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Author s Natumal Efcttum 









(Samuel L. Clemens) 



tered according to Act of Congress, ir. the year 1869, by 

In the Clerk s Office of the District o< Connecticut 

Copyright, 1897 and 1899 


Hartford, Conn. 

Add f l 





OUR PARTY OF EIGHT . . . Ptttr NtwtX . . 213 
THE TOMB OP ADAM .... Ptttr NtwtU . . 337 




The Capuchin Convent A Festive Company of the Dad The 
Great Vatican Musetun Papal Protection of Art Scale of 
Itank of the Holy Personages in Rome 9 


Naples Annunciation Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Monkish 
Miracles The Stranger and the Hackman Night View of 
Ntpks from Mountain Ascent of Vesuvius Continued . . 22 


Ascent of Vesuvius Continued Celebrated Localities in the Bay of 
Naples Petrified Sea of Lava The Ascent Continued 
The Summit Reached The Crater Descent of Vesuvius . 30 


The Buried City of Pompeii The Judgment Seat Desolation 
Footprints of the Departed Skeletons Preserved by the Ashes 
The Brave Martyr to Duty The Perishable Nature of Fame 43 


Slromboli Sicfly by Moonlight Skirting the Isles of Greece 
Athens The Acropolis Among the Glories of the Past 
A World of Ruined Sculpture Famous Localities . ... 55 


Modem Greece The Archipelago and the Dardanelles Foot- 
prints of History Constantinople Great Mosque The 
Thousand and One Columns Grand Bazaar of Stamboul . 75 


Scarcity of Morals and WhUky Slave-Girl Market Report 
The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople No More Turkish 
Lunches Desired The Turkish Bath Fraud 91 

*1 Contents 


Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea " Far- A way Mows" 
- Melancholy Sebastopol Hospitably Received in Russia 
Relic Hunting How Travelers Form "Cabinets" . . . loS 

Nine Thousand Miles East Imitation American Town in Rossi* 

Gratitude that Came Too Late To Visit the Autocrat of 

All the Russias tl * 


Summer Home of Royalty Reception by the Emperor At the 
Grand Duke s A Charming Villa The Governor -General s 
Visit to the Ship Aristocratic Visitors I M 


Return to Constantinople The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Vis- 
itors Ancient Smyrna The " Oriental Splendor " Fraud 
Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans Sociable Armenian Girls . . .137 

Smyrna s Lions The Martyr Polycarp The " Seven Churches " 

Remains of the Six Smyrnas Mysterious Oyster Mine 

A Millerite Tradition A Railroad Out of its Sphere . . . 149 


Journeying toward Ancient Ephesus Ancient Ayassalook The 
Villainous Donkey Fantastic Procession Bygone Magnifi 
cence Fragments of History Legend of Seven Sleepers . 156 


Approaching Holy Land ! The " Shrill Note of Preparation " 
The " Long Route " Adopted In Syria Something about 
Beirout Outfits Hideous Horseflesh Pilgrim "Style" . 169 


14 Jacksonville," in th* Mountains of Lebanon The Peculiar 
Steed, " Jericho " The Pilgrim s Progress Bible Scene*. 
Mount Hermon, Joshua s Battlefields, etc. Tomb of Noah . 179 


Patriarchal Customs Magnificent Baalbec Description of Ruins 

Scribbling Smith* and Joneses Pilgrim Fidelity to the 
Letter of the Law The Revered Fountain of Balaam s Ass . 18! 

Contents vi 


Extracts from Note-Book Mahomet s Paradise Beautiful Da- 
mascus The Street called Straight " The Christian Mas 
sacre The House of Naaman The Horrors of Leprosy . 197 


Cholera Hot - Tomb of Nhnrod The Stateliest Ruin of All 
More " Specimen " Hunting Cesarea-Philippi People the 
Disciples Knew Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arab* .212 


Dan Bashan Gennesaret Scraps of History Character of 
the Country Bedouin Shepherds Mr. Grimes Bedouins 
A Battleground of Joshua Barak s Battle Desolation . . 229 


Jack s Adventure The Story of Joseph The Sacred Lake of 
Gennesaret Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims Why We Did not 
Sail on Galilee Capernaum Journeying toward Magdala .24! 


Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture Public Reception of 
the Pilgrims Mary Magdalen s House Tiberias and its 
Inhabitants The Sacred Sea of Galilee Galilee by Night . 260 


The Ancient Baths The Last Battle of the Crusades Mount 
Tabor What one Sees from its Top A Memory of a Won 
derful Garden The House of Deborah the Prophetess . . 274 


Toward Nazareth Bitten by a Camel Grotto of the Annuncia 
tion, Nazareth Joseph s Workshop A Sacied Bowlder 
The Fountain of the Virgin Literary Curiosities .... 2S8 


The Boyhood of the Sariour Home of the Witch of Endor 
Nain The " Free Son of the Desert " Ancient Jexred 
Jehu s Achievements Samaria and its Famous Siege . . . 301 

via Contents 


Shechem The Tomb of Joseph Jacob s Well Shiloh Ja 
cob s Ladder Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, the 
Fountain of Beira Within the Walls of Jerusalem .... 319 


Description of Jerusalem Church of the Holy Sepulchre The 
Grave of Jesus Monkish Impostures Grave of Adam 
Tomb of Melchizedek The Place of the Crucifixion . . . 327 

The " Sorrowful Way " Solomon s Temple Mosque of Omar 

Judgment Seat of David and Saul The Pool of Siloem 
The Garden of Gethsemane 348 


Bethany " Bedouins ! " Ancient Jericho The Dead Sea 
The Holy Hermits Gazelles Birthplace of the Saviour, 
Bethlehem Church of the Nativity Return to Jerusalem . 364 


Departure from Jerusalem Samson The Plain of Sharon 
Joppa House of Simon the Tanner The Long Pilgrimage 
Ended Character of Palestine Scenery The Curse ... 388 


"Home" in a Pleasure-ship Jack in Costume His Father s 
Parting Advice Egypt In Alexandria Scenes in Grand 
Cairo Shepherd s Hotel Preparing for the Pyramids . . 394 


Recherche " Donkeys Egyptian Modesty Moses in the Bul 
rushes Place where Holy Family Sojourned The Pyramids 

BackKheesh I " Majestic Sphynx Grand Old Egypt . 404 


Homeward Bound A Demoralized Note-book Old Spain 
Cadiz Beautiful Madeiras Delightful Bermudas An Eng 
lish Welcome Our First Accident At Home Amen . 425 

Thankless Devotion A Newspaper Valedictory Conclusion . . 429 


nocents Abroad 11 

-"ed to. You cannot tell 


rROM the sanguinary sports of the Holy Inquisi 
tion; the slaughter of the Coliseum; and the 
dismal tombs of the Catacombs, I naturally pass to 
the picturesque horrors of the Capuchin Convent. 
\Ve stopped a moment in a small chapel in the church 
to admire a picture of St. Michael vanquishing Satan 
a picture which is so beautiful that I cannot but 
think it belongs to the reviled "Renaissance," not 
withstanding I believe they told us one of the ancient 
old masters painted it and then we descended into 
the vast vault underneath. 

Here was a spectacle for sensitive nerves ! Evi 
dently the old masters had been at work in this place. 
There were six divisions in the apartment, and each 
division was ornamented with a style of decoration 
peculiar to itself and these decorations were in 
every instance formed of human bones ! There were 
shapely arches, built wholly of thigh bones; there 
were startling pyramids, built wholly of grinning 
skulls; there were quaint architectural structures of 
various kinds, built of shin bones and the bones of 
the arm ; on the wall were elaborate frescoes, whose 



... of knotted human vertebrae; 

wnose\ .~nls were made of sinews \nd ten 

dons; wi^se flowers were formed of knee-caps and 
toe-nails. Every lasting portion of the human frame 
was represented in these intricate designs (they were 
by Michael Angelo, I think), and there was a careful 
finish about the work, and an attention to details that 
betrayed the artist s love of his labors as well as his 
schooled ability. I asked the good-natured monk 
who accompanied us, who did this? And he said, 
We did it " meaning himself and his brethren up 
stairs. I could see that the old friar took a high 
pride in his curious show. We made him lalka- 
tive by exhibiting an interest we never bi traycd 
to guides. 

" Who were these people? " 

" We up stairs Monks of the Capuchin order 
my brethren." 

* How many departed monks were required to 
upholster these six parlors? " 

4 These are the bones of four thousand." 

" It took a long time to get enough? " 

11 Many, many centuries." 

Their different parts are well separated skulls 
in one room, legs in another, ribs in another there 
would be stirring times here for a while if the last 
trump should blow. Some of the brethren might 
get hold of the wrong leg, in the confusion, and the 
wrong skull, and find themselves limping, and look 
ing through eyes that were wider apart or closer 

The Innocents Abroad 11 

together than they were used to. You cannot tell 
any of these parties apart, I suppose? " 

"Oh, yes, I know many of them." 

He put his finger on a skull. "This was Brother 
Anselmo dead three hundred years a good 

He touched another. " This was Brother Alex 
ander dead two hundred and eighty years. This 
was Brother Carlo dead about as long." 

Then he took a skull and held it in his hand, and 
looked reflectively upon it, after the manner of the 
grave-digger when he discourses of Yorick. 

"This," he said, "was Brother Thomas. He 
was a young prince, the scion of a proud house that 
traced its lineage back to the grand old days of Rome 
well nigh two thousand years ago He loved beneath 
his estate. His family persecuted him ; persecuted 
the girl, as well. They drove her from Rome; he 
followed; he sought her far and wide; he found no 
trace of her. He came back and offered his broken 
heart at our altar and his weary life to the service of 
God. But look you. Shortly his father died, and 
likewise his mother. The girl returned, rejoicing. 
She sought everywhere for him whose eyes had used 
to look tenderly into hers out of this poor skull, 
but she could not find him. At last, in this coarse 
garb we wear, she recognized him in the street. He 
knew her. It was too late. He fell where he stood. 
They took him up and brought him here. Hp never 
spoke afterward. Within the week he died You 

12 The Innocents Abroad 

can see the color of his hair faded, somewhat 
by this thin shred that clings still to the temple. 
This [taking up a thigh bone] was his. The 
veins of this leaf in the decorations over your head, 
were his finger-joints, a hundred and fifty years ago." 
This business-like way of illustrating a touching 
story of the heart by laying the several fragments of 
the lover before us and naming them, was as gro 
tesque a performance, and as ghastly, as any I ever 
witnessed. I hardly knew whether to smile or shud 
der. There are nerves and muscles in our frames 
whose functions and whose methods of working it 
seems a sort of sacrilege to describe by cold physio 
logical names and surgical technicalities, and the 
monk s talk suggested to me something of this kind. 
Fancy a surgeon, with his nippers lifting tendons, 
muscles, and such things into view, out of the com 
plex machinery of a corpse, and observing, " Now 
this little nerve quivers the vibration is imparted 
to this muscle from here it is passed to this fibrous 
substance; here its ingredients are separated by the 
chemical action of the blood one part goes to the 
heart and thrills it with what is popularly termed 
emotion, another part follows this nerve to the brain 
and communicates intelligence of a startling charac 
ter the third part glides along this passage and 
touches the spring connected with the fluid recep 
tacles that lie in the rear of the eye. Thus, by this 
simple and beautiful process, the party is informed 
that his mother is dead, and he weeps." Horrible ! 

The Innocents Abroad 13 

I asked the monk if all the brethren up stairs ex 
pected to be put in this place when they died. He 
answered quietly: 

" We must all lie here at last." 

See what one can accustom himself to. The re 
flection that he must some day be taken apart like an 
engine or a clock, or like a house whose owner is 
gone, and worked up into arches and pyramids and 
hideous frescoes, did not distress this monk in the 
least. I thought he even looked as if he were think 
ing, with complacent vanity, that his own skull would 
look well on top of the heap and his own ribs add a 
charm to the frescoes which possibly they lacked at 

Here and there, in ornamental alcoves, stretched 
upon beds of bones, lay dead and dried-up monks, 
with lank frames dressed in the black robes one sees 
ordinarily upon priests. We examined one closely. 
The skinny hands were clasped upon the breast; 
two lusterless tufts of hair stuck to the skull ; the 
skin was brown and shrunken ; it stretched tightly over 
the cheek bones and made them stand out sharply ; 
the crisp dead eyes were deep in the sockets; the 
nostrils were painfully prominent, the end of the 
nose being gone ; the lips had shriveled away from 
the yellow teeth ; and brought down to us through 
the circling years, and petrified there, was a weird 
laugh a full century old 1 

It was the jolliest laugh, but yet the most dreadful, 
that one can imagine. Surely, I thought, it must 

14 The Innocents Abroad 

have been a most extraordinary joke this veteran 
produced with his latest breath, that he has not got 
done laughing at it yet. At this moment I saw that 
the old instinct was strong upon the boys, and I said 
we had better hurry to St. Peter s. They were try 
ing to keep from asking, "Is is he dead? " 

It makes me dizzy to think of the Vatican of 
its wilderness of statues, paintings, and curiosities of 
every description and every age. The " old 
masters" (especially in sculpture) fairly swarm, 
there. I cannot write about the Vatican. I think 
I shall never remember anything I saw there dis 
tinctly but the mummies, and the Transfiguration, 
by Raphael, and some other things it is not necessary 
to mention now. I shall remember the Transfigura 
tion partly because it was placed in a room almost 
by itself; partly because it is acknowledged by all 
to be -the first oil-painting in the world; and partly 
because it was wonderfully beautiful. The colors 
are fresh and rich, the ** expression," I am told, is 
fine, the " feeling" is lively, the "tone" is good, 
the * depth" is profound, and the width is about 
four and a half feet, I should judge. It is a picture 
that really holds one s attention; its beauty is fasci 
nating. It is fine enough to be a Renaissance. A 
remark I made awhile ago suggests a thought and 
a hope. Is it not possible that the reason I find such 
charms in this picture is because it is out of the crazy 
chaos of the galleries? If some of the others were 
set apart, might not they be beautiful? If this were 

The Innocents Abroad 15 

set in the midst of the tempest of pictures one finds 
in the vast galleries of the Roman palaces, would I 
think it so handsome? If, up to this time, I had 
seen only one " old master" in each palace, instead 
of acres and acres of walls and ceilings fairly papered 
with them, might I not have a more civilized opinion 
of the old masters than I have now? I think so. 
When I v/as a schoolboy and was to have a new 
knife, I could not make up my mind as to which was 
the prettiest in the showcase, and I did not think- 
any of them were particularly pretty; and so I chose 
with a heavy heart. But when I looked at my pur 
chase, at home, where no glittering blades came into 
competition with it, I was astonished to see how 
handsome it was. To this day my new hats look 
better out of the shop than they did in it with other 
new hats. It begins to dawn upon me, now, that 
possibly, what I have been taking for uniform ugli 
ness in the galleries may be uniform beauty after all. 
I honestly hope it is, to others, but certainly it is not 
to me. Perhaps the reason I used to enjoy going to 
the Academy of Fine Arts in New York was because 
there were but a few hundred paintings in it, and it 
did not surfeit me to go through the list. I suppose 
the Academy was bacon and beans in the Forty-Mile 
Desert, and a European gallery is a state dinner of 
thirteen courses. One leaves no sign after him of 
the one dish, but the thirteen frighten away his 
appetite and give him no satisfaction. 

There is one thing I am certain of, though. With 

16 The Innocents Abroad 

all the Michael Angelos, the Raphaels, the Guides, 
and the other old masters, the sublime history of 
Rome remains unpainted ! They painted Virgins 
enough, and Popes enough, and saintly scare-crows 
enough, to people Paradise, almost, and these things 
are all they did paint. " Nero fiddling o er burning 
Rome," the assassination of Caesar, the stirring spec 
tacle of a hundred thousand people bending forward 
with rapt interest, in the Coliseum, to see two skill 
ful gladiators hacking away each others lives, a tiger 
springing upon a kneeling martyr these and a thou 
sand other matters which we read of with a living 
interest, must be sought for only in books not 
among the rubbish left by the old masters who are 
no more, I have the satisfaction of informing the 

They did paint, and they did carve in marble, one 
historical scene, and one only (of any great historical 
consequence). And what was it and why did they 
choose it, particularly? It was the Rape of the 
Sabines, and they chose it for the legs and busts. 

I like to look at statues, however, and I like to 
look at pictures, also even of monks looking up in 
sacred ecstasy, and monks looking down in medita 
tion, and monks skirmishing for something to eat 
and therefore I drop ill-nature to thank the papal 
government for so jealously guarding and so indus 
triously gathering up these things; and for permit 
ting me, a stranger and not an entirely friendly one, 
to roam at will and unmolested among them, charg- 

The Innocents Abroad 17 

ing me nothing, and only requiring that I shall be 
have myself simply as well as I ought to behave in 
any other man s house. I thank the Holy Father 
right heartily, and I wish him long life and plenty of 

The Popes have long been the patrons and pre 
servers of art, just as our new, practical Republic is / 
the encourager and upholder of mechanics. In their 
Vatican is stored up all that is cunous and beautiful 
in art; in our Patent Office is hoarded all that is 
curious or useful in mechanics. When a man invents 
a new style of horse-collar or discovers a new and 
superior method of telegraphing, our government 
issues a patent to him that is worth a fortune ; when 
a man digs up an ancient statue in the Campagna, 
the Pope gives him a fortune in gold coin. We can 
make something of a guess at a man s character by 
the style of nose he carries on his face. The Vati 
can and the Patent Orifice are governmental noses, 
and they bear a deal of character about them. 

The guide showed us a colossal statue of Jupiter, 
in the Vatican, which he said looked so damaged 
and rusty so like the God of the Vagabonds 
because it had but recently been dug up in the Cam 
pagna. He asked how much we supposed this 
Jupiter was worth. I replied, with intelligent 
promptness, that he was probably worth about four 
dollars may be four and a half. " A hundred thou 
sand dollars 1" Ferguson said. Ferguson said, 
further, that the Pope permits no ancient work of 

18 The Innocents Abroad 

this kind to leave his dominions. He appoints a 
commission to examine discoveries like this and re 
port upon the value ; then the Pope pays the discov 
erer one-half of that assessed value and takes the 
statue. He said this Jupiter was dug from a field 
which had just been bought for thirty-six thousand 
dollars, so the first crop was a good one for the new 
farmer. I do not know whether Ferguson always 
tells the truth or not, but I suppose he does. I know 
that an exorbitant export duty is exacted upon all 
pictures painted by the old masters, in order to dis 
courage the sale of those in the private collections. 
I am satisfied, also, that genuine old masters hardly 
exist at all, in America, because the cheapest and 
most insignificant of them are valued at the price of 
a fine farm. I proposed to buy a small trifle of a 
Raphael, myself, but the price of it was eighty thou 
sand dollars, the export duty would have made it 
considerably over a hundred, and so I studied on it 
awhile and concluded not to take it. 

I wish here to mention an inscription I have seen, 
before I forget it : 

" Glory to God in the highest, peace on earth TO 
MEN OF GOOD WILL!" It is not good scripture, 
but it is sound Catholic and human nature. 

This is in letters of gold around the apsis of a 
mosaic group at the side of the scala santa, church 
of St. John Lateran, the Mother and Mistress of all 
the Catholic churches of the world. The group 
represents the Saviour, St. Peter, Pope Leo, St. Sil- 

The Innocents Abroad 19 

vcster, Constantine, and Charlemagne. Peter is 
giving the pallium to the Pope, and a standard to 
Charlemagne. The Saviour is giving the keys to 
St. Silvester, and a standard to Constantine. No 
prayer is offered to the Saviour, who seems to be of 
little importance anywhere in Rome; but an inscrip 
tion below says, * Blessed Peter > gi ve life to Pope Leo 
and victory to King Charles" It does not say, 
" Intercede for us, through the Saviour, with the 
Father, for this boon," but " Blessed Peter, give it 

In all seriousness without meaning to be frivo 
lous without meaning to be irreverent, and more 
than all, without meaning to be blasphemous, I 
state as my simple deduction from the things I have 
seen and the things I have heard, that the Holy 
Personages rank thus in Rome : 

First "The Mother of God " otherwise the 
Virgin Mary. 

Second The Deity. 

Third Peter. 

Fourth Some twelve or fifteen canonized Popes 
and martyrs. 

Fifth Jesus Christ the Saviour (but alwayi as 
an infant in arms). 

I may be wrong in this my judgment errs often, 
just as is the case with other men s but it is my 
.judgment, be it good or bad. 

Just here I will mention something that seems 
curious to me. There are no " Christ s Churches * 

20 The Innocents Abroad 

in Rome, and no " Churches of the Holy Ghost," 
that I can discover. There are some four hundred 
churches, but about a fourth of them seem to be 
named for the Madonna and St. Peter. There are 
so many named for Mary that they have to be dis 
tinguished by all sorts of affixes, if I understand the 
matter rightly. Then we have churches of St. 
Louis; St. Augustine; St. Agnes; St. Calixtus; 
St. Lorenzo in Lticina; St. Lorenzo in Damaso; 
St. Cecilia; St. Athanasius; St. Philip Neri ; St. 
Catherine ; St. Domenico, and a multitude of lesser 
saints whose names are not familiar in the world 
and away down, clear out of the list of the churches, 
comes a couple of hospitals : one of them is named 
for the Saviour and the other for the Holy Ghost! 

Day after day and night after night we have wan 
dered among the crumbling wonders of Rome ; day 
after day and night after night we have fed upon the 
dust and decay of five-and-twenty centuries have 
brooded over them by day and dreamt of them by 
night till sometimes we seemed moldering away our 
selves, and growing defaced and cornerless, and liable 
at any moment to fall a prey to some antiquary and 
be patched in the legs, and " restored " with an un 
seemly nose, and labeled wrong and dated wrong, 
and set up in the Vatican for poets to drivel about 
and vandals to scribble their names on forever and 

But the surest way to stop writing about Rome is 
to stop. I wished to write a real "guide-book" 

The Innocents Abroad 21 

chapter on this fascinating city, but I could not do 
it, because I have felt all the time like .a boy in a 
candy-shop there was everything to choose from, 
.and yet no choice. I have drifted along hopelessly 
for a hundred pages of manuscript without knowing 
where to commence. I will not commence at all. 
Our passports have been examined. We will go td 


THE ship is lying here in the harbor of Naples 
quarantined. She has been here several days 
and will remain several more. We that came by rail 
from Rome have escaped this misfortune. Of 
course no one is allowed to go on board the ship, or 
come ashore from her. She is a prison, now. The 
passengers probably spend the long, blazing days 
looking out from under the awnings at Vesuvius and 
the beautiful city and in swearing. Think of ten 
days of this sort of pastime ! We go out every day 
in a boat and request them to come ashore. It 
soothes them. We lie ten steps from the ship and 
tell them how splendid the city is ; and how much 
better the hotel fare is here than anywhere else in 
Europe; and how cool it is; and what frozen con 
tinents of ice-cream there are ; and what a time we 
are having cavorting about the country and sailing 
to the islands in the Bay. This tranquilizes them. 


I shall remember our trip to Vesuvius for many a 
day partly because of its sight-seeing experiences, 


The Innocents Abroad 23 

but chiefly on account of the fatigue of the journey. 
Two or three of us had been resting oui selves among 
the tranquil and beautiful scenery of the island of 
ischia, eighteen miles out in the harbor, for two 
days; we called it * resting," but I do not remember 
now what the resting consisted of, for when we got 
back to Naples we had not slept for forty-eight 
hours. We were just about to go to bed early in the 
evening, and catch up on some of the sleep we had 
lost, when we heard of this Vesuvius expedition. 
There were to be eight of us in the party, and we were 
to leave Naples at midnight. We laid in some provi 
sions for the trip, engaged carriages to take us to An 
nunciation, and then moved about the city, to keep 
awake, till twelve. We got away punctually, and in 
the course of an hour and a half arrived at the town of 
Annunciation. Annunciation is the very last place 
under the sun. In other towns in Italy, the people 
lie around quietly and wait for you to ask them a 
question or do some overt act that can be charged for 

but in Annunciation they have lost even that frag 
ment of delicacy; they seize a lady s shawl from 
a chair and hand it to her and charge a penny; 
they open a carriage door, and charge for it shut 
it when you get out, and charge for it; they help 
you to take off a duster two cents; brush your 
clothes and make them worse than they were before 

two cents; smile upon you two cents; bow, with 
a lickspittle smirk, hat in hand two cents; they 
volunteer all information, such as that the mules will 

24 The Innocents Abroad 

arrive presently two cents warm day, sir two 
cents take you four hours to make the ascent 
two cents. And so they go. They crowd you 
infest you swarm about you, and sweat and smell 
offensively, and look sneaking and mean, and ob 
sequious. There is no office too degrading for them 
to perform, for money. I have had no opportunity 
to find out anything about the upper classes by my 
own observation, but from what I hear said about 
them I judge that what they lack in one or two of the 
bad traits the canaille have, they make up in one or 
two others that are worse. How the people beg ! 
many of them very well dressed, too. 

I said I knew nothing against the upper classes by 
personal observation. I must recall it! I had for 
gotten. What I saw their bravest and their fairest 
do last night, the lowest multitude that could be 
scraped up out of the purlieus of Christendom would 
blush to do, I think. They assembled by hundreds, 
and even thousands, in the great Theater of San 
Carlo, to do what? Why, simply, to make fun of 
an old woman to deride, to hiss, to jeer at an 
actress they once worshiped, but whose beauty is 
faded now and whose voice has lost its former rich 
ness. Everybody spoke of the rare sport there was 
to be. They said the theater would be crammed, 
because Frczzolini was going to sing. It was said 
she could not sing well, now, but then the people 
liked to see her, anyhow. And so we went. And 
every time the woman sang they hissed and laughed 

The Innocents Abroad 25 

. the whole magnificent house and as soon as she 
left the stage they called her on again with applause. 
Once or twice she was encored five and six times in 
succession, and received with hisses when she ap 
peared, and discharged with hisses and laughter when 
she had finished then instantly encored and in 
sulted again ! And how the high-born knaves en 
joyed it ! White-kidded gentlemen and ladies laughed 
till the tears came, and clapped their hands in very 
ecstasy when that unhappy old woman would come 
meekly out for the sixth time, with uncomplaining 
patience, to meet a storm of hisses! It was the 
crudest exhibition the most wanton, the most un 
feeling. The singer would have conquered an audi 
ence of American rowdies by her brave, unflinching 
tranquillity (for she answered encore after encore, 
and smiled and bowed pleasantly, and sang the best 
she possibly could, and went bowing off, through all 
the jeers and hisses, without ever losing countenance 
or temper) : and surely in any other land than Italy 
her sex and her helplessness must have been an 
ample protection to her she could have needed no 
other. Think what a multitude of small souls were 
crowded into that theater last night. If the manager 
could have filled his theater with Neapolitan souls 
alone, without the bodies, he could not have cleared 
less than ninety millions of dollars. What traits of 
character must a man have to enable him to help 
three thousand miscreants to hiss, and jeer, and 
laugh at one friendless old woman, and shamefully 

26 The Innocents Abroad 

humiliate her? He must have all the vile, mean 
traits there are. My observation persuades me (I 
do not like to venture beyond my own personal ob 
servation) that the upper classes of Naples possess 
those traits of character. Otherwise they may be 
very good people ; I cannot say. 


In this city of Naples, they believe in and support 
one of the wretchedest of all the religious impostures 
one can find in Italy the miraculous liquefaction 
of the blood of St. Januarius. Twice a year the 
priests assemble all the people at the Cathedral, and 
get out this vial of clotted blood and let them see it 
slowly dissolve and become liquid and everyday 
for eight days this dismal farce is repeated, while 
the priests go among the crowd and collect money 
for the exhibition. The first day, the blood liquefies 
in forty-seven minutes the church is crammed, 
then, and time must be allowed the collectors to get 
around : after that it liquefies a little quicker and a 
little quicker, every day, as the houses grow smaller, 
till on the eighth day, with only a few dozen present 
to see the miracle, it liquefies in four minutes. 

AnH here, also, they used to have a grand proces 
sion, ot priests, citizens, soldiers, sailors, and the 
high dignitaries of the City Government, once a year, 
to shave the head of a made up Madonna a stuffed 
and painted image, like a milliner s dummy whose 
hair miraculously grew and restored itself every twelve 

The Innocents Abroad 27 

months. They still kept up this shaving procession 
as late as four or five years ago. It was a source of 
great profit to the church that possessed the remark 
ably effigy, and the ceremony of the public barbering 
of her was always carried out with the greatest possi 
ble e^clatand display the more the better, because 
the more excitement there was about it the larger the 
crowds it drew and the heavier the revenues it pro 
duced but at last a day came when the Pope and 
his servants were unpopular in Naples, and the 
City Government stopped the Madonna s annual 

There we have two specimens of these Neapolitans 
* two of the silliest possible frauds, which half the 
population religiously and faithfully believed, and 
the other half either believed also or else said nothing 
about, and thus lent themselves to the support of the 
imposture. I am very well satisfied to think the 
whole population believed in those poor, cheap, 
miracles a people who want two cents every time 
they bow to you, and who abuse a woman, are 
capable of it, I think. 


These Neapolitans always ask four times as much 
money as they intend to take, but if you give them 
what they first demand, they feel ashamed of them 
selves for aiming so low, and immediately ask more. 
When money is to be paid and received, there is 
always some vehement jawing and gesticulating 

28 The Innocents Abroad 

about it. One cannot buy and pay for two cents 
worth of clams without trouble and a quarrel. One 
course," in a two-horse carriage, costs a franc 
that is law but the hackman always demands more, 
on some pretense or other, and if he gets it he 
makes a new demand. It is said that a stranger 
took a one-horse carriage for a course tariff, half 
a franc. He gave the man five francs, by way of 
experiment. He demanded more, and received 
another franc. Again he demanded more, and got 
a franc demanded more, and it was refused. He 
grew vehement was again refused, and became 
noisy. The stranger said, "Well, give me the 
seven francs again, and I will see what I can do " 
and when he got them, he handed the hackman half 
a franc, and he immediately asked for two cents to 
buy a drink with. It may be thought that I am 
prejudiced. Perhaps I am. I would be ashamed 
of myself if I were not. 


Well, as I was saying, we got our mules and 
horses, after an hour and a half of bargaining with 
the population of Annunciation, and started sleepily 
up the mountain, with a vagrant at each mule s tail 
who pretended to be driving the brute along, but was 
really holding on and getting himself dragged up in 
stead. I made slow headway at first, but I began to 
get dissatisfied at the idea of paying my minion five 
francs to hold my mule back by the tail and keep 

The Innocents Abroad 29 

him from going up the hill, and so I discharged him. 
I got along faster then. 

We had one magnificent picture of Naples from a 
high point on the mountain side. We saw nothing 
but the gas lamps, of course two-thirds of a circle, 
skirting the great Bay a necklace of diamonds 
glinting up through the darkness from the remote 
distance less brilliant than the stars overhead, but 
more softly, richly beautiful and over all the great 
city the lights crossed and recrossed each other in 
many and many a sparkling line and curve. And 
back of the town, far around and abroad over the 
miles of level campagna, were scattered rows, and 
circles, and clusters of lights, all glowing like so 
many gems, and marking where a score of villages 
were sleeping. About this time, the fellow who was 
hanging on to the tail of the horse in front of me and 
practicing all sorts of unnecessary cruelty upon the 
animal, got kicked some fourteen rods, and this in 
cident, together with the fairy spectacle of the lights 
far in the distance, made me serenely happy, and I 
was glad I started to Vesuvius. 


This subject will be excellent matter for a chapter, 
and to-morrow cr next day I will write it. 


uCEE Naples and die." Well, I do not know 
^ that one would -necessarily die after merely 
seeing it, but to attempt to live there might turn out 
a little differently. To see Naples as we saw it in 
the early dawn from far up on the side of Vesuvius, 
is to see a picture of wonderful beauty. At that 
distance its dingy buildings looked white and so, 
rank on rank of balconies, windows, and roofs, they 
piled themselves up from the blue ocean till the 
colossal castle of St. Elmo topped the grand white 
pyramid and gave the picture symmetry, emphasis, 
and completeness. And when its lilies turned to 
roses when it blushed under the sun s first kiss 
it was beautiful beyond all description. One might 
well say, then, "See Naples and die." The frame 
of the picture was charming, itself. In front, the 
smooth sea a vast mosaic of many colors; the 
lofty islands swimming in a dreamy haze in the dis 
tance; at our end of the city the stately double peak 
of Vesuvius, and its strong black ribs and seams of 
lava stretching down to the limitless level campagna 

The Innocents Abroad 31 

a green carpet that enchants the eye and leads it 
on and on, past clusters of trees, and isolated 
houses, and snowy villages, until it shreds out 
in a fringe of mist and general vagueness far 
away. It is from the Hermitage, there on the 
side of Vesuvius, that one should ** see Naples 
and die." 

But do not go within the walls and look at it in 
detail. That takes away some of the romance of the 
thing. The people are filthy in their habits, and 
this makes filthy streets and breeds disagreeable 
sights and smells. There never was a community 
so prejudiced against the cholera as these Neapolitans 
are. But they have good reason to be. The cholera 
generally vanquishes a Neapolitan when it seizes 
him, because, you understand, before the doctor 
can dig through the dirt and get at the disease the 
man dies. The upper classes take a sea-bath every 
day, and are pretty decent. 

The streets are generally about wide enough for 
one wagon, and how they do swarm with people! 
It is Broadway repeated in every street, in every 
court, in every alley ! Such masses, such throngs, 
such multitudes of hurrying, bustling, struggling 
humanity ! We never saw the like of it, hardly even 
in New York, I think. There are seldom any side 
walks, and when there are, they are not often wide 
enough to pass a man on without caroming on him. 
So everybody walks in the street and where the 
strrct is wide enough, carriages are forever dashing 

J2 The Innocents Abroad 

along. Why a thousand people are not run over 
and crippled every day is a mystery that no man 
can solve. 

But if there is an eighth wonder in the world, it 
must be the dwelling-houses of Naples. I honestly 
believe a good majority of them are a hundred feet 
high ! And the solid brick walls are seven feet 
through. You go up nine flights of stairs before 
you get to the " first" floor. No, not nine, but 
there or thereabouts. There is a little bird-cage of 
an iron railing in front of every window clear away 
up, up, up, among the eternal clouds, where the 
roof is, and there is always somebody looking out of 
every window people of ordinary size lookinp 
out from the first floor, people a shade smaller from 
the second, people that look a little smaller yet from 
the third and from thence upward they grow 
smaller and smaller by a regularly graduated diminu- 
tion, till the folks in the topmost windows seem 
more like birds in an uncommonly tall martin-box 
than anything else. The perspective of one of these 
narrow cracks of streets, with its rows of tall houses 
stretching away till they come together in the dis 
tance like railway tracks; its clothes-lines crossing 
over at all altitudes and waving their bannered 
raggcdness over the swarms of people below; and 
the white-dressed women perched in balcony railingg 
all the way from the pavement up to the heavens 
a perspective like that is really worth going into 
Neapolitan details to see. 

The Innocents Abroad 33 


Naples, with its immediate suburbs, contains six 
hundred and twenty-five thousand inhabitants, but I 
am satisfied it covers no more ground than an 
American city of one hundred and fifty thousand. 
It reaches up into the air infinitely higher than three 
American cities, though, and there is where the 
secret of it lies. I will observe here, in passing, 
that the contrasts between opulence and poverty, 
and magnificence and misery, are more frequent and 
more striking in Naples than in Paris even. One 
must go to the Bois de Boulogne to see fashionable 
dressing, splendid equipages, and stunning liveries, 
and to the Faubourg St. Antoine to see vice, misery, 
hunger, rags, dirt but in the thoroughfares of 
Naples these things are all mixed together. Naked 
boys of nine years and the fancy-dressed children of 
luxury; shreds and tatters, and brilliant uniforms; 
jackass carts and state carriages; beggars, princes, 
and bishops, jostle each other in every street. At 
six o clock every evening, all Naples turns out to 
drive on the Riviera di Chiaja (whatever that may 
mean) ; and for two hours one may stand there and 
see the motliest and the worst-mixed procession go 
by that ever eyes beheld. Princes (there are more 
princes than policemen in Naples the city is in 
fested with them) princes who live up seven 
flights of stairs and don t own any principalities, 
will keep a carriage and go hungry; and clerks, 

34 The Innocents Abroad 

mechanics, milliners, and strumpets will go without 
their dinners and squander the money on a hack-ride 
in the Chiaja; the rag-tag and rubbish of the city 
stack themselves up, to the number of twenty or 
thirty, on a rickety little go-cart hauled by a donkey 
not much bigger than a cat, and they drive in the 
Chiaja; dukes and bankers, in sumptuous carriages 
and with gorgeous drivers and footmen, turn out, 
also, and so the furious procession goes. For two 
hours rank and wealth, and obscurity and poverty, 
clatter along side by side in the wild procession, 
and then go home serene, happy, covered with 
glory ! 

I was looking at a magnificent marble staircase in 
the King s palace, the other day, which, it was said, 
cost five million francs, and I suppose it did cost 
half a million, may be. I felt as if it must be a fine 
thing to live in a country where there was such 
comfort and such luxury as this. And then I 
stepped out musing, and almost walked over a vaga 
bond who was eating his dinner on the curbstone 
a piece of bread and a bunch of grapes. When I 
found that this mustang was clerking in a fruit 
establishment (he had the establishment along with 
him in a basket), at two cents a day, and that he 
had no palace at home where he lived, I lost some 
of my enthusiasm concerning the happiness of living 
in Italy. 

This naturally suggests to me a thought about 
wages here. Lieutenants in the army get about a 

The Innocents Abroad 35 

dollar a day, and common soldiers a couple of cents. 
I only know one clerk, he gets four dollars a 
month. Printers get six dollars and a half a month, 
but I have heard of a foreman who gets thirteen. 
To be growing suddenly and violently rich, as this 
man is, naturally makes him a bloated aristocrat. 
The airs he puts on are insufferable. 

And, speaking of wages, reminds me of prices of 
merchandise. In Paris you pay twelve dollars a 
dozen for Jouvin s best kid gloves; gloves of about 
as good quality sell here at three or four dollars a 
dozen. You pay five and six dollars apiece for fine 
linen shirts in Paris; here and in Leghorn you pay 
two and a half. In Marseilles you pay forty dollars 
for a first-class dress coat made by a good tailor, 
but in Leghorn you can get a full dress suit for the 
same money. Here you get handsome business 
suits at from ten to twenty dollars, and in Leghorn 
you can get an overcoat for fifteen dollars that would 
cost you seventy in New York. Fine kid boots are 
worth eight dollars in Marseilles and four dollars 
here. Lyons velvets rank higher in America than 
those of Genoa. Yet the bulk of Lyons velvets you 
buy in the States are made in Genoa and imported 
into Lyons, where they receive the Lyons stamp 
and are then exported to America. You can buy 
enough velvet in Genoa for twenty-five dollars to 
make a five hundred dollar cloak in New York so 
the ladies tell me. Of course, these things bring me 
back, by a natural and easy transition, to the 

36 The Innocents Abroad 


And thus the wonderful Blue Grotto is suggested 
to me. It is situated on the island of Capri, twenty- 
two miles from Naples. We chartered a little 
steamer and went out there. Of course, the police 
boarded us and put us through a health examination, 
and inquired into our politics, before they would let 
us land. The airs these little insect governments 
put on are in the last degree ridiculous. They even 
put a policeman on board of our boat to keep an 
eye on u c as long as we were in the Capri dominions. 
They thought we wanted to steal the grotto, I sup 
pose. It was worth stealing. The entrance to the 
cave is four feet high and four feet wide, and is in 
the face of a lofty perpendicular cliff the sea wall. 
You enter in small boats and a tight squeeze it is, 
too. You cannot go in at all when the tide is up. 
Once within, you find yourself in an arched cavern 
about one hundred and sixty feet long, one hundred 
and twenty wide, and about seventy high. How 
d^cp it is no man knows. It goes down to the 
bottom of the ocean. The waters of this placid 
subterranean lake are the brightest, loveliest blue 
that can be imagined. They are as transparent as 
plate glass, and their coloring would shame the 
richest sky that ever bent over Italy. No tint could 
be more ravishing, no luster more superb. Throw 
a stone into the water, and the myriad of tiny bub 
bles that are created flash out a brilliant glare likr 
blue theatrical fires. Dip an oar, and its blade turns 

The Innocents Abroad )7 

to splendid frosted silver, tinted with blue. Let a 
man jump in, and instantly he is cased in an armor 
more gorgeous than ever kingly Crusader wore. 

Then we went to Ischia, but I had already been 
to that island and tired myself to death " resting" 
a couple of days and studying human villainy, with 
the landlord of the Grande Sentinelle for a model. 
So we went to Procida, and from thence to Pozzuoli, 
where St. Paul landed after he sailed from Samos. 
I landed at precisely the same spot where St. Paul 
landed, and so did Dan and the others. It was a 
remarkable coincidence. St. Paul preached to these 
people seven days before he started to Rome. 

Nero s Baths, the ruins of Baiae, the Temple of 
Serapis ; Cumae, where the Cumaean Sibyl interpreted 
the oracles, the Lake Agnano, with its ancient sub 
merged city still visible far down in its depths 
these and a hundred other points of interest we 
examined with critical imbecility, but the Grotto of 
the Dog claimed our chief attention, because we had 
heard and read so much about it. Everybody has 
written about the Grotto del Cane and its poisonous 
vapors, from Pliny down to Smith, and every tourist 
has held a dog over its floor by the legs to test the 
capabilities of the place. The dog dies in a minute 
and a half a chicken instantly. As a general 
thing, strangers who crawl in there to sleep do not 
get up until they are called. And then they don t, 
cither. The stranger that ventures to sleep there 
takes a permanent contract. I longed to see this 

38 The Innocents Abroad 

grotto. I resolved to take a dog and hold him my 
self; suffocate him a little, and time him; suffocate 
him some more, and then finish him. We reached 
the grotto about three in the afternoon, and pro 
ceeded at once to make the experiments. But now, 
an important difficulty presented itself. We had no 


At the Hermitage we were about fifteen or eight 
een hundred feet above the sea, and thus far a 
portion of the ascent had been pretty abrupt. For 
the next two miles the road was a mixture some 
times the ascent was abrupt and sometimes it was 
not; but one characteristic it possessed all the time, 
without failure without modification it was all 
uncompromisingly and unspeakably infamous. It 
was a rough, narrow trail, and led over an old lava- 
flow a black ocean which was tumbled into a 
thousand fantastic shapes a wild chaos of ruin, 
desolation, and barrenness a wilderness of billowy 
upheavals, of furious whirlpools, of miniature moun 
tains rent asunder of gnarled and knotted, wrinkled 
and twisted masses of blackness that mimicked 
branching roots, great vines, trunks of trees, all 
interlaced and mingled together ; and all these weird 
shapes, all this turbulent panorama, all this stormy, 
far-stretching waste of blackness, with its thrilling 
suggestiveness of life, of action, of boiling, surging, 
furious motion, was petrified! all stricken dead 
and cold in the instant of its maddest rioting! 

The Innocents Abroad 39 

fettered, paralyzed, and left to glower at heaven in 
impotent rage forevermore ! 

Finally we stood in a level, narrow valley (a valley 
that had been created by the terrific march of some 
old-time eruption) and on either hand towered the 
two steep peaks of Vesuvius. The one we had to 
climb the one that contains the active volcano 
seemed about eight hundred or one thousand feet 
high, and looked almost too straight-up-and-down 
for any man to climb, and certainly no mule could 
climb it with a man on his back. Four of these 
native pirates will carry you to the top in a sedan 
chair, if you wish it, but suppose they were to slip 
and let you fall, is it likely that you would ever 
stop rolling? Not this side of eternity, perhaps. 
We left the mules, sharpened our finger nails, and 
began the ascent I have been writing about so long, 
at twenty minutes to six in the morning. The path 
led straight up a rugged sweep of loose chunks of 
pumice-stone, and for about every two steps forward 
we took, we slid back one. It was so excessively 
steep that we had to stop, every fifty or sixty steps, 
and rest a moment. To see our comrades, we had 
to look very nearly straight up at those above us, 
and very nearly straight down at those below. We 
stood on the summit at last it had taken an hour 
and fifteen minutes to make Uu trip. 

What we saw there was simply a circular crater 
a circular ditch, if you please about two hundred 
feet deep, and four or five hundred feet wide, whose 

4O The Innocents Abroad 

inner wall was about half a mile in circumference. 
In the center of the great circus-ring thus formed 
was a torn and ragged upheaval a hundred feet high, 
all snowed over with a sulphur crust of many and 
many a brilliant and beautiful color, and the ditch 
inclosed this like the moat of a castle, or surrounded 
it as a little river does a little island, if the simile is 
better. The sulphur coating of that island was 
gaudy in the extreme all mingled together in the 
richest confusion were red, blue, brown, black, 
yellow, white I do not know that there was a 
color, or shade of a color, or combination of colors, 
unrepresented and when the sun burst through 
the morning mists and fired this tinted magnificence, 
it topped imperial Vesuvius like a jeweled crown ! 

The crater itself the ditch was not so varie 
gated in coloring, but yet, in its softness, richness, 
and unpretentious elegance, it was more charming, 
more fascinating to the eye. There was nothing 
"loud" about its well-bred and well-dressed look. 
Beautiful? One could stand and look down upon it 
for a week without getting tired of it. It had the 
semblance of a pleasant meadow, whose slender 
grasses and whose velvety mosses were frosted with 
a shining dust, and tinted with palest green that 
deepened gradually to the darkest hue of the orange 
leaf, and deepened yet again into gravest brown, 
then faded into orange, then into brightest gold, and 
culminated in the delicate pink of a new-blown rose. 
Where portions of the meadow had sunk, and where 

The Innocents Abroad 41 

other portions had been broken up like an ice-floe, 
the cavernous openings of the one, and the ragged 
upturned edges exposed by the other, were hung 
with a lacework of soft-tinted crystals of sulphur 
that changed their deformities into quaint shapes 
and figures that were full of grace and beauty. 

The walls of the ditch were brilliant with yellow- 
banks of sulphur and with lava and pumice-stone of 
many colors. No fire was visible anywhere, but 
gusts of sulphurous steam issued silently and in 
visibly from a thousand little cracks and fissures in 
the crater, and were wafted to our noses with every 
breeze. But so long as we kept our nostrils buried 
in our handkerchiefs, there was small danger of 

Some of the boys thrust long slips of paper down 
into holes and set them on fire, and so achieved the 
glory of lighting their cigars by the flames of 
Vesuvius, and others cooked eggs over fissures in 
liie rocks and were happy. 

The view from the summit would have been superb 
but for the fact that the sun could only pierce the 
mists at long intervals. Thus the glimpses we had 
of the grand panorama below were only fitful and 


The descent of the mountain was a labor of only 
four minutes. Instead of stalking down the rugged 
path we ascended, we chose one which was bedded 
knee-deep in loose ashes, and plowed our way with 

42 The Innocents Abroad 

prodigious strides that would almost have shamed 
the performance of him of the seven-league boots. 

The Vesuvius of to-day is a very poor affair com 
pared to the mighty volcano of Kilauea, in the 
Sandwich Islands, but I am glad I visited it. It was 
well worth it. 

It is said that during one of the grand eruptions 
of Vesuvius it discharged massy rocks weighing 
many tons a thousand feet into the air, its vast jets 
of smoke and steam ascended thirty miles toward 
the firmament, and clouds of its ashes were wafted 
abroad and fell upon the decks of ships seven hun 
dred and fifty miles at sea ! I will take the ashes at 
a moderate discount, if any one will take the thirty 
miles of smoke, but I do not feel able to take a 
commanding interest in the whole story by myself. 



THEY pronounce it Pom-/#y-e. I always had 
an idea that you went down into Pompeii with 
torches, by the way of damp, dark stairways, just 
as you do in silver mines, and traversed gloomy 
tunnels with lava overhead and something on either 
hand like dilapidated prisons gouged out of the solid 
earth, that faintly resembled houses. But you do 
nothing of the kind. Fully one-half of the buried 
city, perhaps, is completely exhumed and thrown 
open freely to the light of day ; and there stand the 
long rows of solidly-built brick houses (roofless) 
just as they stood eighteen hundred years ago, hot 
with the flaming sun; and there lie their floors, 
clean-swept, and not a bright fragment tarnished or 
wanting of the labored mosaics that pictured them 
with the beasts and birds and flowers which we 
copy in perishable carpets to-day ; and there are the 
Vcnuses and Bacchuscs and Adonises, making love 
and getting drunk in many-hued frescoes on the 
walls of saloon and bedchamber ; and there are the 
narrow streets and narrower sidewalks, paved with 


44 The Innocents Abroad 

flags of good hard lava, the one deeply rutted with 
the chariot-wheels, and the other with the passing 
feet of the Pompeiians of by-gone centuries ; and 
there are the bakc-shops, the temples, the halls of 
justice, the baths, the theaters all clean-scraped 
and neat, and suggesting nothing of the nature of a 
silver mine away down in the bowels of the earth. 
The broken pillars lying about, the doorless door 
ways, and the crumbled tops of the wilderness of 
walls, were wonderfully suggestive of the "burnt 
district" in one of our cities, and if there had been 
any charred timbers, shattered windows, heaps of 
debris, and general blackness and smokiness about 
the place, the resemblance would have been perfect. 
But no the sun shines as brightly down on old 
Pompeii to-day as it did when Christ was born in 
Bethlehem, and its streets are cleaner a hundred 
times than ever Pompeiian saw them in her prime. 
I know whereof I speak for in the great, chief 
thoroughfares (Merchant Street and the Street of 
Fortune) have I not seen with my own eyes how for 
two hundred years at least the pavements were not 
repaired ! how ruts five and even ten inches deep 
were worn into the thick flagstones by the chariot- 
wheels of generations of swindled taxpayers? And 
do I not know by these signs that street commis 
sioners of Pompeii never attended to their business, 
and that if they never mended the pavements they 
never cleaned them? And, besides, is it not the 
inborn nature of street commissioners to avoid their 

The Innocents Abroad 45 

duty whenever they get a chance? I wish I knew 
the name of the last one that held office in Pompeii 
so that I could give him a blast. I speak with feel 
ing on this subject, because I caught my foot in one 
of those ruts, and the sadness that came over me 
when I saw the first poor skeleton, with ashes and 
lava sticking to it, was tempered by the reflection 
that may be that party was the street commissioner. 

No Pompeii is no longer a buried city. It is a 
city of hundreds and hundreds of roofless houses, 
and a tangled maze of streets where one could easily 
get lost, without a guide, and have to sleep in some 
ghostly palace that had known no living tenant since 
that awful November night of eighteen centuries ago. 

We passed through the gate which faces the 
Mediterranean (called the * Marine Gate"), and by 
the rusty, broken image of Minerva, still keeping 
tireless watch and ward over the possessions it was 
powerless to save, and went up a long street and 
stood in the broad court of the Forum of Justice. 
The floor was level and clean, and up and down 
either side was a noble colonnade of broken pillars, 
with their beautiful Ionic and Corinthian columns 
scattered about them. At the upper end were the 
vacant seats of the judges, and behind them we 
descended into a dungeon where the ashes and 
cinders had found two prisoners chained on that 
memorable November night, and tortured them to 
death. How they must have tugged at the pitiless 
fetters as the fierce fires surged around them ! 

46 The Innocents Abroad 

Then we lounged through many and many a 
sumptuous private mansion which we could not have 
entered without a formal invitation in incomprehen 
sible Latin, in the olden time, when the owners lived 
there and we probably wouldn t have got it. 
These people built their houses a good deal alike. 
The floors were laid in fanciful figures wrought in 
mosaics of many-colored marbles. At the threshold 
your eyes fall upon a Latin sentence of welcome, 
sometimes, or a picture of a dog, with the legend, 
" Beware of the Dog," and sometimes a picture of 
a bear or a faun with no inscription at all. Then 
you enter a sort of vestibule, where they used to 
keep the hat-rack, I suppose ; next a room with a 
large marble basin in the midst and the pipes of a 
fountain; on either side are bedrooms; beyond the 
fountain is a reception-room, then a little garden, 
dining-room, and so forth and so on. The floors 
were all mosaic, the walls were stuccoed, or frescoed, 
or ornamented with bas-reliefs, and here and there 
were statues, large and small, and little fish-pools, 
and cascades of sparkling water that sprang from 
secret places in the colonnade of handsome pillars 
that surrounded the court, and kept the flower beds 
fresh and the air cool. Those Pompeiians were 
very luxurious in their tastes and habits. The most 
exquisite bronzes we have seen in Europe came 
from the exhumed cities of Herculancum and Pom 
peii, and also the finest cameos and the most deli 
cate engravings on precious stones ; their pictures, 

The Innocents Abroad 47 

eighteen or nineteen centuries old, are often much 
more pleasing than the celebrated rubbish of the old 
masters of three centuries ago. They were well up 
in art. From the creation of these works of the 
first, clear up to the eleventh century, art seems 
hardly to have existed at all at least no remnants 
of it are left and it was curious to see how far (in 
some things, at any rate) these old-time pagans ex 
celled the remote generations of masters that came 
after them. The pride of the world in sculptures 
seem to be the Laocoon and the Dying Gladiator, 
in Rome. They are as old as Pompeii, were dug 
from the earth like Pompeii ; but their exact age or 
who made them can only be conjectured. But 
worn and cracked, without a history, and with the 
blemishing stains of numberless centuries upon 
them, they still mutely mock at all efforts to rival 
their perfections. 

It was a quaint and curious pastime, wandering 
through this old silent city of the dead lounging 
through utterly deserted streets where thousands and 
thousands of human beings once bought and sold, 
and walked and rode, and made the place resound 
with the noise and confusion of traffic and pleasure. 
They were not lazy. They hurried in those days. 
We had evidence of that. There was a temple on 
one corner, and it was a shorter cut to go between 
the columns of that temple from one street to the 
other than to go around and behold, that pathway 
been worn deep into the heavy flagstone floor 

48 The Innocents Abroad 

of the building by generations of time-saving feet ! 
They would not go around when it was quicker to 
go through. We do that way in our cities. 

Everywhere, you see things that make you won 
der how old these old houses were before the night 
of destruction came things, too, which bring back 
those long-dead inhabitants and place them living 
before your eyes. For instance: The steps (two 
feet thick lava blocks) that lead up out of the 
school, and the same kind of steps that lead up into 
the dress circle of the principal theater, are almost 
worn through ! For ages the boys hurried out of 
that school, and for ages their parents hurried into 
that theater, and the nervous feet that have been 
dust and ashes for eighteen centuries have left their 
record for us to read to-day. I imagined I could 
see crowds of gentlemen and ladies thronging into 
the theater, with tickets for secured seats in their 
hands, and on the wall, I read the imaginary 
placard, in infamous grammar, " POSITIVELY No 
Hanging about the doorway (I fancied) were 
slouchy Pompeiian street boys uttering slang and 
profanity, and keeping a wary eye out for checks. 
I entered the theater, and sat down in one of the 
long rows of stone benches in the dress circle, and 
looked at the place for the orchestra, and the ruined 
stage, and around at the wide sweep of empty 
boxes, and thought to myself, "This house won t 
pay." I tried to imagine the music in full blast, 

The Innocents Abroad 49 

the leader of the orchestra beating time, and the 
"versatile" So-and-So (who had "just returned 
from a most successful tour in the provinces to play 
his last and farewell engagement of positively six 
nights only, in Pompeii, previous to his departure 
for Hcrculaneum ") charging around the stage and 
piling the agony mountains high but I could not 
do it with such a "house" as that; those empty 
benches tied my fancy down to dull reality. I said, 
these people that ought to be here have been dead, 
and still, and moldering to dust for ages and ages, 
and will never care for the trifles and follies of life 
any more forever " Owing to circumstances, etc., 
etc., there will not be any performance to-night." 
Close down the curtain. Put out the lights. 

And so I turned away and went through shop 
after shop and store after store, far down the long 
street of the merchants, and called for the wares of 
Rome and the East, but the tradesmen were gone, 
the marts were silent, and nothing was left but the 
broken jars all set in cement of cinders and ashes ; 
the wine and the oil that once had filled them were 
gone with their owners. 

In a bake-shop was a mill for grinding the grain, 
and the furnaces for baking the bread; and they 
say that here, in the same furnaces, the exhumers 
of Pompeii found nice, well-baked loaves which the 
baker had not found time to remove from the ovens 
the last time he left his shop, because circumstances 
compelled him to leave in such a hurry. 

50 The Innocents Abroad 

In one house (the only building in Pompeii which 
no woman is now allowed to enter) were the small 
rooms and short beds of solid masonry, just as they 
were in the old times, and on the walls were pictures 
which looked almost as fresh as if they were painted 
yesterday, but which no pen could have the hardi 
hood to describe; and here and there were Latin 
inscriptions obscene scintillations of wit, scratched 
by hands that possibly were uplifted to Heaven for 
succor in the midst of a driving storm of fire before 
the night was done. 

In one of the principal streets was a ponderous 
stone tank, and a waterspout that supplied it, and 
where the tired, heated toilers from the Campagna 
used to rest their right hands when they bent over 
to put their lips to the spout, the thick stone was 
worn down to a broad groove an inch or two deep. 
Think of the countless thousands of hands that had 
pressed that spot in the ages that are gone, to so 
reduce a stone that is as hard as iron ! 

They had a great public bulletin-board in Pompeii 
a place where announcements for gladiatorial 
combats, elections, and such things, were posted 
not on perishable paper, but carved in enduring 
stone. One lady, who, I take it, was rich and well 
brought up, advertised a dwelling or so to rent, with 
baths and all the modern improvements, and several 
hundred shops, stipulating that the dwellings should 
not be put to immoral purposes. You can find out 
who lived in many a house in Pompeii by the carved 

The Innocents Abroad 5i 

stone door-plates affixed to them : and in the same 
way you can tell who they were that occupy the 
tombs. Everywhere around are things that reveal 
to you something of the customs and history of this 
forgotten people. But what would a volcano leave 
of an American city, if it once rained its cinders on 
it? Hardly a sign or a symbol to tell its story. 

In one of these long Pompeiian halls the skeleton of 
a man was found, with ten pieces of gold in one hand 
and a large key in the other. He had seized his 
money and started toward the door, but the fiery 
tempest caught him at the very threshold, and he 
sank down and died. One more minute of precious 
time would have saved him. I saw the skeletons of a 
man, a woman, and two young girls. The woman had 
her hands spread wide apart, as if in mortal terror, 
and I imagined I could still trace upon her shapeless 
face something of the expression of wild despair that 
distorted it when the heavens rained fire in these 
streets, so many ages ago. The girls and the man 
lay with their faces upon their arms, as if they had 
tried to shield them from the enveloping cinders. In 
one apartment eighteen skeletons were found, all in 
sitting postures, and blackened places on the walls 
still mark their shapes and show their attitudes, like 
shadows. One of them, a woman, still wore upon 
her skeleton throat a necklace, with her name en 
graved upon it JULIE DI DlOMEDE. 

But perhaps the most poetical thing Pompeii has 
yielded to modern research, was that grand figure of 

52 The Innocents Abroad 

a Roman soldier, clad in complete armor; who, true 
to his duty, true to his proud name of a soldier of 
Rome, and full of the stern courage which had given 
to that name its glory, stood to his post by the city 
gate, erect and unflinching, till the hell that raged 
around him burned out the dauntless spirit it could 
not conquer. 

We never read of Pompeii but we think of that 
soldier; we cannot write of Pompeii without the 
natural impulse to grant to him the mention he so 
well deserves. Let us remember that he was a 
soldier not a policeman and so, praise him. 
Being a soldier, he stayed,- because the warrior in 
stinct forbade him to fly. Had he been a policeman 
he would have stayed, also because he would have 
been asleep. 

There are not half a dozen flights of stairs in Pom 
peii, and no other evidences that the houses were 
more than one story high. The people did not live 
in the clouds, as do the Venetians, the Genoese 
and Neapolitans of to-day. 

We came out from under the solemn mysteries of 
this city of the Venerable Past this city which per 
ished, with all its old ways and its quaint old fashions 
about it, remote centuries ago, when the Disciples 
were preaching the new religion, which is as old as 
the hills to us now and went dreaming among the 
trees that grow over acres and acres of its still buried 
streets and squares, till a shrill whistle and the cry 
of "All aboard last train for Naples ! " woke me 

The Innocents Abroad 5> 

up and reminded me that I belonged in the nine 
teenth century, and was not a dusty mummy, caked 
with ashes and cinders, eighteen hundred years old. 
The transition was startling. The idea of a railroad 
train actually running to old dead Pompeii, and 
whistling irreverently, and calling for passengers in 
the most bustling and business-like way, was as 
strange a thing as one could imagine, and as unpo- 
etical and disagreeable as it was strange. 

Compare the cheerful life and the sunshine of this 
day with the horrors the younger Pliny saw here, 
the 9th of November, A.D. 79, when he was so 
bravely striving to remove his mother out of reach 
of harm, while she begged him, with all a mother s 
unselfishness, to leave her to perish and save himself. 

" By this time the murky darkness had so increased that one might 
have believed himself abroad in a black and moonless night, or in a 
chamber where all the lights had been extinguished. On every hand 
as heard the complaints of women, the wailing of children, and the 
cries of men. One called his father, another his son, and another his 
wife, and only by their voices could they know each other. Many in 
their despair begged that death would come and end their distress. 

" Some implored the gods to succor them, and some believed that 
this night wa* the last, the eternal night which should engulf the 
universe ! 

" Even so it seemed to me and I consoled myself for the coming 
death with the reflection : BEHOLD! THE WORLD is PASSING AWAY!" 

After browsing among the stately ruins of Rome, 
of Bain:, of Pompeii, and after glancing down the 
long marble ranks of battered and nameless imperial 
heads that stretch down the corridors of the Vatican, 
one thing strikes me with a force it never had be- 

$4 The Innocents Abroad 

fore: the unsubstantial, unlasting character of fame. 
Men lived long lives, in the olden time, and struggled 
feverishly through them, toiling like slaves, in ora 
tory, in generalship, or in literature, and then laid 
them down and died, happy in the possession of an 
enduring history and a deathless name. Well, twenty 
little centuries flutter away, and what is left of these 
things? A crazy inscription on a block of stone, 
which snuffy antiquaries bother over and tangle up 
and make nothing out of but a bare name (which 
they spell wrong) no history, no tradition, no 
poetry nothing that can give it even a passing in 
terest. What may be left of General Grant s great 
name forty centuries hence? This in the Ency 
clopedia for A.D. 5868, possibly. 

" URIAH S. (or Z.) GRAUNT popular poet of ancient times in the 
Aztec provinces of the United States of British America. Some authors 
say flourished about A.D. 742; but the learned Ah-ah Foo-foo states 
that he was a cotemporary of Scharkspyre, the English poet, and flour 
ished about A.D. 1328, some three centuries after the Trojan wax 
instead of before it. He wrote * Rock me to Sleep, Mother. 

These thoughts sadden me. I will to bed. 


HOME, again! For the first time, in many 
weeks, the ship s entire family met and 
shook hands on the quarter-deck. They had 
gathered from many points of the compass and from 
many lands, but not one was missing; there was no 
tale of sickness or death among the fleck to dampen 
the pleasure of the reunion. Once more there was 
a full audience on deck to listen to the sailors 
chorus as they got the anchor up, and to wave an 
adieu to the land as we sped away from Naples. 

The seats were full at dinner again, the domino 
parties were complete, and the life and bustle on 
the upper deck in the fine moonlight at night was 
like old times old times that had been gone weeks 
only, but yet they were weeks so crowded with in 
cident, adventure, and excitement, that they seemed 
almost like years. There was no lack of cheerful 
ness on board the Quaker City. For once, her title 
was a misnomer. 

At seven in the evening, with the western horizon 
all golden from the sunken sun, and specked with 
distant ships, the full moon sailing high over head, 


56 The Innocents Abroad 

the dark blue of the sea under foot, and a strange 
sort of twilight affected by all these different lights 
and colors around us and about us, we sighted superb 
Stromboli. \Yith what majesty the monarch held 
his lonely state above the level sea! Distance 
clothed him in a purple gloom, and added a veil of 
shimmering mist that so softened his rugged features 
that we seemed to see him through a web of silver 
gauze. His torch was out; his fires were smolder 
ing; a tall column of smoke that rose up and lost it 
self in the growing moonlight was all the sign he 
gave that he was a living Autocrat of the Sea and not 
the specter of a dead one. 

At two in the morning we swept through the 
Straits of Messina, and so bright was the moonlight 
that Italy on the one hand and Sicily on the other 
seemed almost as distinctly visible as though we 
looked at them from the middle of a street we were 
traversing. The city of Messina, milk-white, and 
starred and spangled all over with gaslights, was a 
fairy spectacle. A great party of us were on deck 
smoking and making a noise, and waiting to see 
famous Scylla and Charybdis. And presently the 
Oracle stepped out with his eternal spy-glass and 
squared himself on the deck like another Colossus 
of Rhodes. It was a surprise to see him abroad at 
such an hour. Nobody supposed he cared anything 
about an old fable like that of Scylla and Charybdis. 
One of the boys said : 

" Hello, doctor, what are you doing up here at 

The Innocents Abroad 57 

this time of night? What do you want to ee this 
place for?" 

"What do 7 want to see this place for? Young 
man, little do you know me, or you wouldn t ask 
such a question. I wish to see all the places that s 
mentioned in the Bible." 

" Stuff! This place isn t mentioned in the Bible." 

"It ain t mentioned in the Bible! this place 
ain t well now, what place is this, since you know 
so much about it?" 

"Why it s Scylla and Charybdis." 

" Scylla and Cha confound it, I thought it was 
Sodom and Gomorrah! " 

And he closed up his glass and went below. The 
above is the ship story. Its plausibility is marred 
a little by the fact that the Oracle was not a biblical 
student, and did not spend much of his time instruct 
ing himself about Scriptural localities. They say the 
Oracle complains, in this hot weather, lately, that 
the only beverage in the ship that is passable, is the 
butter. He did not mean butter, of course, but in 
asmuch as that article remains in a melted state now 
since we are out of ice, it is fair to give him the credit 
of getting one long word in the right place, anyhow, 
for once in his life. He said, in Rome, that the 
Pope was a noble-looking old man, but he never did 
think much of his Iliad. 

We spent one pleasant day skirting along the Isles 
of Greece. They are very mountainous. Their 
prevailing tints are gray and brown, approaching to 

$8 The Innocents Abroad 

red. Little white villages, surrounded by trees, 
nestle in the valleys or roost upon the lofty perpqn- 
dicular sea-walls. 

We had one fine sunset a rich carmine flush 
that suffused the western sky and cast a ruddy glow 
far over the sea. Fine sunsets seem to be rare in 
this part of the world or at least, striking ones. 
They are soft, sensuous, lovely they are exquisite, 
refined, effeminate, but we have seen no sunsets here 
yet like the gorgeous conflagrations that flame in the 
track of the sinking sun in our high northern 

But what were sunsets to us, with the wild excite 
ment upon us of approaching the most renowned of 
cities ! What cared we for outward visions, when 
Agamemnon, Achilles, and a thousand other heroes 
of the great Past were marching in ghostly procession 
through our fancies? What were sunsets to us, who 
were about to live and breathe and walk in actual 
Athens; yea, and go far down into the dead centuries 
and bid in person for the slaves, Diogenes and Plato, 
in the public market-place, or gossip with the neigh 
bors about the siege of Troy or the splendid deeds 
of Marathon? We scorned to consider sunsets. 

We arrived, and entered the ancient harbor of the 
Piraeus at last. We dropped anchor within half a 
mile of the village. Away off, across the undulat 
ing Plain of Attica, could be seen a little square-top 
ped hill with a something on it, which our glasses 
soon discovered to be the ruined edifices of the 

The Innocents Abroad 59 

citadel of the Athenians, and most prominent among 
them loomed the venerable Parthenon. So ex 
quisitely clear and pure is this wonderful atmosphere 
that every column of the noble structure was discern 
ible through the telescope, and even the smaller ruins 
about it assumed some semblance of shape. This 
at a distance of five or six miles. In the valley, 
near the Acropolis (the square-topped hill before 
spoken of), Athens itself could be vaguely made out 
with an ordinary lorgnette. Everybody was anxious 
to get ashore and visit these classic localities as 
quickly as possible. No land we had yet seen had 

aroused such universal interest among the passen 

But bad news came. The commandant of the 
Piraeus came in his boat, and said we must either 
depart or else get outside the harbor and remain im 
prisoned in our ship, under rigid quarantine, for 
eleven days ! So we took up the anchor and moved 
outside, to lie a dozen hours or so, taking in sup 
plies, and then sail for Constantinople. It was the 
bitterest disappointment we had yet experienced. 
To lie a whole day in sight of the Acropolis, and yet 
be obliged to go away without visiting Athens ! Dis 
appointment was hardly a strong enough word to de 
scribe the circumstances. 

All hands were on deck, all the afternoon, with 
books and maps and glasses, trying to determine 
which " narrow rocky ridge" was the Areopagus, 
which sloping hill the Pnyx, which elevation the 

60 The Innocents Abroad 

Museum Hill, and so on. And we got things con- 
fused. Discussion became heated, and party spirit 
ran high. Church members were gazing with emo 
tion upon a hill which they said was the one St. 
Paul preached from, and another faction claimed 
that that hill was Hymettus, and another that it was 
Pentelicon! After all the trouble, we could be 
certain of only one thing the square-topped hill 
was the Acropolis, and the grand ruin that crowned 
it was the Parthenon, whose picture we knew in 
infancy in the schoolbooks. 

We inquired of everybody who came near the 
ship, whether there were guards in the Piraeus, 
whether they were strict, what the chances were 
of capture should any of us slip ashore, and in case 
any of us made the venture and were caught, what 
would be probably done to us? The answers were 
discouraging: There was a strong guard or police 
force ; the Piraeus was a small town, and any stranger 
seen in it would surely attract attention capture 
would be certain. The commandant said the punish 
ment would be "heavy"; when asked " How 
heavy?" he said it would be " very severe " that 
was all we could get out of him. 

At eleven o clock at night, when most of the 
ship s company were abed, four of us stole softly 
ashore in a small boat, a clouded moon favoring the 
enterprise, and started two and two, and far apart, 
over a low hill, intending to go clear around the 
Piraeus, out of the range of its police. Picking our 

The Innocents Abroad 61 

way so stealthily over that rocky, nettle-grown 
eminence, made me feel a good deal as if I were on 
my way somewhere to steal something. My imme 
diate comrade and I talked in an undertone about 
quarantine laws and their penalties, but we found 
nothing cheering in the subject. I was posted. 
Only a few days before, I was talking with our cap 
tain, and he mentioned the case of a man who swam 
ashore from a quarantined ship somewhere, and got 
imprisoned six months for it ; and when he was in 
Genoa a few years ago, a captain of a quarantined 
ship went in his boat to a departing ship, which was 
already outside of the harbor, and put a letter on 
board to be taken to his family, and the authorities 
imprisoned him three months for it, and then con 
ducted him and his ship fairly to sea, and warned 
him never to show himself in that port again while 
he lived. This kind of conversation did no good, 
further than to give a sort of dismal interest to our 
quarantine-breaking expedition, and so we dropped 
it. We made the entire circuit of the town without 
seeing anybody but one man, who stared at us curi 
ously, but said nothing, and a dozen persons asleep 
on the ground before their doors, whom we walked 
among and never woke but we woke up dogs 
enough, in all conscience we always had one or 
two barking at our heels, and several times we had 
as many as ten and twelve at once. They made such 
a preposterous din that persons aboard our ship said 
they could tell how we were progressing for a long 

62 The Innocents Abroad 

time, and where we were, by the barking of the 
dogs. The clouded moon still favored us. When 
we had made the whole circuit, and were passing 
among the houses on the further side of the town, 
the moon came out splendidly, but we no longer 
feared the light. As we approached a well, near a 
house, to get a drink, the owner merely glanced at 
us and went within. He left the quiet, slumbering 
town at our mercy. I record it here proudly, that 
we didn t do anything to it. 

Seeing no road, we took a tall hill to the left of 
the distant Acropolis for a mark, and steered straight 
for it over all obstructions, and over a little rougher 
piece of country than exists anywhere else outside 
of the State of Nevada, perhaps. Part of the way it 
was covered with small, loose stones we trod on six 
at a time, and they all rolled. Another part of it 
was dry, loose, newly-plowed ground. Still another 
part of it was a long stretch of low grapevines, 
which were tanglesome and troublesome, and which 
we took to be brambles. The Attic Plain, barring 
the grapevines, was a barren, desolate, unpoetical 
waste I wonder what it was in Greece s Age of 
Glory, five hundred years before Christ? 

In the neighborhood of one o clock in the morn 
ing, when we were heated with fast walking and 
parched with thirst, Denny exclaimed, " Why, these 
weeds are grapevines!" and in five minutes we had 
a score of bunches of large, white, delicious grapes, 
and were reaching down for more when a dark shape 

The Innocents Abroad 63 

rose mysteriously up out of the shadows beside us 
and said " Ho !" And so we left. 

In ten minutes more we struck into a beautiful 
road, and unlike some others we had stumbled upon 
at intervals, it led in the right direction. We fol 
lowed it. It was broad and smooth and white 
handsome and in perfect repair, and shaded on both 
sides for a mile or so with single ranks of trees, and 
also with luxuriant vineyards. Twice we entered 
and stole grapes, and the second time somebody 
shouted at us from some invisible place. Where 
upon we left again. We speculated in grapes no 
more on that side of Athens. 

Shortly we came upon an ancient stone aqueduct, 
built upon arches, and from that time forth we had 
ruins all about us we were approaching our jour 
ney s end. We could not see the Acropolis now or 
the high hill, either, and I wanted to follow the road 
till we were abreast of them, but the others overruled 
me, and we toiled laboriously up the stony hill im 
mediately in our front and from its summit saw 
another climbed it and saw another! It was an 
hour of exhausting work. Soon we came upon a 
row of open graves, cut in the solid rock (for a 
while one of them served Socrates for a prison) 
we passed around the shoulder of the hill, and the 
citadel, in all its ruined magnificence, burst upon 
us! We hurried across the ravine and up a winding 
road, and stood on the old Acropolis, with the pro 
digious walls of the citadel towering above our 

64 The Innocents Abroad 

heads. We did not stop to inspect their massive 
blocks of marble, or measure their height, or guess 
at their extraordinary thickness, but passed at once 
ihrough a great arched passage like a railway tunnel, 
and went straight to the gate that leads to the 
ancient temples. It was locked ! So, after all, it 
seemed that we were not to see the great Parthenon 
face to face. We sat down and held a council of 
war. Result : The gate was only a flimsy structure 
of wood we would break it down. It seemed like 
desecration, but then we had traveled far, and our 
necessities were urgent. We could not hunt up 
guides and keepers we must be on the ship before 
daylight. So we argued. This was all very fine, 
but when we came to break the gate, we could not 
do it. We moved around an angle of the wall and 
found a low bastion eight feet high without ten 
or twelve within. Denny prepared to scale it, and 
we got ready to follow. By dint of hard scrambling 
he finally straddled the top, but some loose stones 
crumbled away and fell with a crash into the court 
within. There was instantly a banging of doors and 
a shout. Denny dropped from the wall in a twink 
ling, and we retreated in disorder to the gate. 
Xerxes took that mighty citadel four hundred and 
eighty years before Christ, when his five millions of 
soldiers and camp-followers followed him to Greece, 
and if we four Americans could have remained un 
molested five minutes longer, we would have taken 
it too 

The Innocents Abroad 65 

The garrison had turned out four Greeks. We 
clamored at the gate, and they admitted us. 
[Bribery and corruption.] 

We crossed a large court, entered a great door, 
and stood upon a pavement of purest white marble, 
deeply worn by footprints. Before us, in the flood 
ing moonlight, rose the noblest ruins we had ever 
looked upon the Propylaea; a small temple of 
Minerva; the Temple of Hercules, and the grand 
Parthenon. [We got these names from the Greek 
guide, who didn t seem to know more than seven 
men ought to know.] These edifices were all built 
of the whitest Pentelic marble, but have a pinkish 
stain upon them now. Where any part is broken, 
however, the fracture looks like fine loaf sugar. Six 
caryatides, or marble women, clad in flowing robes, 
support the portico of the Temple of Hercules, but 
the porticoes and colonnades of the other structures 
are formed of massive Doric and Ionic pillars, whose 
flutings and capitals are still measurably perfect, 
notwithstanding the centuries that have gone over 
them and the sieges they have suffered. The Par 
thenon, originally, was two hundred and twenty-six 
feet long, one hundred wide, and seventy high, and 
had two rows of great columns, eight in each, at 
either end, and single rows of seventeen each down 
the sides, and was one of the most graceful and 
beautiful edifices ever erected. 

Most of the Parthenon s imposing columns are 
still standing, but the roof is gone. It was a perfect 

66 The Innocents Abroad 


building two hundred and fifty years ago, when a 
shell dropped into the Venetian magazine stored 
here, and the explosion which followed wrecked and 
unroofed it. I remember but little about the Par 
thenon, and I have put in one or two facts and 
figures for the use of other people with short 
memories. Got them from the guide-book. 

As we wandered thoughtfully down the marble- 
paved length of this stately temple, the scene about 
us was strangely impressive. Here and there, in 
lavish profusion, were gleaming white statues of men 
and women, propped against blocks of marble, some 
of them armless, some without legs, others headless 
but all looking mournful in the moonlight, and 
startlingly human ! They rose up and confronted 
the midnight intruder on every side they stared at 
him with stony eyes from unlooked-for nocks and 
recesses ; they peered at him over fragmentary heaps 
far down the desolate corridors; they barred his 
way in the midst of the broad forum, and solemnly 
pointed with handless arms the way from the sacred 
fane; and through the roofless temple the moon 
looked down, and banded the floor and darkened the 
scattered fragments and broken statues with the 
slanting shadows of the columns. 

What a world of ruined sculpture was about us ! 
Set up in rows stacked up in piles scattered 
broadcast over the wide area of the Acropolis 
were hundreds of crippled statues of all sizes and of 
the most exquisite workmanship ; and vast fragments 

The Innocents Abroad 67 

of marble that once belonged to the entablatures, 
covered with bas-reliefs representing battles and 
sieges, ships of war with three and four tiers of 
oars, pageants and processions everything one 
could think of. History says that the temples of 
the Acropolis were filled with the noblest works of 
Praxiteles and Phidias, and of many a great master 
in sculpture besides and surely these elegant frag 
ments attest it. 

We walked out into the grass-grown, fragment- 
strewn court beyond the Parthenon. It startled us, 
every now and then, to see a stony white face stare 
suddenly up at us out of the grass with its dead 
eyes. The place seemed alive with ghosts. I half 
expected to see the Athenian heroes of twenty 
centuries ago glide out of the shadows and steal 
into the old temple they knew so well and regarded 
with such boundless pride. 

The full moon was riding high in the cloudless 
heavens now. We sauntered carelessly and unthink 
ingly to the edge of the lofty battlements of the 
citadel, and looked down a vision ! And such a 
vision ! Athens by moonlight ! The prophet that 
thought the splendors of the New Jerusalem were 
revealed to him, surely saw this instead! It lay in 
the level plain right under our feet all spread 
abroad like a picture and we looked down upon it 
as we might have looked from a balloon. We saw 
no semblance of a street, but every house, every 
window, every clinging vine, every projection, was 

68 The Innocents Abroad 

as distinct and sharply marked as if the time were 
noonday; and yet there was no glare, no glitter, 
nothing harsh or repulsive the noiseless city was 
flooded with the mellowest light that ever streamed 
from the moon, and seemed like some living creature 
wrapped in peaceful slumber. On its further side 
was a little temple, whose delicate pillars and ornate 
front glowed with a rich luster that chained the eye 
like a spell ; and nearer by, the palace of the king 
reared its creamy walls out of the midst of a great 
garden of shrubbery that was flecked all over with a 
random shower of amber lights a spray of golden 
sparks that lost their brightness in the glory of the 
moon, and glinted softly upon the sea of dark 
foliage like the pallid stars of the milky-way. Over 
head the stately columns, majestic still in their ruin 
under foot the dreaming city in the distance 
the silver sea not on the broad earth is there 
another picture half so beautiful ! 

As we turned and moved again through the 
temple, I wished that the illustrious men who had 
sat in it in the remote ages could visit it again and 
reveal themselves to our curious eyes Plato, Aris 
totle, Demosthenes, Socrates, Phocion, Pythagoras, 
Euclid, Pindar, Xenophon, Herodotus, Praxiteles 
and Phidias, Zeuxis the painter. What a constella 
tion of celebrated names! But more than all, I 
wished that old Diogenes, groping so patiently with 
his lantern, searching so zealously for one solitary 
honest man in all the world, might meander along 

The Innocents Abroad 69 

and stumble on our party. I ought not to say it, 
may be, but still I suppose he would have put out 
his light. 

We left the Parthenon tc keep its watch over old 
Athens, as it had kept it for twenty-three hundred 
years, and went and stood outside the walls of the 
citadel. In the distance was the ancient, but still 
almost perfect, Temple of Theseus, and close by, 
looking to the West, was the Bema, from whence 
Demosthenes thundered his philippics and fired the 
wavering patriotism of his countrymen. To the 
right was Mars Hill, where the Areopagus sat in 
ancient times, and where St. Paul defined his posi 
tion, and below was the market-place where he * dis 
puted daily " with the gossip-loving Athenians. We 
climbed the stone steps St. Paul ascended, and 
stood in the square-cut place he stood in, and tried 
to recollect the Bible account of the matter but 
for certain reasons, I could not recall the words. I 
have found them since: 

"Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred 
in him, when he saw the city wholly given up to idolatry. 

" Therefore disputed he in the synagogue with the Jews, and with the 
devout persons, and in the market daily with them that met with him. 

" And they took him and brought him unto Areopagus, saying, May 
ire know what this new doctrine whereof thou tpcakftt is? 

"Then Paul stood in the midst of Mars hill, and said, Ye men of 
Athens, I perceive that in all things ye are too superstitious; 

" For AS I passed by and beheld your defotfam, I found an altar 
with this inscription: To THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom, therefore, ye 
ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you." A<to t ch. xvii. 

70 The Innocents Abroad 

It occurred to us, after a while, that if we wanted 
to get home before daylight betrayed us, we had 
better be moving. So we hurried away. When 
far on our road, we had a parting view of the Par* 
thenon, with the moonlight streaming through its 
open colonnades and touching its capitals with 
silver. As it looked then, solemn, grand, and 
beautiful, it will always remain in our memories. 

As we marched along, we began to get over our 
fears, and ceased to care much about quarantine 
scouts or anybody else. We grew bold and reck 
less; and once, in a sudden burst of courage, I even 
threw a stone at a dog. It was a pleasant reflection, 
though, that I did not hit him, because his master 
might just possibly have been a policeman. Inspired 
by this happy failure, my valor became utterly un 
controllable, and at intervals I absolutely whistled, 
though on a moderate key. But boldness breeds 
boldness, and shortly I plunged into a vineyard, in 
the full light of the moon, and captured a gallon of 
superb grapes, not even minding the presence of a 
peasant who rode by on a mule. Denny and Birch 
followed my example. Now I had grapes enough 
for a dozen, but then Jackson was all swollen up 
with courage, too, and he was obliged to enter a 
vineyard presently. The first bunch he seized 
brought trouble. A frowsy, bearded brigand sprang 
into the road with a shout, and flourished a musket 
in the light of the moon ! We sidled toward the 
Pirxus not running, you understand, but only 

The Innocents Abroad 71 

advancing with celerity. The brigand shouted again, 
but still we advanced. It was getting late, and we 
had no time to fool away on every ass that wanted 
to drivel Greek platitudes to us. We would just as 
soon have talked with him as not if we had not been 
in a hurry. Presently Denny said, "Those fellows. 
are following us !" 

We turned, and, sure enough, there they were 
three fantastic pirates armed with guns. We slack 
ened our pace to let them come up, and in the 
meantime I got out my cargo of grapes and dropped 
them firmly but reluctantly into the shadows by the 
wayside. But I was not afraid. I only felt that it 
was not right to steal grapes. And all the more so 
when the owner was around and not only around, 
but with his friends around also. The villains came 
up and searched a bundle Dr. Birch had in his hand, 
and scowled upon him when they found it had 
nothing in it but some holy rocks from Mars Hill, 
and these were not contraband. They evidently 
suspected him of playing some wretched fraud upon 
them, and seemed half inclined to scalp the party. 
But finally they dismissed us with a warning, 
couched in excellent Greek, I suppose, and dropped 
tranquilly in our wake. When they had gone three 
hundred yards they stopped, and we went on re 
joiced. But behold, another armed rascal came out 
of the shadows and took their place, and followed 
us two hundred yards. Then he delivered us over 
to another miscreant, who emerged from some mys- 

72 The Innocents Abroad 

terious place, and he in turn to another ! For a 
mile and a half our rear was guarded all the while 
by armed men. I never traveled in so much state 
before in all my life. 

It was a good while after that before we ventured 
to steal any more grapes, and when we did we stirred 
up another troublesome brigand, and then we ceased 
all further speculation in that line. I suppose that 
fellow that rode by on the mule posted all the 
sentinels, from Athens to the Piraeus, about us. 

Every field on that long route was watched by an 
armed sentinel, some of whom had fallen asleep, no 
doubt, but were on hand, nevertheless. This shows 
what sort of a country modern Attica is a com 
munity of questionable characters. These men were 
not there to guard their possessions against strangers, 
but against each other; for strangers seldom visit 
Athens and the Piraeus, and when they do, they go 
in daylight, and can buy all the grapes they want 
for a trifle. The modern inhabitants are confiscators 
and falsifiers of high repute, if gossip speaks truly 
concerning them, and I freely believe it does. 

Just as the earliest tinges of the dawn flushed the 
eastern sky and turned the pillared Parthenon to a 
broken harp hung in the pearly horizon, we closed 
our thirteenth mile of weary, round-about marching, 
and emerged upon the seashore abreast the ships, 
with our usual escort of fifteen hundred Piraean dogs 
howling at our heels. We hailed a boat that was 
two or three hundred yards from shore, and discov- 

The Innocents Abroad 73 

cred in a moment that it was a police-boat on the 
lookout for any quarantine breakers that might 
chance to be abroad. So we dodged we were 
used to that by this time and when the scouts 
reached the spot we had so lately occupied, we were 
absent. They cruised along the shore, but in the 
wrong direction, and shortly our own boat issued 
from the gloom and took us aboard. They had 
heard our signal on the ship. We rowed noiselessly 
away, and before the police-boat came in sight 
again, we were safe at home once more. 

Four more of our passengers were anxious to visit 
Athens, and started half an hour after we returned ; 
but they had not been ashore five minutes till the 
police discovered and chased them so hotly that they 
barely escaped to their boat again, and that was all. 
They pursued the enterprise no further. 

We set sail for Constantinople to-day, but some 
of us little care for that. We have seen all there was 
to see in the old city that had its birth sixteen hun 
dred years before Christ was born, and was an old 
town before the foundations of Troy were laid 
and saw it in its most attractive aspect. Wherefore, 
why should we worry? 

Two other passengers ran the blockade success 
fully last night. So we learned this morning. They 
slipped away so quietly that they were not missed 
from the ship for several hours. They had the 
hardihood to march into the Piraeus in the early 
dusk and hire a carriage. They ran some danger of 

74 The Innocents Abroad 

adding two or three months imprisonment to the 
other novelties of their Holy Land Pleasure Excur 
sion. I admire " cheek."* But they went and 
came safely, and never walked a step. 

Quotation from the Pilgrims. 


rROM Athens all through the islands of the 
Grecian Archipelago, we saw little but forbid 
ding sea-walls and barren hills, sometimes sur 
mounted by three or four graceful columns of some 
ancient temple, lonely and deserted a fitting sym 
bol of the desolation that has come upon all Greece 
in these latter ages. We saw no plowed fields, very 
few villages, no trees or grass or vegetation of any 
kind, scarcely, and hardly ever an isolated house. 
Greece is a bleak, unsmiling desert, without agricul 
ture, manufactures, or commerce, apparently. What 
supports its poverty-stricken people or its govern 
ment, is a mystery. 

I suppose that ancient Greece and modern Greece 
compared, furnish the most extravagant contrast to 
be found in history. George I, an infant of eigh 
teen, and a scraggy nest of foreign office-holders, 
sit in the places of Thcmistocles, Pericles, and the 
illustrious scholars and generals of the Golden Age 
of Greece. The fleets that were the wonder of the 
world when the Parthenon was new, are a beggarly 
handful of fishing-smacks now, and the manly peo- 


76 The Innocents Abroad 

pie that performed such miracles of valor at Marathon 
are only a tribe of unconsidered slaves to-day. The 
classic Ilissus has gone dry, and so have all the 
sources of Grecian wealth and greatness. The 
nation numbers only eight hundred thousand souls, 
and there is poverty and misery and mendacity 
enough among them to furnish forty millions and be 
liberal about it. Under King Otho the revenues of 
the state were five millions of dollars raised from 
a tax of one-tenth of all the agricultural products of 
the land (which tenth the farmer had to bring to the 
royal granaries on pack-mules any distance not 
exceeding six leagues) and from extravagant taxes 
on trade and commerce. Out of that five millions 
the small tyrant tried to keep an army of ten thou 
sand men, pay all the hundreds of useless Grand 
Equerries in Waiting, First Grooms of the Bed 
chamber, Lord High Chancellors of the Exploded 
Exchequer, and all the other absurdities which these 
puppy-kingdoms indulge in, in imitation of the great 
monarchies; and in addition he set about building a 
white marble palace to cost about five millions itself. 
The result was, simply: Ten into five goes no times 
and none over. All these things could not be done 
with five millions, and Otho fell into trouble. 

The Greek throne, with its unpromising adjuncts 
of a ragged population of ingenious rascals who 
were out of employment eight months in the year 
because there was little for them to borrow and less 
to confiscate, and a waste of barren hills and weed- 

The Innocents Abroad 77 

grown deserts, went begging for a good while. It 
was offered to one of Victoria s sons, and afterward 
to various other younger sons of royalty who had no 
thrones and were out of business, but they all had 
the charity to decline the dreary honor, and venera 
tion enough for Greece s ancient greatness to refuse 
to mock her sorrowful rags and dirt with a tinsel 
throne in this day of her humiliation till they 
came to this young Danish George, and he took it. 
He has finished the splendid palace I saw in the radi 
ant moonlight the other night, and is doing many 
other things for the salvation of Greece, they say. 

We sailed through the barren Archipelago, and 
into the narrow channel they sometimes call the 
Dardanelles and sometimes the Hellespont. This 
part of the country is rich in historic reminiscences, 
and poor as Sahara in everything else. For in 
stance, as we approached the Dardanelles, we 
coasted along the Plains of Troy and past the mouth 
of the Scamandcr ; we saw where Troy had stood 
(in the distance), and where it does not stand now 
a city that perished when the world was young. 
The poor Trojans are all dead now. They were 
born too late to see Noah s ark, and died too soon 
to see our menagerie. We saw where Agamemnon s 
fleets rendezvoused, and away inland a mountain 
which the map said was Mount Ida. Within the 
Hellespont we saw where the original first shoddy 
contract mentioned in history was carried out, and 
the 4 * parties of the second part" gently rebuked 

78 The Innocents Abroad 

by Xerxes. I speak of the famous bridge of boats 
which Xerxes ordered to be built over the narrowest 
part of the Hellespont (where it is only two or three 
miles wide). A moderate gale destroyed the flimsy 
structure, and the King, thinking that to publicly 
rebuke the contractors might have a good effect on 
the next set, called them out before the army and 
had them beheaded. In the next ten minutes he let 
a new contract for the bridge. It has been observed 
by ancient writers that the second bridge was a very 
good bridge. Xerxes crossed his host of five 
millions of men on it, and if it had not been pur 
posely destroyed, it would probably have been there 
yet. If our government would rebuke some of our 
shoddy contractors occasionally, it might work much 
good. In the Hellespont we saw where Leander 
and Lord Byron swam across, the one to see her 
upon whom his soul s affections were fixed with a 
devotion that only death could impair, and the 
other merely for a flyer, as Jack says. We had two 
noted tombs near us, too. On one shore slept 
Ajax, and on the other Hecuba. 

We had water batteries and forts on both sides of 
the Hellespont, flying the crimson flag of Turkey, 
with its white crescent, and occasionally a village, 
and sometimes a train of camels; we had all these 
to look at till we entered the broad sea of Marmora, 
and then the land soon fading from view, we re 
sumed euchre and whist once more. 

We dropped anchor in the mouth of the Golden 

The Innocents Abroad 79 

Horn at daylight in the morning. Only three or 
four of us were up to see the great Ottoman capital. 
The passengers do not turn out at unseasonable 
hours, as they used to, to get the earliest possible 
glimpse of strange foreign cities. They are well 
over that. If we were lying in sight of the Pyra 
mids of Egypt, they would not come on deck until 
after breakfast, nowadays. 

The Golden Horn is a narrow arm of the sea, 
which branches from the Bosporus (a sort of broad 
river which connects the Marmora and Black Seas), 
and, curving around, divides the city in the middle. 
Galata and Pera are on one side of the Bosporus, 
and the Golden Horn; Stamboul (ancient Byzan 
tium) is upon the other. On the other bank of the 
Bosporus is Scutari and other suburbs of Constanti 
nople. This great city contains a million inhabitants, 
but so narrow are its streets, and so crowded to 
gether are its houses, that it does not cover much 
more than half as much ground as New York city. 
Seen from the anchorage or from a mile or so up 
the Bosporus, it is by far the handsomest city we 
have seen. Its dense array of houses swells upward 
from the water s edge, and spreads over the domes 
of many hills; and the .gardens that peep out here 
and there, the great globes of the mosques, and the 
countless minarets that meet the eye everywhere, 
invest the metropolis with the quaint Oriental aspect 
one dreams of when he reads books of Eastern 
travel. Constantinople makes a noble picture. 


80 The Innocents Abroad 

But its attractiveness begins and ends with its 
picturesqueness. From the time one starts ashore 
till he gets back again, he execrates it. The boat 
he goes in is admirably miscalculated for the service 
it is built for. It is handsomely and neatly fitted 
up, but no man could handle it well in the turbulent 
currents that sweep down the Bosporus from the 
Black Sea, and few men could row it satisfactorily 
even in still water. It is a long, light canoe (caique) , 
large at one end and tapering to a knife blade at the 
other. They make that long sharp end the bow, 
and you can imagine how these boiling currents spin 
it about. It has two oars, and sometimes four, and 
no rudder. You start to go to a given point and 
you run in fifty different directions before you get 
there. First one oar is backing water, and then the 
other; it is seldom that both are going ahead at 
once. This kind of boating is calculated to drive an 
impatient man mad in a week. The boatmen are 
the awkwardest, the stupidest, and the most unscien 
tific on earth, without question. 

Ashore, it was well, it was an eternal circus. 
People were thicker than bees, in those narrow 
streets, and the men were dressed in all the out 
rageous, outlandish, idolatrous, extravagant, thunder- 
and-lightning costumes that ever a tailor with the 
delirium tremens and seven devils could conceive of. 
There was no freak in dress too crazy to be indulged 
in ; no absurdity too absurd to be tolerated ; no 
frenzy in ragged diabolism too fantastic to be 

The Innocents Abroad 81 

attempted. No two men were dressed alike. It 
was a wild masquerade of all imaginable costumes 
every struggling throng in every street was a dis 
solving view of stunning contrasts. Some patriarchs 
wore awful turbans, but the grand mass of the infidel 
horde wore the fiery red skull-cap they call a fez. 
All the remainder of the raiment they indulged in 
was utterly indescribable. 

The shops here are mere coops, mere boxes, bath- 
ooms, closets any thing you please to call them 
on the first floor. The Turks sit cross-legged in 
them, and work and trade and smoke long pipes, 
and smell like like Turks. That covers the ground. 
Crowding the narrow streets in front of them are 
beggars, who beg forever, yet never collect anything; 
and wonderful cripples, distorted out of all semblance 
of humanity, almost ; vagabonds driving laden asses ; 
porters carrying drygoods boxes as large as cot 
tages on their backs; peddlers of grapes, hot corn, 
pumpkin seeds, and a hundred other things, yelling 
like fiends; and sleeping happily, comfortably, 
serenely, among the hurrying feet, are the famed 
dogs of Constantinople; drifting noiselessly about 
are squads of Turkish women, draped from chin to 
feet in flowing robes, and with snowy veils bound 
about their heads, that disclose only the eyes and a 
vague, shadowy notion of their features. Seen 
moving about, far away in the dim, arched aisles of 
the Great Bazaar, they look as the shrouded dead 
must have looked when they walked forth from their 

82 The Innocents Abroad 

graves amid the storms and thunders and earthquakes 
that burst upon Calvary that awful night of the 
Crucifixion. A street in Constantinople is a picture 
which one ought to see once not oftener. 

And then there was the goose-rancher a fellow 
who drove a hundred geese before him about the 
city, and tried to sell them. He had a pole ten feet 
long, with a crook in the end of it, and occasionally 
a goose would branch out from the flock and make 
a lively break around the corner, with wings half 
lifted and neck stretched to its utmost. Did the 
goose-merchant get excited? No. He took his 
pole and reached after that goose with unspeakable 
* an S froid took a hitch round his neck, and 
14 yanked " him back to his place in the flock with 
out an effort. He steered his geese with that stick 
as easily as another man would steer a yawl. A 
few hours afterward we saw him sitting on a stone at 
a corner, in the midst of the turmoil, sound asleep 
in the snn, with his geese squatting around him, or 
dodging out of the way of asses and men. We 
came by again, within the hour, and he was taking 
account of stock, to see whether any of his flock 
had strayed or been stolen. The way he did it was 
unique. He put the end of his stick within six or 
eight inches of a stone wall, and made the geese 
march in single file between it and the wall. He 
counted them as they went by. There was no 
dodging that arrangement. 

If you want dwarfs I mean just a few dwarfs 

The Innocents Abroad 83 

for a curiosity go to Genoa. If you wish to buy 
them by the gross, for retail, go to Milan. There 
are plenty of dwarfs all over Italy, but it did seem 
to me that in Milan the crop was luxuriant. If you 
would see a fair average style of assorted cripples, 
go to Naples, or travel through the Roman states. 
But if you would see the very heart and home of 
cripples and human monsters, both, go straight to 
Constantinople. A beggar in Naples who can show 
a foot which has all run into one horrible toe, with 
one shapeless nail on it, has a fortune but such 
an exhibition as that would not provoke any notice 
in Constantinople. The man would starve. Who 
would pay any attention to attractions like his among 
the rare monsters that throng the bridges of the 
Golden Horn and display their deformities in the 
gutters of Stamboul? Oh, wretched impostor! 
How could he stand against the three-legged woman, 
and the man with his eye in his cheek? How would 
he blush in presence of the man with fingers on his 
elbow? Where would he hide himself when the 
dwarf with seven fingers on each hand, no upper 
lip, and his under-jaw gone, came down in his 
majesty? Bismillah ! The cripples of Europe are 
a delusion and a fraud. The truly gifted flourish 
only in the by-ways of Pera and Stamboul. 

That three-legged woman lay on the bridge, with 
her stock in trade so disposed as to command the 
most striking effect one natural leg, and two long, 
slender, twisted ones with feet on them like some- 

84 The Innocents Abroad 

body else s forearm. Then there was a man further 
along who had no eyes, and whose face was the 
color of a fly-blown beefsteak, and wrinkled and 
twisted like a lava-flow and verily so tumbled and 
distorted were his features that no man could tell the 
wart that served him for a nose from his cheek 
bones. In Stamboul was a man with a prodigious 
head, an uncommonly long body, legs eight inches 
long, and feet like snow-shoes. He traveled on 
those feet and his hands, and was as sway-backed as 
if the Colossus of Rhodes had been riding him. 
Ah, a beggar has to have exceedingly good points 
to make a living in Constantinople. A blue-faced 
man, who had nothing to offer except that he had 
been blown up in a mine, would be regarded as a 
rank impostor, and a mere damaged soldier on 
crutches would never make a cent. It would pay 
him to get a piece of his head taken off, and culti 
vate a wen like a carpet sack. 

The Mosque of St. Sophia is the chief lion of 
Constantinople. You must get a firman and kurry 
there the first thing. We did that. We did not get 
a firman, but we took along four or five francs 
apiece, which is much the same thing. 

I do not think much of the Mosque of St. Sophia. 
I suppose I lack appreciation. We will let it go at 
that. It is the rustiest old barn in heathendom. I 
believe all the interest that attaches to it comes from 
the fact that it was built for a Christian church and 
then turned into a mosque, without much alteration, 

The Innocents Abroad 8S 

by the Mohammedan conquerors of the land. They 
made me take off my boots and walk into the place 
in my stocking feet. I caught cold, and got myself 
so stuck up with a complication of gums, slime, and 
general corruption, that I wore out more than two 
thousand pair of boot-jacks getting my boots off 
that night, and even then some Christian hide peeled 
off with them. I abate not a single boot-jack. 

St. Sophia is a colossal chuich, thirteen or four 
teen hundred years old, and unsightly enough to 
be very, very much older. Its immense dome is 
said to be more wonderful than St. Peter s, but its 
dirt is much more wonderful than its dome, though 
they never mention it. The church has a hundred 
and seventy pillars in it, each a single piece, and all 
of costly marbles of various kinds, but they came 
from ancient temples at Baalbcc, Heliopolis, Athens, 
and Ephesus, and are battered, ugly, and repulsive. 
They were a thousand years old when this church 
was new, and then the contrast must have been 
ghastly if Justinian s architects did not trim them 
any. The inside of the dome is figured all over with 
a monstrous inscription in Turkish characters, 
wrought in gold mosaic, that looks as glaring as a 
circus bill; the pavements and the marble balus 
trades are all battered and dirty ; the perspective is 
marred everywhere by a web of ropes that depend 
from the dizzy height of the dome, and suspend 
countless dingy, coarse oil lamps, and ostrich-eggs, 
six or seven feet above the floor. Squatting and 

86 The Innocents Abroad 

sitting in groups, here and there and far and near, 
were ragged Turks reading books, hearing sermons, 
or receiving lessons like children, and in fifty places 
were more of the same sort bowing and straightening 
up, bowing again and getting down to kiss the earth, 
muttering prayers the while, and keeping up their 
gymnastics till they ought to have been tired, if they 
were not. 

Everywhere was dirt and dust and dinginess and 
gloom; everywhere were signs of a hoary antiquity, 
but with nothing touching or beautiful about it ; 
everywhere were those groups of fantastic pagans ; 
overhead the gaudy mosaics and the web of lamp- 
ropes nowhere was there anything to win one s 
love or challenge his admiration. 

The people who go into ecstasies over St. Sophia 
must surely get them out of the guide-book (where 
every church is spoken of as being " considered by 
good judges to be the most marvelous structure, in 
many respects, that the world has ever seen"). 
Or else they are those old connoisseurs from the 
wilds of New Jersey who laboriously learn the 
difference between a fresco and a fire-plug, and 
from that day forward feel privileged to void their 
critical bathos on painting, sculpture, and architecture 

We visited the Dancing Dervishes. There were 
twenty-one of them. They wore a long, light- 
colored loose robe that hung to their heels. Each 
in his turn went up to the priest (they were all 

The innocents Abroad 87 

within a large circular railing) and bowed profoundly, 
and then went spinning away deliriously and took 
his appointed place in the circle, and continued to 
spin. When all had spun themselves to their places, 
they were about five or six feet apart and so situ 
ated, the entire circle of spinning pagans spun itself 
three separate times around the room. It took 
twenty-five minutes to do it. They spun on the 
left foot, and kept themselves going by passing the 
right rapidly before it and digging it against the 
waxed floor. Some of them made incredible 
44 time." Most of them spun around forty times in 
a minute, and one artist averaged about sixty-one 
cirnes a minute, and kept it up during the whole 
twenty-five. His robe filled with air and stood out 
all around him like a balloon. 

They made no noise of any kind, and most of 
them tilted their heads back and closed their eyes, 
entranced with a sort of devotional ecstasy. There 
was a rude kind of music, part of the time, but the 
musicians were not visible. None but spinners were 
allowed within the circle. A man had to either spin 
or stay outside. It was about as barbarous an ex 
hibition as we have witnessed yet. Then sick per 
sons came and lay down, and beside them women 
laid their sick children (one a babe at the breast), 
and the patriarch of the Dervishes walked upon 
their bodies. He was supposed to cure their dis 
eases by trampling upon their breasts or backs or 
standing on the back of their necks. This is well 

88 The Innocents Abroad 

enough for a people who think all their affairs 
are made or marred by viewless spirits of the 
air by giants, gnomes, and genii and who 
still believe, to this day, all the wild tales in the 
Arabian Nights. Even so an intelligent missionary 
tells me. 

We visited the Thousand and One Columns. I 
do not know what it was originally intended for, but 
they said it was built for a reservoir. It is situated 
in the center of Constantinople. You go down a 
flight of stone steps in the middle of a barren place, 
and there you are. You are forty feet underground, 
and in the midst of a perfect wilderness of tall, 
slender, granite columns, of Byzantine architecture. 
Stand where you would, or change your position as 
often as you pleased, you were always a center from 
which radiated a dozen long archways and colon 
nades that lost themselves in distance and the som 
ber twilight of the place. This old dried-up reser 
voir is occupied by a few ghostly silk-spinners now, 
and one of them showed me a cross cut high up in 
one of the pillars. I suppose he meant me to 
understand that the institution was there before the 
Turkish occupation, and I thought he made a re 
mark to that effect; but he must have had an im 
pediment in his speech, for I did not understand 

We took off our shoes and went into the marble 
mausoleum of the Sultan Mahmoud, the neatest 
piece of architecture, inside, that I have seen lately. 

The Innocents Abroad 89 

Mahmoud s tomb was covered with a black velvet 
pall, which was elaborately embroidered with silver; 
it stood within a fancy silver railing ; at the sides 
and corners were silver candlesticks that would 
weigh more than a hundred pounds, and they sup 
ported candles as large as a man s leg; on the top 
of the sarcophagus was a fez, with a handsome 
diamond ornament upon it, which an attendant said 
cost a hundred thousand pounds, and lied like a 
Turk when he said it. Mahmoud s whole family 
were comfortably planted around him. 

We went to the Great Bazaar in Stamboul, of 
course, and I shall not describe it further than to 
say it is a monstrous hive of little shops thou 
sands, I should say all under one roof, and cut 
up into innumerable little blocks by narrow streets 
which are arched overhead. One street is devoted 
to a particular kind of merchandise, another to 
another, and so on. When you wish to buy a pair 
of shoes you have the swing of the whole street 
you do not have to walk yourself down hunting 
stores in different localities. It is the same with 
silks, antiquities, shawls, etc. The place is crowded 
with people all the time, and as the gay-colored 
Eastern fabrics are lavishly displayed before every 
shop, the Great Bazaar of Stamboul is one of the 
sights that are worth seeing. It is full of life, and 
stir, and business, dirt, beggars, asses, yelling ped 
dlers, porters, dervishes, high-born Turkish female 
shoppers, Greeks, and weird-looking and weirdly- 

90 The Innocents Abroad 

dressed Mohammedans from the mountains and the 
far provinces and the only solitary tiling one does 
not smell when he is in the Great Bazaar, is some 
thing which smells good. 


MOSQUES are plenty, churches are plenty, grave 
yards are plenty, but morals and whisky arc 
scarce. The Koran does not permit Mohammedans 
to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit 
them to be moral. 1 hey say the Sultan has eight 
hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy. 
It makes our cheeks burn with shame to see such a 
thing permitted here in Turkey. We do not mind 
it so much in Salt Lake, however. 

Circassian and Georgian girls are still sold In Con* 
stantinople by their parents, but not publicly. The 
great slave marts we have all read so much about -~ 
where tender young girls were stripped for inspec 
tion, and criticised and discussed just as if they were 
horses at an agricultural fair no longer exist. 
The exhibition and the sales are private now. 
Stocks are up, just at present, partly because of a 
brisk demand created by the recent return of the 
Sultan s suite from the courts of Europe; partly on 
account of an unusual abundance of breadstuffs, 
which leaves holders untortured by hunger and 
enables them to hold back for high prices; and 

92 The Innocents Abroad 

partly because buyers are too weak to bear the 
market, while sellers are amply prepared to bull it. 
Under these circumstances, if the American metro 
politan newspapers were published here in Constan 
tinople, their next commercial report would read 
about as follows, I suppose: 


" Best brands Circassians, crop of 1850, 200; 1852, .250; 1854, 
300. Best brands Georgian, none in market; second quality, 1851, 
180. Nineteen fair to middling \ValJachian girls offered at ,130 (ft 
150, but no takers; sixteen prime A I sold in small lots to close out 
terms private. 

" Sales of one lot Circassians, prime to good, 1852 to 1854, at ^240 
^ 242$, buyer 30; one forty-niner damaged at 23, seller ten, no 
deposit. Several Georgians, fancy brands, 1852, changed hands to fill 
orders. The Georgians now on hand are mostly last year s crop, which 
was unusually poor. The new crop is a little backward, but will be 
coming in shortly. As regards its quantity and quality, the accounts are 
Inost encouraging. In this connection we can safely say, also, that the 
new crop of Circassians is looking extremely well. His Majesty the 
Sultan has already sent in large orders for his new harem, which will 
be finished within a fortnight, and this has naturally strengthened the 
market and given Grcassian stock a strong upward tendency. Taking 
advantage of the inflated market, many of our shrewdest operators are 
Selling short. There are hints of a corner on Wallachians. 

" There is nothing new in Nubians. Slow sale. 

4 Eunuchs none offering; however, large cargoes are expected 
from Egypt to-day." 

I think the above would be about the style of the 
commercial report. Prices are pretty high now, and 
holders firm; but, two or three years ago, parents 
in a starving condition brought their young daugh 
ters down here and sold them for even twenty and 
thirty dollars, when they could do no better, simply 

The Innocents Abroad 9) 

to save themselves and the girls from dying of want. 
It is sad to think of so distressing a thing as this, 
and I for one am sincerely glad the prices are up 

Commercial morals, especially, are bad. There 
is no gainsaying that. Greek, Turkish, and Arme 
nian morals consist only in attending church regu 
larly on the appointed Sabbaths, and in breaking 
the ten commandments all the balance of the week. 
It comes natural to them to lie and cheat in the first 
place, and then they go on and improve on nature 
until they arrive at perfection. In recommending 
his son to a merchant as a valuable salesman, a 
father does not say he is a nice, moral, upright boy, 
and goes to Sunday-school and is honest, but he 
says, " This boy is worth his weight in broad pieces 
of a hundred for behold, he will cheat whomsoever 
hath dealings with him, and from the Euxine to the 
waters of Marmora there abideth not so gifted a 
liar!" How is that for a recommendation? The 
missionaries tell me that they hear encomiums like 
that passed upon people every day. They say of a 
person they admire, " Ah, he is a charming swindler, 
and a most exquisite liar!" 

Everybody lies and cheats everybody who is in 
business, at any rate. Even foreigners soon have 
to come down to the custom of the country, and 
they do not buy and sell long in Constantinople till 
they lie and cheat like a Greek. I say like a Greek, 
because the Greeks are called the worst transgressors 

94 The Innocents Abroad 

in this line. Several Americans, long resident in 
Constantinople, contend that most Turks are pretty 
trustworthy, but few claim that the Greeks have any 
virtues that a man can discover at least without a 
fire assay. 

I am half willing to believe that the celebrated dogs 
of Constantinople have been misrepresented slan 
dered. I have always been led to suppose that they 
were so thick in the streets that they blocked the 
way; that they moved about in organized com 
panies, platoons, and regiments, and took what they 
wanted by determined and ferocious assault; and 
that at night they drowned all other sounds with 
their terrible howlings. The dogs I see here cannot 
be those I have read of. 

I find them everywhere, but not in strong force. 
The most I have found together has been about ten 
or twenty. And night or day a fair proportion of 
them were sound asleep. Those that were not asleep 
always looked as if they wanted to be. I never saw 
such utterly wretched, starving, sad-visaged, broken 
hearted looking curs in my life. It seemed a grim 
satire to accuse such brutes as these of taking things 
by force of arms. They hardly seemed to have 
strength enough or ambition enough to walk across 
the street I do not know that I have seen one walk 
that far yet. They are mangy and bruised and muti 
lated, and often you see one with the hair singed off 
him in such wide and well-defined tracts that he looks 
like a map of the new Territories. They are the sor- 

The Innocents Abroad 95 

riest beasts that breathe the most abject the 
most pitiful. In their faces is a settled expression 
of melancholy, an air of hopeless despondency. 
The hairless patches on a scalded dog are preferred 
by the fleas of Constantinople to a wider range on a 
healthier dog; and the exposed places suit the fleas 
exactly. I saw a dog of this kind start to nibble at 
a flea a fly attracted his attention, and he made a 
snatch at him ; the flea called for him once more, 
and that forever unsettled him; he looked sadly at 
his flea-pasture, then sadly looked at his bald spot. 
Then he heaved a sigh and dropped his head re 
signedly upon his paws. He was not equal to the 

The dogs sleep in the streets, all over the city. 
From one end of the street to the other, I suppose 
they will average about eight or ten to a block. 
Sometimes, of course, there are fifteen or twenty to 
a block. They do not belong to anybody, and they 
seem to have no close personal friendships among 
each other. But they district the city themselves, 
and the dogs of each district, whether it be half a 
block in extent, or ten blocks, have to remain within 
its bounds. Woe to a dog if he crosses the line ! 
His neighbors would snatch the balance of his hair 
off in a second. So it is said. But they don t 
look it. 

They sleep in the streets these days. They are my 
compass my guide. When I see the dogs sleep 
placidly on, while men, sheep, geese, and all moving 

96 The Innocents Abroad 

things turn out and go around them, I know I am 
not in the great street where the hotel is, and must 
go further. In the Grand Rue the dogs have a sort 
of air of being on the lookout an air born of being 
obliged to get out of the way of many carriages 
every day and that expression one recognizes in a 
moment. It does not exist upon the face of any 
dog without the confines of that street. All others 
sleep placidly and keep no watch. They would not 
move, though the Sultan himself passed by. 

In one narrow street (but none of them are wide) 
I saw three dogs lying coiled up, about a foot or two 
apart. End to end they lay, and so they just bridged 
the street neatly, from gutter to gutter. A drove ot 
a hundred sheep came along. They stepped right 
over the dogs, the rear crowding the front, impatient 
to get on. The dogs looked lazily up, flinched a 
little when the impatient feet of the sheep touched 
their raw backs sighed, and lay peacefully down 
again. No talk could be plainer than that. So 
some of the sheep jumped over them and others 
scrambled between, occasionally chipping a leg with 
their sharp hoofs, and when the whole flock had 
made the trip, the dogs sneezed a little, in the cloud 
of dust, but never budged their bodies an inch. I 
thought I was lazy, but I am a steam engine com 
pared to a Constantinople dog. But was not that a 
singular scene for a city of a million inhabitants? 

These dogs are the scavengers of the city. Thai 
is their official position, and a hard one it is. How- 

The Innocents Abroad 97 

ever, it is their protection. But for their usefulness 
in partially cleansing these terrible streets, they 
would not be tolerated long. They eat anything and 
everything that comes in their way, from melon 
rinds and spoiled grapes up through all the grades 
and species of dirt and refuse to their own dead 
friends and relatives and yet they are always lean, 
always hungry, always despondent. The people 
are loth to kill them do not kill them, in fact. 
The Turks have an innate antipathy to taking the life 
of any dumb animal, it is said. But they do worse. 
They hang and kick and stone and scald these 
wretched creatures to the very verge of death, and 
then leave them to live and suffer. 

Once a Sultan proposed to kill off all the dogs 
here, and did begin the work but the populace 
raised such a howl of horror about it that the mas 
sacre was stayed. After a while, he proposed to re 
move them all to an island in the Sea of Marmora. 
No objection was offered, and a ship-load or so was 
taken away. But when it came to be known that 
somehow or other the dogs never got to the island, 
but always fell overboard in the night and perished, 
another howl was raised and the transportation 
scheme was dropped. 

So the dogs remain in peaceable possession of the 
streets. I do not say that they do not howl at night, 
nor that they do not attack people who have not a 
red fez on their heads. I only say that it would be 
mean for me to accuse them of these unseemly 

98 The Innocents Abroad 

things who have not seen them do them with my own 
eyes or heard them with my own ears. 

I was a little surprised to see Turks and Greeks 
playing newsboy right here in the mysterious land 
where the giants and genii of the Arabian Nights 
once dwelt where winged horses and hydra-headed 
dragons guarded enchanted castles where Princes 
and Princesses flew through the air on carpets that 
obeyed a mystic talisman where cities whose 
houses were made of precious stones sprang up in a 
night under the hand of the magician, and where 
busy marts were suddenly stricken with a spell and 
each citizen lay or sat, or stood with weapon raised 
or foot advanced, just as he was, speechless and 
motionless, till time had told a hundred years ! 

It was curious to see newsboys selling papers in so 
dreamy a land as that. And, to say truly, it is com 
paratively a new thing here. The selling of news 
papers had its birth in Constantinople about a year 
ago, and was a child of the Prussian and Austrian 

There is one paper published here in the English 
language The Levant Herald and there are gen 
erally a number of Greek and a few French papers 
rising and falling, struggling up and falling again. 
Newspapers are not popular with the Sultan s Gov 
ernment. They do not understand journalism. The 
proverb says, " The unknown is always great." To 
the court, the newspaper is a mysterious and rascally 
institution. They know what a pestilence is, because 

The Innocents Abroad 99 

they have one occasionally that thins the people out 
at the rate of two thousand a day, and they regard a 
newspaper as a mild form of pestilence. When it 
goes astray, they suppress it pounce upon it with 
out warning, and throttle it. When it don t go 
astray for a long time, they get suspicious and 
throttle it anyhow, because they think it is hatching 
deviltry. Imagine the Grand Vizier in solemn coun 
cil with the magnates of the realm, spelling his way 
through the hated newspaper, and finally delivering 
his profound decision: "This thing means mischief 
it is too darkly, too suspiciously inoffensive 
suppress it! Warn the publisher that we cannot 
have this sort of thing: put the editor in prison! " 
The newspaper business has its inconveniences in 
Constantinople. Two Greek papers and one French 
one were suppressed here within a few days of each 
other. No victories of the Cretans are allowed to be 
printed. From time to time the Grand Vizier sends 
a notice to the various editors that the Cretan insur 
rection is entirely suppressed, and although that 
editor knows better, he still has to print the notice. 
The Levant Herald is too fond of speaking praise- 
fully of Americans to be popular with the Sultan, 
who does not relish our sympathy with the Cretans, 
and therefore that paper has to be particularly cir 
cumspect in order to keep out of trouble. Once the 
editor, forgetting the official notice in his paper that 
the Cretans were crushed out, printed a letter of a 
very different tenor, from the American Consul in 

100 The Innocents Abroad 

Crete, and was fined two hundred and fifty dollars 
for it. Shortly he printed another from the same 
source and was imprisoned three months for his 
pains. I think I could get the assistant editorship 
of the Levant Herald, but I am going to try to 
worry along without it. 

To suppress a paper here involves the ruin of the 
publisher, almost. But in Naples I think they specu 
late on misfortunes of that kind. Papers are sup 
pressed there every day, and spring up the next day 
tinder a new name. During the ten days or a fort 
night we stayed there one paper was murdered and 
resurrected twice. The newsboys are smart there, 
just as they are elsewhere. They take advantage of 
popular weaknesses. When they find they are not 
likely to sell out, they approach a citizen mysteri 
ously, and say in a low voice * Last copy, sir: 
double price; paper just been suppressed! " The 
man buys it, of course, and finds nothing in it. 
They do say I do not vouch for it but they do 
say that men sometimes print a vast edition of a 
paper, with a ferociously seditious article in it, dis 
tribute it quickly among the newsboys, and clear out 
till the Government s indignation cools. It pays 
well. Confiscation don t amount to anything. The 
type and presses are not worth taking care of. 

There is only one English newspaper in Naples. It 
has seventy subscribers. The publisher is getting 
rich very deliberately very deliberately indeed. 

I shall never want another Turkish lunch. The 

The Innocents AbroaJ .101 

cooking apparatus was in a little lunch-room, near 
the bazaar, and it was all open to the street. The 
cook was slovenly, and so was the table, and it had 
no cloth on it. The fellow took a mass of sausage- 
meat and coated it round a wire and laid it on a 
charcoal fire to cook. When it was done, he laid it 
aside* and a dog walked sadly in and nipped it. He 
smelt it first, and probably recognized the remains of 
a friend. The cook took it away from him and laid 
it before us. Jack said, "I pass" he plays 
euchre sometimes and we all passed in turn. Then 
the cook baked a broad, flat, wheaten cake, greased 
it well with the sausage, and started towards us with it. 
It dropped in the dirt, and he picked it up and pol 
ished it on his breeches, and laid it before us. Jack 
said, I pass." We all passed. He put some eggs 
in a frying-pan, and stood pensively prying slabs of 
meat from between his teeth with a fork. Then he 
used the fork to turn the eggs with and brought 
them along. Jack said * Pass again." All followed 
suit. We did not know what to do, and so we ordered 
a new ration of sausage. The cook got out his 
wire, apportioned a proper amount of sausage-meat, 
spat on his hands, and fell to work ! This time, 
with one accord, we all passed out. We paid and 
left. That is all I learned about Turkish lunches. 
A Turkish lunch is good, no doubt, but it has its 
little drawbacks. 

When I think how I have been swindled by books 
of Oriental travel, I want a tourist for breakfast. For 

402 The Innocents Abroad 

years and years I have dreamed of the wonders of 
the Turkish bath ; for years and years I have prom 
ised myself that I would yet enjoy one. Many and 
many a time, in fancy, I have lain in the marble 
bath, and breathed the slumbrous fragrance of East 
ern spices that filled the air; then passed through a 
Weird and complicated system of pulling and haul 
ing and drenching and scrubbing, by a gang of 
naked savages who loomed vast and vaguely through 
the steaming mists, like demons; then rested for 
a while on a divan fit for a king; then passed through 
another complex ordeal, and one more fearful than 
the first; and, finally, swathed in soft fabrics, been 
conveyed to a princely saloon and laid on a bed of 
eiderdown, where eunuchs, gorgeous of costume, 
fanned me while I drowsed and dreamed, or content 
edly gazed at the rich hangings of the apartment, the 
soft carpets, the sumptuous furniture, the pictures, 
and drank delicious coffee, smoked the soothing 
narghili, and dropped, at the last, into tranquil re 
pose, lulled by sensuous odors from unseen censers, 
by the gentle influence of the narghili s Persian 
tobacco, and by the music of fountains that counter 
feited the pattering of summer rain. 

That was the picture, just as I got it from incen- 
jiary books of travel. It was a poor, miserable im- 
itosture. The reality is no more like it than the Five 
Joints are like the Garden of Eden. They received 
n; in a great court, paved with marble slabs; around 
it were broad galleries, one above another, carpeted 

The Innocents Abroad 103 

with seedy matting, railed with unpainted balus 
trades, and furnished with huge rickety chairs, cush 
ioned with rusty old mattresses, indented with im 
pressions left by the forms of nine successive gener 
ations of men who had reposed upon them. The 
place was vast, naked, dreary; its court a barn, its 
galleries stalls for human horses. The cadaverous, 
half-nude varlets that served in the establishment had 
nothing of poetry in their appearance, nothing of 
romance, nothing of Oriental splendor. They shed 
no entrancing odors just the contrary. Their 
hungry eyes and their lank forms continually sug 
gested one glaring, unsentimental fact they wanted 
what they term in California " a square meal." 

I went into one of the racks and undressed. An 
unclean starveling wrapped a gaudy tablecloth about 
his loins, and hung a white rag over my shoulders. 
If I had had a tub then, it would have come natural 
to me to take in washing. I was then conducted 
down stairs into the wet, slippery court, and the first 
things that attracted my attention were my heels. 
My fall excited no comment. They expected it, no 
doubt. It belonged in the list of softening, sensuous 
influences peculiar to this home of Eastern luxury. 
It was softening enough, certainly, but its application 
was not happy. They now gave me a pair of 
wooden clogs benches in miniature, with leather 
straps over them to confine my feet (which they 
would have done, only I do not wear No. 135). 
These things dangled uncomfortably by the straps 

104 The Innocents Abroad 

when I lifted up my feet, and came down in awkward 
and unexpected places when I put them on the floor 
again, and sometimes turned sideways and wrenched 
my ankles out of joint. However, it was all Oriental 
luxury, and I did what I could to enjoy it. 

They put me in another part of the barn and laid 
me on a stuffy sort of pallet, which was not made of 
cloth of gold, or Persian shawls, but was merely the 
unpretending sort of thing I have seen in the negro 
quarters of Arkansas. There was nothing whatever 
in this dim marble prison but five more of these 
biers. It was a very solemn place. I expected that 
the spiced odors of Araby were going to steal over 
my senses now, but they did not. A copper-colored 
skeleton, with a rag around him, brought me a glass 
decanter of water, with a lighted tobacco pipe in the 
top of it, and a pliant stem a yard long, with a brass 
mouth-piece to it. 

It was the famous " narghili " of the East the 
thing the Grand Turk smokes in the pictures. This 
began to look like luxury. I took one blast at it, 
and it was sufficient; the smoke went in a great vol 
ume down into my stomach, my lungs, even into the 
uttermost parts of my frame. I exploded one mighty 
cough, and it was as if Vesuvius had let go. For the 
next five minutes I smoked at every pore, like a 
frame house that is on fire on the inside. Not any 
more narghili for me. The smoke had a vile taste, 
and the taste of a thousand infidel tongues that re 
mained on that brass mouthpiece was viler still. I 

The Innocents Abroad 105 

was getting discouraged. Whenever, hereafter, I see 
the cross-legged Grand Turk smoking his narghili, 
in pretended bliss, on the outside of a paper of Con 
necticut tobacco, I shall know him for the shameless 
humbug he is. 

This prison was filled with hot air. When I had 
got warmed up sufficiently to prepare me for a still 
warmer temperature, they took me where it was 
into a marble room, wet, slippery, and steamy, and 
laid me out on a raised platform in the center. It 
was very warm. Presently my man sat me down 
by a tank of hot water, drenched me well, gloved his 
hand with a coarse mitten, and began to polish me 
all over with it. I began to smell disagreeably. 
The more he polished the worse I smelt. It was 
alarming. I said to him: 

" I perceive that I am pretty far gone. It is 
plain that I ought to be buried without any unnec 
essary delay. Perhaps you had better go after my 
friends at once, because the weather is warm, and 
I cannot keep long." 

He went on scrubbing, and paid no attention. I 
soon saw that he was reducing my size. He bore 
hard on his mitten, and from under it rolled little 
cylinders, like macaroni. It could not be dirt, for 
it was too white. He pared me down in this way 
for a long time. Finally I said : 

* It is a tedious process. It will take hours to 
trim me to the size you want me; I will wait; go 
and borrow a jack-plane." 

106 The Innocents Abroad 

He paid no attention at all. 

After a while he brought a basin, some soap, and 
something that seemed to be the tail of a horse. He 
made up a prodigious quantity of soapsuds, deluged 
me with them from head to foot, without warning 
me to shut my eyes, and then swabbed me viciously 
with the horse-tail. Then he left me there, a snowy 
statue of lather, and went away. When I got tired 
of waiting I went and hunted him up. He was 
propped against the wall, in another room, asleep. 
I woke him. He was not disconcerted. He took me 
back and flooded me with hot water, then turbaned 
my head, swathed me with dry tablecloths, and con 
ducted me to a latticed chicken-coop in one of the 
galleries, and pointed to one of those Arkansas beds. 
I mounted it, and vaguely expected the odors of 
Araby again. They did not come. 

The blank, unornamented coop had nothing about 
it of that oriental voluptuousness one reads of so 
much. It was more suggestive of the county hospi 
tal than anything else. The skinny servitor brought 
a narghili, and I got him to take it out again without 
wasting any time about it. Then he brought the 
world-renowned Turkish coffee that poets have sung 
BO rapturously for many generations, and I seized 
upon it as the last hope that was left of my old 
dreams of Eastern luxury. It was another fraud. 
Of all the unchristian beverages that ever passed my 
lips, Turkish coffee is the worst. The cup is small, 
it is smeared with grounds; the coffee is black, thick, 

The Innocents Abroad 107 

unsavory of smell, and execrable in taste. The bot 
tom of the cup has a muddy sediment in it half an 
inch deep. This goes down your throat, and por 
tions of it lodge by the way, and produce a tickling 
aggravation that keeps you barking and coughing for 
an hour. 

Here endeth my experience of the celebrated Turk 
ish bath, and here also endeth my dream of the bliss 
the mortal revels in who passes through it. It is a 
malignant swindle. The man who enjoys it is quali 
fied to enjoy anything that is repulsive to sight or 
sense, and he that can invest it with a charm of 
poetry is able to do the same with anything else in 
the world that is tedious, and wretched, and dismal, 
and nasty. 


\V IE left a dozen passengers in Constantinople, and 
W sailed through the beautiful Bosporus and far 
up into the Black Sea. We left them in the clutches 
of the celebrated Turkish guide, 4 * FAR-AWAY 
MOSES, * who will seduce them into buying a 
shipload of ottar of roses, splendid Turkish vest 
ments, and all manner of curious things they can 
never have any use for. Murray s invaluable guide 
books have mentioned Far-away Moses* name, and 
he is a made man. He rejoices daily in the fact 
that he is a recognized celebrity. However, we can 
not alter our established customs to please the whims 
of guides; we cannot show partialities this late in 
the day. Therefore, ignoring this fellow s brilliant 
fame, and ignoring the fanciful name he takes such 
pride in, we called him Ferguson, just as we had 
done with all other guides. It has kept him in a 
state of smothered exasperation all the time. Yet 
we meant him no harm. After he has gotten him 
self up regardless of expense, in showy, baggy 
trowsers, yellow, pointed slippers, fiery fez, silken 
jacket of blue, voluminous waist-sash of fancy 


The Innocents Abroad 109 

Persian stuff filled with a battery of silver-mounted 
horse-pistols, and has strapped on his terrible 
scimeter, he considers it an unspeakable humiliation 
to be called Ferguson. It cannot be helped. All 
guides are Ferguson to us. We cannot master their 
dreadful foreign names. 

Sebastopol is probably the worst battered town in 
Russia or anywhere else. But we ought to be 
pleased with it, nevertheless, for we have been in no 
country yet where we have been so kindly received, 
and where we felt that to be Americans was a suffi 
cient vist for our passports. The moment the anchor 
was down, the Governor of the town immediately 
dispatched an officer on board to inquire if he could 
be of any assistance to us, and to invite us to make 
ourselves at home in Sebastopol ! If you know 
Russia, you know that this was a wild stretch of 
hospitality. They are usually so suspicious of stran 
gers that they worry them excessively with the delays 
and aggravations incident to a complicated passport 
system. Had we come from any other country we 
could not have had permission to enter Sebastopol 
and leave again under three days but as it was, we 
were at liberty to go and come when and where we 
pleased. Everybody in Constantinople warned us to 
be very careful about our passports, see that they 
were strictly en regie , and never to mislay them for a 
moment : and they told us of numerous instances of 
Englishmen and others who were delayed days, 
weeks, and even months, in Sebastopol, on account 

110 The Innocents Abroad 

of trifling informalities in their passports, and for 
which they were not to blame. I had lost my pass 
port, and was traveling under my room-mate s, who 
stayed behind in Constantinople to await our return. 
To read the description of him in that passport and 
then look at me, any man could see that I was no 
more like him than I am like Hercules. So I went 
into the harbor of Sebastopol with fear and trem 
bling full of a vague, horrible apprehension that I 
was going to be found out and hanged. But all that 
time my true passport had been floating gallantly 
overhead and behold it was only our flag. They 
never asked us for any other. 

We have had a great many Russian and English 
gentlemen and ladies on board to-day, and the time 
has passed cheerfully away. They were all happy- 
spirited people, and I never heard our mother tongue 
sound so pleasantly as it did when it fell from those 
English lips in this far-off land. I talked to the 
Russians a good deal, just to be friendly, and they 
talked to me from the same motive ; I am sure that 
both enjoyed the conversation, but never a word of 
it either of us understood. I did most of my talk 
ing to those English people though, and I am sorry 
we cannot carry some of them along with us. 

We have gone whithersoever we chose, to-day, 
and have met with nothing but the kindest atten 
tions. Nobody inquired whether we had any pass 
ports or not. 

Several of the officers of the government have 

The Innocents Abroad ill 

suggested that we take the ship to a little watering- 
place thirty miles from here, and pay the Emperor 
of Russia a visit. He is rusticating there. These 
officers said they would take it upon themselves to 
insure us a cordial reception. They said if we 
would go, they would not only telegraph the Em 
peror, but send a special courier overland to an 
nounce our coming. Our time is so short, though, 
and more especially our coal is so nearly out, that 
we judged it best to forego the rare pleasure of hold 
ing social intercourse with an Emperor. 

Ruined Pompeii is in good condition compared to 
Sebastopol. Here, you may look in whatsoever 
direction you please, and your eye encounters 
scarcely anything but ruin, ruin, ruin! fragments 
of houses, crumbled walls, torn and ragged hills, 
devastation everywhere ! It is as if a mighty earth 
quake had spent all its terrible forces upon this one 
little spot. For eighteen long months the storms of 
war beat upon the helpless town, and left it at last 
the saddest wreck that ever the sun has looked 
upon. Not ont solitary house escaped unscathed 
not one remained habitable, even. Such utter and 
complete ruin one could hardly conceive of. The 
houses had all been solid, dressed-stone structures; 
most of them were plowed through and through by 
cannon-balls unroofed and sliced down from eaves 
to foundation and now a row of them, half a mile 
long, looks merely like an endless procession of 
b ittcrcd chimneys. No semblance of a house re- 


112 The Innocents Abroad 

mains in such as these. Some of the larger build 
ings had corners knocked off; pillars cut in two; 
cornices smashed ; holes driven straight through the 
walls. Many of these holes are as round and as 
cleanly cut as if they had been made with an auger. 
Others are half pierced through, and the clean im 
pression is there in the rock, as smooth and as 
shapely as if it were done in putty. Here and there 
a ball still sticks in a wall, and from it iron tears 
trickle down and discolor the stone. 

The battle-fields were pretty close together. The 
Malakoff tower is on a hill which is right in the edge 
of the town. The Redan was within rifle-shot of 
the Malakoff; Inkerman was a mile away; and 
Balaklava removed but an hour s ride. The French 
trenches, by which they approached and invested 
the Malakoff, were carried so close under its sloping 
sides that one might have stood by the Russian guns 
and tossed a stone into them. Repeatedly, during 
three terrible days, they swarmed up the little 
Malakoff hill, and were beaten back with terrible 
slaughter. Finally, they captured the place, and 
drove the Russians out, who then tried to retreat 
into the town, but the English had taken the Redan, 
and shut them off with a wall of flame ; there was 
nothing for them to do but go back and retake the 
Malakoff or die under its guns. They did go back; 
they took the Malakoff and retook it two or three 
times, but their desperate valor could not avail, and 
they had to give up at last. 

The Innocents Abroad 11} 

These fearful fields, where such tempests of death 
used to rage, are peaceful enough now; no sound is 
heard, hardly a living thing moves about them, they 
are lonely and silent their desolation is complete. 

There was nothing else to do, and so everybody 
went to hunting relics. They have stocked the ship 
with them. They brought them from the Malakoff, 
from the Redan, Inkerman, Balaklava everywhere. 
They have brought cannon-balls, broken ramrods, 
fragments of shell iron enough to freight a sloop. 
Some have even brought bones brought them 
laboriously from great distances, and were grieved 
to hear the surgeon pronounce them only bones of 
mules and oxen. I knew Blucher would not lose an 
opportunity like this. He brought a sack full on 
board and was going for another. I prevailed upon 
him not to go. He has already turned his state 
room into a museum of worthless trumpery, which 
he has gathered up in his travels. He is labeling 
his trophies, now. I picked up one a while ago, and 
found it marked " Fragment of a Russian General." 
I carried it out to get a better light upon it it was 
nothing but a couple of teeth and part of the jaw 
bone of a horse. I said with some asperity: 

"Fragment of a Russian General ! This is ab 
surd. Are you never going to learn any sense?" 

He only said: " Go slow the old woman won t 
know any different." [His aunt.] 

This person gathers mementoes with a perfect 
recklessness, nowadays; mixes them all up together, 

114 The Innocents Abroad 

and then serenely labels them without any regard to 
truth, propriety, or even plausibility. I have found 
him breaking a stone in two, and labeling half of it 
14 Chunk busted from the pulpit of Demosthenes," 
and the other half " Darnick from the Tomb of 
Abelard and Heloise." I have known him to gather 
up a handful of pebbles by the roadside, and bring 
them on board ship and label them as coming from 
twenty celebrated localities five hundred miles apart. 
I remonstrate against these outrages upon reason 
and truth, of course, but it does no good. I get the 
same tranquil, unanswerable reply every time: 

14 It don t signify the old woman won t know 
any different." 

Ever since we three or four fortunate ones made 
the midnight trip to Athens, it has afforded him 
genuine satisfaction to give everybody in the ship a 
pebble from the Mars Hill where St. Paul preached. 
He got all those pebbles on the seashore, abreast 
the ship, but professes to have gathered them from 
one of our party. However, it is not of any use for 
me to expose the deception it affords him pleas 
ure, and does no harm to anybody. He says he 
never expects to run out of mementoes of St. Paul 
as long as he is in reach of a sand bank. Well, he 
is no worse than others. I notice that all travelers 
supply deficiencies in their collections in the same 
way. I shall never have any confidence in such 
things again while I live. 


WE have got so far East now a hundred and 
fifty-five degrees of longitude from San Fran 
cisco that my watch cannot ** keep the hang" of 
the time any more. It has grown discouraged, and 
stopped. I think it did a wise thing. The differ 
ence in time between Sebastopol and the Pacific 
coast is enormous. When it is six o clock in the 
morning here, it is somewhere about week before 
last in California. We are excusable for getting a 
little tangled as to time. These distractions and dis 
tresses about the time have worried me so much that 
I was afraid my mind was so much affected that I 
never would have any appreciation of time again ; 
but when I noticed how handy I was yet about 
comprehending when it was dinner-time, a blessed 
tranquillity settled down upon me, and I am tortured 
with doubts and fears no more. 

Odessa is about twenty hours run from Sebas 
topol, and is the most northerly port in the Black 
Sea. We came here to get coal, principally. The 
city has a population of one hundred and thirty-three 
thousand, and is growing faster than any other small 

H" (US) 

116 The Innocents Abroad 

city out of America. It is a free port, and is the 
great grain mart of this particular part of the world. 
Its roadstead is full of ships. Engineers are at 
work, now, turning the open roadstead into a 
spacious artificial harbor. It is to be almost in 
closed by massive stone piers, one of which will 
extend into the sea over three thousand feet in a 
straight line. 

I have not felt so much at home for a long time 
as I did when I "raised the hill" and stood in 
Odessa for the first time. It looked just like an 
American city; fine, broad streets, and straight as 
well ; low houses (two or three stories), wide, neat, 
and free from any quaintness of architectural orna 
mentation ; locust trees bordering the sidewalks 
(they call them acacias) ; a stirring, business-look 
about the streets and the stores ; fast walkers ; a 
familiar new look about the houses and everything ; 
yea, and a driving and smothering cloud of dust that 
was so like a message from our own dear native 
land that we could hardly refrain from shedding a 
few grateful tears and execrations in the old time- 
honored American way. Look up the street or 
down the street, this way or that way, we saw only 
America ! There was not one thing to remind us 
that we were in Russia. We walked for some little 
distance, reveling in this home vision, and then we 
came upon a church and a hack-driver, and presto! 
the illusion vanished ! The church had a slender- 
spired dome that rounded inward at its base, and 

The Innocents Abroad 117 

looked like a turnip turned upside down, and the 
hackman seemed to be dressed in a long petticoat 
without any hoops. These things were essentially 
foreign, and so were the carriages but everybody 
knows about these things, and there is no occasion 
for my describing them. 

We were only to stay here a day and a night and 
take in coal ; we consulted the guide-books and were 
rejoiced to know that there were no sights in Odessa 
to see; and so we had one good, untrammelcd 
holiday on our hands, with nothing to do but idle 
about the city and enjoy ourselves. We sauntered 
through the markets and criticised the fearful and 
wonderful costumes from the back country; exam 
ined the populace as far as eyes could do it; and 
closed the entertainment with an ice-cream debauch. 
We do not get ice-cream everywhere, and so, when 
we do, we are apt to dissipate to excess. We 
never cared anything about ice-cream at home, but 
we look upon it with a sort of idolatry now that it is 
so scarce in these red-hot climates of the East. 

We only found two pieces of statuary, and this 
was another blessing. One was a bronze image of 
the Due dc Richelieu, grandnephew of the splendid 
Cardinal. It stood in a spacious, handsome prom 
enade, overlooking the sea, and from its base a vast 
flight of stone steps led down to the harbor two 
hundred of them, fifty feet long, and a wide landing 
at the bottom of every twenty. It is a noble stair 
case, and from a distance the people toiling up it 

118 The Innocents Abroad 

looked like insects. I mention this statue and this 
stairway because they have their story. Richelieu 
founded Odessa watched over it with paternal 
care labored with a fertile brain and a wise under 
standing for its best interests spent his fortune 
freely to the same end endowed it with a sound 
prosperity, and one which will yet make it one of 
the great cities of the Old World built this noble 
stairway with money from his own private purse 

and Well, the people for whom he had done 

so much let him walk down these same steps, one 
day, unattended, old, poor, without a second coat 
to his back; and when, years afterward, he died in 
Sebastopol in poverty and neglect, they called a 
meeting, subscribed liberally, and immediately 
erected this tasteful monument to his memory, and 
named a great street after him. It reminds me of 
what Robert Burns mother said when they erected 
a stately monument to his memory: ** Ah, Robbie, 
ye asked them for bread and they hae gi en ye a 

The people of Odessa have warmly recommended 
us to go and call on the Emperor, as did the Scbas- 
topolians. They have telegraphed his Majesty, and 
he has signified his willingness to grant us an audi 
ence. So we are getting up the anchors and pre 
paring to sail to his watering-place. What a scratch 
ing around there will be now! what a holding of 
important meetings and appointing of solemn com 
mittees ! and what a furbishing up of claw-hammer 

The Innocents Abroad 119 

coats and white silk neckties ! As this fearful ordeal 
we are about to pass through pictures itself to my 
fancy in all its dread sublimity, I begin to feel my 
fierce desire to converse with a genuine Emperor 
cooling down and passing away. What am I to do 
with my hands? What am I to do with my feet? 
What in the world am I to do with myself? 


V V /E anchored here at Yalta, Russia, two or three 
W days ago. To me the place was a vision of 
the Sierras. The tall, gray mountains that back it, 
their sides bristling with pines cloven with ravines 
here and there a hoary rock towering into view 
long, straight streaks sweeping down from the sum 
mit to the sea, marking the passage of some ava 
lanche of former times all these were as like what 
one sees in the Sierras as if the one were a portrait 
of the other. The little village of Yalta nestles at 
the foot of an amphitheater which slopes backward 
and upward to the wall of hills, and looks as if it 
might have sunk quietly down to its present position 
Irom a higher elevation. This depression is covered 
with the great parks and gardens of noblemen, and 
through the mass of green foliage the bright colors 
of their palaces bud out here and there like flowers. 
It is a beautiful spot. 

We had the United States consul on board the 
Odessa consul. We assembled in the cabin and 
commanded him to tell us what we must do to be 
saved, and tell us quickly. He made a speech. 


The Innocents Abroad 12t 

The first thing he said fell like a blight on every 
hopeful spirit; he had never seen a court reception. 
(Three groans for the consul.) But he said he had 
seen receptions at the Governor-General s in Odessa, 
and had often listened to people s experiences of 
receptions at the Russian and other courts, and be 
lieved he knew very well what sort of ordeal we were 
about to essay. (Hope budded again.) He said 
we were many; the summer-palace was small a 
mere mansion ; doubtless we should be received in 
summer fashion in the garden; we would stand in 
a row, all the gentlemen in swallow-tail coats, white 
kids, and white neckties, and the ladies in light- 
colored silks, or something of that kind; at the 
proper moment 12 meridian the Emperor, at 
tended by his suite arrayed in splendid uniforms, 
would appear and walk slowly along the line, bowing 
to some, and saying two or three words to others. 
At the moment his Majesty appeared, a universal, 
delighted, enthusiastic smile ought to break out like 
a rash among the passengers a smile of love, of 
gratification, of admiration and with one accord, 
the party must begin to bow not obsequiously, 
but respectfully, and with dignity; at the end of 
fifteen minutes the Emperor would go in the house, 
and we could run along home again. We felt im 
mensely relieved. It seemed, in a manner, easy. 
There* was not a man in the party but believed that 
with a little practice he could stand in a row, especi 
ally if there were others along ; there was not a man 

522 The Innocents Abroad 

but believed he could bow without tripping on his 
coat-tail and breaking his neck; in a word, we came 
to believe we were equal to any item in the perform 
ance except that complicated smile. The consul 
also said we ought to draft a little address to the 
Emperor, and present it to one of his aids-de 
camp, who would forward it to him at the proper 
time. Therefore, five gentlemen were appointed to 
prepare the document, and the fifty others went 
sadly smiling about the ship practicing. During 
the next twelve hours we had the general appear 
ance, somehow, of being at a funeral, where every 
body was sorry the death had occurred, but glad it 
was over where everybody was smiling, and yet 

A committee went ashore to wait on his Excel 
lency, the Governor-General, and learn our fate. 
At the end of three hours of boding suspense, they 
came back and said the Emperor would receive us 
at noon the next day would send carriages for 
us would hear the address in person. The Grand 
Duke Michael had sent to invite us to his palace 
also. Any man could see that there was an inten 
tion here to show that Russia s friendship for 
America was so genuine as to render even her 
private citizens objects worthy of kindly attentions. 

At the appointed hour we drove out three miles, 
and assembled in the handsome garden in front of 
the Emperor s palace. 

We formed a circle under the trees before the 

The Innocents Abroad 12) 

door, for there was no one room in the house able to 
accommodate our threescore persons comfortably, 
and in a few minutes the imperial family came out 
bowing and smiling, and stood in our midst. A 
number of great dignitaries of the empire, in un 
dress uniforms, came with them. With every bow, 
His Majesty said a word of welcome. I copy these 
speeches. There is character in them Russian 
character which is politeness itself, and the gen 
uine article. The French are polite, but it is often 
mere ceremonious politeness. A Russian imbues 
his polite things with a heartiness, both of phrase 
and expression, that compels belief in their sincerity. 
As I was saying, the Czar punctuated his speeches 
with bows: 

41 Good morning I am glad to see you I am 
gratified I am delighted I am happy to receive 

All took off their hats, and the consul inflicted 
the address on him. He bore it with unflinching 
fortitude; then took the rusty-looking document and 
handed it to some great officer or other, to be filed 
away among the archives of Russia in the stove. 
He thanked us for the address, and said he was very 
much pleased to see us, especially as such friendly 
relations existed between Russia and the United 
States. The Empress said the Americans were 
favorites in Russia, and she hoped the Russians were 
similarly regarded in America. These were all the 
speeches that were made, and I recommend them to 

124 The Innocents Abroad 

parties who present policemen with gold watches, as 
models of brevity and point. After this the Em 
press went and talked sociably (for an Empress) 
with various ladies around the circle; several gentle 
men entered into a disjointed general conversation 
with the Emperor ; the Dukes and Princes, Admirals 
and Maids of Honor dropped into free-and-easy 
chat with first one and then another of our party, 
and whoever chose stepped forward and spoke with 
the modest little Grand Duchess Marie, the Czar s 
daughter. She is fourteen years old, light-haired, 
blue-eyed, unassuming, and pretty. Everybody talks 

The Emperor wore a cap, frock-coat, and panta 
loons, all of some kind of plain white drilling 
cotton or linen and sported no jewelry or any 
insignia whatever of rank. No costume could be 
less ostentatious. He is very tall and spare, and a 
determined-looking man, though a very pleasant- 
looking one, nevertheless. It is easy to see that he 
is kind and affectionate. There is something very 
noble in his expression when his cap is off. There 
is none of that cunning in his eye that all of us 
noticed in Louis Napoleon s. 

The Empress and the little Grand Duchess wore 
simple suits of foulard (or foulard silk, I don t know 
which is proper), with a small blue spot in it; the 
dresses were trimmed with blue; both ladies wore 
broad blue sashes about their waists; linen collars 
and clerical ties of muslin; low-crowned straw-hats 

The Innocents Aoroad 125 

trimmed with blue velvet; parasols and flesh-colored 
gloves. The Grand Duchess had no heels on her 
shoes. I do not know this of my own knowledge, 
but one of our ladies told me so. I was not looking 
at her shoes. I was glad to observe that she wore 
her own hair, plaited in thick braids against the back 
of her head, instead of the uncomely thing they call 
a waterfall, which is about as much like a waterfall 
as a canvas-covered ham is like a cataract. Taking 
the kind expression that is in the Emperor s face 
and the gentleness that is in his young daughter s 
into consideration, I wondered if it would not tax 
the Czar s firmness to the utmost to condemn a sup 
plicating wretch to misery in the wastes of Siberia 
if she pleaded for him. Every time their eyes met, 
I saw more and more what a tremendous power that 
weak, diffident schoolgirl could wield if she chose 
to do it. Many and many a time she might rule the 
Autocrat of Russia, whose lightest word is law to 
seventy millions of human beings ! She was only a 
girl, and she looked like a thousand others I have 
seen, but never a girl provoked such a novel and 
peculiar interest in me before. A strange, new 
sensation is a rare thing in this humdrum life, and 
I had it here. There was nothing stale or worn out 
about the thoughts and feelings the situation and 
the circumstances created. It seemed strange 
stranger than I can tell to think that the central 
figure in the cluster of men and women, chatting 
here under the trees like the most ordinary individual 

126 The Innocents Abroad 

in the land, was a man who could open his lips and 
ships would fly through the waves, locomotives 
would speed over the plains, couriers would hurry 
from village to village, a hundred telegraphs would 
flash the word to the four c )rners of an empire that 
stretches its vast proportions over a seventh part of 
the habitable globe, and a countless multitude of 
men would spring to do his bidding. I had a sort 
of vague desire to examine his hands and see if they 
were of flesh and blood, like other men s. Here 
was a man who could do this wonderful thing, and 
yet if I chose I could knock him down. The case 
was plain, but it seemed preposterous, nevertheless 
as preposterous as trying to knock down a moun 
tain or wipe out a continent. If this man sprained 
his ankle, a million miles of telegraph would carry 
the news over mountains valleys uninhabited 
deserts under the trackless sea and ten thou 
sand newspapers would prate of it; if he were 
grievously ill, all the nations would know it before 
the sun rose again ; if he dropped lifeless where he 
stood, his fall might shake the thrones of half a 
world ! If I could have stolen his coat, I would 
have done it. When I meet a man like that, I want 
something to remember him by. 

As a general thing, we have been shown through 
palaces by some plush-legged, filigreed flunkey or 
other, who charged a franc for it; but after talking 
with the company half an hour, the Emperor of 
Russia and his family conducted us all through their 

The Innocents Abroad 127 

mansion themselves. They made no charge. They 
seemed to take a real pleasure in it. 

We spent half an hour idling through the palace, 
admiring the cosy apartments and the rich but emi 
nently home-like appointments of the place, and 
then the imperial family bade our party a kind good 
bye, and proceeded to count the spoons. 

An invitation was extended to us to visit the 
palace of the eldest son, the Crown Prince of 
Russia, which was near at hand. The young man 
was absent, but the Dukes and Countesses and 
Princes went over the premises with us as leisurely 
as was the case at the Emperor s, and conversation 
continued as lively as ever. 

It was a little after one o clock now. We drove 
to the Grand Duke Michael s, a mile away, in re 
sponse to his invitation, previously given. 

We arrived in twenty minutes from the Em 
peror s. It is a lovely place. The beautiful palace 
nestles among the grand old groves of the park, the 
park sits in the lap of the picturesque crags and 
hills, and both look out upon the breezy ocean. In 
the park are rustic seats, here and there, in secluded 
nooks that are dark with shade ; there are rivulets of 
crystal water; there arc lakelets, with inviting, 
grassy banks ; there are glimpses of sparkling cas 
cades through openings in the wilderness of foliage ; 
there are streams of clear water gushing from mimic 
knots on the trunks of forest trees; there are 
mi mature marble temples perched upon gray old 

128 The Innocents Abroad 

crags ; there are airy lookouts whence one may gazr 
upon a broad expanse of landscape and ocean. 
The palace is modeled after the choicest forms of 
Grecian architecture, and its wide colonnades sur 
round a central court that is banked with rare 
flowers that fill the place with their fragrance, and in 
their midst springs a fountain that cools the summer 
air, and may possibly breed mosquitoes, but I do 
not think it does. 

The Grand Duke and his Duchess came out, and 
the presentation ceremonies were as simple as they 
had been at the Emperor s. In a few minutes, 
conversation was under way, as before. The Em 
press appeared in the veranda, and the little Grand 
Duchess came out into the crowd. They had beaten 
us there. In a few minutes, the Emperor came 
himself on horseback. It was very pleasant. You 
can appreciate it if you have ever visited royalty 
and felt occasionally that possibly you might be 
wearing out your welcome though as a general 
thing, I believe, royalty is not scrupulous about 
discharging you when it is done with you. 

The Grand Duke is the third brother of the Em 
peror, is about thirty-seven years old, perhaps, and 
is the princeliest figure in Russia. He is even taller 
than the Czar, as straight as an Indian, and bears 
himself like one of those gorgeous knights we read 
about in romances of the Crusades. He looks like 
a great-hearted fellow who would pitch an enemy 
into the river in a moment, and then jump in and 

The Innocents Abroad 129 

risk his life fishing him out again. The stories they 
tell of him show him to be of a brave and generous 
nature. He must have been desirous of proving 
that Americans were welcome guests in the imperial 
palaces of Russia, because he rode all the way tc 
Yalta and escorted our procession to the Emperor s 
himself, and kept his aids scurrying about, clearing 
the road and offering assistance wherever it could be 
needed. We were rather familiar with him then, 
because we did not know who he was. We recog 
nized him now, and appreciated -the friendly spirit 
that prompted him to do us a favor that any other 
Grand Duke in the world would have doubtless de 
clined to do. He had plenty of servitors whom he 
could have sent, but he chose to attend to the matter 

The Grand Duke was dressed in the handsome and 
showy uniform of a Cossack officer. The Grand 
Duchess had on a white alpaca robe, with the seams 
and gores trimmed with black barb lace, and a little 
gray hat with a feather of the same color. She is 
young, rather pretty, modest and unpretending, and 
full of winning politeness. 

Our party walked all through the house, and then 
the nobility escorted them all over the grounds, and 
finally brought them back to the palace about half- 
past two o clock to breakfast. They called it break 
fast, but we would have called it luncheon. It con 
sisted of two kinds of wine; tea, bread, cheese, and 
cold meats, and was served on the center-tables ia 

130 The Innocents Abroad 

the reception-room and the verandas anywhere 
that was convenient; there was no ceremony. It 
was a sort of picnic. I had heard before that we 
were to breakfast there, but Blucher said he believed 
Baker s boy had suggested it to his Imperial High 
ness. I think not though it would be like him. 
Baker s boy is the famine-breeder of the ship. He 
is always hungry. They say he goes about the 
staterooms when the passengers are out, and eats up 
all the soap. And they say he eats oakum. They 
say he will eat anything he can get between meals, 
but he prefers oakum. He does not like oakum for 
dinner, but he likes it for a lunch, at odd hours, or 
anything that way. It makes him very disagreeable, 
because it makes his breath bad, and keeps his teeth 
all stuck up with tar. Baker s boy may have sug 
gested the breakfast, but I hope he did not. It 
went off well, anyhow. The illustrious host moved 
about from place to place, and helped to destroy the 
provisions and keep the conversation lively, and the 
Grand Duchess talked with the veranda parties and 
such as had satisfied their appetites and straggled 
out from the reception-room. 

The Grand Duke s tea was delicious. They give 
one a lemon to squeeze into it, or iced milk, if he 
prefers it. The former is best. This tea is brought 
overland from China. It injures the article to 
transport it by sea. 

When it was time to go, we bade our distinguished 
hosts good-bye, and they retired happy and 

The Innocents Abroad 131 

contented to their apartments to count their 

We had spent the best part of half a day in the 
home of royalty, and had been as cheerful and com 
fortable all the time as we could have been in the 
ship I would as soon have thought of being cheer 
ful in Abraham s bosom as in the palace of an 
Emperor. I supposed that Emperors were terrible 
people. I thought they never did anything but wear 
magnificent crowns and red velvet dressing-gowns 
with dabs of wool sewed on them in spots, and sit 
on thrones and scowl at the flunkies and the people 
in the parquctte, and order Dukes and Duchesses 
off to execution. I find, however, that when one is 
so fortunate as to get behind the scenes and see them 
at home and in the .privacy of their firesides, they 
are strangely like common mortals. They are 
plcasanter to look upon then than they are in their 
theatrical aspect. It seems to come as natural to 
them to dres.s and act like other people as it is to 
put a friend s cedar pencil in your pocket when you 
are done using it. But I can never have any con 
fidence in the tinsel kings of the theater after this. 
It will be a great loss. I used to take such a thrill 
ing pleasure in them. But, hereafter, I will turn 
me sadly away and say : 

"This does not answer this isn t the style ot 
king that 7am acquainted with." 

When they swagger around the stage in jeweled 
crowns and splendid robes, I shall feel bound to ob- 

132 The Innocents Abroad 

serve that all the Emperors that ever / was personally 
acquainted with wore the commonest sort of clothes, 
and did not swagger. And when they come on the 
stage attended by a vast body-guard of supes in hel 
mets and tin breastplates, it will be my duty as well 
as my pleasure to inform the ignorant that no 
crowned head of my acquaintance has a soldier any 
where about his house or his person. 

Possibly it may be thought that our party tarried 
too long, or did other improper things, but such was 
not the case. The company felt that they were oc 
cupying an unusually responsible position they 
were representing the people of America, not the 
government and therefore they were careful to do 
their best to perform their high mission with 

On the other hand, the Imperial families, no 
doubt, considered that in entertaining us they were 
more especially entertaining the people of America 
than they could by showering attentions on a whole 
platoon of ministers plenipotentiary; and therefore 
they gave to the event its fullest significance, as an 
expression of good will and friendly feeling toward 
the entire country. We took the kindnesses we re 
ceived as attentions thus directed, of course, and not 
to ourselves as a party. That we felt a personal 
pride in being received as the representatives of a 
nation, we do not deny; that we felt a national pride 
in the warm cordiality of that reception, cannot be 

The Innocents Abroad 133 

Our poet has been rigidly suppressed, from the 
time we let go the anchor. When it was announced 
that we were going to visit the Emperor of Russia, 
the fountains of his great deep were broken up, and 
he rained ineffable bosh for four-and-twenty hours. 
Our original anxiety as to what we were going to 
do with ourselves, was suddenly transformed into 
anxiety about what we were going to do with our 
poet. The problem was solved at last. Two alterna 
tives were offered him he must either swear a 
dreadful oath that he would not issue a line of his 
poetry while he was in the Czar s dominions, or else 
remain under guard on board the ship until we were 
safe at Constantinople again. He fought the 
dilemma long, but yielded at last. It was a great 
deliverance. Perhaps the savage reader would like 
a specimen of his style. I do not mean this term to 
be offensive. I only use it because "the gentle 
reader" has been used so often that any change 
from it cannot but be refreshing: 

Sive a* and sanctify us, and finally, then, 
See good provisions we enjoy while we journey to 


For so man proposes, which it is most true, 
And time will wail for none, nor for us too." 

The sea has been unusually rough all day. How 
ever, we have had a lively time of it, anyhow. We 
have had quite a run of visitors. The Governor- 
General came, and we received him with a salute of 
nine guns. He brought his family with him. I 

134 The Innocents Abroad 

observed that carpets were spread from the pier-head 
to his carriage for him to walk on, though I have seen 
him walk there without any carpet when he was not 
on business. I thought may be he had what the 
accidental insurance people might call an extra-haz 
ardous polish ("policy" joke, but not above 
mediocrity) on his boots, and wished to protect 
them, but I examined and could not see that they 
were blacked any better than usual. It may have 
been that he had forgotten his carpet before, but he 
did not have it with him, anyhow. He was an ex 
ceedingly pleasant old gentleman; we all liked him, 
especially Blucher. When he went away, Blucher 
invited him to come again and fetch his carpet 

Prince Dolgorouki and a Grand Admiral or two, 
whom we had seen yesterday at the reception, came 
on board also. I was a little distant with these 
parties, at first, because when I have been visiting 
Emperors I do not like to be too familiar with people 
I only know by reputation, and whose moral charac 
ters and standing in society I cannot be thoroughly 
acquainted with. I judged it best to be a little 
offish, at first. I said to myself, Princes and Counts 
and Grand Admirals are very well, but they are not 
Emperors, and one cannot be too particular about 
whom he associates with. 

Baron Wrangel came, also. He used to be a Rus 
sian Ambassador at Washington. I told him I had 
an uncle who fell down a shaft and broke himself in 

The Innocents Abroad 135 

two, as much as a year before that. That was a 
falsehood, but then I was not going to let any man 
eclipse me on surprising adventures, merely for the 
want of a little invention. The Baron is a fine man, 
and is said to stand high in the Emperor s confidence 
and esteem. 

Baron Ungcrn-Sternberg, a boisterous, whole- 
souled old nobleman, came with the rest. He is 
a man of progress and enterprise a representative 
man of the age. He is the Chief Director of the 
railway system of Russia a sort of railroad king. 
In his line he is making things move along in this 
country. He has traveled extensively in America. 
He says he has tried convict labor on his railroads, 
and with perfect success. He says the convicts work 
well, and are quiet and peaceable. He observed 
that he employs nearly ten thousand of them now. 
This appeared to be another call on my resources. 
I was equal to the emergency. I said we had eighty 
thousand convicts employed on the railways in 
America all of them under sentence of death for 
murder in the first degree. That closed him out. 
We had General Todleben (the famous defender of 
Scbastopol, during the siege), and many inferior 
army and also navy officers, and a number of un 
official Russian ladies and gentlemen. Naturally, a 
champagne luncheon was in order, and was accom 
plished without loss of life. Toasts and jokes were 
discharged freely, but no speeches were made save 
one thanking the Emperor and the Grand Duke, 

\}6 The Innocents Abroad 

through the Governor-General, for our hospitable 
reception, and one by the Governor-General in reply, 
in which he returned the Emperor s thanks for 
the speech, etc. 


V V /E returned to Constantinople, and after a day or 
W two spent in exhausting marches about the city 
and voyages up the Golden Horn in caiques, we 
steamed away again. We passed through the Sea of 
Marmora and the Dardanelles, and steered for a new 
land a new one to us, at least Asia. We had 
as yet only acquired a bowing acquaintance with it, 
through pleasure excursions to Scutari and the 
regions round about. 

We passed between Lemnos and Mytilene, and 
saw them as we had seen Elba and the Balearic Isles 
mere bulky shapes, with the softening mists of 
distance upon them whales in a fog, as it were. 
Then we held our course southward, and began to 
" read up " celebrated Smyrna. 

At all hours of the day and night the sailors in the 
forecastle amused themselves and aggravated us by 
burlesquing our visit to royalty. The opening para 
graph of our Address to the Emperor was framed as 
follows : 

** We are a handful of private citizens of America, 
traveling simply for recreation and unostcnta- 


138 The Innocents Abroad 

tiously, as becomes our unofficial state and, there 
fore, we have no excuse to tender for presenting 
ourselves before Your Majesty, save the desire of 
offering our grateful acknowledgments to the lord of 
a realm, which, through good and through evil re 
port, has been the steadfast friend of the land we 
love so well." 

The third cook, crowned with a resplendent tin 
basin and wrapped royally in a tablecloth mottled 
with grease-spots and coffee-stains, and bearing a 
scepter that looked strangely like a belaying pin, 
walked upon a dilapidated carpet and perched himself 
on the capstan, careless of the flying spray; his 
tarred and weather-beaten Chamberlains, Dukes, and 
Lord High Admirals surrounded him, arrayed in all 
the pomp that spare tarpaulins and remnants of old 
sails could furnish. Then the visiting ** watch be 
low," transformed into graceless ladies and uncouth 
pilgrims, by rude travesties upon waterfalls, hoop- 
skirts, white kid gloves, and swallow-tail coats, moved 
solemnly up the companion-way, and bowing low, 
began a system of complicated and extraordinary 
smiling which few monarchs could look upon and 
live. Then the mock consul, a slush-plastered deck- 
sweep, drew out a soiled fragment of paper and pro 
ceeded to read, laboriously: 

* To His Imperial Majesty, Alexander II., Em 
peror of Russia: 

* We are a handful of private citizens of America, 
traveling simply for recreation and unostenta- 

The Innocents Abroad 139 

tiously, as becomes our unofficial state and there 
fore, we have no excuse to tender for presenting 
ourselves before your Majesty " 

The Emperor "Then what the devil did you 
come for ? " 

"Save the desire of offering our grateful ac 
knowledgments to the lord of a realm which " 

The Emperor " Oh, d n the Address f read 
it to the police. Chamberlain, take these people 
over to my brother, the Grand Duke s, and give 
them a square meal. Adieu! I am happy I am 
gratified I am delighted I am bored. Adieu, 
adieu vamose the ranch ! The First Groom of the 
Palace will proceed to count the portable articles of 
value belonging to the premises." 

The farce then closed, to be repeated again with 
every change of the watches, and embellished with 
new and still more extravagant inventions of pomp 
and conversation. 

At all times of the day and night the phraseology 
of that tiresome address fell upon our ears. Grimy 
sailors came down out of the foretop placidly an 
nouncing themselves as " a handful of private citi 
zens of America, traveling simply for recreation and 
unostentatiously," etc.; the coal-passers moved to 
their duties in the profound depths of the ship, ex 
plaining the blackness of their faces and their un- 
couthness of dress, with the reminder that they were 
"a handful of private citizens, traveling simply for 
recreation," etc., and when the cry rang through 

140 The Innocents Abroad 

the vessel at midnight: " EIGHT BELLS ! LAR 
BOARD WATCH, TURN OUT!" the larboard watch 
came gaping and stretching out of their den, with the 
everlasting formula: "Aye, aye, sir! We are a 
handful of private citizens of America, traveling 
simply for recreation, and unostentatiously, as be 
comes our unofficial state! " 

As I was a member of the committee, and helped 
to frame the Address, these sarcasms came home to 
me. I never heard a sailor proclaiming himself as a 
handful of American citizens traveling for recreation, 
but I wished he might trip and fall overboard, and 
so reduce his handful by one individual, at least. I 
never was so tired of any one phrase as the sailors 
made me of the opening sentence of the Address to 
the Emperor of Russia. 

This seaport of Smyrna, our first notable acquaint 
ance in Asia, is a closely-packed city of one hundred 
and thirty thousand inhabitants, and, like Constan 
tinople, it has no outskirts. It is as closely packed at 
its outer edges as it is in the center, and then the 
habitations leave suddenly off and the plain beyond 
seems houseless. It is just like any other Oriental 
city. That is to say, its Moslem houses are heavy 
and dark, and as comfortless as so many tombs ; its 
streets are crooked, rudely and roughly paved, and 
as narrow as an ordinary staircase ; the streets uni 
formly carry a man to any other place than the one 
he wants to go to, and surprise him by landing him 
in the most unexpected localities; business is chiefly 

The Innocents Abroad 141 

carried on in great covered bazaars, celled like a 
honeycomb with innumerable shops no larger than 
a common closet, and the whole hive cut up into a 
maze of alleys about wide enough to accommodate 
a laden camel, and well calculated to confuse a 
stranger and eventually lose him ; everywhere there 
is dirt, everywhere there are fleas, everywhere there 
are lean, broken-hearted dogs; every alley is 
thronged with people; wherever you look, your 
eye rests upon a wild masquerade of extravagant 
costumes ; the workshops are all open to the streets, 
and the workmen visible ; all manner of sounds assail 
the ear, and over them all rings out the muezzin s cry 
from some tall minaret, calling the faithful vaga 
bonds to prayer; and superior to the call to prayer, 
the noises in the streets, the interest of the costumes 
superior to everything, and claiming the bulk of 
attention first, last, and all the time is a combina 
tion of Mohammedan stenches, to which the smell of 
even a Chinese quarter would be as pleasant as the 
roasting odors of the fatted calf to the nostrils of the 
returning Prodigal. Such is Oriental luxury such 
is Oriental splendor ! We read about it all our days, 
but we comprehend it not until we see it. Smyrna 
is a very old city. Its name occurs several times in 
the Bible, one or two of the disciples of Christ visited 
it, and here was located one of the original seven 
apocalyptic churches spoken of in Revelations. 
These churches were symbolized in the Scriptures a* 
candlesticks, and on certain conditions there was a 

142 The Innocents Abroad 

sort of implied promise that Smyrna should be en 
dowed with a "crown of life." She was to "be 
faithful unto death" those were the terms. She 
has not kept up her faith straight along, but the pil 
grims that wander hither consider that she has come 
near enough to it to save her, and so they point to 
the fact that Smyrna to-day wears her .crown of life, 
and is a great city, with a great commerce and full 
of energy, while the cities wherein were located the 
other six churches, and to which no crown of life 
was promised, have vanished from the earth. So 
Smyrna really still possesses her crown of life, in 
a business point of view. Her career, for eighteen 
centuries, has been a chequered one, and she has 
been under the rule of princes of many creeds, yet 
there has been no season during all that time, as far 
as we know (and during such seasons as she was in 
habited at all), that she has been without her little 
community of Christians "faithful unto death." 
Hers was the only church against which no threats 
were implied in the Revelation, and the only one 
which survived. 

With Ephesus, forty miles from here, where was 
located another of the seven churches, the case was 
different. The" candlestick" has been removed 
from Ephesus. Her light has been put out. Pil 
grims, always prone to find prophecies in the Bible, 
and often where none exist, speak cheerfully and 
complacently of poor, ruined Ephesus as the victim 
of prophecy. And yet there is no sentence that 

The Innocents Abroad 14) 

promises, without due qualification, the destruction 
of the city. The words are : 

41 Remember, therefore, from whence thou art fallen, and repent, 
and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will 
remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent." 

That is all ; the other verses are singularly compli 
mentary to Ephesus. The threat is qualified. There 
is no history to show that she did not repent. But 
the crudest habit the modern prophecy-savans have, 
is that one of coolly and arbitrarily fitting the 
prophetic shirt on to the wrong man. They do it 
without regard to rhyme or reason. Both the cases 

I have just mentioned are instances in point. Those 

II prophecies " are distinctly leveled at the " churches 
of Ephesus, Smyrna," etc., and yet the pilgrims 
invariably make them refer to the cities instead. No 
crown of life is promised to the town of Smyrna and 
its commerce, but to the handful of Christians who 
formed its " church." If they were " faithful unto 
death," they have their crown now but no amount 
of faithfulness and legal shrewdness combined could 
legitimately drag the city into a participation in the 
promises of the prophecy. The stately language of 
the Bible refers to a crown of life whose luster will 
reflect the day-beams of the endless ages of eternity, 
not the butterfly existence of a city built by men s 
hands, which must pass to dust with the builders 
and be forgotten even in the mere handful of cen 
turies vouchsafed to the solid world itself between 
its cradle and its grave. 


144 The Innocents Abroad 

The fashion of delving out fulfillments of prophecy 
where that prophecy consists of mere " ifs," 
trenches upon the absurd. Suppose, a thousand 
years from now, a malarious swamp builds itself up in 
the shallow harbor of Smyrna, or something else kills 
the town ; and suppose, also, that within that time the 
swamp that has filled the renowned harbor of Ephe- 
sus and rendered her ancient site deadly and unin 
habitable to-day, becomes hard and healthy ground ; 
suppose the natural consequence ensues, to wit: that 
Smyrna becomes a melancholy ruin, and Ephesus is 
rebuilt. What would the prophecy savans say? 
They would coolly skip over our age of the world, and 
say: " Smyrna was not faithful unto death, and so her 
crown of life was denied her; Ephesus repented, and 
lo ! her candlestick was not removed. Behold these 
evidences! How wonderful is prophecy!" 

Smyrna has been utterly destroyed six times. If 
her crown of life had been an insurance policy, she 
would have had an opportunity to collect on it the 
first time she fell. But she holds it on sufferance 
and by a complimentary construction of language 
which does not refer to her. Six different times, 
however, I suppose some infatuated prophecy- 
enthusiast blundered along and said, to the infinite 
disgust of Smyrna and the Smyrniotcs: "In sooth, 
here is astounding fulfillment of prophecy ! Smyrna 
hath not been faithful unto death, and behold her 
crown of life is vanished from her head. Verily, 
these things be astonishing!" 

The Innocents Abroad 145 

Such things have a bad influence. They provoke 
worldly men into using light conversation concerning 
sacred subjects. Thick-headed commentators upon 
the Bible, and stupid preachers and teachers, work 
more damage to religion than sensible, cool-brained 
clergymen can fight away again, toil as they may. 
It is not good judgment to fit a crown of life upon a 
city which has been destroyed six times. That other 
class of wiseacres who twist prophecy in such a 
manner as to make it promise the destruction and 
desolation of the same city, use judgment just as 
bad, since the city is in a very flourishing condition 
now, unhappily for them. These things put 
arguments into the mouth of infidelity. 

A portion of the city is pretty exclusively Turk 
ish; the Jews have a quarter to themselves; the 
Franks another quarter; so, also, with the Armeni 
ans. The Armenians, of course, are Christians. 
Their houses are large, clean, airy, handsomely 
paved with black and white squares of marble, and 
in the center of many of them is a square court, 
which has in it a luxuriant flower-garden and a 
sparkling fountain ; the doors of all the rooms open 
on this. A very wide hall leads to the street door, 
and in this the women sit, the most of the day. In 
the cool of the evening they dress up in their best 
raiment and show themselves at the door. They are 
all comely of countenance, and exceedingly neat and 
cleanly ; they look as if they were just out of a band 
box. Some of the young ladies many of them, I 

r46 The Innocents Abroad 

may say are even very beautiful ; they average a 
shade better than American girls which treasonable 
words I piay may be forgiven me. They are very 
sociable, and will smile back when a stranger smiles 
at them, bow back when he bows, and talk back if 
he speaks to them. No introduction is required. 
An hour s chat at the door with a pretty girl one 
never saw before, is easily obtained, and is very 
pleasant. I have tried it. I could not talk anything 
but English, and the girl knew nothing but Greek, 
or Armenian, or some such barbarous tongue, but 
we got along very well. I find that in cases like 
these, the fact that you cannot comprehend each 
other isn t much of a drawback. In that Russian 
town of Yalta I danced an astonishing sort of dance 
an hour long, and one I had not heard of before, 
with a very pretty girl, and we talked incessantly, 
and laughed exhaustingly, and neither one ever 
knew what the other was driving at. But it was 
splendid. There were twenty people in the set, and 
the dance was very lively and complicated. It was 
complicated enough without me with me it was 
more so. I threw in a figure now and then that 
surprised those Russians. But I have never ceased 
to think of that girl. I have written to her, but I 
cannot direct the epistle because her name is one of 
those nine-jointed Russian affairs, and there are not 
letters enough in our alphabet to hold out. I am 
not reckless enough to try to pronounce it when I 
am awake, but I make a stagger at it in my dreams, 

The Innocents Abroad 147 

and get up with the lockjaw in the morning. I am 
fading. I do not take my meals now, with any sort 
of regularity. Her dear name haunts me still in my 
dreams. It is awful on teeth. It never comes out 
of my mouth but it fetches an old snag along with 
it. And then the lockjaw closes down and nips off 
a couple of the last syllables but they taste 

Coming through the Dardanelles, we saw camel 
trains on shore with the glasses, but we were never 
close to one till we got to Smyrna. These camels 
are very much larger than the scrawny specimens 
one sees in the menagerie. They stride along these 
streets, in single file, a dozen in a train, with heavy 
loads on their backs, and a fancy-looking negro in 
Turkish costume, or an Arab, preceding them on a 
little donkey and completely overshadowed and 
rendered insignificant by the huge beasts. To see a 
camel train laden with the spices of Arabia and the 
rare fabrics of Persia come marching through the 
narrow alleys of the bazaar, among porters with 
their burdens, money-changers, lamp-merchants, 
Alnaschars in the glassware business, portly cross- 
legged Turks smoking the famous narghili, and the 
crowds drifting to and fro in the fanciful costumes 
of the East, is a genuine revelation of the Orient. 
The picture lacks nothing. It casts you back at 
once into your forgotten boyhood, and again you 
dream over the wonders of the Arabian Nights; 
again your companions are princes, your lord is the 

\48 The Innocents Abroad 

Caliph Haroun Al Raschid, and your servants are 
terrific giants and genii that come with smoke and 
lightning and thunder, and go as a storm goes wbe> 
they depart ! 


WE inquired, and learned that the lions of 
Smyrna consisted of the ruins of the ancient 
citadel, whose broken and prodigious battlements 
frown upon the city from a lofty hill just in the edge 
of the town the Mount Pagus of Scripture, they 
call it ; the site of that one of the seven apocalyptic 
churches of Asia which was located here in the first 
century of the Christian era ; and the grave and the 
place of martyrdom of the venerable Polycarp, who 
suffered in Smyrna for his religion some eighteen 
hundred years ago. 

We took little donkeys and started. We saw 
Polycarp s tomb, and then hurried on. 

The " Seven Churches" thus they abbreviate 
it came next on the list. We rode there about 
a mile and a half in the sweltering sun and visited 
a little Greek church which they said was built upon 
the ancient site ; and we paid a small fee, and the 
holy attendant gave each of us a little wax candle as 
a remembrancer of the place, and I put mine in my 
hat and the sun melted it and the grease all ran 
down the back of my neck; and so now I have not 

150 The Innocents Abroad 

anything left but the wick, and it is a sorry and 
wilted-looking wick at that. 

Several of us argued as well as we could that the 
" church " mentioned in the Bible meant a party of 
Christians, and not a building; that the Bible spoke 
of them as being very poor so poor, I thought, 
and so subject to persecution (as per Polycarp s 
martyrdom) that in the first place they probably 
could not have afforded a church edifice, and in the 
second would not have dared to build it in the open 
light of day if they could ; and finally, that if they 
had had the privilege of building it, common judg 
ment would have suggested that they build it some 
where near the town. But the elders of the ship s 
family ruled us down and scouted our evidences. 
However, retribution came to them afterward. They 
found that they had been led astray and hat! gone to 
the wrong place ; they discovered that the accepted 
site is in the city. 

Riding through the town, we could see marks of 
the six Smyrnas that have existed here and been 
burned up by fire or knocked down by earthquakes. 
The hills and the rocks are rent asunder in places, 
excavations expose great blocks of building-stone 
that have lain buried for ages, and all the mean 
houses and walls of modern Smyrna along the way 
are spotted white with broken pillars, capitals, and 
fragments of sculptured marble that once adorned 
the lordly palaces that were the glory of the city in 
the olden time. 

The Innocents Abroad 151 

The ascent o f the hill of the citadel is very steep, 
and we proceeded rather slowly. But there were 
matters of interest about us. In one place, five 
hundred feet above the sea, the perpendicular bank 
on the upper side of the road was ten or fifteen feet 
high, and the cut exposed three veins of oyster- 
shells, just as we have seen quartz veins exposed in 
the cutting of a road in Nevada or Montana. The 
veins were about eighteen inches thick and two or 
three feet apart, and they slanted along downward 
for a distance of thirty feet or more, and then dis 
appeared where the cut joined the road. Heaven 
only knows how far a man might trace them by 
" stripping." They were clean, nice oyster-shells, 
large, and just like any other oyster-shells. They 
were thickly massed together, and none were scat 
tered above or below the veins. Each one was a 
well-defined lead by itself, and without a spur. My 
first instinct was to set up the usual 


" We, the undersigned, claim five claims of two hundred feet each 
(and one for discovery) on this ledge or lode of oyster-shells, with all its 
dips, spurs, angles, variations, and sinuosities, and fifty feet on each side 
of the Mime, to work it, etc., etc., according to the mining laws of 


They were such perfectly natural-looking leads 
that I could hardly keep from * taking them up." 
Among the oyster-shells were mixed many fragments 
of ancient, broken crockcryware. Now how did 
those masses of oyster-shells get there? I cannot 

152 The Innocents Abroad 

determine. Broken crockery and oyster-shells are 
suggestive of restaurants but then they could have 
had no such places away up there on that mountain 
side in our time, because nobody has lived up there. 
A restaurant would not pay in such a stony, forbid 
ding, desolate place. And besides, there were no 
champagne corks among the shells. If there ever 
was a restaurant there, it must have been in Smyrna s 
palmy days, when the hills were covered with palaces. 
I could believe in one restaurant, on those terms; 
but then how about the three? Did they have res 
taurants there at three different periods of the 
world? because there are two or three feet of 
solid earth between the oyster leads. Evidently, 
the restaurant solution will not answer. 

The hill might have been the bottom of the sea, 
once, and been lifted up, with its oyster-beds, by an 
earthquake but, then, how about tlr* crockery? 
And, moreover, how about three oyster-beds, one 
above another, and thick strata of good honest 
earth between? 

That theory will not do. It is just possible that 
this hill is Mount Ararat, and that Noah s Ark rested 
here, and he ate oysters and threw the shells over 
board. But that will not do, either. There are the 
three layers again and the solid earth between 
and, besides, there were only eight in Noah s family, 
and they could not have eaten all these oysters in the 
two or three months they stayed on top of that 
mountain. The beasts however, it is simply ab- 

The Innocents Abroad 155 

surd to suppose he did not know any more than to 
feed the beasts on oyster suppers. 

It is painful it is even humiliating but I am 
reduced at last to one slender theory: that the 
oysters climbed up there of their own accord. But 
what object could they have had in view? what 
did they want up there? What could any oyster 
want to climb a hill for? To climb a hill must 
necessarily be fatiguing and annoying exercise for 
an oyster. The most natural conclusion would be 
that the oysters climbed up there to look at the 
scenery. Yet when one comes to reflect upon the 
nature of an oyster, it seems plain that he does not 
care for scenery. An oyster has no taste for such 
things; he cares nothing for the beautiful. An 
oyster is of a retiring disposition, and not lively 
not even cheerful above the average, and never 
enterprising. But, above all, an oyster does not 
take any interest in scenery he scorns it. What 
have I arrived at now? Simply at the point I started 
from, namely, those oyster shells are there, in regular 
layers, five hundred feet above the sea, and no man 
knows how they got there. I have hunted up the 
guide-books, and the gist of what they say is this: 
"They are there, but how they got there is a mys 

Twenty-five years ago, a multitude of people i 
America put on their ascension robes, took a tearful 
leave of their friends, and made ready to fly up int 
heaven at the first blast of the trumpet. But the 

154 The Innocents Abroad 

angel did not blow it. Miller s resurrection day was 
a failure. The Millerites were disgusted. I did not 
suspect that there were Millers in Asia Minor, but a 
gentleman tells me that they had it all set for the 
world to come to an end in Smyrna one day about 
three years ago. There was much buzzing and 
preparation for a long time previously, and it cul 
minated in a wild excitement at the appointed time. 
A vast number of the populace ascended the citadel 
hill early in the morning, to get out of the way of 
the general destruction, and many of the infatuated 
closed up their shops and retired from all earthly 
business. But the strange part of it was that about 
three in the afternoon, while this gentleman and his 
friends were at dinner in the hotel, a terrific storm 
of rain, accompanied by thunder and lightning, 
broke forth and continued with dire fury for two or 
three hours. It was a thing unprecedented in 
Smyrna at that time of the year, and scared some 
of the most skeptical. The streets ran rivers and 
the hotel floor was flooded with water. The dinner 
had to be suspended. When the storm finished and 
left everybody drenched through and through, and 
melancholy and 1 half-drowned, the ascensionists came 
down from the mountain as dry as so many charity- 
sermons ! They had been looking down upon the 
fearful storm going on below, and really believed 
that their proposed destruction of the world was 
proving a grand success. 

A railway here 5n Asia in tbe dreamy realm of 

The Innocents Abroad 155 

the Orient in the fabled land of the Arabian 
Nights is a strange thing to think of. And yet 
they have one already, and are building another. 
The present one is well built and well conducted, by 
an English Company, but is not doing an immense 
amount of business. The first year it carried a good 
many passengers, but its freight list only comprised 
eight hundred pounds of figs ! 

It runs almost to the very gates of Ephesus a 
town great in all ages of the world a city familiar 
to readers of the Bible, and one which was as old as 
the very hills when the disciples of Christ preached 
in its streets. It dates back to the shadowy ages of 
tradition, and was the birthplace of gods renowned 
in Grecian mythology. The idea of a locomotive 
tearing through such a place as this, and waking the 
phantoms of its old days of romance out of their 
dreams of dead and gone centuries, is curious 

We journey thither to-morrow to see the cele 
brated ruins. 


"PHIS has been a stirring day. The superinten- 
I dent of the railway put a train at our disposal, 
and did us the further kindness of accompanying us 
to Ephesus and giving to us his watchful care. We 
brought sixty scarcely perceptible donkeys in the 
freight cars, for we had much ground to go over. 
We have seen some of the most grotesque costumes, 
along the line of the railroad, that can be imagined. 
I am glad that no possible combination of words 
could describe them, for I might then be foolish 
enough to attempt it. 

At ancient Ayassalook, in the midst of a forbid 
ding desert, we came upon long lines of ruined 
aqueducts, and other remnants of architectural 
grandeur, that told us plainly enough we were near- 
ing what had been a metropolis once. We left the 
train and mounted the donkeys, along with our 
invited guests pleasant young gentlemen from the 
officers list of an American man-of-war. 

The little donkeys had saddles upon them which 
were made very high in order that the rider s feet 
might not drag the ground. The preventative did 


The Innocents Abroad 157 

not work well in the cases of our tallest pilgrims, 
however. There were no bridles nothing but a 
single rope, tied to the bit. It was purely orna 
mental, for the donkey cared nothing for it. If he 
were drifting to starboard, you might put your helm 
down hard the other way, if it were any satisfaction 
to you to do it, but he would continue to drift to 
starboard all the same. There was only one process 
which could be depended on, and that was to get 
down and lift his rear around until his head pointed 
in the right direction, or take him under your arm 
and carry him to a part of the road which he could 
not get out of without climbing. The sun flamed 
down as hot as a furnace, and neck-scarfs, veils, and 
umbrellas seemed hardly any protection ; they served 
only to make the long procession look more than 
ever fantastic for be it known the ladies were all 
riding astride because they could not stay on the 
shapeless saddles sidewise, the men were perspiring 
and out of temper, their feet were banging against 
the rocks, the donkeys were capering in every direc 
tion but the right one and being belabored with 
clubs for it, and every now and then a broad um 
brella would suddenly go down out of the cavalcade, 
announcing to all that one more pilgrim had bittea 
the dust. It was a wilder picture than those soli 
tudes had seen for many a day. No donkeys evef 
existed that were as hard to navigate as these, I 
think, or that had so many vile, exasperating in- 
>tincts. Occasionally, we grew so tired and breath- 

158 The Innocents Abroad 

less with fighting them that we had to desist, and 
immediately the donkey would come down to a 
deliberate walk. This, with the fatigue, and the sun, 
would put a man asleep ; and as soon as the man 
was asleep, the donkey would lie down. My donkey 
shall never see his boyhood s home again. He has 
lain down once too often. He must die. 

We all stood in the vast theater of ancient 
Ephesus, the stone-benched amphitheater, I mean 
and had our picture taken. We looked as proper 
there as we would look anywhere, I suppose. We 
do not embellish the general desolation of a desert 
much. We add what dignity we can to a stately 
ruin with our green umbrellas and jackasses, but it 
is little. However, we mean well. 

I wish to say a brief word of the aspect of 

On a high, steep hill, toward the sea, is a gray 
ruin of ponderous blocks of marble, wherein, tradi 
tion says, St. Paul was imprisoned eighteen centuries 
ago. From these old walls you have the finest view 
of the desolate scene where once stood Ephesus, 
the proudest city of ancient times, and whose 
Temple of Diana was so noble in design and so 
exquisite of workmanship, that it ranked high in the 
list of the Seven Wonders of the World. 

Behind you is the sea ; in front is a level green 
valley (a marsh, in fact), extending far away 
among the mountains; to the right of the front 
view is the old citadel of Ayassalook, on a high 

The Innocents Abroad 159 

hill ; the ruined mosque of the Sultan Selim stands 
near it in the plain (this is built over the grave of 
St. John, and was formerly a Christian church) ; 
further toward you is the hill of Prion, around whose 
front is clustered all that remains of the ruins of 
Ephesus that still stand ; divided from it by a narrow 
valley is the long, rocky, rugged mountain of 
Coressus. The scene is a pretty one, and yet deso- 
-for in that wide plain no man can live, and in 
it is no human habitation. But for the crumbling 
arches and monstrous piers and broken walls that 
rise from the foot of the hill of Prion, one could not 
believe that in this place once stood a city whose 
renown is older than tradition itself. It is incredible 
to reflect that things as familiar all over the world 
to-day as household words belong in the history 
and in the shadowy legends of this silent, mournful 
solitude. We speak of Apollo and of Diana they 
were born here; of the metamorphosis of Syrinx 
into a reed it was done here; of the great god 
Pan he dwelt in the caves of this hill of Coressus; 
of the Amazons this was their best-prized home; 
of Bacchus and Hercules both fought the warlike 
women here ; of the Cyclops they laid the ponder 
ous marble blocks of some of the ruins yonder; of 
Homer this was one of his many birthplaces; of 
Cimon of Athens; of Alcibiades, Lysander, Agesi- 
laus they visited here; so did Alexander the 
Great; so did Hannibal and Antiochus, Scipio, 
LucuHus, and Sylla; Brutus, Cassius, Pompey, 

160 The Innocents Abroad 

Cicero, and Augustus; Antony was a judge in this 
place, and left his seat in the open court, while the 
advocates were speaking, to run after Cleopatra, 
who passed the door; from this city these two sailed 
on pleasure excursions, in galleys with silver oars 
and perfumed sails, and with companies of beautiful 
girls to serve them, and actors and musicians to 
amuse them; in days that seem almost modern, so 
remote are they from the early history of this city, 
Paul the Apostle preached the new religion here, 
and so did John, and here it is supposed the former 
was pitted against wild beasts, for in I Corinthians, 
xv. 32, he says: 

" If after the manner of men I have fought with beasts at Ephesus," 

when many men still lived who had seen the Christ; 
here Mary Magdalen died, and here the Virgin Mary 
ended her days with John, albeit Rome has since 
judged it best to locate her grave elsewhere ; six or 
seven hundred years ago almost yesterday, as it 
were troops of mail-clad Crusaders thronged the 
streets; and to come down to trifles, we speak of 
meandering streams, and find a new interest in a 
common word when we discover that the crooked 
river Meander, in yonder valley, gave it to our 
dictionary. It makes me feel as old as these dreary 
hills to look down upon these moss-hung ruins, this 
historic desolation. One may read the Scriptures 
and believe, but he cannot go and stand yonder in 
the ruined theater and in imagination people it 

The Innocents Abroad 161 

again with the vanished multitudes who mobbed 
Paul s comrades there and shouted, with one voice, 
4 * Great is Diana of the Ephesians!" The idea of 
a shout in such a solitude as this almost makes one 

It was a wonderful city, this Ephesus. Go where 
you will about these broad plains, you find the most 
exquisitely-sculptured marble fragments scattered 
thick among the dust and weeds; and protruding 
from the ground, or lying prone upon it, are beau 
tiful fluted columns of porphyry and all precious 
marbles; and at every step you find elegantly-carved 
capitals and massive bases, and polished tablets 
engraved with Greek inscriptions. It is a world of 
precious relics, a wilderness of marred and mutilated 
gems. And yet what are these things to the won 
ders that lie buried here under the ground? At 
Constantinople, at Pisa, in the cities of Spain, are 
great mosques and cathedrals, whose grandest col 
umns came from the temples and palaces of Ephesus, 
and yet one has only to scratch the ground here to 
match them. We shall never know what magnifi 
cence is, until this imperial city is laid bare to the 

The finest piece of sculpture we have yet seen 
and the one that impressed us most (for we do not 
know much about art and cannot easily work up 
ourselves into ecstasies over it), is one that lies in 
this old theater of Ephesus which St. Paul s riot 
has made so celebrated. It is only the headless 

162 The Innocents Abroad 

body of a man, clad in a coat of mail, with a 
Medusa head upon the breast-plate, but we feel 
persuaded that such dignity and such majesty were 
never thrown into a form of stone before. 

What builders they were, these men of antiquity ! 
The massive arches of some of these ruins rest upon 
piers that are fifteen feet square and built entirely of 
solid blocks of marble, some of which are as large 
as a Saratoga trunk, and some the size of a boarding- 
house sofa. They are not shells or shafts of stone 
filled inside with rubbish, but the whole pier is a 
mass of solid masonry. Vast arches, that may have 
been the gates of the city, are built in the same way. 
They have braved the storms and sieges of three 
thousand years, and have been shaken by many an 
earthquake, but still they stand. When they dig 
alongside of them, they find ranges of ponderous 
masonry that are as perfect in every detail as they 
were the day those old Cyclopean giants finished 
them. An English company is going to excavate 
Ephesus and then! 

And now am I reminded of 


In the Mount of Prion, yonder, is the Cave of the 
Seven Sleepers. Once upon a time, about fifteen 
hundred years ago, seven young men lived near each 
other in Ephesus, who belonged to the despised sect 
of the Christians. It came to pass that the good 
King Maximilianus (I am telling this story for nice 

The Innocents Abroad 16) 

little boys and girls), it came to pass, I say, that 
the good King Maximilianus fell to persecuting the 
Christians, and as time rolled on he made it very 
warm for them. So the seven young men said one to 
the other, Let us get up and travel. And they got 
up and traveled. They tarried not to bid their 
fathers and mothers good-bye, or any friend they 
knew. They only took certain moneys which their 
parents had, and garments that belonged unto their 
friends, whereby they might remember them when 
far away; and they took also the dog Ketmehr, 
which was the property of their neighbor Malchus, 
because the beast did run his head into a noose which 
one of the young men was carrying carelessly, and 
they had not time to release him ; and they took also 
certain chickens that seemed lonely in the neighbor 
ing coops, and likewise some bottles of curious 
liquors that stood near the grocer s window; and 
then they departed from the city. By-and-by they 
came to a marvelous cave in the Hill of Prion and 
entered into it and feasted, and presently they 
hurried on again. But they forgot the bottles of 
curious liquors, and left them behind. They 
traveled in many lands, and had many strange 
adventures. They were virtuous young men, and 
lost no opportunity that fell in their way to make 
their livelihood. Their motto was in these words, 
namely, " Procrastination is the thief of time." And 
so, whenever they did come upon a man who was 
alone, they said, Behold, this person hath the where- 

164 The Innocents Abroad 

withal let us go through him. And they went 
through him. At the end of five years they had 
waxed tired of travel and adventure, and longed to 
revisit their old home again and hear the voices and 
see the faces that were dear unto their youth. There 
fore they went through such parties as fell in their 
way where they sojourned at that time, and journeyed 
back toward Ephesus again. For the good King 
Maximilianus was become converted unto the new 
faith, and the Christians rejoiced because they were 
no longer persecuted. One day as the sun went 
down, they came to the cave in the Mount of Prion, 
and they said, each to his fellow, Let us sleep here, 
and go and feast and make merry with our friends 
when the morning cometh. And each of the seven 
lifted up his voice and said, It is a whiz. So they 
went in, and lo, where they had put them, there 
lay the bottles of strange liquors, and they judged 
that age had not impaired their excellence. Wherein 
the wanderers were right, and the heads of the same 
were level. So each of the young men drank six 
bottles, and behold they felt very tired, then, and 
lay down and slept soundly. 

When they awoke, one of them, Johannes sur- 
named Smithianus said, We are naked. And it 
was so. Their raiment was all gone, and the money 
which they had gotten from a stranger whom they 
had proceeded through as they approached the city, 
was lying upon the ground, corroded and rusted and 
defaced. Likewise the dog Ketmehr was gone, and 

The Innocents Abroad 165 

nothing save the brass that was upon his collar re 
mained. They wondered much at these things. 
But they took the money, and they wrapped about 
their bodies some leaves, and came up to the top of 
the hill. Then were they perplexed. The wonder 
ful temple of Diana was gone; many grand edifices 
they had never seen before stood in the city; men 
in strange garbs moved about the streets, and every 
thing was changed. 

Johannes said, It hardly seems like Ephesus. Y.-t 
here is the great gymnasium; here is the mighty 
theater, wherein I have seen seventy thousand men 
assembled ; here is the Agora ; there is the font where 
the sainted John the Baptist immersed the converts ; 
yonder is the prison of the good St. Paul, where we 
all did use to go to touch the ancient chains that 
bound him and be cured of our distempers ; I see 
the tomb of the disciple Luke, and afar off is the 
church wherein repose the ashes of the holy John, 
where the Christians of Ephesus go twice a year to 
gather the dust from the tomb, which is able to make 
bodies whole again that are corrupted by disease, 
and cleanse the soul from sin; but see how the 
wharves encroach upon the sea, and what multitudes 
of ships arc anchored in the bay; see, also, how the 
city hath stretched abroad, far over the valley behind 
Prion, and even unto the walls of Ayassalook; and 
lo, all the hills arc white with palaces and ribbed with 
colonnades of marble. How mighty is Ephesus 
become ! 

166 The innocents Abroad 

And wondering at what their eyes had seen, they 
went down into the city and purchased garments and 
clothed themselves. And when they would have 
passed on, the merchant bit the coins which they had 
given him, with his teeth, and turned them about 
and looked curiously upon them, and cast them upon 
his counter, and listened if they rang ; and then he 
said, These be bogus. And they said, Depart thou 
to Hades, and went their way. When they were 
come to their houses, they recognized them, albeit 
they seemed old and mean; and they rejoiced, and 
were glad. They ran to the doors, and knocked, 
and strangers opened, and looked inquiringly upon 
them. And they said, with great excitement, while 
their hearts beat high, and the color in their faces 
came and went, Where is my father? Where is 
my mother? Where are Dionysius and Serapion, and 
Pericles, and Decius? And the strangers that 
opened said, We know not these. The Seven said, 
How, you know them not? How long have ye 
dwelt here, and whither are they gone that dwelt 
here before ye? And the strangers said, Ye play 
upon us with a jest, young men ; we and our fathers 
have sojourned under these roofs these six genera 
tions; the names ye utter rot upon the tombs, and 
they that bore them have run their brief race, have 
laughed and sung, have borne the sorrows and the 
weariness that were allotted them, and are at rest; 
for nine-score years the summers have come and 
gone, and the autumn leaves have fallen, since the 

The Innocents Abroad 167 

roses faded out of their cheeks and they laid them 
to sleep with the dead. 

Then the seven young men turned them away from 
their homes, and the strangers shut the doors upon 
them. The wanderers marveled greatly, and looked 
into the faces of all they met, as hoping to find one 
that they knew ; but all were strange, and passed them 
by and spake no friendly word. They were sore dis 
tressed and sad. Presently they spake unto a citizen 
and said, Who is King in Ephesus? And the citizen 
answered and said, Whence come ye that ye know 
not that great Laertius reigns in Ephesus? They 
looked one at the other, greatly perplexed, and pres 
ently asked again, Where, then, is the good King 
Maximilianus? The citizen moved him apart, as one 
who is afraid, and said, Verily these men be mad, 
and dream dreams, else would they know that the 
King whereof they speak is dead above two hundred 
years agone. 

Then the scales fell from the eyes of the Seven, 
and one said, Alas, that we drank of the curious 
liquors. They have made us weary, and in dream 
less sleep these two long centuries have we lain. Our 
homes are desolate, our friends are dead. Behold, 
the jig is up let us die. And that same day went 
they forth and laid them down and died. And in 
that selfsame day, likewise, the Seven-up did cease 
in Ephesus, for that the Seven that were up were 
down again, and departed and dead withal. And 
the names that be upon their tombs, even unto this 

168 The Innocents Abroad 

time, are Johannes Smithianus, Trumps, Gift, High, 
and Low, Jack, and The Game. And with the 
sleepers lie also the bottles wherein were once the 
curious liquors; and upon them is writ, in ancient 
letters, such words as these names of heathen gods 
of olden time, perchance: Rumpunch, Jinsling, 

Such is the story of the Seven Sleepers (with slight 
variations), and I know it is true, because I have 
seen the cave myself. 

Really, so firm a faith had the ancients in this 
legend, that as late as eight or nine hundred years 
ago, learned travelers held it in superstitious fear. 

Two of them record that they ventured into it, but 
ran quickly out again, not daring to tarry lest they 
should fall asleep and outlive their great-grand 
children a century or so. Even at this day the ignor 
ant denizens of the neighboring country prefer not 
to sleep in it. 


WHEN I last made a memorandum, we were at 
Ephesus. We are in Syria, now, encamped in 
the mountains of Lebanon. The interregnum has 
been long, both as to time and distance. We 
brought not a relic from Ephesus ! After gathering 
up fragments of sculptured marbles and breaking 
ornaments from the interior work of the mosques ; 
and after bringing them, at a cost of infinite trouble 
and fatigue, five miles on muleback to the railway 
depot, a government officer compelled all who had 
such things to disgorge ! He had an order from 
Constantinople to look out for onr party \ and see that 
we carried nothing off. It was a wise, a just, and a 
well-deserved rebuke, but it created a sensation. I 
never resist a temptation to plunder a stranger s 
premises without feeling insufferably vain about it. 
This time I felt proud beyond expression. I was 
serene in the midst of the scoldings that were heaped 
upon the Ottoman government for its affront offered 
to a pleasuring party of entirely respectable gentle 
men and ladies. I said, ** We that have free souls, 
it touches us not " The shoe not only pinched our 


170 The Innocents Abroad 

party, but it pinched hard ; a principal sufferer dis 
covered that the imperial order was inclosed in an 
envelope bearing the seal of the British Embassy at 
Constantinople, and therefore must have been in 
spired by the representative of the Queen. This was 
bad very bad. Coming solely from the Ottomans, 
it might have signified only Ottoman hatred of 
Christians, and a vulgar ignorance as to genteel meth 
ods of expressing it; but coming from the Chris 
tianized, educated, politic British legation, it simply 
intimated that we were a sort of gentlemen and ladies 
who would bear watching ! So the party regarded 
it, and were incensed accordingly. The truth doubt 
less was, that the same precautions would have been 
taken against any travelers, because the English 
Company who have acquired the right to excavate 
Ephesus, and have paid a great sum for that right, 
need to be protected, and deserve to be. They can 
not afford to run the risk of having their hospitality 
abused by travelers, especially since travelers are 
such notorious scorners of honest behavior. 

We sailed from Smyrna, in the wildest spirit of 
expectancy, for the chief feature, the grand goal of 
the expedition, was near at hand we were ap 
proaching the Holy Land ! Such a burrowing into 
the hold for trunks that had lain buried for weeks, 
yes, for months; such a hurrying to and fro above 
decks and below; such a riotous system of packing 
and unpacking; such a littering up of the cabins 
with shirts and skirts, and indescribable and unclass- 

The Innocents Abroad 171 

able odds and ends; such a making up of bundles, 
and setting apart of umbrellas, green spectacles, and 
thick veils; such a critical inspection of saddles and 
bridles that had never yet touched horses; such a 
cleaning and loading of revolvers and examining of 
bowie-knives; such a half-soling of the seats of 
pantaloons with serviceable buckskin ; then such a 
poring over ancient maps; such a reading up of 
Bibles and Palestine travels; such a marking out of 
routes; such exasperating efforts to divide up the 
company into little bands of congenial spirits who 
might make the long and arduous journey without 
quarreling; and morning, noon, and night, such 
mass-meetings in the cabins, such speech-making, 
such sage suggesting, such worrying and quarreling, 
and such a general raising of the very mischief, was 
never seen in the ship before ! 

But it is all over now. We are cut up into parties 
of six or eight, and by this time are scattered far and 
wide. Ours is the only one, however, that is ventur 
ing on what is called " the long trip " that is, out 
into Syria, by Baalbec to Damascus, and thence 
down through the full length of Palestine. It would 
be a tedious, and also a too risky journey, at this hot 
season of the year, for any but strong, healthy men, 
accustomed somewhat to fatigue and rough life in 
the open air. The other parties will take shorter 

For the last two months we have been in a worry 
about one portion of this Holy Land pilgrimage. I 

172 The Innocents Abroad 

refer to transportation service. We knew very well 
that Palestine was a country which did not do a large 
passenger business, and every man we came across 
who knew anything about it gave us to understand 
that not half of our party would be able to get drago 
men and animals. At Constantinople everybody fell 
to telegraphing the American consuls at Alexandria 
and Beirout to give notice that we wanted dragomen 
and transportation. We were desperate would 
take horses, jackasses, camelopards, kangaroos 
anything. At Smyrna, more telegraphing was done, 
to the same end. Also, fearing for the worst, we 
telegraphed for a large number of seats in the dili 
gence for Damascus, and horses for the ruins of 

As might have been expected, a notion got 
abroad in Syria and Egypt that the whole population 
of the Province of America (the Turks consider us a 
trifling little province in some unvisited corner of the 
world) were coming to the Holy Land and so, 
when we got to Beirout yesterday, we found the 
place full of dragomen and their outfits. We had 
all intended to go by diligence to Damascus, and 
switch off to Baalbec as we went along because we 
expected to rejoin the ship, go to Mount Carmel, 
and take to the woods from there. However, when 
our own private party of eight found that it was pos 
sible, and proper enough, to make the " long trip," 
we adopted that program. We have never been 
much trouble to a consul before, but we have been 

The Innocents Abroad 173 

a fearful nuisance to our consul at Bcirout. I men 
tion this because I cannot help admiring his patience, 
his industry, and his accommodating spirit. I men 
tion it, also, because I think some of our ship s com 
pany did not give him as full credit for his excellent 
services as he deserved. 

Well, out of our eight, three were selected to 
attend to all business connected with the expedition. 
The rest of us had nothing to do but look at the 
beautiful city of Bcirout, with its bright, new houses 
nestled among a wilderness of green shrubbery 
spread abroad over an upland that sloped gently 
down to the sea ; and also at the mountains of Leba 
non that environ it; and likewise to bathe in die 
transparent blue water that rolled its billows about 
the ship (we did not know there were sharks there). 
We had also to range up and down through the 
town and look at the costumes. These are pictur 
esque and fanciful, but not so varied as at Constan 
tinople and Smyrna; the women of Bcirout add an 
agony in the two former cities the sex wear a thin 
veil which one can see through (and they often ex 
pose their ankles), but at Beirout they cover their 
entire faces with dark-colored or black veils, so that 
they look like mummies, and then expose their 
breasts to the public. A young gentleman (I be 
lieve he was a Greek) volunteered to show us around 
the city, and said it would afford him great pleasure, 
because he was studying English and wanted practice 
in that language. When we had finished the rounds, 

174 The Innocents Abroad 

however, he called for remuneration said he hoped 
the gentlemen would give him a trifle in the way of a 
few piasters (equivalent to a few five-cent pieces). 
We did so. The consul was surprised when he 
heard it, and said he knew the young fellow s family 
very well, and that they were an old and highly re 
spectable family and worth a hundred and fifty thou 
sand dollars ! Some people, so situated, would have 
been ashamed of the berth he had with us and his 
manner of crawling into it. 

At the appointed time our business committee re 
ported, and said all things were in readiness that 
we were to start to-day, with horses, pack animals, 
and tents, and go to Baalbec, Damascus, the Sea of 
Tiberias, and thence southward by the way of the 
scene of Jacob s Dream and other notable Bible 
localities to Jerusalem from thence probably to the 
Dead Sea, but possibly not and then strike for the 
ocean and rejoin the ship three or four weeks hence 
at Joppa; terms, five dollars a day apiece, in gold, 
and everything to be furnished by the dragoman. 
They said we would live as well as at a hotel. I had 
read something like that before, and did not shame 
my judgment by believing a word of it. I said noth 
ing, however, but packed up a blanket and a shawl 
to sleep in, pipes and tobacco, two or three woolen 
shirts, a portfolio, a guide-book, and a Bible. I 
also took along a towel and a cake of soap, to in 
spire respect in the Arabs, who would take me for a 
king in disguise. 

The Innocents Abroad 175 

We were to select our horses at 3 P.M. At that 
hour Abraham, the dragoman, marshaled them be 
fore us. With all solemnity I set it down here, that 
those horses were the hardest lot I ever did come 
across, and their accoutrements were in exquisite 
keeping with their style. One brute had an eye out ; 
another had his tail sawed off close, like a rabbit, and 
was proud of it; another had a bony ridge running 
from his neck to his tail, like one of those ruined 
aqueducts one sees about Rome, and had a neck on 
him like a bowsprit; they all limped, and had sore 
backs, and likewise raw places and old scales scattered 
about their persons like brass nails in a hair trunk; 
their gaits were marvelous to contemplate, and replete 
with variety under \\ay the procession looked like 
a fleet in a storm. It was fearful. Blucher shook 
his head and said: 

" That dragon is going to get himself into trouble 
fetching these old crates out of the hospital the way 
they are, unless he has got a permit." 

1 said nothing. The display was exactly according 
to the guide-book, and were we not traveling by the 
guide-book ? I selected a certain horse because I 
thought I saw him shy, and I thought that a horse 
that had spirit enough to shy was not to be despised. 
At 6 o clock P. M. we came to a halt here on the 
breezy summit of a shapely mountain overlooking 
the sea, and the handsome valley where dwelt some 
of those enterprising Phoenicians of ancient times 
we read so much about; all around us are what were 

176 The Innocents Abroad 

once the dominions of Hiram, King of Tyre, who 
furnished timber from the cedars of these Lebanon 
hills to build portions of King Solomon s Temple 

Shortly after six, our pack-train arrived. I had 

not seen it before, and a good right I had to be 

astonished. We had nineteen serving men and 

twenty-six pack mules! It was a perfect caravan. 

It looked like one, too, as it wound among the 

rocks. I wondered what in the very mischief we 

wanted with such a vast turnout as that, for eight 

men. 1 wondered awhile, but soon I began to long 

for a tin plate, and some bacon and beans. I had 

camped out many and many a time before, and 

knew just what was coming. I went off, without 

waiting for serving men, and unsaddled my horse, 

and washed such portions of his ribs and his spine 

as projected through his hide, and when I came 

back, behold five stately circus-tents were up tents 

that were brilliant, within, with blue and gold and 

crimson, and all manner of splendid adornment! 

was speechless. Then they brought eight little iron 

bedsteads, and set them up in the tents; they put a 

soft mattress and pillows and good blankets and two 

snow-white sheets on each bed. Next, they rigged 

a table about the center-pole, and on it placed 

pewter pitchers, basins, soap, and the whitest of 

towels one set for each man; they pointed to 

pockets in the tent, and said we could put our small 

trifles in them for convenience, and if we needed 

The Innocents Abroad 177 

pins or such things, they were sticking everywhere. 
Then came the finishing touch they spread carpets 
on the floor! I simply said, ** If you call this 
camping out, all right but it isn t the style / am 
used to; my little baggage that I brought along is 
at a discount." 

It grew dark, and they put candles on the tables 
candles set in bright, new, brazen candlesticks. 
And soon the bell a genuine, simon-pure bell 
rang, and we were invited to ** the saloon." I had 
thought before that we had a tent or so too many, 
but now here was one, at least, provided for; it 
was to be used for nothing but an eating saloon. 
Like the others, it was high enough for a family of 
giraffes to live in, and was very handsome and clean 
and bright-colored within. It was a gem of a place. 
A table for eight, and eight canvas chairs ; a table 
cloth and napkins whose whiteness and whose fine 
ness laughed to scorn the things we were used to in 
the great excursion steamer; knives and forks, soup- 
plates, dinner-plates everything, in the hand 
somest kind of style. It was wonderful ! And they 
call this camping out. Those stately fellows in 
baggy trowscrs and turbaned fezes brought in a 
dinner which consisted of roast mutton, roast 
chicken, roast goose, potatoes, bread, tea, pudding, 
apples, and delicious grapes; the viands were better 
cooked than any we had eaten for weeks, and the 
table made a finer appearance, with its large German 
silver candlesticks and other finery, than any table 

178 The Innocents Abroad 

we had sat down to for a good while, and yet that 
polite dragoman, Abraham, came bowing in and 
apologizing for the whole affair, on account of the 
unavoidable confusion of getting under way for a 
very long trip, and promising to do a great deal 
better in future ! 

It is midnight now, and we break camp at six in 
the morning. 

They call this camping out. At this rate it is a 
glorious privilege to be a pilgrim to the Holy Land. 


WE are camped near Tcmnin-el-Foka a name 
which the boys have simplified a good deal, 
for the sake of convenience in spelling. They call 
it Jacksonville. It sounds a little strangely, here in 
the Valley of Lebanon, but it has the merit of being 
easier to remember than the Arabic name. 

" The night shall be filled with music, 
And the cares that infest the day 
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs, 
And as silently steal away." 

I slept very soundly last night, yet when the 
dragoman s bell rang at half-past five this morning 
and the cry went abroad of " Ten minutes to dress 
for breakfast!" I heard both. It surprised me, 
because I have not heard the breakfast gong in the 
ship for a month, and whenever we have had occa 
sion to fire a salute at daylight, I have only found it 
out in the course of conversation afterward. How 
ever, camping out, even though it be in a gorgeous 
tent, makes one fresh and lively in the morning 
especially if the air you are breathing is the cool, 
fresh air of the mountains. 

180 The Innocents Abroad 

I was dressed within the ten minutes, and came 
out. The saloon tent had been stripped of its sides, 
and had nothing left but its roof; so when we sat 
down to table we could look out over a noble 
panorama of mountain, sea, and hazy valley. And 
sitting thus, the sun rose slowly up and suffused the 
picture with a world of rich coloring. 

Hot mutton-chops, fried chicken, omelettes, fried 
potatoes, and coffee all excellent. This was the 
bill of fare. It was sauced with a savage appetite 
purchased by hard riding the day before, and re 
freshing sleep in a pure atmosphere. As I called 
for a second cup of coffee, I glanced over my 
shoulder, and behold, our white village was gone 
the splendid tents had vanished like magic ! It was 
wonderful how quickly those Arabs had " folded 
their tents"; and it was wonderful, also, how 
quickly they had gathered the thousand odds and 
ends of the camp together and disappeared with 

By half-past six we were under way, and all the 
Syrian world seemed to be under way also. The 
road was filled with mule trains and long processions 
of camels. This reminds me that we have beca 
trying for some time to think what a camel looks 
like, and now we have made it out. When he is 
down on all his knees, flat on his breast to receive 
his load, he looks something like a goose swimming; 
and when he is upright he looks like an ostrich with 
an extra set of legs. Camels are not beautiful, and 

The Innocents Abroad iSt 

their long under lip gives them an exceedingly 
"gallus"* expression. They have immense flat, 
forked cushions of feet, that make a track in the 
dust like a pie with a slice cut out of it. They are 
not particular about their diet. They would eat a 
tombstone if they could bite it. A thistle grows 
about here which has needles on it that would pierce 
through leather, I think; if one touches you, you 
can find relief in nothing but profanity. The camels 
cat these. They show by their actions that they 
enjoy them. I suppose it would be a real treat to a 
camel to have a keg of nails for supper. 

While I am speaking of animals, I will mention 
that I have a horse now by the name of " Jericho." 
He is a mare. I have seen remarkable horses bc- 
lore, but none so remarkable as this. I wanted a 
horse that could shy, and this one fills the bill. I 
had an idea that shying indicated spirit. If I was 
correct, I have got the most spirited horse on earth. 
He shies at everything he comes across, with the 
utmost impartiality. He appears to have a mortal 
dread of telegraph poles, especially; and it is fortu 
nate that these are on both sides of the road, because 
as it is now, I never fall off twice in succession on 
the same side. If I fell on the same side always, it 
would get to be monotonous after a while. This 
creature has scared at everything he has seen to 
day, except a haystack. He walked up to that with 

EKCUSC the slang BO other word will describe k. 

182 The Innocents Abroad 

an intrepidity and a recklessness that were astonish 
ing. And it would fill any one with admiration to 
see how he preserves his self-possession in the pres 
ence of a barley-sack. This dare-devil bravery will 
be the death of this horse some day. 

He is not particularly fast, but I think he will get 
me through the Holy Land. He has only one fault. 
His tail has been chopped off or else he has sat 
down on it too hard, some time or other, and he has 
to fight the flies with his heels. This is all very 
well, but when he tries to kick a fly off the top of his 
head with his hind foot, it is too much variety. He 
is going to get himself into trouble that way some 
day. He reaches around and bites my legs, too. 
I do not care particularly about that, only I do not 
like to see a horse too sociable. 

I think the owner of this prize had a wrong 
opinion about him. He had an idea that he was 
one of those fiery, untamed steeds, but he is not of 
that character. I know the Arab had this idea, be- 
tause when he brought the horse out for inspection 
in Beirout, he kept jerking at the bridle and shout 
ing in Arabic, "Whoa! will you? Do you want to 
run away, you ferocious, beast, and break your 
neck?" when all the time the horse was not doing 
anything in the world, and only looked like he 
wanted to lean up against something and think. 
Whenever he is not shying at things, or reaching 
after a fly, he wants to do that yet. How it would 
surprise his owner to know this. 

The Innocents Abroad 18} 

We have been in a historical section of country all 
day. At noon we camped three hours and took 
luncheon at Mekseh, near the junction of the 
Lebanon Mountains and the Jcbel el Kuneiyiseh, 
and looked down into the immense, level, garden- 
like Valley of Lebanon. To-night we are camping 
near the same valley, and have a very wide sweep of 
it in view. We can see the I >ng, whale-backed 
ridge of Mount Hermon projecting above the eastern 
hills. The " dews of Hermon " are falling upon us 
now, and the tents are almost soaked with them. 

Over the way from us, and higher up the valley 
we can discern, through the glasses, the faint out 
lines of the wonderful ruins of Baalbec, the sup 
posed Baal-Gad of Scripture. Joshua and another 
person were the two spies who were sent into this 
land of Canaan by the children of Israel to report 
upon its character 1 mean they were the spies who 
reported favorably. They took back with them 
some specimens of the grapes of this country, and 
in the children s picture-books they are always 
represented as bearing one monstrous bunch swung 
to a pole between them, a respectable load for a 
pack-train. The Sunday-school books exaggerated 
it a little. The grapes are most excellent to this 
day, but the bunches are not as large as those in 
the pictures. I was surprised and hurt when I saw 
them, because those colossal bunches of grapes 
were one of my most cherished juvenile traditions. 

Joshua reported favorably, and the children of 

184 The Innocents Abroad 

Israel journeyed on, with Moses at the head of the 
general government, and Joshua in command of the 
army of -six hundred thousand fighting men. Of 
women and children and civilians there was a count 
less swarm. Of all that mighty host, none but the 
two faithful spies ever lived to set their feet in the 
Promised Land. They and their descendants wan 
dered forty years in the desert, and then Moses, the 
gifted warrior, poet, statesman, and philosopher, 
went tip into Pisgah and met his mysterious fate. 
Vhere he was buried no man knows for 

" . . . no man dug that sepulchre, 

And no man saw it e er 
For the sons of God upturned the sod 
And laid the dead man there 1 " 

Then Joshua began his terrible raid, and from 
Jericho clear to this Baal-Gad, he swept the land 
like the Genius of Destruction. He slaughtered the 
people, laid waste their soil, and razed their cities to 
the ground. He wasted thirty-one kings also. One 
may call it that, though really it can hardly be 
called wasting them, because there were always 
plenty of kings in those days, and to spare. At 
any rate, he destroyed thirty-one kings, and divided 
up their realms among his Israelites. He divided 
up this valley stretched out here before us, and so 
it was once Jewish territory. The Jews have long 
since disappeared from it, however. 

Back yonder, an hour s journey from here, we 
passed through an Arab village of stone dry -goods 

The Innocents Abroad 18$ 

boxes (they look like that), where Noah s tomb lies 
under lock and key. [Noah built the ark.] Over 
these old hills and valleys the ark that contained all 
that was left of a vanished world once floated. 

I make no apology for detailing the above informa 
tion. It will be news to some of my readers, at 
any rate. 

Noah s tomb is built of stone, and is covered with 
a long stone building. Bucksheesh let us in. The 
building had to be long, because the grave of the 
honored old navigator is two hundred and ten feet 
long itself! It is only about four feet high, though. 
He must have cast a shadow like a lightning-rod. 
The proof that this is the genuine spot where Noah 
was buried can only be doubted by uncommonly 
incredulous people. The evidence is pretty straight. 
Shcm, the son of Noah, was present at the burial, 
and showed the place to his descendants, who trans 
mitted the knowledge to their descendants, and the 
lineal descendants of these introduced themselves to 
us to-day. It was pleasant to make the acquaintance 
of members of so respectable a family. It was a 
thing to be proud of. It was the next thing to 
being acquainted with Noah himself. 

Noah s memorable voyage will always possess a 
living interest for me, henceforward. 

If ever an oppressed race existed, it is this one we 
sec fettered around us under the inhuman tyranny 
of the Ottoman empire. I wish Europe would let 
Russia annihilate Turkey a little not much, but 

186 The Innocents Abroad 

enough to make it difficult to find the place again 
without a divining-rod or a diving-bell. The Syrians 
are very poor, and yet they are ground down by a 
system of taxation that^would drive any other nation 
frantic. Last year their taxes were heavy enough, 
in all conscience but this year they have been 
increased by the addition of taxes that were forgiven 
them in times of famine in former years. On top 
of this the government has levied a tax of one-tenth 
of the whole proceeds of the land. This is only 
half the story. The Pacha of a Pachalic does not 
trouble himself with appointing tax-collectors. He 
figures up what all these taxes ought to amount to 
in a certain district. Then he farms the collection 
out. He calls the rich men together, the highest 
bidder gets the speculation, pays the Pacha on the 
spot, and then sells out to smaller fry, who sell in 
turn to a piratical horde of still smaller fry. These 
latter compel the peasant to bring his little trifle of 
grain to the village, at his own cost. It must be 
weighed, the various taxes set apart, and the re 
mainder returned to the producer. But the collector 
delays this duty day after day, while the producer s 
family are perishing for bread; at last the poor 
wretch, who cannot but understand the game, says, 
Take a quarter take hall take two-thirds if 
you will, and let me go!" It is a most outrageous 
state of things. 

These people are naturally good-hearted and in 
telligent, and, with education and liberty, would be a 

The Innocents Abroad 187 

happy and contented race. They often appeal to 
the stranger to know if the great world will not some 
day come to their relief and save them. The Sultan 
has been lavishing money like water in England and 
Paris, but his subjects are suffering for it now. 

This fashion of camping out bewilders me. We 
have bootjacks and a bathtub nov. and yet all the 
mysteries the pack-mules carry are not revealed. 
What next? 


V V /E had a tedious ride of about five hours, in the 
W sun, across the Valley of Lebanon. It 
proved to be not quite so much of a garden as it 
had seemed from the hillsides. It was a desert, 
weed-grown waste, littered thickly with stones the 
size of a man s fist. Here and there the natives had 
scratched the ground and reared a sickly crop of 
grain, but for the most part the valley was given up 
to a handful of shepherds, whose flocks were doing 
what they honestly could to get a living, but the 
chances were against them. We saw rude piles of 
stones standing near the roadside, at intervals, and 
recognized the custom of marking boundaries which 
obtained in Jacob s time. There were no walls, no 
fences, no hedges nothing to secure a man s pos 
sessions but these random heaps of stones. The 
Israelites held them sacred in the old patriarchal 
times, and these other Arabs, their lineal descend 
ants, do so likewise. An American, of ordinary 
intelligence, would soon widely extend his property, 
at an outlay of mere manual labor, performed at 
wight, under so loose a system of fencing as this. 


The Innocents Abroad 189 

The plows these people use are simply a sharp 
ened stick, such as Abraham plowed with, and they 
still winnow their wheat as he did they pile it on 
the house top, and then toss it by shovelfuls into 
the air until the wind has blown all the chaff away. 
They never invent anything, never learn anything. 

We had a fine race, of a mile, with an Arab 
perched on a camel. Some of the horses were fast, 
and made very good time, but the camel scampered 
by them without any very great effort. The yelling 
and shouting, and whipping and galloping, of all 
parties interested, made it an exhilarating, exciting, 
and particularly boisterous race. 

At eleven o clock, our eyes fell upon the walls 
and columns of Baalbec, a noble ruin whose history 
is a sealed book. It has stood there for thousands 
of years, the wonder and admiration of travelers; 
but who built it, or when it was built, are questions 
that may never be answered. One thing is very 
sure, though. Such grandeur of design, and such 
grace of execution, as one sees in the temples of 
Baalbec, have not been equaled or even approached 
in any work of men s hands that has been built 
within twenty centuries past. 

The great Temple of the Sun, the Temple of 
Jupiter, and several smaller temples, are clustered 
together in the midst of one of these miserable 
Syrian villages, and look strangely enough in such 
plebeian company. These temples are built upon 
massive substructions that might support a world, 

190 The Innocents Abroad 

almost; the materials used are blocks of stone as 
large as an omnibus very few, if any, of them are 
smaller than a carpenter s tool chest and these 
substructions are traversed by tunnels of masonry 
through which a train of cars might pass. With 
such foundations as these, it is little wonder that 
Baalbcc has lasted so long. The Temple of the 
Sun is nearly three hundred feet long and one hun 
dred and sixty feet wide. It had fifty-four columns 
around it, but only six are standing now the 
others lie broken at its base, a confused and pic 
turesque heap. The six columns are perfect, as 
also are their bases, Corinthian capitals and entabla 
ture and six more shapely columns do not exist. 
, The columns and the entablature together are ninety 
feet high a prodigious altitude for shafts of stone 
to reach, truly and yet one only thinks of their 
beauty and symmetry when looking at them; the 
pillars look slender and delicate, the entablature, 
with its elaborate sculpture, looks like rich stucco- 
work. But when you have gazed aloft till your eyes 
are weary, you glance at the great fragments of 
pillars among which you are standing, and find that 
they are eight feet through ; and with them lie beau 
tiful capitals apparently as large as a small cottage ; 
and also single slabs of stone, superbly sculptured, 
that are four or five feet thick, and would com 
pletely cover the floor of any ordinary parlor. You 
wonder where these monstrous things came from, 
and it takes some little time to satisfy yourself that 

The Innocents Abroad 191 

the airy and graceful fabric that towers above your 
head is made up of their mates. It seems too 

The Temple of Jupiter is a smaller ruin than the 
one I have been speaking of, and yet is immense. 
It is in a tolerable state of preservation. One row 
of nine columns stands almost uninjured. They are 
sixty-five feet high and support a sort of porch or 
roof, which connects them with the roof of the 
building. This porch-roof is composed of tremen 
dous slabs of stone, which are so finely sculptured 
on the under side that the work looks like a fresco 
from below. One or two of these slabs had fallen, 
and again I wondered if the gigantic masses of 
carved stone that lay about me were no larger than 
those above my head. Within the temple, the 
ornamentation was elaborate and colossal. What a 
wonder of architectural beauty and grandeur this 
edifice must have been when it was new! And what 
a noble picture it and its statelier companion, with 
the chaos of mighty fragments scattered about them, 
yet makes in the moonlight ! 

I cannot conceive how those immense blocks of 
stone were ever hauled from the quarries, or how 
they were ever raised to the dizzy heights they 
occupy in the temples. And yet these sculptured 
blocks are trifles in size compared with the rough- 
hcwn blocks that form the wide veranda or platform 
which surrounds the Great Temple. One stretch of 
that platform, two hundred feet long, is composed of 

192 The Innocents Abroad 

blocks of stone as large and some of them larger, 
than a street-car. They surmount a wall about ten 
or twelve feet high. I thought those were large 
rocks, but they sank into insignificance compared 
with those which formed another section of the 
platform. These were three in number, and I 
thought that each of them was about as long as 
three street cars placed end to end, though, of 
course, they are a third wider and a third higher 
than a street car. Perhaps two railway freight cars 
of the largest pattern, placed end to end, might 
better represent their siz>;. In combined length 
these three stones stretch nearly two hundred feet; 
they are thirteen feet square ; two of them are sixty- 
four feet long each, and the third is sixty-nine. 
They are built into the massive wall some twenty 
feet above the ground. They are there, but how 
they got there is the question. I have seen the hull 
of a steamboat that was smaller than one of those 
stones. All these great walls are as exact and 
shapely as the flimsy things we build of bricks in 
these days. A race of gods or of giants must have 
inhabited Baalbec many a century ago. Men like 
the men of our day could hardly rear such temples 
as these. 

We went to the quarry from whence the stones of 
Baalbec were taken. It was about a quarter of a 
mile off, and down hill. In a great pit lay the mate 
of the largest stone in the ruins. It lay there just 
as the giants of that old forgotten time had left it 

The Innocents Abroad 193 

when they were called hence just as they had left 
it, to remain for thousands of years, an eloquent 
rebuke unto such as are prone to think slightingly of 
the men who lived before them. This enormous 
block lies there, squared and ready for the builders 
hands a solid mass fourteen feet by seventeen, 
and but a few inches less than seventy feet long ! 
Two buggies could be driven abreast of each other, 
on its surface, from one end of it to the other, and 
leave room enough for a man or two to walk on 
either side. 

One might swear that all the John Smiths and 
George Wilkinsons, and all the other pitiful nobodies 
between Kingdom Come and Baalbec would inscribe 
their poor little names upon the walls of Baalbec s 
magnificent ruins, and would add the town, the 
county, and the state they came from and, swearing 
thus, be infallibly correct. It is a pity some great 
ruin does not fall in and flatten out some of these 
reptiles, and scare their kind out of ever giving their 
names to fame upon any walls or monuments again, 

Properly, with the sorry relics we bestrode, it was 
a three-days journey to Damascus. It was neces 
sary that we should do it in less than two. It was 
necessary because our three pilgrims would not 
travel on the Sabbath day. We were all perfectly 
willing to keep the Sabbath day, but there are times 
when to keep the letter of a sacred law whose spirit is 
righteous, becomes a sin, and this was a case in 

194 The Innocents Abroad 

point. We pleaded for the tired, ill-treated horses, 
and tried to show that their faithful service deserved 
kindness in return, and their hard lot compassion. 
But when did ever self-righteousness know the senti 
ment of pity? What were a few long hours added 
to the hardships of some overtaxed brutes when 
weighed against the peril of those human souls? It 
was not the most promising party to travel with and 
hope to gain a higher veneration for religion through 
the example of its devotees. We said the Saviour, 
who pitied dumb beasts and taught that the ox must, 
be rescued from the mire even on the Sabbath day, 
would not have counseled a forced march like this. 
We said the ** long trip " was exhausting and there 
fore dangerous in the blistering heats of summer, 
even when the ordinary days stages were traversed, 
and if we persisted in this hard march, some of us 
might be stricken down with the fevers of the 
country in consequence of it. Nothing could move 
the pilgrims. They must press on. Men might 
die, horses might die, but they must enter upon 
holy soil next week, with no Sabbath-breaking stain 
upon them. Thus they were willing to commit a 
sin against the spirit of religious law, in order that 
they might preserve the letter of it. It was not 
worth while to tell them "the letter kills." I am 
talking now about personal friends; men whom I 
like; men who are good citizens; who are honor 
able, upright, conscientious: but whose idea of the 
Saviour s religion seems to me distorted. They 

The Innocents Abroad 19$ 

lecture our shortcomings unsparingly, and every 
night they call us together and read to us chapters 
from the Testament that are full of gentleness, of 
charity, and of tender mercy; and then all the next 
day they stick to their saddles clear up to the sum 
mits of these rugged mountains, and clear down 
again. Apply the Testament s gentleness, and 
chanty, and tender mercy to a toiling, worn, and 
weary horse? Nonsense these are for God s 
humaa creatures, not His dumb ones. What the 
pilgrims choose to do, respect for their almost 
sacred character demands that I should allow to pass 
but I would so like to catch any other member of 
the party riding his horse up one of these exhaust 
ing hills once ! 

We have given the pilgrims a good many exam 
ples that might benefit them, but it is virtue thrown 
away. They have never heard a cross word out of 
our lips toward each other but they have quarreled 
once or twice. We love to hear them at it, after 
they have been lecturing us. The very first thing 
they did, coming ashore at Beirout, was to quarrel 
in the boat. I have said I like them, and I do like 
them but every time they read me a scorcher of a 
lecture I mean to talk back in print. 

Not content with doubling the legitimate stages, 
they switched off the main road and went away out 
of the way to visit an absurd fountain called Figia, 
because Balaam s ass had drank there once. So we 
journeyed on, through the terrible hills and deserts 

196 The Innocents Abroad 

and the roasting sun, and then far into the night, 
seeking the honored pool of Balaam s ass, the patron 
saint of all pilgrims like us. I find no entry but this 
in my note-book: 

" Rode to-day, altogether, thirteen hours, through deserts, partly, 
and partly over barren, unsightly hills, and latterly through wild, rocky 
scenery, and camped at about eleven o clock at night on the banks of a 
limpid stream, near a Syrian village. Do not know its name do not 
wish to know it want to go to bed. Two horses lame (mine and 
Jack s) and the others worn oat. Jack and I walked three or four 
miles, over the hills, and led the horses. Fun but of a mild type." 

Twelve or thirteen hours in the saddle, even in a 
Christian land and a Christian climate, and on a 
good horse, is a tiresome journey; but in an oven 
like Syria, in a ragged spoon of a saddle that slips 
fore-and-aft, and " thort-ships," and every way, and 
on a horse that is tired and lame, and yet must be 
whipped and spurred with hardly a moment s cessa 
tion all day long, till the blood comes from his side, 
and your conscience hurts you every time you 
strike, if you are half a man, it is a journey to be 
remembered in bitterness of spirit and execrated 
with emphasis for a liberal division of a man s life 


HPKE next day was an outrage upon men and 
horses both. It was another thirteen-hour 
stretch (including an hour s ** nooning "). It was 
over the barrenest chalk-hills and through the 
baldest caftons that even Syria can show. The heat 
quivered in the air everywhere. In the caflons we 
almost smothered in the baking atmosphere. On 
high ground, the reflection from the chalk-hills was 
blinding. It was cruel to urge the crippled horses, 
but it had to be done in order to make Damascus 
Saturday night. We saw ancient tombs and temples 
of fanciful architecture carved out of the solid rock 
high up in the face of precipices above our heads, 
but we had neither time nor strength to climb up 
there and examine them. The terse language of my 
note-book will answer for the rest of this day s ex 

Broke camp at 7 A. M., and made a ghastly trip through the Zeb 
Dana valley and the rough mountains horses limping and that Arab 
screech-owi that does most of the singing and carries the water-skins, 
always a thousand miles ahead of course, and no water to drink will 
he HfVfr die? Beautiful stream in a chasm, lined thick with pome 
granate, fig, olive, and quince orchards, and nooned an hour at the 


193 The Innocents Abroad 

celebrated Balaam s Ass Fountain of Figia, second in size in Syria, and 
the coldest water out of Siberia guide-books do not say Balaam s 
ass ever drank there somebody bren imposing on the pilgrims, may 
be. Bathed in it Jack and I. Only a second ice water. It is the 
principal source of the Abana river only one-half mile down to where 
it joins. Beautiful place giant trees all around so shady and cool, 
if one could keep awake vast stream gushes straight out from under 
Ihe mountain in a torrent. Over it is a very ancient ruin, with no known 
history supposed to have been for the worship of the deity of the 
fountain or Balaam s ass or somebody. Wretched nest of human vermin 
alxmt the fountain rags, dirt, sunken cheeks, pallor of sickness, sores, 
projecting bones, dull, aching misery in their eyes and ravenous hunger 
speaking from every eloquent fiber and muscle from head to foot. How 
they sprang upon a bone, how they crunched the bread we gave them ! 
Such as these to swarm about one and watch every bite he lakes with 
greedy looks, and swallow unconsciously every time he swallows, as if 
they half fancied the precious morsel went down their own throats hurry 
up the caravan ! 1 never shall enjoy a meal in this distressful country. 
To think of eating three times every day under such circumstances for 
three weeks yet it is worse punishment than riding all day in the sun. 
There are sixteen starving babies from one to six years old in the party, 
and their legs are no larger than broom handles. Left the fountain at 
I P. M. (the fountain took us at least two hours out of our way), and 
reached Mahomet s lookout perch, over Damascus, in time to get a 
good long look before it was necessary to move on. Tired? Ask of 
the winds that far away with fragments strewed the sea. 

As the glare of day mellowed into twilight, we 
looked down upon a picture which is celebrated all 
over the world. I think I have read about four 
hundred times that when Mahomet was a simple 
camel-driver he reached this point and looked down 
upon Damascus for the first time, and then made a 
certain renowned remark. He said man could enter 
only one paradise; he preferred to go to the one 
above. So he sat down there and feasted his eyes 
upon the earthly paradise of Damascus, and the 

The Innocents Abroad 199 

wont away without entering its gates. They have 
erected a tower on the hill to mark the spot where 
he stood. 

Damascus is beautiful from the mountain. It is 
beautiful even to foreigners accustomed to luxuriant 
vegetation, and I can easily understand how un 
speakably beautiful it must be to eyes that are only 
used to the God-forsaken barrenness and desolation 
of Syria. I should think a Syrian would go wild 
with ecstasy when such a picture bursts upon him 
for the first time. 

From his high perch, one sees before him and 
below him a wall of dreary mountains, shorn of 
vegetation, glaring fiercely in the sun; it fences in 
a level desert of yellow sand, smooth as velvet and 
threaded far away with fine lines that stand for roads, 
and dotted with creeping mites we know are camel 
trains and journeying men; right in the midst of the 
desert is spread a billowy expanse of green foliage; 
and nestling in its heart sits the great white city, like 
an island of pearls and opals gleaming out of a sea 
of emeralds. This is the picture you see spread far 
below you, with distance to soften it, the sun to 
glorify it, strong contrasts tc heighten the effects, 
and over it and about it a drowsing air of repose to 
spiritualize it and make- it seem rather a beautiful 
estray from the mysterious worlds we visit in dreams 
than a substantial tenant of our coarse, dull globe. 
And when you think of the leagues of blighted, 
blasted, sandy, rocky, sunburnt, ugly, dreary, in- 

200 The Innocents Abroad 

famous country you have ridden over to get here, 
you think it is the most beautiful, beautiful picture 
that ever human eyes rested upon in all the broad 
universe! If I were to go to Damascus again, I 
would camp on Mahomet s hill about a week, and 
then go away. There is no need to go inside the 
walls. The Prophet was wise without knowing it 
when he decided not to go down into the paradise 
of Damascus. 

There is an honored old tradition that the immense 
garden which Damascus stands in was the Garden of 
Eden, and modern writers have gathered up many 
chapters of evidence tending to show that it really 
was the Garden of Eden, and that the rivers Pharpar 
and Abana are the "two rivers" that watered 
Adam s Paradise. It may be so, but it is not para 
dise now, and one would be as happy outside of it 
as he would be likely to be within. It is so crooked 
and cramped and dirty that one cannot realize that 
he is in the splendid city he saw from the hilltop. 
The gardens are hidden by high mud-walls, and the 
paradise is become a very sink of pollution and un- 
comeliness. Damascus has plenty of clear, pure 
water in it, though, and this is enough, of itself, to 
make an Arab think it beautiful and blessed. Water 
is scarce in blistered Syria. We run railways by 
our large cities in America; in Syria they curve the 
roads so as to make them run by the meager little 
puddles they call " fountains," and which are not 
found oftener on a journey than every four hours. 

The Innocents Abroad 201 

But the "rivers" of Pharpar and Abana of Scrip 
ture (mere creeks) run through Damascus, and so 
every house and every garden have their sparkling 
fountains and rivulets of water. With her forest of 
foliage and her abundance of water, Damascus must 
be a wonder of wonders to the Bedouin from the 
deserts. Damascus is simply an oasis that is 
what it is. For four thousand years its waters have 
not gone dry or its fertility failed. Now we can 
understand why the city has existed so lorg. It 
could not die. So long as its waters remain to it 
away out there in the midst of that howling desert, 
so long will Damascus live to bless the sight of the 
tired and thirsty wayfarer. 

" Though old as history itself, thou art fresh as the breath of spring, 
blooming as thine own rose-bud, and fragrant as thine own orange 
flower, O Damascus, pearl of the East ! " 

Damascus dates back anterior to the days of 
Abraham, and is the oldest city in the world. It 
was founded by Uz, the grandson of Noah. "The 
early history of Damascus is shrouded in the mists 
of a hoary antiquity." Leave the matters written 
of in the first eleven chapters of the Old Testament 
out, and no recorded event has occurred in the world 
but Damascus was in existence to receive the news 
of it. Go back as far as you will into the vague 
past, there was always a Damascus. In the writings 
of every century for more than four thousand years, 
its name has been mentioned and its praises sung. 
To Damascus, years are only moments, decades are 

202 The innocents Abroad 

only flitting trifles of time. She measures time, not 
by days and months and years, but by the empires 
she has seen rise and prosper and crumble to ruin. 
She is a type of immortality. She saw the founda 
tions of Baalbec, and Thebes, and Ephesus laid; 
she saw these villages grow into mighty cities, and 
amaze the world with their grandeur and she has 
lived to see them desolate, deserted, and given over 
to the owls and the bats. She saw the Israclitish 
empire exalted, and she saw it annihilated. She 
saw Greece rise, and flourish two thousand years, 
and die. In her old age she saw Rome built; she 
saw it overshadow the world with its power; she saw 
it perish. The few hundreds of years of Genoese 
and Venetian might and splendor were, to grave old 
Damascus, only a trifling scintillation hardly worth 
remembering. Damascus has seen all that has ever 
occurred on earth, and still she lives. She has 
looked upon the dry bones of a thousand empires, 
and will see the tombs of a thousand more before 
she dies. Though another claims the name, old 
Damascus is by right the Eternal City. 

We reached the city gates just at sundown. They 
do say that one can get into any walled city of 
Syria, after night, for bucksheesh, except Damascus. 
But Damascus, with its four thousand years of re 
spectability in the world, has many old fogy notions. 
There are no street lamps there, and the law compels 
all who go abroad at night to carry lanterns, just as 
was the case in old days, when heroes and heroines 

The innocents Abroad 20) 

of the Arabian Nights walked the streets of Damas 
cus, or flew away toward Bagdad on enchanted 

It was fairly dark a few minutes after we got 
within the wall, and we rode long distances through 
wonderfully crooked streets, eight to ten feet wide, 
and shut in on either side by the high mud walls of 
the gardens. At last we got to where lanterns 
could be seen flitting about here and there, and 
knew we were in the midst of the curious old city. 
In a little narrow street, crowded with our pack- 
mules and with a swarm of uncouth Arabs, we 
alighted, and through a kind of a hole in the wall en 
tered the hotel. We stood in a great flagged court, 
with flowers and citron trees about us, and a huge 
tank in the center that was receiving the waters of 
many pipes. We crossed the court and entered the 
rooms prepared to receive four of us. In a large 
marble-paved recess between the two rooms was a 
tank of clear, cool water, which was kept running 
over all the time by the streams that were pouring 
into it from half a dozen pipes. Nothing, in this 
acorching, desolate land could look so refreshing as 
this pure water flashing in the lamplight; nothing 
could look so beautiful, nothing could sound so 
delicious as this mimic rain to ears long unaccus 
tomed to sounds of such a nature. Our rooms were 
large, comfortably furnished, and even had their 
floors clothed with soft, cheerful-tinted carpets. It 
was a pleasant thing to see a carpet again, for if 

204 The Innocents Abroad 

there is anything drearier than the tomb-like, stone- 
paved parlors and bedrooms of Europe and Asia, I 
do not know what it is. They make one think of 
the grave all the time. A very broad, gaily capari 
soned divan, some twelve or fourteen feet long, ex 
tended across one side of each room, and opposite 
were single beds with spring mattresses. There were 
great looking-glasses and marble-top tables. All 
this luxury was as grateful to systems and senses 
worn out with an exhausting day s travel, as it was 
unexpected for one cannot tell what to expect in 
a Turkish city of even a quarter of a million inhabit 

I do not know, but I think they used that tank 
between the rooms to draw drinking water from; 
that did not occur to me, however, until I had 
dipped my baking head far down into its cool 
depths. I thought of it then, and, superb as the 
bath was, I was sorry I had taken it, and was about 
to go and explain to the landlord. But a finely 
curled and scented poodle dog frisked up and nipped 
the calf of my leg just then, and before I had time 
to think I had soused him to the bottom of the tank, 
and when I saw a servant coming with a pitcher I 
went off and left the pup trying to climb out and not 
succeeding very well. Satisfied revenge was all I 
needed to make me perfectly happy, and when I 
walked in to supper that first night in Damascus I 
was in that condition. We lay on those divans 
a long time, after supper, smoking narghilis and 

The Innocents ADroad 205 

long-stemmed chibouks, and talking about the dread 
ful ride of the day, and I knew then what I had 
sometimes known before that it is worth while to get 
tired out, because one so enjoys resting afterward. 

In the morning we sent for donkeys. It is worthy 
of note that we had to send for these things. I said 
Damascus was an old fossil, and she is. Anywhere 
else we would have been assailed by a clamorous 
army of donkey-drivers, guides, peddlers, and beg 
gars but in Damascus they so hate the very sight 
of a foreign Christian that they want no intercourse 
whatever with him; only a year or two ago, his 
person was not always safe in Damascus streets. It 
is the most fanatical Mohammedan purgatory out of 
Arabia. Where you see one green turban of a Hadji 
elsewhere (the honored sign that my lord has made 
the pilgrimage to Mecca), I think you will see a 
dozen in Damascus. The Damascenes are the ugli 
est, wickedest looking villains we have seen. All 
the veiled women we had seen yet, nearly, left their 
eyes exposed, but numbers of these in Damascus 
completely hid the face under a close-drawn black 
veil that made the woman look like a mummy. If 
ever we caught an eye exposed it was quickly hidden 
from our contaminating Christian vision ; the beggars 
actually passed us by without demanding buck- 
sheesh ; the merchants in the bazaars did not hold 
up their goods and cry out eagerly, " Hey, John!" 
or * Look this, Howajjil" On the contrary, they 
only scowled at us and said never a word. 

206 The Innocents Abroad 

The narrow streets swarmed like a hive with men 
and women in strange Oriental costumes, and our 
small donkeys knocked them right and left as we 
plowed through them, urged on by the merciless 
donkey-boys. These persecutors run after the ani 
mals, shouting and goading them for hours together; 
they keep the donkey in a gallop always, yet never 
get tired themselves or fall behind. The donkeys 
fell down and spilt us over their heads occasionally, 
but there was nothing for it but to mount and hurry 
on again. We were banged against sharp corners, 
loaded porters, camels, and citizens generally; and 
we were so taken up with looking out for collisions 
and casualties that we had no chance to look about 
us at all. We rode half through the city and through 
the famous " street which is called Straight " with 
out seeing anything, hardly. Our bones were nearly 
knocked out of joint, we were wild with excitement, 
and our sides ached with the jolting we had suffered. 
I do not like riding in the Damascus street cars. 

We were on our way to the reputed houses of 
Judas and Ananias. About eighteen or nineteen 
hundred years ago, Saul, a native of Tarsus, was 
particularly bitter against the new sect called Chris 
tians, and he left Jerusalem and started across the 
country on a furious crusade against them. He 
went forth * breathing threatenings and slaughter 
against the disciples of the Lord." 

"And as he joorneycd, he came near Damascus, and suddenly ther 
biucd round about him a light from heaven: 

The Innocents Abroad 20J 

And he fell to the earth and beard a voice saying unto him, Saul, 
Saul, why persecutes! thou me? 

"And when he knev that it was Jesus that spoke to him he trem 
bled, and was astonishetl, and said, * Lord, what wilt thou have me 
to do? " 

He was told to arise and go into the ancient city and 
one would tell him what to do. In the meantime his 
soldiers stood speechless and awe-stricken, for they 
heard the mysterious voice but saw no man. Saul 
rose up and found that that fierce supernatural light 
had destroyed his sight, and he was blind, so " they 
led him by the hand and brought him to Damascus." 
He was converted. 

Paul lay three days blind, in the house of Judas, 
and during that time he neither ate nor drank. 

There came a voice to a citizen of Damascus, 
named Ananias, saying, "Arise, and go into the 
street which is called Straight, and inquire at the 
house of Judas, for one called Saul, of Tarsus; for 
behold, he prayeth." 

Ananias did not wish to go at first, for he had 
heard of Saul before, and he had his doubts about 
that style ot a "chosen vessel " to preach the gos 
pel of peace. However, in obedience to orders, he 
went into the " street called Straight " (how he ever 
found his way into it, and after he did, how he evcf 
found his way out of it again, are mysteries only to 
be accounted for by the fact that he was acting under 
Divine inspiration). He found Paul and restored 
him, and ordained him a preacher; and from this 
old house we had hunted up in the street which is 


208 The Innocents Abroad 

miscalled Straight, he had started out on that bold 
missionary career which he prosecuted till his death. 

It was not the house of the disciple who sold the 
Master for thirty pieces of silver. I make this ex 
planation in justice to Judas, who was a far different 
sort of man from the person just referred to. A 
very different style of man, and lived in a very good 
house. It is a pity we do not know more about him. 

I have given, in the above paragraphs, some more 
information for people who will not read Bible 
history until they are defrauded into it by some 
such method as this. I hope that no friend of 
progress and education will obstruct or interfere 
with my peculiar mission. 

The street called Straight is straighter than a cork 
screw, but not as straight as a rainbow. St. Luke 
is careful not to commit himself; he does not say it 
is the street which is straight, but the ** street which 
\scallcd Straight." It is a fine piece of irony; it 
is the only facetious remark in the Bible, I believe. 
We traversed the street called Straight a good way, 
and then turned off and called at the reputed house 
of Ananias. There is small question that a part of 
the original house is there still ; it is an old room 
twelve or fifteen feet under ground, and its masonry 
is evidently ancient. If Ananias did not live there 
in St. Paul s time, somebody else did, which is just 
as well. I took a drink out of Ananias well, and, 
singularly enough, the water was just as fresh as if 
the well had been dug yesterday. 

The Innocents Abroad 209 

We went out toward the north end of the city to 
see the place where the disciples let Paul down over 
die Damascus wall at dead of night for he preached 
Christ so fearlessly in Damascus that the people 
sought to kill him, just as they would to-day for the 
same offense, and he had to escape and flee to 

Then we called at the tomb of Mahomet s children 
and at a tomb which purported to be that of St 
George who killed the dragon, and so on out to the 
hollow place under a rock where Paul hid during his 
flight till his pursuers gave him up; and to the 
mausoleum of the five thousand Christians who were 
massacred in Damascus in 1861 by the Turks. They 
say those narrow streets ran blood for several days, 
and that men, women, and children were butchered 
indiscriminately and left to rot by hundreds all 
through the Christian quarter; they say, further, 
that the stench was dreadful. All the Christians 
who could get away fled from the city, and the 
Mohammedans would not defile their hands by bury- 
ing the "infidel dogs." The thirst for blood ex 
tended to the high lands of Hermon and Anti-Leba 
non, and in a shoit time twenty-five thousand more 
Christians were massacred and their possessions laid 
waste. How they hate a Christian in Damascus ! 
and pretty much all over Turkeydom as well. And 
how they will pay for it when Russia turns her guns 
upon them again ! 

It is soothing to the heart to abuse England and 

210 The Innocents Abroad 

France for interposing to save the Ottoman Empire 
from the destruction it has so richly deserved for a 
thousand years. It hurts my vanity to see these 
pagans refuse to eat of food that has been cooked 
for us ; or to eat from a dish we have eaten from ; 
or to drink from a goatskin which we have polluted 
with our Christian lips, except by filtering the water 
through a rag which they put over the mouth of it 
or through a sponge ! I never disliked a Chinaman 
as I do these degraded Turks and Arabs, and, when 
Russia is ready to war with them again, I hope Eng 
land and France will not find it good breeding or 
good judgment to interfere. 

In Damascus they think there are no such rivers 
in all the world as their little Abana and Pharpar. 
The Damascenes have always thought that way. 
In 2 Kings, chapter v, Naaman boasts extravagantly 
about them. That was three thousand years ago. 
He says: "Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of 
Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel ? May 
I not wasn in them and be clean?" But some of 
my readers have forgotten who Naaman was, long 
ago. Naaman was the commander of the Syrian 
armies. He was the favorite of the king and lived 
in great state. "He was a mighty man of valor, 
but he was a leper." Strangely enough, the house 
they point out to you now as his has been turned 
into a leper hospital, and the inmates expose their 
horrid deformities and hold up their hands and beg 
for backsheesh when a stranger enters. 

The Innocents Abroad 211 

One cannot appreciate the horror of this disease 
until he looks upon it in all its ghastliness, in Naa- 
man s ancient dwelling in Damascus. Bones all 
twisted out of shape, great knots protruding from 
face and body, joints decaying and dropping away 
horrible ! 


PHE last twenty-four hours we stayed in Damas 
cus I lay prostrate with a violent attack of 
cholera, or cholera morbus, and therefore had a 
good chance and a good excuse to lie there on that 
wide divan and take an honest rest. I had nothing 
to do but listen to the pattering of the fountains and 
take medicine and throw it up again. It was 
dangerous recreation, but it was pleasanter than 
traveling in Syria. I had plenty of snow from 
Mount Hermon, and, as it would not stay on my 
stomach, there was nothing to interfere with my 
eating it there was always room for more. I 
enjoyed myself very well. Syrian travel has its 
interesting features, like travel in any other part of 
the world, and yet to break your leg or have the 
cholera adds a welcome variety to it. 

We left Damascus at noon and rode across the 
plain a couple of hours, and then the party stopped 
a while in the shade of some fig-trees to give me a 
chance to rest. It was the hottest day we had seen 
yet the sun-flames shot down like the shafts of fire 
that stream out before a blowpipe ; the rays seemed 


The Innocents Abroad 21} 

to fall in a steady deluge on the head and pass down 
ward like rain from a roof. I imagined I could dis 
tinguish between the floods of rays I thought I 
could tell when each flood struck my head, when it 
reached my shoulders, and when the next one came. 
It was terrible. All the desert glared so fiercely 
that my eyes were swimming in tears all the time. 
The boys had white umbrellas heavily lined with 
dark green. They were a priceless blessing. I 
thanked fortune that I had one, too, notwithstanding 
it was packed up with the baggage and was ten miles 
ahead. It is madness to travel in Syria without an 
umbrella. They told me in Beirout (these people 
who always gorge you with advice) that it was mad 
ness to travel in S^ria without an umbrella. It was 
on this account that I got one. 

But, honestly, I think an umbrella is a nuisance 
anywhere when its business is to keep the sun off. 
No Arab wears a brim to his fez, or uses an umbrella, 
or anything to shade his eyes or his face, and he always 
looks comfortable and proper in the sun. But of 
all the ridiculous sights I ever have seen, our party 
of eight is the most so they do cut such an out 
landish figure. They travel single file; they all wear 
the endless white rag of Constantinople wrapped 
round and round their hats and dangling down their 
backs; they all wear thick green spectacles, with 
side-glasses to them ; they all hold white umbrellas, 
lined with green, over their heads; without excep 
tion their stirrups are too short they are the very 

214 The Innocents Abroad 

worst gang of horsemen on earth ; their animals to 
a horse trot fearfully hard and when they get 
strung out one after the other, glaring straight ahead 
and breathless; bouncing high and out of turn, all 
along the line ; knees well up and stiff, elbows flap 
ping like a rooster s that is going to crow, and the 
long file of umbrellas popping convulsively up and 
down when one sees this outrageous picture ex 
posed to the light of day, he is amazed that the gods 
don t get out their thunderbolts and destroy them 
off the face of the earth ! I do I wonder at it. I 
wouldn t let any such caravan go through a country 
of mine. 

And when the sun drops below the horizon and 
the boys close their umbrellas and put them under 
their arms, it is only a variation of the picture, not 
a modification of its absurdity. 

But maybe you cannot see the wild extravagance 
of my panorama. You could if you were here. 
Here, you feel all the time just as if you were living 
about the year 1200 before Christ or back to the 
patriarchs or forward to the New Era. The 
scenery of the Bible is about you the customs of 
the patriarchs are around you the same people, in 
the same flowing robes, and in sandals, cross your 
path the same long trains of stately camels go and 
come the same impressive religious solemnity and 
silence rest upon the desert and the mountains that 
were upon them in the remote ages of antiquity, and 
behold, intruding upon a scene like this, comes this 

The Innocents Abroad 215 

fantastic mob of green-spectacled Yanks, with their 
flapping elbows and bobbing umbrellas! It is 
Daniel in the lion s den with a green cotton umbrella 
under his arm, all over again. 

My umbrella is with the baggage, and so are my 
green spectacles and there they shall stay. I will 
not use them. I will show some respect for the 
eternal fitness of things. It will be bad enough to 
get sunstruck, without looking ridiculous into the 
bargain. If I fall, let me fall bearing about me the 
semblance of a Christian, at least. 

Three or four hours out from Damascus we passed 
the spot where Saul was so abruptly converted, and 
from this place we looked back over the scorching 
desert, and had our last glimpse of beautiful Damas 
cus, decked in its robes of shining green. After 
nightfall we reached our tents, just outside of the 
nasty Arab village of Jonesborough. Of course the 
real name of the place is El something or other, but 
the boys still refuse to recognize the Arab names or 
try to pronounce them. When I say that that village 
is of the usual style, I mean to insinuate that all 
Syrian villages within fifty miles of Damascus are 
alike so much alike that it would require more 
than human intelligence to tell wherein one differed 
from another. A Syrian village is a hive of huts 
one story high (the height of a man), and as square 
as a drygoods box ; it is mud-plastered all over, flat 
roof and all, and generally whitewashed after a fash 
ion. The same roof often extends over half the 

216 The Innocents Abroad 

town, covering many of the streets, which are gener 
ally about a yard wide. When you ride through one 
of these villages at noonday, you first meet a melan 
choly dog, that looks up at you and silently begs that 
you won t run over him, but he does not offer to get 
out of the way; next you meet a young boy without 
any clothes on, and he holds out his hand and says 
* Bucksheesh ! " he don t really expect a cent, but 
then he learned to say that before he learned to say 
mother, and now he cannot break himself of it ; next 
you meet a woman with a black veil drawn closely 
over her face, and her bust exposed ; finally, you 
come to several sore-eyed children and children in 
all stages of mutilation and decay; and sitting 
humbly in the dust, and all fringed with filthy 
rags, is a poor devil whose arms and legs are gnarled 
and twisted like grapevines. These are all the 
people you are likely to see. The balance of the 
population are asleep within doors, or abroad tend 
ing goats in the plains and on the hillsides. The vil 
lage is built on some consumptive little water-course, 
and about it is a little fresh-looking vegetation. Be 
yond this charmed circle, for miles on every side, 
stretches a weary desert of sand and gravel, which 
produces a gray bunchy shrub like sage brush. A 
Syrian village is the sorriest sight in the world, and 
its surroundings are eminently in keeping with it. 

I would not have gone into this dissertation upon 
Syrian villages but for the fact that Nimrod, the 
Mighty Hunter of Scriptural notoriety, is buried in 

The Innocents Abroad 217 

Jonesborough, and I wished the public to know 
about how he is located. Like Homer, he is said to 
be buried in many other places, but this is the only 
true and genuine place his ashes inhabit. 

When the original tribes were dispersed, more than 
four thousand years ago, Nimrod and a large party 
traveled chree or four hundred miles, and settled 
where the great city of Babylon afterwards stood. 
Nimrod built that city. He also began to build the 
famous Tower of Babel, but circumstances over 
which he had no control put it out of his power to 
finish it. He ran it up eight stories high, however, 
and two of them still stand at this day, a colossal 
mass of brickwork, rent down the center by earth 
quakes, and seared and vitrified by the lightnings of 
an angry God. But the vast ruin will still stand for 
ages, to shame the puny labors of these modern gen 
erations of men. Its huge compartments are ten 
anted by owls and lions, and old Nimrod lies neglected 
in this wretched village, far from the scene of his 
grand enterprise. 

We left Jonesborough very early in the morning, 
and rode forever and forever and forever, it seemed 
to me, over parched deserts and rocky hills, hungry, 
and with no water to drink. We had drained the 
goat-skins dry in a little while. At noon we halted 
before the wretched Arab town of El Yuba Dam, 
perched on the side of a mountain, but the dragoman 
said if we applied there for water we would be attacked 
by the whole tribe, for they did not love Christians. 

218 The Innocents Abroad 

We had to journey on. Two hours later we reached 
the foot of a tall isolated mountain, which is crowned 
by the crumbling castle of Banias, the stateliest ruin 
of that kind on earth, no doubt. It is a thousand 
feet long and two hundred wide, all of the most sym 
metrical, and at the same time the most ponderous, 
masonry. The massive towers and bastions are more 
than thirty feet high, and have been sixty. From 
the mountain s peak its broken turrets rise above the 
groves of ancient oaks and olives, and look wonder 
fully picturesque. It is of such high antiquity that 
no man knows who built it or when it was built. It 
is utterly inaccessible, except in one place, where a 
bridle-path winds upward among the solid rocks to 
the old portcullis. The horses hoofs have bored 
holes in these rocks to the depth of six inches during 
the hundreds and hundreds of years that the castle 
was garrisoned. We wandered for three hours among 
the chambers and crypts and dungeons of the 
fortress, and trod where the mailed heels of many a 
knighUy Crusader had rang, and where Phoenician 
heroes had walked ages before them. 

We wondered how such a solid mass of masonry 
could be affected even by an earthquake, and could 
not understand what agency had made Banias a ruin ; 
but we found the destroyer, after a while, and then 
our wonder was increased tenfold. Seeds had fallen 
in crevices in the vast walls ; the seeds had sprouted ; 
the tender, insignificant sprouts had hardened ; they 
grew larger and larger, and by a steady, impercepti- 

The Innocents Abroad 219 

olc pressure forced the great stones apart, and now 
are bringing sure destruction upon a giant work that 
has even mocked the earthquakes to scorn ! Gnarled 
and twisted trees spring from the old walls every 
where, and beautify and overshadow the gray battle 
ments with a wild luxuriance of foliage. 

From these old towers we looked down upon a 
broad, far-reaching green plain, glittering with the 
pools and rivulets which are the sources of the sacred 
river Jordan. It was a grateful vision, after so much 

And as the evening drew near, we clambered down 
the mountain, through groves of the Biblical oaks of 
Hashan \for we were just stepping over the bordci 
and entering the long-sought Holy Land), and at its 
extreme foot, toward the wide valley, we entered n. 
little execrable village of Bam as and camped in a great 
grove of olive trees near a torrent of sparkling water 
whose banks are arrayed in fig-trees, pomegranates, 
and oleanders in full leaf. Barring the proximity of 
the village, it is a sort of paradise. 

The very first thing one feels like doing when he 
gets into camp, all burning up and dusty, is to hunt 
up a bath. We followed the stream up to where it 
gushes out of the mountain side, three hundred yards 
from the tents, and took a bath that was so icy that 
if I did not know this was the main source of the 
sacred river, I would expect harm to come of it. It 
was bathing at noonday in the chilly source of the 
Abana, " River of Damascus," that gave me the 

220 The Innocents Abroad 

cholera, so Dr. B. said. However, it generally 
does give me the cholera to take a bath. 

The incorrigible pilgrims have come in with their 
pockets full of specimens broken from the ruins. I 
wish this vandalism could be stopped. They broke 
off fragments from Noah s tomb; from the exquisite 
sculptures of the temples of Baalbec; from the 
houses of Judas and Ananias, in Damascus; from 
the tomb of Nimrod the Mighty Hunter in Jones- 
borough ; from the worn Greek and Roman inscrip 
tions set in the hoary walls of the castle of Banias ; 
and now they have been hacking and chipping these 
old arches here that Jesus looked upon in the flesh. 
Heaven protect the Sepulchre when this tribe invades 
Jerusalem 1 

The ruins here are not very interesting. There 
are the massive walls of a great square building that 
was once the citadel ; there are many ponderous old 
arches that are so smothered with debris that they 
barely project above the ground ; there are heavy 
walled sewers through which the crystal brook of 
which Jordan is born still runs; in the hillside are 
the substructions of a costly marble temple that 
Herod the Great built here patches of its handsome 
mosaic floors still remain ; there is a quaint old stone 
bridge that was here before Herod s time, may be; 
scattered everywhere, in the paths and in the woods, 
are Corinthian capitals, broken porphyry pillars, and 
little fragments of sculpture; and up yonder in the 
precipice where the fountain gushes out, are well- 

The Innocents Abroad 221 

worn Greek inscriptions over niches in the rock where 
in ancient times the Greeks, and after them the 
Romans, worshiped the sylvan god Pan. But trees 
and bushes grow above many of these ruins now; 
the miserable huts of a little crew of filthy Arabs 
are perched upon the broken masonry of antiquity, 
the whole place has a sleepy, stupid, rural look 
about it, and one can hardly bring himself to believe 
that a busy, substantially built city once existed here, 
even two thousand years ago. The place was never 
theless the scene of an event whose effects have added 
page after page and volume after volume to the 
world s history. For in this place Christ stood when 
He said to Peter: 

"Thou art Tcter; and upon this rock will I build my church, and 
the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thec 
the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven; and whatsoever thou shall bind 
on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatsoever thou shall loose on 
earth shall be loosed in beavcn." 

On these little sentences have been built up the 
mighty edifice of the- Church of Rome ; in them lie 
the authority for the imperial power of the Popes 
over temporal affairs, and their godlike power to 
curse a soul or wash it white from sin. To sustain 
the position of " the only true Church," which Rome 
claims was thus conferred upon her, she has fought 
and labored and struggled for many a century, and 
will continue to keep herself busy in the same work 
to the end of time. The memorable words J have 
quoted give to this ruined city about all the interest 
it possesses to people of the present day. 

222 The Innocents Abroad 

It seems curious enough to us to be standing on 
ground that was once actually pressed by the feet of 
the Saviour. The situation is suggestive of a reality 
and a tangibility that seem at variance with the vague 
ness and mystery and ghostliness that one naturally 
attaches to the character of a god. I cannot com 
prehend yet that I am sitting where a god has stood, 
and looking upon the brook and the mountains which 
that god looked upon, and am surrounded by dusky 
men and women whose ancestors saw him, and even 
talked with him, face to face, and carelessly, just as 
they would have done with any other stranger. I 
cannot comprehend this; the gods of my under 
standing have been always hidden in clouds and 
rery far away. 

This morning, during breakfast, the usual assem 
blage of squalid humanity sat patiently without the 
charmed circle of the camp and waited for such 
crumbs as pity might bestow upon their misery, 
"here were old and young, brown-skinned and yel- 
^ome of the men were tall and stalwart (for 
one hardly sees anywhere such splendid looking men 
as here in the East), but all the women and children 
looked worn and sad, and distressed with hunger. 
They reminded me much of Indians, did these peo 
ple. They had but little clothing, but such as they 
had was fanciful in character and fantastic in its 
arrangement. Any little absurd gewgaw or gim- 
crack they had they disposed in such a way as to 
iake it attract attention most readily. They sat in 

ITie Innocents Abroad 223 

silence, and with tireless patience watched our every 
motion with that vile, uncomplaining impoliteness 
which is so truly Indian, and which makes a white 
man so nervous and uncomfortable and savage that 
he wants to exterminate the whole tribe. 

These people about us had other peculiarities, 
which I have noticed in the noble red man, too: 
Ihcy were infested with vermin, and the dirt had 
caked on them till it amounted to bark. 

The little children were in a pitiable condition 
they all had sore eyes, and were otherwise afflicted 
in various ways. They say th-it hardly a native child 
in all the East is free from sore eyes, and that thou 
sands of them go blind of one eye or both every 
year. I think this must be so, for I see plenty of 
blind people every day, and I do not remember see 
ing any children that hadn t sore eyes. And, would 
you suppose that an American mother could sit for 
an hour, with her child in her arms, and let a hun 
dred flies roost upon its eyes all that time undis 
turbed? I see that everyday. It makes my flesh 
creep. Yesterday we met a woman riding on a little 
jackass, and she had a little child in her arms; 
honestly, I thought the child had goggles on as we 
approached, and I wondered how its mother could 
afford so much style. But when we drew near, we 
saw that the goggles were nothing but a camp meet 
ing of flies assembled around each of the child s eyes, 
and at the same time there was a detachment pros 
pecting its nose. The flics were happy, the child 


224 The Innocents Abroad 

was contented, and so the mother did not inter 

As soon as the tribe found out that we had a 
doctor in our party, they began to flock in from all 
quarters. Dr. B., in the charity of his nature, had 
taken a child from a woman who sat near by, and 
put some sort of a wash upon its diseased eyes. 
That woman went off and started the whole nation, 
and it was a sight to see them swarm ! The lame, 
the halt, the blind, the leprous all the distempers 
that are bred of indolence, dirt, and iniquity were 
represented in the congress in ten minutes, and still 
they came ! Every woman that had a sick baby 
brought it along, and every woman that hadn t, 
borrowed one. What reverent and what worshiping 
looks they bent upon that dread, mysterious power, 
the Doctor! They watched him take liis phials out; 
they watched him measure the particles of white 
powder; they watched him add drops of one precious 
liquid, and drops of another; they lost not the 
slightest movement; their eyes were riveted upon 
him with a fascination that nothing could distract. 
I believe they thought he was gifted like a god. 
When each individual got his portion of medicine, 
his eyes were radiant with joy notwithstanding by 
nature they are a thankless and impassive race 
and upon his face was written the unquestioning 
faith that nothing on earth coald prevent the patient 
from getting well now. 

Christ knew how to preach to these simple, 

The Innocents Abroad 225 

superstitious, disease-tortured creatures: He healed 
the sick. They flocked to our poor human doctor 
this morning when the fame of what he had done to 
the sick child went abroad in the land, and they 
worshiped him with their eyes while they did not 
know as yet whether there was virtue in his simples 
or not. The ancestors of these people precisely 
like them in color, dres^, manners, customs, simplic 
ity flocked in vast multitudes after Christ, and 
when they saw Him make the afflicted whole with a 
word, it is no wonder they worshiped Him. No 
wonder His deeds were the talk of the nation. No 
wonder the multitude that followed Him was so 
great that at one time thirty miles from here 
they had to let a sick man down through the roof 
because no approach could be made to the door; 
no wonder His audiences were so great at Galilee 
that He had to preach from a ship removed a little 
distance from the shore; no wonder that even in the 
desert places about Bethsaida, five thousand invaded 
His solitude, and He had to feed them by a miracle 
or else see them suffer for their confiding faith and 
devotion ; no wonder when there was a great com 
motion in a city in those days, one neighbor ex 
plained it to another in words to this effect, " They 
say that Jesus of Nazareth is come I" 

Well, as I was saying, the doctor distributed 
medicine as long as he had any to distribute, and 
his reputation is mighty in Galilee this day. Among 
his patients was the child of the Sheik s daughter 

226 The Innocents Abroad 

for even this poor, ragged handful of sores and sin 
has its royal Sheik a poor old mummy that 
looked as if he would be more at home in a poor- 
house than in the Chief Magistracy of this tribe of 
hopeless, shirtless savages. The princess I mean 
the Sheik s daughter was only thirteen or fourteen 
years old, and had a very sweet face and a pretty 
one. She was the only Syrian female we have seen 
yet who was not so sinfully ugly that ihe couldn t 
smile after ten o clock Saturday night without 
breaking the Sabbath. Her child was a hard speci 
men, though there wasn t enough of it to make a 
pie, and the poor little thing looked so pleadingly 
up at all who came near it (as if it had an idea that 
now was its chance or never) that we were filled with 
compassion which was genuine and not put on. 

But this last new horse I have got is trying to 
break his neck over the tent-ropes, and I shall have 
to go out and anchor him. Jericho and I have 
parted company. The new horse is not much to 
boast of, I think. One of his hind legs bends the 
wrong way, and the other one is as straight and stiff 
as a tent-pole. Most of his teeth are gone, and he 
is as blind as a bat. His nose has been broken at 
some time or other, and is arched like a culvert 
now. His under lip hangs down like a camel s, and 
his ears are chopped off close to his head. I had 
some trouble at first to find a name for him, but I 
finally concluded to call him Baalbec, because he is 
such a magnificent ruin. I cannot keep from talking 

The Innocents Abroad 227 

about my horses, because I have a very long and 
tedious journey before me, and they naturally occupy 
my thoughts about as much as matters of apparently 
much greater importance. 

We satisfied our pilgrims by making those hard 
rides from Baalbec to Damascus, but Dan s horse 
and Jack s were so crippled we had to leave them 
behind and get fresh animals for them. The drago 
man says Jack s horse died. I swapped horses with 
Mohammed, the kingly-looking Egyptian who is our 
Ferguson s lieutenant. By Ferguson I mean our 
dragoman Abraham, of course. I did not take this 
horse on account of his personal appearance, but 
because I have not seen his back. I do not wish to 
see it. I have seen the backs of all the other horses, 
and found most of them covered with dreadful 
saddle-boils which I know have not been washed or 
doctored for years. The idea of riding all day long 
over such ghastly inquisitions of torture is sickening. 
My horse must be like the others, but I have at least 
the consolation of not knowing it to be so. 

I hope that in future I may be spared any more 
sentimental praises of the Arab s idolatry of his 
horse. In boyhood I longed to be an Arab of the 
desert and have a beautiful mare, and call her 
Sclim or Benjamin or Mohammed, and feed her with 
my own hands, and let her come into the tent, and 
teach her to caress me and look fondly upon me 
with her great tender eyes; and I wished that a 
stranger might come at such a time and offer me a 

228 The Innocents Abroad 

hundred thousand dollars for her, so that I could do 
like the other Arabs hesitate, yearn for the money, 
but, overcome by my love for my mare, at last say, 
l * Part with thee, my beautiful one ! Never with my 
lifel Away, tempter, I scorn thy gold!" and then 
bound into the saddle and speed over the desert like 
the wind ! 

But I recall those aspirations. If these Arabs 
be like the other Arabs, their love for their beautiful 
mares is a fraud. These of my acquaintance have 
no love for their horses, no sentiment of pity for 
them, and no knowledge of how to treat them or 
care for them. The Syrian saddle-blanket is a 
quilted mattress two or three inches thick. It is 
never removed from the horse, day or night. It 
gets full of dirt and hair, and becomes soaked with 
sweat. It is bound to breed sores. These pirates 
never think of washing a horse s back. They do 
not shelter the horses in the tents, either; they 
must stay out and take the weather as it comes. 
Look at poor cropped and dilapidated " Baalbec," 
and weep for the sentiment that has been wasted 
upon the Selims of romance. 


7YBOUT an hour s ride over a rough, rocky road, 
i half flooded with water, and through a forest 
of oaks of Bashan, brought us to Dan. 

From a little mound here in the plain issues a 
broad stream of limpid water and forms a large 
shallow pool, and then rushes furiously onward, 
augmented in volume. This puddle is an important 
source of the Jordan. Its banks, and those of the 
brook, are respectably adorned with blooming 
oleanders, but the unutterable beauty of the spot 
will not throw a well-balanced man into convulsions, 
as the Syrian books of travel would lead one to 

From the spot I am speaking of, a cannon-ball 
would carry beyond the confines of Holy Land and 
light upon profane ground three miles away. We 
were only one little hour s travel within the borders 
of Holy Land we had hardly begun to appreciate 
yet that we were standing upon any different sort of 
earth than that we had always been used to, and yet 
see how the historic names began already to cluster ! 
Dan Bashan Lake Huleh the Sources of Jor- 


230 The Innocents Abroad 

dan the Sea of Galilee. They were all in sight 
but the last, and it was not far away. The little 
township of Bashan was once the kingdom so famous 
in Scripture for its bulls and its oaks. Lake Hulch 
is the Biblical 4t Waters of Merom." Dan was the 
northern and Beersheba the southern limit of Pales 
tine hence the expression * from Dan to Beer 
sheba." It is equivalent to our phrases "from 
Maine to Texas " ** from Baltimore to San Fran 
cisco." Our expression and that of the Israelites 
both mean the same great distance. With their 
slow camels and asses, it was about a seven-days 
journey from Dan to Beersheba say a hundred 
and fifty or sixty miles it was the entire length of 
their country, and was not to be undertaken without 
great preparation and much ceremony. When the 
prodigal traveled to " a far country," it is not likely 
that he went more than eighty or ninety miles. 
Palestine is only from forty to sixty miles wide. The 
state of Missouri could be split into three Palestines, 
and there would then be enough material left for part 
of another possibly a whole one. From Baltimore 
to San Francisco is several thousand miles, but it 
will be only a seven-days journey in the cars when 
I am two or three years older.* If I live I shall 
necessarily have to go across the continent every 
now and then in those cars, but one journey from 
Dan to Beersheba will be sufficient, no doubt. It 

The railroad has been completed since the above was written. 

The Innocents Abroad 231 

must be the most trying of the two. Therefore, if 
we chance to discover that from Dan to Beersheba 
seemed a mighty stretch of country to the Israelites, 
let us not be airy with them, but reflect that it was 
and is a mighty stretch when one cannot traverse it 
by rail. 

The small mound I have mentioned a while ago 
was once occupied by the Phcenician city of Laish. 
A party of filibusters from Zorah and Eshcol cap 
tured the place, and lived there in a free and easy 
way, worshiping gods of their own manufacture and 
stealing idols from their neighbors whenever they 
wore their own out. Jeroboam set up a golden calf 
here to fascinate his people and keep them from 
making dangerous trips to Jerusalem to worship, 
which might result in a return to their rightful 
allegiance. With all respect for those ancient Israel 
ites, I cannot overlook the fact that they were not 
always virtuous enough to withstand the seductions 
of a golden calf. Human nature has not changed 
much since then. 

Some forty centuries ago the city of Sodom was 
pillaged by the Arab princes of Mesopotamia, and 
among other prisoners they seized upon the patri 
arch Lot and brought him here on their way to their 
own possessions. They brought him to Dan, and 
father Abraham, who was pursuing them, crept 
softly in at dead of night, among the whispering 
oleanders and under the shadows of the stately oaks, 
and fell upon the slumbering victors and startled 

2j2 The Innocents Abroad 

them from their dreams with the clash of steel. He 
recaptured Lot and all the other plunder. 

We moved on. We were now in a green valley, 
five or six miles wide and fifteen long. The streams 
which are called the sources of the Jordan flow 
through it to Lake Huleh, a shallow pond three miles 
in diameter, and from the southern extremity of the 
lake the concentrated Jordan flows out. The lake is 
surrounded by a broad marsh, grown with reeds. 
Between the marsh and the mountains which wall 
the valley is a respectable strip of fertile land ; at 
the end of the valley, toward Dan, as much as half 
the land is solid and fertile, and watered by Jordan s 
sources. There is enough of it to make a farm. It 
almost warrants the enthusiasm of the spies of that 
rabble of adventurers who captured Dan. They 
said : " We have seen the land, and behold it is very 
good. ... A place where there is no want 
of anything that is in the earth." 

Their enthusiasm was at least warranted by the 
fact that they had never seen a country as good as 
this. There was enough of it for the ample support 
of their six hundred men and their families, too. 

When we got fairly down on the level part of the 
Danite farm, we came to places where we could 
actually run our horses. It was a notable circum 

We had been painfully clambering over intermin 
able hills and rocks for days together, and when we 
suddenly came upon this astonishing piece of rock- 

The Innocents Abroad 233 

less plain, every man drove the spurs into his horse 
and sped away with a velocity he could surely enjoy 
to the utmost, but could never hope to comprehend 
in Syria. 

Here were evidences of cultivation a rare sight 
in this country an acre or two of rich soil studded 
with last season s dead cornstalks of the thickness 
of your thumb and very wide apart. But in such a 
land it was a thrilling spectacle. Close to it was a 
stream, and on its banks a great herd of curious- 
looking Syrian goats and sheep were gratefully eat 
ing gravel. I do not state this as a petrified fact 
I only suppose they were eating gravel, because there 
did not appear to be anything else for them to eat. 
The shepherds that tended them were the very pic 
tures of Joseph and his brethren, I have no doubt in 
the world. They were tall, muscular, and very 
dark-skinned Bedouins, with inky black beards. 
They had firm lips, unquailing eyes, and a kingly 
stateliness of bearing. They wore the parti-colored 
half bonnet, half hood, with fringed ends falling 
upon their shoulders, and the full, flowing robe 
barred with broad black stripes the dress one sees 
in all pictures of the swarthy sons of the desert. 
These chaps would sell their younger brothers if they 
had a chance, I think. They have the manners, the 
customs, the dress, the occupation, and the loose 
principles of the ancient stock. [They attacked our 
camp last night, and I bear them no good will.] 
They had with them the pigmy jackasses one sees 

234 The Innocents Abroad 

all over Syria and remembers in all pictures of the 
* Flight into Egypt," where Mary and the Young 
Child are riding and Joseph is walking alongside, 
towering high above the little donkey s shoulders. 

But, really, here the man rides and carries the 
child, as a general thing, and the woman walks. 
The customs have not changed since Joseph s time. 
We would not have in our houses a picture repre 
senting Joseph riding and Mary walking; we would 
see profanation in it, but a Syrian Christian would 
not. I know that hereafter the picture I first spoke 
of will look odd to me. 

We could not stop to rest two or three hours otrt 
from our camp, of course, albeit the brook was 
beside us. So we went on an hour longer. We 
saw water then, but nowhere in all the waste around 
was there a foot of shade, and we were scorching to 
death. " Like unto the shadow of a great rock in a 
weary land." Nothing in the Bible is more beauti 
ful than that, and surely there is no place we have 
wandered to that is able to give it such touching 
expression as this blistering, naked, treeless land. 

Here you do not stop just when you please, but 
when you can. We found water, but no shade. 
We traveled on and found a tree at last, but no 
water. We rested and lunched, and came on to this 
place, Ain Mellahah (the boys call it Baldwinsville). 
It was a very short day s run, but the dragoman 
does not want to go further, and has invented a 
plausible lie about the country beyond this being 

The Innocents Abroad 23$ 

infested by ferocious Arabs, who would make sleep 
ing in their midst a dangerous pastime. Well, they 
ought to be dangerous. They carry a rusty old 
weather-beaten flintlock gun, with a barrel that is 
longer than themselves; it has no sights on it; it 
will not carry farther than a brickbat, and is not 
half so certain. And the great sash they wear in 
many a fold around their waists has two or three 
absurd old horse pistols in it that are rusty from 
eternal disuse weapons that would hang fire just 
about long enough for you to walk out of range, 
and then burst and blow the Arab s head off. Ex 
ceedingly dangerous these sons of the desert are. 

It used to make my blood run cold to read Wm. 
C, Grimes hairbreadth escapes from Bedouins, but 
I think I could read them now without a tremor. 
He never said he was attacked by Bedouins, I be 
lieve, or was ever treated uncivilly, but then in about 
every other chapter he discovered them approach 
ing, anyhow, and he had a blood-curdling fashion 
of working up the peril ; and of wondering how his 
relations far away would feel could they see their 
poor wandering boy, with his weary feet and his 
dim eyes, in such fearful danger; and of thinking 
for the last time of the old homestead, and the dear 
old church, and the cow, and those things; and of 
finally straightening his form to its utmost height in 
the saddle, drawing his trusty revolver, and then 
dashing the spurs into "Mohammed" and sweep 
ing down upon the ferocious enemy determined to 

236 The Innocents Abroad 

sell his life as dearly as possible. True, the Bedouins 
never did anything to him when he arrived, and 
never had any intention of doing anything to him in 
the first place, and wondered what in the mischief he 
was making all that to-do about; but still I could 
not divest myself of the idea, somehow, that a 
frightful peril had been escaped through that man s 
dare-devil bravery, and so I never could read about 
Wm. C. Grimes Bedouins and sleep comfortably 
afterward. But I believe the Bedouins to be a 
fraud, now. I have seen the monster, and I can 
outrun him. I shall never be afraid of his daring to 
stand behind his own gun and discharge it. 

About fifteen hundred years before Christ, this 
campground of ours by the Waters of Merom was 
the scene of one of Joshua s exterminating battles. 
Jabin, King of Hazor (up yonder above Dan), 
called all the sheiks about him together, with their 
hosts, to make ready for Israel s terrible General 
who was approaching. 

"And when all these Kings were met together, they came and 
pitched together by the Waters of Merom, to fight against Israel. 

"And they went out, they and all their hosts with them, much peo 
ple, even as the sand that is upon the seashore for multitude," etc. 

But Joshua fell upon them and utterly destroyed 
them, root and branch. That was his usual policy 
in war. He never left any chance for newspaper 
controversies about who won the battle. He made 
this valley, so quiet now, a reeking slaughter-pen. 

Somewhere in this part of the country I do not 

The Innocents Abroad 2)7 

know exactly where Israel fought another bloody 
battle a hundred years later. Deborah, the prophet 
ess, told Barak to take ten thousand men and sally 
forth against another King Jabin who had been 
doing something. Barak came down from Mount 
Tabor, twenty or twenty-five miles from here, and 
gave battle to Jabin s forces, who were in command 
of Sisera. Barak won the fight, and while he was 
making the victory complete by the usual method of 
exterminating the remnant of the defeated host, 
Sisera fled away on foot, and when he was nearly 
exhausted by fatigue and thirst, one Jael, a woman 
lie seems to have been acquainted with, invited him 
to come into her tent and rest himself. The weary 
soldier acceded readily enough, and Jael put him to 
bed. He said he was very thirsty, and asked his 
generous preserver to get him a cup of water. She 
brought him some milk, and he drank of it grate 
fully and lay down again, to forget in pleasant 
dreams his lost battle and his humbled pride. 
Presently when he was asleep she came softly in 
with a hammer and drove a hideous tent-pin down 
through his brain ! 

"For he was fast asleep and weary. So he 
died." Such is the touching language of the Bible. 
4 The Song of Deborah and Barak " praises Jael for 
the memorable service she had rendered, in an ex 
ultant strain : 

" Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Hcbcr the Kcnite be, 
Ucved shall she be above women in the tent. 

238 The Innocents Abroad 

"He asked for water, and she gave him milk; she brought forth 
butter in a lordly dish. 

" She put her hand to the nail, and her right hand to the workman s 
hammer; and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head 
when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. 

4 At her feet he bowed, he fell, he lay down : at her feet he bowed, 
he fell; where he bowed, there he fell down dead." 

Stirring scenes like these occur in this valley no 
more. There is not a solitary village throughput its 
whole extent not for thirty miles in either direc 
tion. There are two or three small clusters of 
Bedouin tents, but not a single permanent habita 
tion. One may ride ten miles, hereabouts, and not 
see ten human beings. 

To this region one of the prophecies is applied : 

"I will bring the land into desolation; and your enemies which 
dwell therein shall be astonished at it. And I will scatter you among 
the heathen, and I will draw out a sword after you; and your land shall 
be desolate and your cities waste." 

No man can stand here by deserted Ain Mellahah 
and say the prophecy has not been fulfilled. 

In a verse from the Bible which I have quoted above, 
occurs the phrase **all these kings." It attracted 
my attention in a moment, because it carries to my 
mind such a vastly different significance from what 
it always did at home. I can see easily enough 
that if I wish to profit by this tour and come to a 
correct understanding of the matters of interest 
connected with it, I must studiously and faithfully 
unlearn a great many things I have somehow ab 
sorbed concerning Palestine. I must begin a system 

The Innocents Abroad 239 

of reduction. Like my grapes which the spies bore 
out of the Promised Land, I have got everything in 
Palestine on too large a scale. Some of my ideas 
were wild enough. The word Palestine always 
brought to my mind a vague suggestion of a 
country as large as the United States. I do not 
know why, but such was the case. I suppose it was 
because I could not conceive of a small country 
having so large a history. I think I was a little 
surprised to find that the grand Sultan of Turkey 
was a man of only ordinary size. I must try to 
reduce my ideas of Palestine to a more reasonable 
shape. One gets large impressions in boyhood, 
sometimes, which he has to fight against all his life, v/ 
"All these kings." When I used to read that in 
Sunday-school, it suggested to me the several kings 
of such countries as England, France, Spain, Ger 
many, Russia, etc., arrayed in splendid robes ablaze 
with jewels, marching in grave procession, with 
scepters of gold in their hands and flashing crowns 
upon their heads. But here in Ain Mellahah, after 
coming through Syria, and after giving serious study 
to the character and customs of the country, the 
phrase **all these kings" loses its grandeur. It 
suggests only a parcel of petty chiefs ill-clad and 
ill-conditioned savages much like our Indians, who 
lived in full sight of each other and whose ** king 
doms " were large when they were five miles square 
and contained two thousand souls. The combined 
monarchies of the thirty "kings" destroyed by 

240 The Innocents Abroad 

Joshua on one of his famous campaigns, only cov 
ered an area about equal to four of our counties of 
ordinary size. The poor old sheik we saw at 
Cesarea Philippi, with his ragged band of a hundred 
followers, would have been called a "king" in 
those ancient times. 

It is seven in the morning, and as we are in the 
country, the grass ought to be sparkling with dew, 
the flowers enriching the air with their fragrance, 
and the birds singing in the trees. But, alas ! there 
is no dew here, nor flowers, nor birds, nor trees. 
There is a plain and an unshaded lake, and beyond 
them some barren mountains. The tents are tum 
bling, the Arabs are quarreling like dogs and cats, 
as usual, the campground is strewn with packages 
and bundles, the labor of packing them upon the 
backs of the mules is progressing with great activity, 
the horses are saddled, the umbrellas are out, and in 
ten minutes we shall mount and the long procession 
will move again. The white city of the Mellahah, 
resurrected for a moment out of the dead centuries, 
will have disappeared again and left no sign. 


WE traversed some miles of desolate country 
whose soil is rich enough, but is given over 
wholly to weeds a silent, mournful expanse, 
wherein we saw only three persons Arabs, with 
nothing on but a long coarse shirt like the ** tow- 
linen " shirts which used to form the only summer 
garment of little negro boys on Southern planta 
tions. Shepherds they were, and they charmed their 
flocks with the traditional shepherd s pipe a reed 
instrument that made music as exquisitely infernal 
as these same Arabs create when they sing. 

In their pipes lingered no echo of the wonderful 
music the shepherd forefathers heard in the Plains of 
Bethlehem what time the angels sang * Peace on 
earth, good will to men." 

Part of the ground we came over was not ground 
at all, but rocks cream-colored rocks, worn 
smooth, as if by water; with seldom an edge or a 
corner on them, but scooped out, honey-combed, 
bored out with eye-holes, and thus wrought into all 
manner of quaint shapes, among which the uncouth 
imitation of skulls was frequent. Over this part o/ 
16.. (24O 

242 The Innocents Abroad 

the route were occasional remains of an old Roman 
road like the Appian Way, whose paving stones still 
clung to their places with Roman tenacity. 

Gray lizards, those heirs of ruin, of sepulchres 
and desolation, glided in and out among the rocks 
or lay still and sunned themselves. Where pros 
perity has reigned, and fallen; where glory has 
flamed, and gone out; where beauty has dwelt, and 
passed away; where gladness was, and sorrow is; 
where the pomp of life has been, and silence and 
death brood in its high places, there this reptile 
makes his home, and mocks at human vanity. His 
coat is the color of ashes ; and ashes are the symbol of 
hopes that have perished, of aspirations that came to 
naught, of loves that are buried. If he could speak, 
he would say, Build temples: I will lord it in their 
ruins ; build palaces : I will inhabit them ; erect 
empires: I will inherit them; bury your beautiful: 
I will watch the worms at their work; and you, who 
stand here and moralize over me : I will crawl over 
your corpse at the last. 

A few ants were in this desert place, but merely 
to spend the summer. They brought their provi 
sions from Ain Mcllahah eleven miles. 

Jack is not very well to-day, it is easy to see; but, 
boy as he is, he is too much of a man to speak of 
it. He exposed himself to the sun too much yester 
day, but since it came of his earnest desire to learn, 
and to make this journey as useful as the oppor 
tunities will allow, no one seeks to discouiage him 

The Innocents Abroad 24> 

by fault-finding. We missed him an hour from the 
camp, and then found him some distance away, by 
the edge of a brook, and with no umbrella to protect 
him from the fierce sun. If he had been used to 
going without his umbrella, it would have been well 
enough, of course; but he was not. He was just in 
the act ot throwing a clod at a mud-turtle which was 
sunning itself on a small log in the brook. We 
said : 

* Don t do that, Jack. What do you want to 
harm him for? What has he done?" 

"Well, then, I won t kill him, but I ought to, 
because he is a fraud." 

We asked him why, but he said it was no matter. 
We asked him why, once or twice, as we walked 
back to the camp, but he still said it was no matter. 
But late at night, when he was sitting in a thought 
ful mood on the bed, we asked him again and he 
said : 

" Well, it don t matter; I don t mind it now, but 
I did not like it to-day, you know, because /don t 
tell anything that isn t so, and I don t think the 
Colonel ought to, either. But he did ; he told us 
at prayers in the Pilgrims tent, last night, and he 
seemed as if he was reading it out of the Bible, too, 
about this country flowing with milk and honey, and 
about the voice of the turtle being heard in the 
land. I thought that was drawing it a little strong, 
about the turtles, anyhow, but I asked Mr. Church 
if it was so, and he said it was, and what Mr. 

244 The Innocents Abroad 

Church tells me, I believe. But I sat there and 
watched that turtle nearly an hour to-day, and I 
almost burned up in the sun ; but I never heard him 
sing. I believe I sweated a double handful of sweat 

I know I did because it got in my eyes, and it 
was running down over my nose all the time ; and 
you know my pants are tighter than anybody else s 

Paris foolishness and the buckskin seat of them 
got wet with sweat, and then got dry again and 
began to draw up and pinch and tear loose it was 
awful but I never heard him sing. Finally I said, 
This is a fraud that is what it is, it is a fraud 
and if I had had any sense I might have known a 
cursed mud-turtle couldn t sing. And then I said, 
I don t wish to be hard on this fellow, and I will 
just give him ten minutes to commence; ten min 
utes and then if he don t, down goes his building. 
But he didn t commence, you know. I had stayed 
there all that time, thinking maybe he might, pretty 
soon, because he kept on raising his head up and 
letting it down, and drawing the skin over his eyes 
for a minute and then opening them out again, as 
if he was trying to study up something to sing, but 
just as the ten minutes were up and I was all beat out 
and blistered, he laid his blamed head down on a 
knot and went fast asleep." 

" It was a little hard, after you had waited so 

" I should think so. I said, Well, if you won t 
sing, you shan t sleep, anyway; and if you fellows 

The Innocents Abroad 245 

had let me alone I would have made him shin out of 
Galilee quicker than any turtle ever did yet. But it 
isn t any matter now let it go. The skin is all of! 
the back of my neck." 

About ten in the morning we halted at Joseph s 
Pit. This is a ruined Khan of the Middle Ages, in 
one of whose side courts is a great walled and 
arched pit with water in it, and this pit, one tradition 
says, is the one Joseph s brethren cast him into. A 
more authentic tradition, aided by the geography 
of the country, places the pit in Dothan, some two 
days journey from here. However, since there are 
many who believe in this present pit as the true one, 
it has its interest. 

It is hard to make a choice of the most beautiful 
passage in a book which is so gemmed with beautiful 
passages as the Bible; but it is certain that not 
many things within its lids may take rank above the 
exquisite story of Joseph. Who taught those ancient 
writers their simplicity of language, their felicity of 
expression, their pathos, and, above all, their faculty 
of sinking themselves entirely out of sight of the 
reader and making the narrative stand out alone and 
seem to tell itself? Shakespeare is always present 
when one reads his book ; Macaulay is present when 
we follow the march of his stately sentences ; but 
the Old Testament writers are hidden from view. 

If the pit I have been speaking of is the right one, 
a scene transpired there, long ages ago, which is 
familiar to us all in pictures. The sons of Jacob 

246 The Innocents Abroad 

had been pasturing their flocks near there. Their 
father grew uneasy at their long absence, and sent 
Joseph, his favorite, to see if anything had gone 
wrong with them. He traveled six or seven days 
journey; he was only seventeen years old, and, boy 
like, he toiled through that long stretch of the 
vilest, rockiest, dustiest country in Asia, arrayed in 
the pride of his heart, his beautiful claw-hammer 
coat of many colors. Joseph was the favorite, and 
that was one crime in the eyes of his brethren ; he 
had dreamed dreams, and interpreted them to fore 
shadow his elevation far above all his family in the 
far future, and that was another; he was dressed 
well and had doubtless displayed the harmless vanity 
of youth in keeping the fact prominently before his 
brothers. These were crimes his elders fretted over 
among themselves and proposed to punish when the 
opportunity should offer. When they saw him 
coming up from the Sea of Galilee, they recognized 
him and were glad. They said, ** Lo, here is this 
dreamer let us kill him." But Reuben pleaded 
for his life, and they spared it. But they seized the 
boy, and stripped the hated coat from his back and 
pushed him into the pit. Tliey intended to let him 
die there, but Reuben intended to liberate him 
secretly. However, while Reuben was away for a 
little while, the brethren sold Joseph to some Ish- 
maelitish merchants who were journeying toward 
Egypt- Such is the history of the pit. And the 
self-same pit is there in that place, even to this day ; 

The Innocents Abroad 247 

and there it will remain until the next detachment of 
image-breakers and tomb-desecrators arrives from 
the Quaker City excursion, and they will infallibly 
dig it up and carry it away with them. For behold 
in them is no reverence for the solemn monuments 
of the past, and whithersoever they go they destroy 
and spare not. 

Joseph became rich, distinguished, powerful as 
the Bible expresses it, " lord over all the land of 
EgyP 1 -" Joseph was the real king, the strength, 
the brain of the monarchy, though Pharaoh held the 
title. Joseph is one of the truly great men of the 
Old Testament. And he was the noblest and the 
manliest, save Esau. Why shall we not say a good 
word for the princely Bedouin? The only crime 
that can be brought against him is that he was un 
fortunate. Why must everybody praise Joseph s 
great-hearted generosity to his cruel brethren, with 
out stint of fervent language, and fling only a 
reluctant bone of praise to Esau for his still sublimer 
generosity to the brother who had wronged him? 
Jacob took advantage of Esau s consuming hunger 
to rob him of his birthright and the great honor and 
consideration that belonged to the position; by 
treachery and falsehood he robbed him of his 
father s blessing; he made of him a stranger in his 
home, and a wanderer. Yet after twenty years had 
passed away and Jacob met Esau and fell at his feet 
quaking with fear and begging piteously to be spared 
the punishment he knew he deserved, what did that 

248 The Innocents Abroad 

magnificent savage do? He fell upon his neck and 
embraced him ! When Jacob who was incapable 
of comprehending nobility of character still doubt 
ing, still fearing, insisted upon "finding grace with 
my lord by the bribe of a present of cattle, what 
did the gorgeous son of the desert say? 

Nay, I have enough, my brother; keep that 
thou hast unto thyself!" 

Esau found Jacob rich, beloved by wives and 
children, and traveling in state, with servants, herds 
of cattle and trains of camels but he himself was 
still the uncourted outcast this brother had made 
him. After thirteen years of romantic mystery, the 
brethren who had wronged Joseph, came, strangers 
in a strange land, hungry and humble, to buy "a 
little food"; and being summoned to a palace, 
charged with crime, they beheld in its owner their 
wronged brother; they were trembling beggars 
he, the lord of a mighty empire ! What Joseph 
that ever lived would have thrown away such a 
chance to * * show off " ? Who stands first outcast 
Esau forgiving Jacob in prosperity, or Joseph on a 
king s throne forgiving the ragged tremblers whose 
happy rascality placed him there? 

Just before we came to Joseph s Pit, we had 
11 raised " a hill, and there, a few miles before us, 
with not a tree or a shrub to interrupt the view, lay 
a vision which millions of worshipers in the far lands 
of the earth would give half their possessions to 
see the sacred Sea of Galilee! 

The Innocents Abroad 249 

Therefore we tarried only a short time at the pit. 
We rested the horses and ourselves, and felt for a 
few minutes the blessed shade of the ancient build 
ings. We were out of water, but the two or three 
scowling Arabs, with their long guns, who were 
idling about the place, said they had none and that 
there was none in the vicinity. They knew there 
was a little brackish water in the pit, but they 
venerated a place made sacred by their ancestor s 
imprisonment too much to be willing to see Christian 
dogs drink from it. But Ferguson tied rags and 
handkerchiefs together till he made a rope long 
enough to lower a vessel to the bottom, and we 
drank and then rode on; and in a short time we 
dismounted on those shores which the feet of the 
Saviour have made holy ground. 

At noon we took a swim in the Sea of Galilee a 
blessed privilege in this roasting climate and then 
lunched under a neglected old fig tree at the fountain 
they call Ain-et-Tin, a hundred yards from ruined 
Capernaum. Every rivulet that gurgles out of the 
rocks and sands of this part of the world is dubbed 
with the title of "fountain," and people familiar 
with the Hudson, the Great Lakes, and the Missis 
sippi fall into transports of admiration over them, 
and exhaust their powers of composition in writing 
their praises. If all the poetry and nonsense that 
have been discharged upon the fountains and the 
bland scenery of this region were collected in a 
book, it would make a most valuable volume to burn. 

250 The Innocents Abroad 

During luncheon, the pilgrim enthusiasts of our 
party, who had been so light-hearted and happy 
ever since they touched holy ground that they did 
little but mutter incoherent rhapsodies, could scarcely 
eat, so anxious were they to * take shipping" and 
sail in very person upon the waters that had borne 
the vessels of the Apostles. Their anxiety grew and 
their excitement augmented with every fleeting mo 
ment, until my fears were aroused and I began to 
have misgivings that in their present condition they 
might break recklessly loose from all considerations 
of prudence and buy a whole fleet of ships to sail in 
instead of hiring a single one for an hour, as quiet 
folk are wont to do. I trembled to think of the 
ruined purses this day s performances might result 
in. 1 could not help reflecting bodingly upon the 
intemperate zeal with which middle-aged men are 
apt to surfeit themselves upon a seductive folly 
which they have tasted for the first time. And yet 
I did not feel that I had a right to be surprised at 
the state of things which was giving me so much con 
cern. These men had been taught from infancy to 
revere, almost to worship, the holy places whereon 
their happy eyes were resting now. For many and 
many a year this very picture had visited their 
thoughts by day and floated through their dreams by 
night. To stand before it in the flesh to see it as 
they saw it now to sail upon the hallowed sea, 
and kiss the holy soil that compassed it about; these 
were aspirations they had cherished while a genera- 

The Innocents Abroad 251 

tion dragged its lagging seasons by and left its 
furrows in their faces and its frosts upon their hair. 
To look upon this picture, and sail upon this sea, 
they had forsaken home and its idols and journeyed 
thousands and thousands of miles, in weariness and 
tribulation. What wonder that the sordid lights of 
work-day prudence should pale before the glory of 
a hope like theirs in the full splendor of its fruition? 
Let them squander millions! I said who speaks 
of money at a time like this? 

In this frame of mind I followed, as fast as I 
could, the eager footsteps of the pilgrims, and stood 
upon the shore of the lake, and swelled, with hat 
and voice, the frantic hail they sent after the 
* ship " that was speeding by. It was a success. 
The toilers of the sea ran in and beached their bark. 
Joy sat upon every countenance. 

* How much ? ask him how much, Ferguson ! 
how much to take us all eight of us, and you to 
Bethsaida, yonder, and to the mouth of Jordan, and 
to the place where the swine ran down into the 
sea quick! and we want to coast around every 
where everywhere ! all day long ! / could sail 
a year in these waters! and tell him we ll stop at 
Magdala and finish at Tiberias! ask him how 
much ! anything anything whatever ! tell him 
we don t care what the expense is!" [I said to 
myself, I knew how it would be.] 

Ferguson (interpreting) ** He says two napo 
leons eight dollars." 

252 The Innocents Aoroad 

One or two countenances fell. Then a pause. 
* Too much ! we ll give him one !" 

I never shall know how it was I shudder yet 
when I think how the place is given to miracles 
but in a single instant of time, as it seemed to me, 
that ship was twenty paces from the shore, and 
speeding away like a frightened thing ! Eight crest 
fallen creatures stood upon the shore, and oh, to 
think of it! this this after all that overmaster 
ing ecstasy! Oh, shameful, shameful ending, after 
such unseemly boasting! It was too much like 
14 Ho! let me at him!" followed by a prudent 
**Two of you hold him one can hold me!" 

Instantly there was wailing and gnashing of teeth 
in the camp. The two napoleons were offered 
more if necessary and pilgrims and dragoman 
shouted themselves hoarse with pleadings to the 
retreating boatmen to come back. But they sailed 
serenely away and paid no further heed to pilgrims 
who had dreamed all their lives of some day skim 
ming over the sacred waters of Galilee and listening 
to its hallowed story in the whisperings of its waves, 
and had journeyed countless leagues to do it, and 
and then concluded that the fare was too high. 
Impertinent Mohammedan Arabs, to think such 
things of gentlemen of another faith. 

Well, there was nothing to do but just submit and 
forego the privilege of voyaging on Gennesaret, after 
coming half around the globe to taste that pleasure. 
There was a time, when the Saviour taught here, 

The Innocents Abroad 253 

that boats were plenty among the fishermen of the 
coasts but boats and fishermen both are gone 
now; and old Josephus had a fleet of men-of-war in 
these waters eighteen centuries ago a hundred and 
thirty bold canoes but they, also, have passed 
away and left no sign. They battle here no more 
by sea, and the commercial marine of Galilee num 
bers only two small ships, just of a pattern with the 
little skiffs the disciples knew. One was lost to us 
for good the other was miles away and far out of 
hail. So we mounted the horses and rode grimly 
on toward Magdala, cantering along in the edge of 
the water for want of the means of passing over it. 

How the pilgrims abused each other ! Each said 
it was the other s fault, and each in turn denied it. 
No word was spoken by the sinners even the 
mildest sarcasm might have been dangerous at such 
a time. Sinners that have been kept down and had 
examples held up to them, and suffered frequent 
lectures, and bceo so put upon in a moral way and 
in the matter of going slow and being serious and 
bottling up s*ang, and so crowded in regard to the 
matter of being proper and always and forever 
behaving, that their lives have become a burden to 
them, would not lag behind pilgrims at such a time 
as this, and wink furtively, and be joyful, and com 
mit other such crimes because it would not occur 
to them to do it. Otherwise they would. But they 
did do it, though and it did them a world of good 
to hear the pilgrims abuse each other, too. We 

2S4 The Innocents Abroad 

took an unworthy satisfaction in seeing them fall 
out, now and then, because it showed that they were 
only poor human people like us, after all. 

So we all rode down to Magdala, while the gnash 
ing of teeth waxed and waned by turns, and harsh 
words troubled the holy calm of Galilee. 

Lest any man think I mean to be ill-natured when 
I talk about our pilgrims as I have been talking, I 
wish to say in all sincerity that I do not. I would 
not listen to lectures from men I did not like and 
could not respect ; and none of these can say I ever 
took their lectures unkindly, or was restive under 
the infliction, or failed to try to profit by what they 
said to me. They are better men than I am ; I can 
say that honestly; they are good friends of mine, 
too and besides, if they did not wish to be stirred 
up occasionally in print, why in the mischief did 
they travel with me? They knew me. They knew 
my liberal way that I like to give and take 
when it is for me to give and other people to take. 
When one of them threatened to leave me in 
Damascus when I had the cholera, he had no real 
idea of doing it I know his passionate nature and 
the good impulses that underlie it. And did I not 
overhear Church, another pilgrim, say he did not 
care who went or who stayed, he would stand by me 
till I walked out of Damascus on my own feet or was 
carried out in a coffin, if it was a year? And do I 
not include Church every time I abuse the pilgrims 
and would I be likely to speak ill-naturedly of 

The Innocents Abroad 255 

him? I wish to stir them up and make them 
healthy; that is all. 

We had left Capernaum behind us. It was only 
a shapeless ruin. It bore no semblance to a town, 
and had nothing about it to suggest that it had ever 
been a town. But all desolate and unpeopled as it 
was, it was illustrious ground. From it sprang that 
tree of Christianity whose broad arms overshadow 
so many distant lands to-day. Atter Christ was 
tempted of the devil in the desert, he came here and 
began his teachings; and during the three or tour 
years he lived afterward, this place was his home 
almost altogether. He began to heal the sick, and his 
fame soon spread so widely that sufferers came from 
Syria and beyond Jordan, and even from Jerusalem, 
several days journey away, to be cured of their dis 
eases. Here he healed the centurion s servant and 
Peter s mother-in-law, and multitudes of the lame 
and the blind and persons possessed of devils; and 
here, also, he raised Jairus daughter from the dead. 
Ke went into a ship with his disciples, and when 
they roused him from sleep in the midst of a storm, 
he quieted the winds and lulled the troubled sea to 
rest jvith his voice. He passed over to the other 
side, a few miles away, and relieved two men of 
devils, which passed into some swine. After his 
rctfrn he called Matthew from the receipt of cus 
toms, performed some cures, and created scandal 
by eating with publicans and sinners. Then he went 

healing and teaching through Galilee, and even 

256 The Innocents Abroad 

journeyed to Tyre and Sidon. He chose the twelve 
disciples, and sent them abroad to preach the new 
gospel. He worked miracles in Bethsaida and 
Chorazin villages two or three miles from Caper 
naum. It was near one of them that the miraculous 
draft of fishes is supposed to have been taken, and 
it was in the desert places near the other that he fed 
the thousands by the miracles of the loaves and 
fishes. He cursed them both, and Capernaum also, 
for not repenting, after all the great works he had 
done in their midst, and prophesied against them. 
They are all in ruins now which is gratifying to 
the pilgrims, for, as usual, they fit the eternal words 
of gods to the evanescent things of this earth; 
Christ, it is more probable, referred to the people, 
not their shabby villages of wigwams; he said it 
would be sad for them at " the Day of Judgment" 
and what business have mud-hovels at the Day of 
Judgment? it would not affect the prophecy in the 
least it would neither prove it nor disprove it if 
these towns were splendid cities now instead of the 
almost vanished ruins they are. Christ visited Mag- 
dala, which is near by Capernaum, and he also 
visited Cesarea Philippi. He went up to his old 
home at Nazareth, and saw his brothers Joses, and 
Judas, and James, and Simon those persons who, 
being own brothers to Jesus Christ, one would ex 
pect to hear mentioned sometimes, yet who ever saw 
their names in a newspaper or heard them from a 
pulpit? Who ever inquires what manner of youths 

The Innocents Abroad 257 

they were; and whether they slept with Jesus, 
played with him and romped about him ; quarreled 
with him concerning toys and trifles; struck him in 
anger, not suspecting what he was? Who ever 
wonders what they thought when they saw him 
come back to Nazareth a celebrity, and looked long 
at his unfamiliar face to make sure, and then said, 
" It is Jesus?" Who wonders what passed in their 
minds when they saw this brother (who was only a 
brother to them, however much he might be to 
others a mysterious stranger who was a god and had 
stood face to face with God above the clouds) doing 
strange miracles with crowds of astonished people 
for witnesses? Who wonders if the brothers of 
Jesus asked him to come home with them, and said 
his mother and his sisters were grieved at his long 
absence, and would be wild with delight to see his 
face again? Who ever gives a thought to the sisters 
of Jesus at all? yet he had sisters; and memories 
of them must have stolen into his mind often when 
he was ill-treated among strangers; when he was 
homeless and said he had not where to lay his head ; 
when all deserted him, even Peter, and he stood 
alone among his enemies. 

Christ did few miracles in Nazareth, and stayed 
but a little while. The people said, * This the Son 
of God ! Why, his father u nothing but a car 
penter. We know the family. We see them every 
day. Are not his brothers named so and so, and his 
sisters so and so, and is not his mother the person 

258 The Innocents Abroad 

they call Mary? This is absurd." He did not 
curse his home, but he shook its dust from his feet 
and went away. 

Capernaum lies close to the edge of the little sea, 
in a small plain some five miles long and a mile or 
two wide, which is mildly adorned with oleanders 
which look all the better contrasted with the bald 
hills and the howling deserts which surround them, 
but they are not as deliriously beautiful as the books 
paint them. If one be calm and resolute he can 
look upon their comeliness and live. 

One of the most astonishing things that have yet 
fallen under our observation is the exceedingly small 
portion of the earth from which sprang the now 
flourishing plant of Christianity. The longest jour 
ney our Saviour ever performed was from here to 
Jerusalem about one hundred to one hundred and 
twenty miles. The next longest was from here to 
Sidon say about sixty or seventy miles. Instead 
of being wide apart as American appreciation of 
distances would naturally suggest the places made 
most particularly celebrated by the presence of 
Christ are nearly all right here in full view, and 
within cannon-shot of Capernaum. Leaving out 
two or three short journeys of the Saviour, he spent 
his life, preached his gospel, and performed his 
miracles within a compass no larger than an ordinary 
county in the United States. It is as much as I can 
do to comprehend this stupefying fact. How it 
wears a man, out to have to read up a hundred pages 

The Innocents Abroad 259 

of history every two or three miles for verily the 
celebrated localities of Palestine occur that close 
together. How wearily, how bewilderingly they 
swarm about your path ! 

In due time we reached the ancient village of 


MAGDALA is not a beautiful place. It is thor 
oughly Syrian, and that is to say that it is 
thoroughly ugly, and cramped, squalid, uncomfort 
able, and filthy just the style of cities that have 
adorned the country since Adam s time, as all 
writers have labored hard to prove, and have suc 
ceeded. The streets of Magdala are anywhere from 
three to six feet wide, and reeking with uncleanli- 
ness. The houses are from five to seven feet high, 
and all built upon one arbitrary plan the ungrace 
ful form of a drygoods box. The sides are daubed 
with a smooth white plaster, and tastefully frescoed 
aloft and alow with disks of camel-dung placed there 
to dry. This gives the edifice the romantic appear 
ance of having been riddled with cannon-balls, and 
imparts to it a very warlike aspect. When the 
artist has arranged his materials with an eye to just 
proportion the small and the large flakes in alter 
nate rows, and separated by carefully-considered 
intervals I know of nothing more cheerful to look 
upon than a spirited Syrian fresco. The flat, plas 
tered roof is garnished by picturesque stacks of 


The Innocents Abroad 261 

fresco materials, which, having become thoroughly 
dried and cured, are placed there where it will be 
convenient. It is used for fuel. There is no timber 
of any consequence in Palestine none at all to 
waste upon fires and neither are there any mines 
of coal. If my description has been intelligible, 
you will perceive, now, that a square, flat-roofed 
hovel, neatly frescoed, with its wall-tops gallantly 
bastioned and turreted with dried camel-refuse, gives 
to a landscape a feature that is exceedingly festive 
and picturesque, especially if one is careful to re 
member to stick in a cat wherever, about the 
premises, there is room for a cat to sit. There are 
no windows to a Syrian hut, and no chimneys. 
When I used to read that they let a bedridden man 
down through the roof of a house in Capernaum to 
get him into the presence of the Saviour, I generally 
had a three-story brick in my mind, and marveled 
that they did not break his neck with the strange 
experiment. I perceive now, however, that they 
might have taken him by the heels and thrown him 
clear over the house without discommoding him 
very much. Palestine is not changed any since 
those days, in manners, customs, architecture, or 

As we rode into Magdala not a soul was visible. 
But the ring of the horses hoofs roused the stupid 
population, and they all came trooping out old 
men and old women, boys and girls, the blind, the 
crazy, and the crippled, all in ragged, soiled, and 

262 The Innocents Abroad 

scanty raiment, and all abject beggars by nature, In 
stinct, and education. How the vermin-tortured vag 
abonds did swarm ! How they showed their scars 
and sores, and piteously pointed to their maimed and 
crooked limbs, and begged with their pleading eyes 
for charity ! We had invoked a spirit we could not 
lay. They hung to the horses tails, clung to their 
manes and the stirrups, closed in on every side in 
scorn of dangerous hoofs and out of their infidel 
throats, with one accord, burst an agonizing and 
most infernal chorus: " Howajji, bucksheesh ! 
howajji, bucksheesh ! howajji, bucksheesh ! buck 
sheesh ! bucksheesh ! " I never was in a storm like 
that before. 

As we paid the bucksheesh out to sore-eyed 
children and brown, buxom girls with repulsively 
tattooed lips and chins, we filed through the town 
and by many an exquisite fresco, till we came to a 
bramble-infested inclosure and a Roman looking ruin 
which had been the veritable dwelling of St. Mary 
Magdalene, the friend and follower of Jesus. The 
guide believed it, and so did I. I could not well do 
otherwise, with the house right there before my eyes 
as plain as day. The pilgrims took down portions 
of the front wall for specimens, as is their honored 
custom, and then we departed. 

We are camped in this place, now, just within the 
city walls of Tiberias. We went into the town be 
fore nightfall and looked at its people we cared 
nothing about its houses. Its people are best ex- 

The Innocents Abroad 263 

amined at a distance. They are particularly un 
comely Jews, Arabs, and negroes. Squalor and 
poverty are the pride of Tiberias. The young 
women wear their dower strung upon a strong wire 
that curves downward from the top of the head to 
the jaw Turkish silver coins which they have raked 
together or inherited. Most of these maidens were 
not wealthy, but some few had been very kindly 
dealt with by fortune. I saw heiresses there worth, 
in their own right worth, well, I suppose I might 
venture to say, as much as nine dollars and a half. 
But such cases are rare. When you come across one 
of these, she naturally puts on airs. She will not 
ask for bucksheesh. She will not even permit of 
undue familiarity. She assumes a crushing dignity 
and goes on serenely practicing with her tine-tooth 
comb and quoting poetry just the same as if you 
were not present at all. Some people cannot stand 

They say that the long-nosed, lanky, dyspeptic- 
looking body-snatchers, with the indescribable hats 
on, and a long curl dangling down in front of each 
ear, are the old, familiar, self-righteous Pharisees we 
read of in the Scriptures. Verily, they look it. 
Judging merely by their general style, and without 
other evidence, one might easily suspect that self- 
righteousness was their specialty. 

From various authorities I have culled information 
concerning Tiberias. It was built by Herod Antipas, 
the murderer of John the Baptist, and named after 

264 The Innocents Abroad 

the Emperor Tiberius. It is believed that it stands 
upon the site of what must have been, ages ago, a city 
of considerable architectural pretensions, judging by 
the fine porphyry pillars that are scattered through 
Tiberias and down the lake shore southward. These 
were fluted once, and yet, although the stone is 
about as hard as iron, the flutings are almost worn 
away. These pillars arc small, and doubtless the 
edifices they adorned were distinguished more for 
elegance than grandeur. This modern town 
Tiberias is only mentioned in the New Testament ; 
never in the Old. 

The Sanhedrim met here last, and for three hun 
dred years Tiberias was the metropolis of the Jews 
in Palestine. It is one of the four holy cities of the 
Israelites, and is to them what Mecca is to the 
Mohammedan and Jerusalem to the Christian. It 
has been the abiding place of many learned and 
famous Jewish rabbins. They lie buried here, and 
near them lie also twenty-five thousand of their faith 
who traveled far to be near them while they lived and 
lie with them when they died. The great Rabbi Ben 
Israel spent three years here in the early part of the 
third century. He is dead, now. 

The celebrated Sea of Galilee is not so large a sea 
as Lake Tahoe* by a good deal it is just about 

I measure all lakes by Tahoe, partly because I am far more 
familiar with it than with any other, and partly because I have such a 
high admiration for it and such a world of pleasant recollections of it, 
that it is very nearly impossible for me to speak of lakes and not men 
tion ft. 

The Innocents Abroad 265 

two-thirds as large. And when we come to speak 
of beauty, this sea is no more to be compared to 
Tahoe than a meridian of longitude is to a rainbow. 
The dim waters of this pool cannot suggest the limpid 
brilliancy of Tahoe; these low, shaven, yellow hil 
locks of rocks and sand, so devoid of perspective, 
cannot suggest the grand peaks that compass Tahoe 
like a wall, and whose ribbed and chasmed fronts are 
clad with stately pines that seem to grow small 
and smaller as they climb, till one might fancy them 
reduced to weeds and shrubs far upward, where they 
join the everlasting snows. Silence and solitude 
brood over Tahoe; and silence and solitude brood 
also over this lake of Gennesaret. But the solitude 
of the one is as cheerful and fascinating as the soli 
tude of the other is dismal and repellent. 

In the early morning one watches the silent battle 
of dawn and darkness upon the waters of Tahoe 
with a placid interest; but when the shadows sulk 
away and one by one the hidden beauties of the 
shore unfold themselves in the full splendor of 
noon ; when the still surface is belted like a rainbow 
with broad bars of blue and green and white, half 
the distance from circumference to center; when, in 
the lazy summer afternoon, he lies in a boat, far out 
to where the dead blue of the deep water begins, 
and smokes the pipe of peace and idly winks at the 
distant crags and patches of snow from under his 
cap-brim ; when the boat drifts shoreward to the 
white water, and he lolls over the gunwale and gazes 

266 The Innocents Abroad 

by the hour down through the crystal depths and 
notes the colors of the pebbles and reviews the finny 
armies gliding in procession a hundred feet below; 
when at night he sees moon and stars, mountain 
ridges feathered with pines, jutting white capes, bold 
promontories, grand sweeps of rugged scenery 
topped with bald, glimmering peaks, all magnifi 
cently pictured in the polished mirror of the lake, 
in richest, softest detail, the tranquil interest that 
was born with the morning deepens and deepens, by 
sure degrees, till it culminates at last in resistless 
fascination 1 

It is solitude, for birds and squirrels on the shore 
and fishes in the water are all the creatures that are 
near to make it otherwise, but it is not the sort of 
solitude to make one dreary. Come to Galilee for 
that. If these unpeopled deserts, these rusty mounds 
of barrenness, that never, never, never do shake the 
glare from their harsh outlines, and fade and faint 
into vague perspective; that melancholy ruin of 
Capernaum ; this stupid village of Tiberias, slumber 
ing under its six funereal plumes of palms; yonder 
desolate declivity where the swine of the miracle 
ran down into the sea, and doubtless thought it was 
better to swallow a devil or two and get drowned into 
the bargain than have to live longer in such a place ; 
this cloudless, blistering sky; this solemn, sailless, 
tintless lake, reposing within its rim of yellow hills 
and low, steep banks, and looking just as expression 
less and unpoetical (when we leave its sublime history 

The Innocents Abroad 267 

out of the question), as any metropolitan reservoir 
in Christendom if these things are not food for 
rock me to sleep, mother, none exist, I think. 

But I should not offer the evidence for the prosecu 
tion and leave the defense unheard. Wm. C. Grimes 
deposes as follows: 

" We had taken ship to go over to the other side. The sea was not 
more than six miles wide. Of the beauty of the scene, however, I can 
not say enough, nor can I imagine where those travelers carried their 
eyes who have described the scenery of the lake as tame or uninteresting. 
The first great characteristic of it is the deep basin in which it liev 
This is from three to four hundred feet deep on all sides except at the 
lower end, and the sharp slope of the banks, which are all of the richest 
green, is broken and diversified by the uadys and water-courses which 
work their way down through the sides of the basin, forming dark 
chasms or light sunny valleys. Near Tiberias these banks are rocky, 
and ancient sepulchres open in them, with their doors toward the water. 
They selected grand spots, as did the Egyptians of old, for burial places, 
as if they designed that when the voice of God should reach the sleepers 
they should walk forth and open their eyes on scenes of glorious beauty. 
On the east, the wild and desolate mountains contrast finely with the 
deep blue lake; and toward the north, sublime and majestic, Hermon 
looks down on the sea, lifting his white crown to heaven with the pride 
of a hill that has seen the departing footsteps of a hundred generations. 
On the northeast shore of the sea was a single tree, and this is the 
only tree of any size visible from the water of the lake, except a few 
lonely palms in the city of Tiberias, and by its solitary position attracts 
more attention than would a forest. The whole appearance of the 
scene is precisely what we would expect and desire the scenery of 
Gennesaret to be, grand beauty, but quiet calm. The very mountains 
are calm." 

It is an Ingeniously written description, and well 
calculated to deceive. But if the paint and the rib 
bons and the flowers be stripped from it, a skeleton 
will be found beneath. 

The Innocents Abroad 

So stripped, there remains a lake six miles wide 
and neutral in color; with steep green banks, unre 
lieved by shrubbery; at one end bare, unsightly 
rocks, with (almost invisible) holes in them of no 
consequence to the picture; eastward, "wild and 
desolate mountains" (low, desolate hills, he should 
have said) ; in the north, a mountain called Hermon, 
with snow on it; peculiarity of the picture, "calm 
ness " ; its prominent feature, one tree. 

No ingenuity could make such a picture beautiful 
to one s actual vision. 

I claim the right to correct misstatements, and have 
so corrected the color of the water in the above re 
capitulation. The waters of Gennesaret are of an 
exceedingly mild blue, even from a high elevation 
and a distance of five miles. Close at hand (the wit 
ness was sailing on the lake), it is hardly proper to 
call them blue at all, much less "deep" blue. I 
wish to state, also, not as a correction, but as a 
matter of opinion, that Mount Hermon is not a strik 
ing or picturesque mountain, by any means, being 
too near the height of its immediate neighbors to be 
so. That is all. I do not object to the witness 
dragging a mountain forty-five miles to help the 
scenery under consideration, because it is entirely 
proper to do it, and, besides, the picture needs it. 

" C. W. E." (of " Life in the Holy Land "), de 
poses as follows : 

" A beautiful sea lies unbosomed among the Galilean hak, tn the 
midst of thai land once possessed by Zebulon and Naphuli, A&her and 

The Innocents Abroad 269 

Dan. The azure of the sky penetrates the depths of the lake, and the 
waters are sweet and cool. On the west, stretch broad fertile plains; 
on the north the rocky shores rise step by step until in the far distance 
tower the snowy heights of Hermon; on the east through a misty veil 
are seen the high plains of Pcrea, which stretch away in rugged moun 
tains leading the mind by varied paths toward Jerusalem the Holy. 
Flower* bloom in this terrestrial paradise, once beautiful and verdant 
with waving trees; singing birds enchant the ear; the turtle-dove soothes 
with its soft note; the crested lark sends up its song toward heaven, and 
the grave and stately stork inspires the mind with thought, and leads it 
on to meditation and repose. Life here was once idyllic, charming; 
here were once no rich, no poor, no high, no low. It was a world of 
ease, simplicity, and beauty; now it is a scene of desolation and miser}-." 

This is not an ingenious picture. It is the worst 
I ever saw. It describes in elaborate detail what it 
terms a ** terrestrial paradise," and closes with the 
startling information that this paradise is **a scene 
of desolation and misery. 

I have given two fair, average specimens of the 
character of the testimony offered by the majority of 
the writers who visit this region. One says, * Of 
the beauty of the scene I cannot say enough," and 
then proceeds to cover up with a woof of glittering 
sentences a thing which, when stripped for inspection, 
proves to be only an unobtrusive basin of water, 
some mountainous desolation, and one tree. The 
other, after a conscientious effort to build a terrestrial 
paradise out of the same materials, with the addition 
of a " grave and stately stork," spoils it all by 
blundering upon the ghastly truth at the last. 

Nearly every book concerning Galilee and its lake 
describes the scenery as beautiful. No not always 
so straightforward as that. Sometimes the impre*- 

270 The Innocents Abroad 

sion intentionally conveyed is that it is beautiful, at 
the same time that the author is careful not to say 
that it is, in plain Saxon. But a careful analysis of 
these descriptions will show that the materials of 
which they are formed are not individually beautiful 
and cannot be wrought into combinations that are 
beautiful. The veneration and the affection which 
some of these men felt for the scenes they were 
speaking of heated their fancies and biased their 
judgment; but the pleasant falsities they wrote were 
full of honest sincerity, at any rate. Others wrote 
as they did, because they feared it would be unpop 
ular to write otherwise. Others were hypocrites and 
deliberately meant to deceive. Any of them would 
say in a moment, if asked, that it was always right 
and always best to tell the truth. They would say 
that, at any rate, if they did not perceive the drift of 
the question. 

But why should not the truth be spoken of this 
region? Is the truth harmful? Has it ever needed 
to hide its face? God made the Sea of Galilee and 
its surroundings as they are. Is it the province of 
Mr. Grimes to improve upon the work? 

I am sure, from the tenor of books I have read, 
that many who have visited this land in years gone 
by, were Presbyterians, and came seeking evidences 
in support of their particular creed ; they found a 
Presbyterian Palestine, and they had already made 
up their minds to find no other, though possibly 
they did not know it, being blinded by their zeal. 

The Innocents Abroad 27! 

Others were Baptists, seeking Baptist evidences and 
a Baptist Palestine. Others were Catholics, Metho 
dists, Episcopalians, seeking evidences indorsing their 
several creeds, and a Catholic, a Methodist, an 
Episcopalian Palestine. Honest as these men s in 
tentions may have been, they were full of partialities 
and prejudices, they entered the country with their 
verdicts already prepared, and they could no more 
write dispassionately and impartially about it than 
they could about their own wives and children. 
Our pilgrims have brought their verdicts with them. 
They have shown it in their conversation ever since 
we left Beirout. I can almost tell, in set phrase, 
what they will say when they see Tabor, Nazareth, 
Jericho, and Jerusalem because I have the books 
they will "smouch " their ideas from. These author* 
write pictures and frame rhapsodies, and lesser men 
follow and see with the author s eyes instead of their 
own, and speak with his tongue. What the pilgrims 
Said at Cesarea Philippi surprised me with its wisdom. 
I found it afterwards in Robinson. What they said 
when Gennesatet burst upon their vision charmed 
me with its grace. I find it in Mr. Thompson s 
" Land and the Book." They have spoken often, in 
happily-worded language which never varied, of how 
they mean to lay their weary heads upon a stone at 
Bethel, as Jacob did, and close their dim eyes, and 
dream, perchance, of angels descending out of 
heaven on a ladder. It was very pretty. But I 
have ^recognized the weary head and the dim eyes, 

272 The Innocents Abroad 


finally. They borrowed the idea and the words 
and the construction and the punctuation 
from Grimes. The pilgrims will tell of Palestine, 
when they get home, not as it appeared to them, but 
as it appeared to Thompson and Robinson and 
Grimes with the tints varied to suit each pilgrim s 

Pilgrims, sinners, and Arabs are all abed, now, and 
the camp is still. Labor in loneliness is irksome. 
Since I made my last few notes, I have been sitting 
outside the tent for half an hour. Night is the time 
to see Galilee. Genriesaret under these lustrous stars 
has nothing repulsive about it. Gennesaret with the 
glittering reflections of the constellations flecking its 
surface, almost makes me regret that I ever saw the 
rude glare of the day upon it. Its history and its 
associations are its chief est charm, in any eyes, and 
the spells they weave are feeble in the searching light 
of the sun. Then, we scarcely feel the fetters. Our 
thoughts wander constantly to the practical concerns 
of life, and refuse to dwell upon things that seem 
vague and unreal. But when the day is done, even 
the most unimpressible must yield to the dreamy in 
fluences of this tranquil starlight. The old traditions 
of the place steal upon his memory and haunt his 
reveries, and then his fancy clothes all sights and 
sounds with the supernatural. In the lapping of the 
waves upon the beach, he hears the dip of ghostly 
oars; in the secret noises of the night he hears spirit 
voices; in the soft sweep of the breeze, the rush of 

The Innocents Abroad 273 

invisible wings. Phantom ships are on the sea, the 
dead of twenty centuries come forth from the tombs, 
and in the dirges of the night wind the songs of old 
forgotten ages find utterance again. 

In the starlight, Galilee has no boundaries but the 
broad compass of the heavens, and is a theater meet 
for great events; meet for the birth of a religion able 
to save a world ; and meet for the stately Figure ap 
pointed to stand upon its stage and proclaim its high 
decrees. But in the sunlight, one says: Is it for 
the deeds which were done and the words which 
were spoken in this little acre of rocks and sand 
eighteen centuries gone, that the bells are ringing 
to-day in the remote islands of the sea and far and 
wide over continents- that clasp the circumference of 
the huge globe? 

One can comprehend it only when night has hidden 
all incongruities and created a theater proper for so 
grand a drama. 


\Y/E took another swim in the Sea of Galilee at 
VV twilight yesterday, and another at sunrise this 
morning. We have not sailed, but three swims are 
equal to a sail, are they not? There were plenty of 
fish visible in the water, but we have no outside aids 
in this pilgrimage but "Tent Life in the Holy 
Land," "The Land and the Book," and other 
literature of like description no fishing tackle. 
There were no fish to be had in the village of 
Tiberias. True, we saw two or three vagabonds 
mending their nets, but never trying to catch any 
thing with them. 

We did not go to the ancient warm baths two 
miles below Tiberias. I had no desire in the world 
to go there. This seemed a little strange, and 
prompted me to try to discover what the cause of 
this unreasonable indifference was. It turned out 
to be simply because Pliny mentions them. 1 have 
conceived a sort of unwarrantable unfriendliness 
toward Pliny and St. Paul, because it seems as if I 
can never ferret out a place that I can have to my 
self. It always and eternally transpires that St. Paul 


The Innocents Abroad 275 

has been to that place, and Pliny has " mentioned " 

In the early morning we mounted and started. 
And then a weird apparition marched forth at the 
head of the procession a pirate, I thought, if ever 
a pirate dwelt upon land. It was a tall Arab, as 
swarthy as an Indian, young say thirty years of 
age. On his head he had closely bound a gorgeous 
yellow and red striped silk scarf, whose ends, lavishly 
fringed with tassels, hung down between his shoul 
ders and dallied with the wind. From his neck to 
his knees, in ample folds, a robe swept down that 
was a very star-spangled banner of curved and 
sinuous bars of black and white. Out of his back, 
somewhere, apparently, the long stem of a chibouk 
projected, and reached far above his right shoulder. 
Athwart his back, diagonally, and extending high 
above his left shoulder, was an Arab gun of Saladin s 
time, that was splendid with silver plating from stock 
clear up to the end of its measureless stretch of bar 
rel. About his waist was bound many and many a 
yard of elaborately figured but sadly tarnished stuff 
that came from sumptuous Persia, and among the 
baggy Mds in front the sunbeams glinted from a 
formidable battery of old brass-mounted horse pistols 
and the gilded hilts of bloodthirsty knives. There 
were holsters for more pistols appended to the 
wonderful stack of long-haired goat-skins and Persian 
carpets, which the man had been taught to regard 
in the light of a saddle; and down among the pen- 

276 The Innocents Abroad 

dulous rank of vast tassels that swung from that sad 
dle, and clanging against the iron shovel of a stirrup 
that propped the warrior s knees up toward his chin, 
was a crooked, silver-clad scimetar of such awful 
dimensions and such implacable expression that no 
man might hope to look upon it and not shudder. 
The fringed and bedizened prince whose privilege it 
is to ride the pony and lead the elephant into a 
country village is poor and naked compared to this 
chaos of paraphernalia, and the happy vanity of the 
one is the very poverty of satisfaction compared to 
the majestic serenity, the overwhelming complacency 
of the other. 

44 Who is this? What is this?" That was the 
trembling inquiry all down the line. 

4 * Our guard! From Galilee to the birthplace of 
the Saviour, the country is infested with fierce 
Bedouins, whose sole happiness it is, in this life, to 
cut and stab and mangle and murder unoffending 
Christians. Allah be with us ! " 

44 Then hire a regiment! Would you send us out 
among these desperate hordes, with no salvation in 
our utmost need but this old turret? " 

The dragoman laughed not at the facetiousness of 
the simile, for verily, that guide or that courier or 
that dragoman never yet lived upon earth who had 
in him the faintest appreciation of a joke, even 
though that joke were so broad and so ponderous 
that if it fell on him it would flatten him out like a 
postage-stamp the dragoman laughed, and then, 

The Innocents Abroad 277 

emboldened by some thought that was in his brain, 
no doubt, proceeded to extremities and winked. 

In straits like these, when a man laughs, it is en 
couraging; when he winks, it is positively reassuring. 
He finally intimated that one guard would be suffi 
cient to protect us, but that that one was an absolute 
necessity. It was because of the moral weight his 
awful panoply would have with the Bedouins. Then 
I said we didn t want any guard at all. If one fan 
tastic vagabond could protect eight armed Christians 
and a pack of Arab servants from all harm, surely 
that detachment could protect themselves. He 
shook his head doubtfully. Then I said, just think 
of how it looks think of how it would read, to self- 
reliant Americans, that we went sneaking through 
this deserted wilderness under the protection of this 
masquerading Arab, who would break his neck get 
ting out of the country if a man that was a man ever 
started after him. It was a mean, low, degrading 
position. Why were we ever told to bring navy re 
volvers with us if we had to be protected at last by 
this infamous star-spangled scum of the desert? 
These appeals were vain the dragoman only 
smiled and shook his head. 

I rode to the front and struck up an acquaintance 
with King Solomon-in-all-his-g)ory, and got him to 
show me his lingering eternity of a gun. It had a 
rusty flint lock; it was ringed and barred and plated 
with silver from end to end, but it was as desperately 
out of the perpendicular as are the billiard cues of 

278 The Innocents Abroad 

49 that one finds yet in service in the ancient mining 
camps of California. The muzzle was eaten by the 
rust of centuries into a ragged filigree-work, like 
the end of a burnt-out stovepipe. I shut one eye 
and peered within it was flaked with iron rust like 
an old steamboat boiler. I borrowed the ponderous 
pistols and snapped them. They were rusty inside, 
too had not been loaded for a generation. I went 
back, full of encouragement, and reported to the 
guide, and asked him to discharge this dismantled 
fortress. It came out, then. This fellow was a 
retainer of the Sheik of Tiberias. He was a source 
of Government revenue. He was to the Empire of 
Tiberias what the customs are to America. The 
Sheik imposed guards upon travelers and charged 
them for it. It is a lucrative source of emolument, 
and sometimes brings into the national treasury as 
much as thirty-five or forty dollars a year. 

I knew the warrior s secret now; I knew the hol 
low vanity of his rusty trumpery, and despised his 
asinine complacency. I told on him, and with reck 
less daring the cavalcade rode straight ahead into the 
perilous solitudes of the desert, and scorned his 
frantic warnings of the mutilation and death that 
hovered about them on every side. 

Arrived at an elevation of twelve hundred feet 
above the lake (I ought to mention that the lake lies 
six hundred feet below the level of the Mediter 
ranean no traveler ever neglects to flourish that 
fragment of news in his letters), as bald and un- 

The Innocents Abroad 279 

thrilling a panorama as any land can afford, perhaps, 
was spread out before us. Yet it was so crowded 
with historical interest, that if all the pages that have 
been written about it were spread upon its surface, 
they would flag it from horizon to horizon like a 
pavement. Among the localities comprised in this 
view, were Mount Hermon ; the hills that border 
Cesarea Philippi, Dan, the Sources of the Jordan 
and the Waters of Merom; Tiberias; the Sea of 
Galilee; Joseph s Pit; Capernaum; Bethsaida; the 
supposed scenes of the Sermon on the Mount, the 
feeding of the multitudes and the miraculous draught 
of fishes; the declivity down which the swine ran to 
the sea ; the entrance and the exit of the Jordan ; 
Safed, * the city set upon a hill, * one of the four 
holy cities of the Jews, and the place where they 
believe the real Messiah will appear when he comes 
to redeem the world ; part of the battlefield of 
Hattin, where the knightly Crusaders fought their 
last fight, and in a blaze of glory passed from the 
stage and ended their splendid career forever; 
Mount Tabor, the traditional scene of the Lord s 
Transfiguration. And down toward the southeast lay 
a landscape that suggested to my mind a quotation 
(imperfectly remembered, no doubt) : 

"The Ephraimites, not being called upon to share In the rich spoils 
of the Ammoniti&h war, assembled a mighty host to fight against Jeptha, 
Judge of Israel; who being apprised of their approach, gathered to 
gether the men of Israel and gave them battle and put them to flight. 
To make his victory the more secure, he stationed guards at the differ 
ent fords and passages of the Jordan, with instructions to let none pass 

280 The Innocents Abroad 

who could not say Shibboleth. The Ephraimites, being of a different 
tribe, could not frame to pronounce the word aright, but called it Sib- 
boleth, which proved them enemies and cost them their lives; wherefore 
forty and two thousand fell at the different fords and passages of the 
Jordan that day." 

We jogged along peacefully over the great caravan 
route from Damascus to Jerusalem and Egypt, past 
Lubia and other Syrian hamlets, perched, in the 
unvarying style, upon the summit of steep mounds 
and hills, and fenced round about with giant cactuses 
(the sign of worthless land), with prickly pears upon 
them like hams, and came at last to the battlefield of 

It is a grand, irregular plateau, and looks as if it 
might have been created for a battlefield. Here 
the peerless Saladin met the Christian host some 
seven hundred years ago, and broke their power in 
Palestine for all time to come. There had long 
been a truce between the opposing forces, but ac 
cording to the Guide-Book, Raynauld of Chatillon, 
Lord of Kerak, broke it by plundering a Damascus 
caravan, and refusing to give up either the merchants 
or their goods when Saladin demanded them. This 
conduct of an insolent petty chieftain stung the 
Sultan to the quick, and he swore that he would 
slaughter Raynauld with his own hand, no matter 
how, or when, or where he found him. Both 
armies prepared for war. Under the weak King of 
Jerusalem was the very flower of the Christian 
chivalry. He foolishly compelled them to undergo 
a long, exhausting march, in the scorching sun, and 

The Innocents Abroad 281 

then, without water or other refreshment, ordered them 
to encamp in this open plain. The splendidly mounted 
masses of Moslem soldiers swept round the north 
end of Gennesaret, burning and destroying as they 
came, and pitched their camp in front of the op 
posing lines. At dawn the terrific fight began. 
Surrounded on all sides by the Sultan s swarming 
battalions, the Christian Knights fought on without 
a hope for their lives. They fought with desperate 
valor, but to no purpose; the odds of heat and 
numbers and consuming thirst were too great 
against them. Toward the middle of the day the 
bravest of their band cut their way through the 
Moslem ranks and gained the summit of a little hill. 
and there, hour after hour, they closed around the 
banner of the Cross, and beat back the charging 
squadrons of the enemy. 

But the doom of the Christian power was sealed. 
Sunset found Saladin Lord of Palestine, the Chris 
tian chivalry strewn in heaps upon the field, and the 
King of Jerusalem, the Grand Master of the Tem 
plars, and Raynauld of Chatillon, captives in the 
Sultan s tent. Saladin treated two of the prisoners 
with princely courtesy, and ordered refreshments to 
be set before them. When the King handed an iced 
Sherbet to Chatillon, the Sultan said, " It is thou 
that givest it to him, not I." He remembered his 
oath, and slaughtered the hapless Knight of Chatillon 
with his own hand. 

It was hard to realize that this silent plain had 

282 The Innocents Abroad 

once resounded with martial music and trembled to 
the tramp of armed men. It was hard to people 
this solitude with rushing columns of cavalry, and 
stir its torpid pulses with the shouts of victors, the 
shrieks of the wounded, and the flash of banner and 
steel above the surging billows of war. A desolation 
is here that not even imagination can grace with the 
pomp of life and action. 

We reached Tabor safely, and considerably in 
advance of that old iron-clad swindle of a guard. 
We never saw a human being on the whole route, 
much less lawless hordes of Bedouins. Tabor 
stands solitary and alone, a giant sentinel above the 
Plain of Esdraelon. It rises some fourteen hundred 
feet above the surrounding level, a green, wooded 
cone, symmetrical and full of grace a prominent 
landmark, and one that is exceedingly pleasant to 
eyes surfeited with the repulsive monotony of desert 
Syria. We climbed the steep path to its summit, 
through breezy glades of thorn and oak. The view 
presented from its highest peak was almost beautiful. 
Below, was the broad, level plain of Esdraelon, 
checkered with fields like a chessboard, and full as 
smooth and level, seemingly; dotted about its 
borders with white, compact villages, and faintly 
penciled, far and near, with the curving lines of 
roads and trails. When it is robed in the fresh 
verdure of spring, it must form a charming picture, 
even by itself. Skirting its southern border rises 
** Little Hermon," over whose summit a glimpse of 

The Innocents Abroad 283 

Gilboa is caught. Nain, famous for tha raising of 
the widow s son, and Endor, as famous for the per 
formances of her witch, are in view. To the east 
ward lies the Valley of the Jordan and beyond it the 
mountains of Gilead. Westward is Mount Carmel. 
Hermon in the north the table-lands of Bashan 
Safed, the holy city, gleaming white upon a tall spur 
of the mountains of Lebanon a steel-blue corner 
of the Sea of Galilee saddle-peaked Hattin, tradi 
tional " Mount of Beatitudes " and mute witness of 
the last brave fight of the Crusading host for Holy 
Cross these fill up the picture. 

To glance at the salient features of this landscape 
through the picturesque framework of a ragged and 
ruined stone window-arch of the time of Christ, thus 
hiding from sight all that is unattractive, is to secure 
to yourself a pleasure worth climbing the mountain 
to enjoy. One must stand on his head to get the 
best effect in a fine sunset, and set a landscape in a 
bold, strong framework that is very close at hand, 
to bring out all its beauty. One learns this latter 
truth never more to forget it, in that mimic land 
of enchantment, the wonderful garden of my lord 
the Count Pallavicini, near Genoa. You go wander 
ing for hours among hills and wooded glens, art 
fully contrived to leave the impression that Nature 
shaped them and not man ; following winding paths 
and coming suddenly upon leaping cascades and 
rustic bridges; finding sylvan lakes where you ex 
pected them not; loitering through battered mediae- 

284 The Innocents Abroad 

val castles in miniature that seem hoary with age ana 
yet were built a dozen years ago ; meditating over 
ancient crumbling tombs, whose marble columns 
were marred and broken purposely by the modern 
artist that made them; stumbling unawares upon 
toy palaces, wrought of rare and costly materials, 
and again upon a peasant s hut, whose dilapidated 
furniture would never suggest that it was made so to 
order; sweeping round and round in the midst of a 
forest on an enchanted wooden horse that is moved 
by some invisible agency ; traversing Roman roads 
and passing under majestic triumphal arches; rest 
ing in quaint bowers where unseen spirits discharge 
jets of water on you from every possible direction, 
and where even the flowers you touch assail you 
with a shower; boating on a subterranean lake 
among caverns and arches royally draped with 
clustering stalactites, and passing out into open day 
upon another lake, which is bordered with sloping 
banks of grass and gay with patrician barges that 
swim at anchor in the shadow of a miniature marble 
temple that rises out of the clear water and glasses 
its white statues, its rich capitals and fluted columns 
in the tranquil depths. So, from marvel to marvel 
you have drifted on, thinking all the time that the 
one last seen rmist be the chiefcst. And, verily, 
the chiefcst wonder is reserved until the last, but 
you do not see it until you step ashore, and passing 
through a wilderness of rare flowers, collected from 
every corner of the earth, you stand at the door of 

The Innocents Abroad 285 

one more mimic temple. Right in this place the 
artist taxed his genius to the utmost, and fairly 
opened the gates of fairy land. You look through 
an unpretending pane of glass, stained yellow; the 
first thing you see is a mass of quivering foliage, ten 
short steps before you, in the midst of which is a 
ragged opening like a gateway a thing that is 
common enough in nature, and not apt to excite 
suspicions of a deep human design and above the 
bottom of the gateway, project, in the most careless 
way, a few broad tropic leaves and brilliant flowers. 
All of a sudden, through this bright, bold gateway, 
you catch a glimpse of the faintest, softest, richest 
picture that ever graced the dream of a dying Saint, 
since John saw the New Jerusalem glimmering above 
the clouds of Heaven. A broad sweep of sea, 
flecked with careening sails; a sharp, jutting cape, 
and a lofty lighthouse on it; a sloping lawn behind 
it; beyond, a portion of the old "city of palaces," 
with its parks and hills and stately mansions ; beyond 
these, a prodigious mountain, with its strong out 
lines sharply cut against ocean and sky; and, over 
all, vagrant shreds and flakes of cloud, floating in a 
sea of gold. The ocean is gold, the city is gold, 
the meadow, the mountain, the sky everything is 
golden rich, and mellow, and dreamy as a vision 
of Paradise. No artist could put upon canvas its 
entrancing beauty, and yet, without the yellow 
glass, and the carefully contrived accident of a 
framework that cast it into enchanted distance and 

286 The Innocents Abroad 

shut out from it all unattractive features, it was not 
a picture to fall into ecstasies over. Such is life, 
and the trail of the serpent is over us all. 

There is nothing for it now but to come back to 
old Tabor, though the subject is tiresome enough, 
and I cannot stick to it for wandering off to scenes 
that are pleasanter to remember. I think I will 
skip, anyhow. There is nothing about Tabor (ex 
cept we concede that it was the scene of the Trans 
figuration), but some gray old ruins, stacked up 
there in all ages of the world from the days of stout 
Gideon and parties that flourished thirty centuries 
ago to the fresh yesterday of Crusading times. It 
has its Greek Convent, and the coffee there is good, 
but never a splinter of the true cross or bone of a 
hallowed saint to arrest the idle thoughts of world 
lings and turn them into graver channels. A Cath 
olic church is nothing to me that has no relics. 

The plain of Esdraelon " the battlefield of the 
nations" only sets one to dreaming of Joshua, 
and Benhadad, and Saul, and Gideon; Tamerlane, 
Tancred, Coeur de Lion, and Saladin; the warrior 
Kings of Persia, Egypt s heroes, and Napoleon 
for they all fought here. If the magic of the moon 
light could summon from the graves of forgotten 
centuries and many lands the countless myriads that 
have battled on this wide, far-reaching floor, and 
array them in the thousand strange costumes of their 
hundred nationalities, and send the vast host sweep 
ing down the plain, splendid with plumes and ban- 

The Innocents Abroad 287 

ners and glittering lances, I could stay here an age 
to see the phantom pageant. But the magic of the 
moonlight is a vanity and a fraud; and whoso 
puttcth his trust in it shall suffer sorrow and disap 

Down at the foot of Tabor, and just at the edge 
of the storied Plain of Esdraelon, is the insignificant 
village of Deburieh, where Deborah, prophetess of 
Israel, lived. It is just like Magdala. 


WE descended from Mount Tabor, crossed a deer, 
ravine, and followed a hilly, rocky road to 
Nazareth distant two hours. All distances in the 
East are measured by hours, not miles. A good 
horse will walk three miles an hour over nearly any 
kind of a road; therefore, an hour here always 
stands for three miles. This method of computation 
is bothersome and annoying; and until one gets 
thoroughly accustomed to it, it carries no intelli 
gence to his mind until he has stopped and trans 
lated the pagan hours into Christian miles, just as 
people^ do with the spoken words of a foreign 
language they are acquainted with, but not familiarly 
enough to catch the meaning in a moment. Dis 
tances traveled by human feet are also estimated by 
hours and minutes, though I do not know what the 
base of the calculation is. In Constantinople you 
ask, 44 How far is it to the Consulate?" and they 
answer, " About ten minutes." " How far is it to 
the Lloyds Agency?" " Quarter of an hour." 
* How far is it to the lower bridge?" " Four min 
utes." I cannot be positive about it, but I think 
that there, when a man orders a pair of pantaloons, 

The Innocents Abroad 289 

he says he wants them a quarter of a minute in the 
legs and nine seconds around the waist. 

Two hours from Tabor to Nazareth and as it was 
an uncommonly narrow, crooked trail, we neces 
sarily met all the camel trains and jackass caravans 
between Jericho and Jacksonville in that particular 
place and nowhere else. The donkeys do not matter 
so much, because they are so small that you can 
jump your horse over them if he is an animal of 
spirit, but a camel is not jumpable. A camel is as 
tall as any ordinary dwelling-house in Syria which 
is to say a camel is from one to two, and sometimes 
nearly three feet taller than a good-sized man. In 
this part of the country his load is oftenest in the 
shape of colossal sacks one on each side. He 
and his cargo take up as much room as a carriage. 
Think of meeting this style of obstruction in a 
narrow trail. The camel would not turn out for a 
king. He stalks serenely along, bringing his cush 
ioned stilts forward with the long, regular swing of 
a pendulum, and whatever is in the way must get 
out of the way peaceably, or be wiped out forcibly 
by the bulky sacks. It was a tiresome ride to us, 
and perfectly exhausting to the horses. We were 
compelled to jump over upward of eighteen hundred 
donkeys, and only one person in the party was un 
seated less than sixty times by the camels. This 
seems like a powerful statement, but the poet has 
said, "Things are not what they seem." i cannot 
think of anything now mote certain to make one 

290 The Innocents Abroad 

shudder, than to have a soft-footed camel sneak up 
behind him and touch him on the ear with its cold, 
flabby under lip. A camel did this for one of the 
boys, who was drooping over his saddle in a brown 
study. He glanced up and saw the majestic appari 
tion hovering above him, and made frantic efforts to 
get out of the way, but the camel reached out and 
bit him on the shoulder before he accomplished it. 
This was the only pleasant incident of the journey. 

At Nazareth we camped in an olive grove near 
the Virgin Mary s fountain, and that wonderful 
Arab "guard" came to collect some bucksheesh 
for his * services " in following us from Tiberias 
and warding off invisible dangers with the terrors of 
his armament. The dragoman had paid his master, 
but that counted as nothing if you hire a man to 
sneeze for you here, and another man chooses to 
help him, you have got to pay both. They do 
nothing whatever without pay. How it must have 
surprised these people to hear the way of salvation 
offered to them " without money and without price." 
If the manners, the people, or the customs of this 
country have changed since the Saviour s time, the 
figures and metaphors of the Bible are not the evi 
dences to prove it by. 

We entered the great Latin Convent which is 
built over the traditional dwelling-place of the Holy 
Family. We went down a flight of fifteen steps 
below the ground level, and stood in a small chapel 
tricked out with tapestry hangings, silver lamps, and 

The Innocents Abroad 291 

oil paintings. A spot marked by a cross, in the 
marble floor, under the altar, was exhibited as the 
place made forever holy by the feet of the Virgin 
when she stood up to receive the message of the 
angel. So simple, so unpretending a locality, to be 
the scene of so mighty an event ! The very scene 
of the Annunciation an event which has been 
commemorated by splendid shrines and august 
temples ail over the civilized world, and one which 
the princes of art have made it their loftiest ambition 
to picture worthily on their canvas; a spot whose 
history is familiar to the very children of every 
house, and city, and obscure hamlet of the furthest 
lands of Christendom ; a spot which myriads of men 
would toil across the breadth of a world to see, 
would consider it a priceless privilege to look upon. 
It was easy to think these thoughts. But it was not 
easy to bring myself up to the magnitude of the 
situation. I could sit off several thousand miles and 
imagine the angel appearing, with shadowy wings 
and lustrous countenance, and note the glory that 
streamed downward upon the Virgin s head while 
the message from the Throne of God fell upon her 
ears any one can do that, beyond the ocean, but 
few can do it here. I saw the little recess from 
which the angel stepped, but could not fill its void. 
The angels that I know are creatures of unstable 
fancy they will not fit in niches of substantial 
stone. Imagination labors best in distant fields. I 
doubt if any man can stand in the Grotto of the 

292 The Innocents Abroad 

Annunciation and people with the phantom images 
of his mind its too tangible walls of stone. 

They showed us a broken granite pillar, depend 
ing from the roof, which they said was hacked in 
two by the Moslem conquerors of Nazareth, in the 
vain hope of pulling down the sanctuary. But the 
pillar remained miraculously suspended in the air, 
and, unsupported itself, supported then and still 
supports the roof. By dividing this statement up 
among eight, it was found not difficult to believe it. 

These gifted Latin monks never do anything by 
halves. If they were to show you the Brazen Ser 
pent that was elevated in the wilderness, you could 
depend upon it that they had on hand the pole it 
was elevated on also, and even the hole it stood in. 
They have got the " Grotto" of the Annunciation 
here; and just as convenient to it as one s throat is 
to his mouth, they have also the Virgin s Kitchen, 
and even her sitting-room, where she and Joseph 
watched the infant Saviour play with Hebrew toys 
eighteen hundred years ago. All under one roof, 
and all clean, spacious, comfortable ** grottoes." 
It seems curious that personages intimately con 
nected with the Holy Family always lived in grot 
toes in Nazareth, in Bethlehem, in imperial 
Ephesus and yet nobody else in their day and 
generation thought of doing anything of the kind. 
If they ever did, their grottoes are all gone, and I 
suppose we ought to wonder at the peculiar marvel 
of the preservation of these I speak of. When the 

The Innocents Abroad 29} 

Virgin fled from Herod s wrath, she hid in a grotto 
in Bethlehem, and the same is there to this day. 
The slaughter of the innocents in Bethlehem was 
done in a grotto ; the Saviour was born in a grotto 
both are shown to pilgrims yet. It is exceed 
ingly strange that these tremendous events all hap 
pened in grottoes and exceedingly fortunate, like 
wise, because the strongest houses must crumble to 
ruin in time, but a grotto in the living rock will last 
forever. It is an imposture this grotto stuff 
but it is one that all men ought to thank the Cath 
olics for. Wherever they ferret out a lost locality 
made holy by some Scriptural event, they straightway 
build a massive almost imperishable church 
there, and preserve the memory of that locality for 
the gratification of future generations. If it had 
be^n left to Protestants to do this most worthy 
work, we would not even know where Jerusalem is 
to-day, and the man who could go and put his finger 
on Nazareth would be too wise for this world. The 
world owes the Catholics its good will even for the 
happy rascality of hewing out these bogus grottoes 
in the rock ; for it is infinitely more satisfactory to 
look at a grotto, where people have faithfully be 
lieved for centuries that the Virgin once lived, than 
to have to imagine a dwelling-place for her some 
where, anywhere, nowhere, loose and at large all 
over th S town of Nazareth. There is too large a 
scope of country. The imagination cannot work. 
There is no one particular spot to chain your eye, 

294 The Innocents Abroad 

rivet your interest, and make you think. The mem. 
ory of the Pilgrims cannot perish while Plymouth 
Rock remains to us. The old monks are wise. 
They know how to drive a stake through a pleasant 
tradition that will hold it to its place forever. 

We visited the places where Jesus worked for 
fifteen years as a carpenter, and where he attempted 
to teach in the synagogue and was driven out by a 
mob. Catholic chapels stand upon these sites and 
protect the little fragments of the ancient walls 
which remain. Our pilgrims broke off specimens. 
We visited, also, a new chapel, in the midst of the 
town, which is built around a bowlder some twelve 
feet long by four feet thick; the priests discovered, 
a few years ago, that the disciples had sat upon this 
rock to rest once, when they had walked up from 
Capernaum. They hastened to preserve the relic. 
Relics are very good property. Travelers are ex 
pected to pay for seeing them, and they do it cheer 
fully. We like the idea. One s conscience can 
never be the worse for the knowledge that he has 
paid his way like a man. Our pilgrims would have 
liked very well to get out their lampblack and 
stencil-plates and paint their names on , that rock, 
together with the names of the villages they hail 
from in America, but the priests permit nothing of 
that kind. To speak the strict truth, however, our 
party seldom oftend in that way, though we have 
men in the ship who never lose an opportunity to 
do it Our pilgrims chief sin is their lust for 

The Innocents Abroad 295 

" specimens." I suppose that by this time they 
know the dimensions of that rock to an inch, and 
its weight to a ton ; and I do not hesitate to charge 
that they will go back there to-night and try to 
carry it off. 

This ** Fountain of the Virgin " is the one which 
tradition says Mary used to get water from, twenty 
times a day, when she was a girl, and bear it away 
in a jar upon her head. The water streams through 
faucets in the face of a wall of ancient masonry 
which stands removed from the houses of the village. 
The young girls of Nazareth still collect about it by 
the dozen and keep up a riotous laughter and sky 
larking. The Nazarene girls are homely. Some of 
them have large, lustrous eyes, but none of them 
have pretty faces. These girls wear a single gar 
ment, usually, and it is loose, shapeless, of unde 
cided color; it is generally out of repair, too. 
They wear, from crown to jaw, curious strings of 
old coins, after the manner of the belles of Tiberias, 
and brass jewelry upon their wrists and in their ears. 
They wear no shoes and stockings. They are the 
most human girls we have found in the country yet, 
and the best naturcd. But there is no question that 
these picturesque maidens sadly lack comeliness. 

A pilgrim the " Enthusiast " said : " See that 
tall, graceful girl! look at the Madonna-like beauty 
of her countenance!" 

Another pilgrim came along presently and said : 
" Observe that tall, graceful girl; what queenly 

296 The Innocents Abroad 

Madonna-like gracefulness of beauty is in her 

I said: " She is not tall, she is short; she is not 
beautiful, she is homely; she is graceful enough, I 
^rant, but she is rather boisterous." 

The third and last pilgrim moved by, before long, 
and he said: " Ah, what a tall, graceful girl! what 
Madonna-like gracefulness of queenly beauty!" 

The verdicts were all in. It was time, now, to 
look up the authorities for all these opinions. I 
found this paragraph, which follows. Written by 
whom? Wm. C. Grimes: 

" After we were in the saddle, we rode down to the spring to have 
a last look at the women of Nazareth, who were, as a class, much the 
prettiest that we had seen in the East. As we approached the crowd a 
tall girl of nineteen advanced toward Miriam and offered her a cup of 
water. Her movement was graceful and queenly. We exclaimed on 
the spot at the Madonna-like beauty of her countenance. Whitely was 
suddenly thirsty, and begged for water, and drank it slowly, with his 
eyes over the top of the cup, fixed on her large black eyes, which gazed 
on him quite as curiously as he on her. Then Moreright wanted water. 
She gave it to him and he managed to spill it so as to ask for another 
cup, and by the time she came to me she saw through the operation; 
her eyes were full of fun as she looked at me. I laughed outright, and 
she joined me in as gay a shout as ever country maiden in old Orange 
county. I wished for a picture of her. A Madonna, whose face was a 
portrait of that beautiful Nazareth girl, would be a thing of beauty and 
a joy forever/ 

That is the kind of gruel which has been served 
out from Palestine for ages. Commend me to 
Fenimore Cooper to find beauty in the Indians, 
and to Grimes to find it in the Arabs. Arab men 
are often fine looking, but Arab women are not. 

The Innocents Abroad 297 

We can all believe that the Virgin Mary was beau 
tiful; it is not natural to think otherwise; but does 
it follow that it is our duty to find beauty in these 
present women of Nazareth? 

I love to quote from Grimes, because he is so 
dramatic. And because he is so romantic. And 
because he seems to care but little whether he tells 
the truth or not, so he scares the reader or excites 
his envy or his admiration. 

He went through this peaceful land with one 
hand forever on his revolver, and the other on his 
pocket-handkerchief. Always, when he was not on 
the point of crying over a holy place, he was on the 
point of killing an Arab. More surprising things 
happened to him in Palestine than ever happened to 
any traveler here or elsewhere since Munchausen 

At Beit Jin, where nobody had interfered with 
him, be crept out of his tent at dead of night and 
shot at what he took to be an Arab lying on a 
rock, some distance away, planning evil. The ball 
killed a wolf. Just before he fired, he makes a 
dramatic picture of himself as usual, to scare the 
reader : 

" Was it imagination, or did I see a moving object on the surface of 
the rock? If it were a man, why did he not now drop me? lie had 
beautiful shot as I stood out in my black boomoose against the whit* 
tent. I had the sensation of an entering bullet in my throat, breast, 

Reckless creature! 

298 The Innocents Abroad 

Riding toward Gennesaret, they saw two Bedouins, 
and "we looked to our pistols and loosened them 
quietly in our shawls," etc. Always cool. 

In Samaria, he charged up a hill, in the face of a 
volley of stpnes; he fired into the crowd of men 
who threw them. He says: 

" / never lost an opportunity of impressing the Arabs with the per 
fection of American and English weapons, and the danger of attacking 
any one of the armed Franks. I think the lesson of that boll not lost." 

At Beitin he gave his whole band of Arab mule 
teers a piece of his mind, and then 

" I contented myself with a solemn assurance that if there occurred 
another instance of disobedience to orders, I would thrash the responsi 
ble party s& he never dreamed of being thrashed, and if I could not find 
who was responsible, I would whip them all, from first to last, whether 
there was a governor at hand to do it or I had to do it myself.* 

Perfectly fearless, this man. 

He rode down the perpendicular path in the 
rocks, from the Castle of Banias to the oak grove, 
at a flying gallop, his horse striding "thirty feet" 
at every bound. I stand prepared to bring thirty 
reliable witnesses to prove that Putnam s famous 
feat at Horseneck was insignificant compared to 

Behold him always theatrical booking at Jeru 
salem this time, by an oversight, with his hand off 
his pistol for once. 

I stood in the road, my hand on my horse s neck, and with my 
dim eyes sought to trace the outlines of the holy places which I had 
long before fixed in my mind, but the fast-flowing tears forbade my suc 
ceeding. There were our Mohammedan servants, a Latin monk, two 

The Innocents Abroad 299 

Armenians, and a Jew in our cortege, and aD alike gazed with orerflow- 

If Latin monks and Arabs cried, I know to a 
moral certainty that the horses cried also, and to 
the picture is complete. 

But when necessity demanded he could be firm as 
adamant. In the Lebanon Valley an Arab youth 
a Christian ; he is particular to explain that Moham 
medans do not steal robbed him of a paltry ten 
dollars worth of powder and shot. He convicted 
him before a sheik and looked on while he was 
punished by the terrible bastinado. Hear him: 

" He (Mousa) was on his back in a twinkling, howling, shouting, 
creaming, but he was carried out to the piazza before the door, where 
we could see the operation, and laid face down. One man sat on hii 
back and one on his legs, the latter holding up his feet, while a third 
laid on the bare Mies a rhinoceros-hide koorbjuh that whizzed through 
the air at every stroke. Poor Moreright was in agony, and Nama and 
Nama the Second (mother and sister of Mousa) were on their fare* 
begging and wailing, now embracing my knees and now Whitely s, while 
the brother, outside, made the air ring with cries louder than Mousa * 
Even Vusef came and asked me on his knees to relent, and last of all, 
Betuni the rascal had lost a feed-bag in their boose and had been 
loudest in his denunciations that morning besought the Howajji to 
have mercy on the fellow." 

But not he! The punishment was * suspended/ 
at the fifteenth blow, to hear the confession. Then 
Grimes and his party rode away, and left the entire 

"A koorbash is Arabic for cowhide, the cow being a rhinoceros. 
It is the most cruel whip known to fame. Heavy as lead and flexible 
as India-rubber, usually about forty inches long and tapering gradually 
from an inch in diameter to a point, it administers a blow which 
its mark for timt" Sf<no Lift in F.gyfa br the same author. 

JOO The Innocents Abroad 

Christian family to be fined and as severely punished 
as the Mohammedan sheik should deem proper. 

" As I mounted, Yusef once more begged me to interfere and have 
mercy on them, but I looked around at the dark faces of the crowd, 
and I couldn t find one drop of pity in my heart for them. * 

He closes his picture with a rollicking burst of 
humor which contrasts finely with the grief of the 
mother and her children. 

One more paragraph: 

"Then once more I bowed my head. It is no shame to have wept 
in Palestine. I wept when I saw Jerusalem, I wept when I lay in the 
starlight at Bethlehem, I wept on the blessed shores of Galilee. My 
hand was no less firm on the rein, my finger did not tremble on the 
trigger of my pistol when I rode with it in my right hand along the 
shore of the blue sea " (weeping. ) " My eye was not dimmed by those 
tears nor my heart in aught weakened. Let him who would sneer at 
my emotion close this volume here, for he will find little to his taste in 
my journeyings through Holy Land." 

He never bored but he struck water. 

I am aware that this is a pretty voluminous notice 
of Mr. Grimes book. However, it is proper and 
legitimate to speak of it, for " Nomadic Life in 
Palestine " is a representative book the representa 
tive of a class of Palestine books and a criticism 
upon it will serve for a criticism upon them all. 
And since I am treating it in the comprehensive 
capacity of a representative book, I have taken the 
liberty of giving to both book and author fictitious 
names. Perhaps it is in better taste, anyhow, to do 


NAZARETH is wonderfully interesting because 
the town has an air about it of being precisely 
as Jesus left it, and one finds himself saying, all the 
time, **The boy Jesus has stood in this doorway 
has played in that street has touched these stones 
with his hands has rambled over these chalky 
hills." Whoever shall write the Boyhood of Jesus 
ingeniously, will make a book which will possess a 
vivid interest for young and old alike. I judge so 
from the greater interest we found in Nazareth than 
any of our speculations upon Capernaum and the 
Sea of Galilee gave rise to. It was not possible, 
standing by the Sea of Galilee, to frame more than 
a vague, far-away idea of the majestic Personage 
who walked upon the crested waves as if they had 
been solid earth, and who touched the dead and they 
rose up and spoke. I read among my notes, now, 
with a new interest, some sentences from an edition 
of 1621 of the Apocryphal New Testament. 

" Christ, kissed by ft bride made dumb by sorcerers, cures her. A 
leprous girl cured by the water in which the infant Christ was washed, 


302 The Innocents Atroad 

and becomes the servant of Joseph and Mary. The leprous son of a 
I rince cured in like manner. 

" A young man who had been bewitched and turned into a mule, 
miraculously cured by the infant Saviour being put on his back, and k 
married to the girl who had been cured of leprosy. Whereupon the 
bystanders praise God. 

"Chapter 16. Christ miraculously widens or contracts gates, milk - 
pails, sieves, or boxes not properly made by Joseph, he not being skillful 
at his carpenter s trade. The King of Jerusalem gives Joseph an order 
for a throne. Joseph works on it for two years and makes it two spans 
too short. The King being angry with him, Jesus comforts him 
commands him to pull one side of the throne while he pulls the other, 
and brings it to its proper dimensions. 

" Chapter 19. Jesus, charged with throwing a boy from the roof of 
a house, miraculously causes the dead boy to speak and acquit him; 
fetches water for his mother, breaks the pitcher and miraculously gathers 
the water in his mantle and brings it home. 

44 Sent to a schoolmaster, refuses to tell his letters, and the school 
master going to whip him, his hand withers. 1 * 

Further on in this quaint volume of rejected gos 
pels is an epistle of St. Clement to the Corinthians, 
which was used in the churches and considered 
genuine fourteen or fifteen hundred years ago. In 
it this account of the fabled phoenix occurs: 

" I. Let us consider that wonderful type of the resurrection, which 
is seen in the Eastern countries, that is to say, in Arabia. 

2. There is a certain bird called a phoenix. Of this there is never 
but one at a time, and that lives five hundred years. And when the 
time of its dissolution draws near, that it must die, it makes itself a nest 
of frankincense, and myrrh, and other spices, into which, when its time 
is fulfilled, it enters and dies. 

" 3. But its flesh, putrefying, breeds a certain worm, which being 
nourished by the juice of the dead bird, brings forth feathers; and when 
h is grown to a perfect state, it takes up the nest in which the bones of 
its parent lie, and carriet it from Arabia into Egypt, to a city called 

The Innocents Abroad 303 

" 4. And flying in open day in the ripht of all mem, lays it upon the 
altar of the sun, and so returns from whence it came. 

"5. The priests then search into the records of the time, and find 
that it returned precisely at the end of five hundred yean." 

Business is business, and there is nothing like 
punctuality, especially in a phoenix. 

The few chapters relating to the infancy of the 
Saviour contain many things which seem frivolous 
and not worth preserving. A large part of the re 
maining portions of the book read like good Scrip 
ture, however. There is one verse that ought not 
to have been rejected, because it so evidently pro 
phetically refers to the general run of Congresses of 
the United States: 

" 199. They carry themselves high, and as prudent men; and though 
they are fools, yet would seem to be teachers." 

I have set these extracts down, as I found them. 
Everywhere, among the cathedrals of France and 
Italy, one finds traditions of personages that do not 
figure in the Bible, and of miracles that are not 
mentioned in its pages. But they are all in this 
Apocryphal New Testament, and though they have 
been ruled out of our modern Bible, it is claimed 
that they were accepted gospel twelve or fifteen 
centuries ago, and ranked as high in credit as any. 
One needs to read this book before he visits those 
venerable cathedrals, with their treasures of tabooed 
and forgotten tradition. 

They imposed another pirate upon us at Nazareth 
another invincible Arab guard. We took our 

304 The Innocents Abroad 

last look at the city, clinging like a whitewashed 
wasp s nest to the hillside, and at eight o clock in 
the morning, departed. We dismounted and drove 
the horses down a bridle-path which I think was 
fully as crooked as a corkscrew ; which I know to 
be as steep as the downward sweep of a rainbow, 
and which I believe to be the worst piece of road in 
the geography, except one in the Sandwich Islands, 
which I remember painfully, and possibly one or 
two mountain trails in the Sierra Nevadas. Often, 
in this narrow path, the horse had to poise himself 
nicely on a rude stone step and then drop his fore 
feet over the edge and down something more than 
half his own height. This brought his nose near 
the ground, while his tail pointed up toward the sky 
somewhere, and gave him the appearance of pre 
paring to stand on his head. A horse cannot look 
dignified in this position. We accomplished the 
long descent at last, and trotted across the great 
Plain of Esdraelon. 

Some of us will be shot before we finish this 
pilgrimage. The pilgrims read " Nomadic Life" 
and keep themselves in a constant state of Quixotic 
heroism. They have their hands on their pistols all 
the time, and every now and then, when you least 
expect it, they snatch them out and take aim at 
Bedouins who are not visible, and draw their knives 
and make savage passes at other Bedouins who do 
not exist. I am in deadly peril always, for these 
spasms are sudden and irregular, and, of course, I 

The Innocents Abroad 305 

cannot tell when to be getting out of the way. If I 
am accidentally murdered, some time, during one of 
these romantic* frenzies of the pilgrims, Mr. Grimes 
must be rigidly held to answer as an accessory before 
the fact. If the pilgrims would take deliberate aim 
and shoot at a man, it would be all right and 
proper because that man would not be in any 
danger; but these random assaults are what I object 
to. I do not wish to see any more places like 
Esdraelon, where the ground is level and people can 
gallop. It puts melodramatic nonsense into the 
pilgrims heads. All at once, when one is jogging 
along stupidly in the sun, and thinking about some 
thing ever so far away, here they come, at a stormy 
gallop, spurring and whooping at those ridgy old 
sore-backed plugs till their heels fly higher than their 
heads, and, as they whiz by, out comes a little potato 
gun of a revolver, there is a startling little pop, and 
a small pellet goes singing through the air. Now 
that I have begun this pilgrimage, I intend to go 
through with it, though, sooth to say, nothing but 
the most desperate valor has kept me to my purpose 
up to the present time. I do not mind Bedouins, 
I am not afraid of them; because neither Bedouins 
nor ordinary Arabs have shown any disposition to 
harm us, but I do feel afraid of my own comrades. 
Arriving at the furthest verge of the Plain, we 
rode a little way up a hill and found ourselves at 
Endor, famous for its witch. Her descendants are 
there yet. They were the wildest horde of half- 

306 The Innocents Abroad 

naked savages we have found thus far. They 
swarmed out of mud beehives; out of hovels of 
the drygoods box pattern; out of gaping caves 
under shelving rocks; out of crevices in the earth. 
In five minutes the dead solitude and silence of the 
place were no more, and a begging, screeching, 
shouting mob were struggling about the horses feet 
and blocking the way. " Bucksheesh ! bucksheesh ! 
bucksheesh ! howajji, bucksheesh !" ItwasMagdala 
over again, only here the glare from the infidel eyes 
was fierce and full of hate. The population numbers 
two hundred and fifty, and more than half the 
citizens live in caves in the rock. Dirt, degradation, 
and savagery are Endor s specialty. We say no 
more about Magdala and Deburieh now. Endor 
heads the list. It is worse than any Indian cam- 
foodie. The hill is barren, rocky, and forbidding 
No sprig of grass is visible, and only one tree. 
This is a fig tree, which maintains a precarious foot 
ing among the rocks at the mouth of the dismal 
cavern once occupied by the veritable Witch of 
Endor. In this cavern, tradition says, Saul, the 
King, sat at midnight, and stared and trembled, 
while the earth shook, the thunders crashed among 
the hills, and out of the midst of fire and smoke the 
spirit of the dead prophet rose up and confronted 
him. Saul had crept to this place in the darkness, 
while his army slept, to learn what fate awaited him 
in the morrow s battle. He went away a sad man, 
k> meet disgrace and death. 

The Innocents Abroad 307 

A spring trickles out of the rock in the gloomy 
recesses of the cavern, and we were thirsty. The 
citizens of Endor objected to our going in there. 
They do not mind dirt; they do not mind rags; 
they do not mind vermin ; they do not mind bar 
barous ignorance and savagery; they do not mind a 
reasonable degree of starvation, but they do like to 
be pure and holy before their god, whoever he may 
be, and therefore they shudder and grow almost 
pale at the idea of Christian lips polluting a spring 
whose waters must descend into their sanctified 
gullets. We had no wanton desire to wound even 
their feelings or trample upon their prejudices, but 
we were out of water, thus early in the day, and 
were burning up with thirst. It was at this time 
and under these circumstances that I framed an 
aphorism which has already become celebrated. I 
said: * Necessity knows no law." We went in and 

We got away from the noisy wretches, finally, 
dropping them in squads and couples as we filed 
over the hills the aged first, the infants next, the 
young girls further on ; the strong men ran beside 
us a mile, and only left when they had secured the 
last possible piastre in the way of buckshccsh. 

In an hour, we reached Nain, where Christ raised 
the widow s son to life. Nain is Magdala on a 
small scale. It has no population of any conse 
quence. Within a hundred yards of it is the 
original graveyard, for aught I know, the tomb- 

308 The Innocents Abroad 

stones lie flat on the ground, which is Jewish fashion 
in Syria. I believe the Moslems do not allow them 
to have upright tombstones. A Moslem grave is 
usually roughly plastered over and whitewashed, and 
has at one end an upright projection which is shaped 
into exceedingly rude attempts at ornamentation. 
In the cities, there is often no appearance of a grave 
at all; a tall, slender marble tombstone, elaborately 
lettered, gilded and painted, marks the burial place, 
and this is surmounted by a turban, so carved and 
shaped as to signify the dead man s rank in life. 

They showed a fragment of ancient wall which 
they said was one side of the gate out of which the 
widow s dead son was being brought so many 
centuries ago when Jesus met the procession : 

" Now when he came nigh to the gate of the city, behold there was 
a dead man carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a 
widow; and much people of the city was with her. 

" And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said, 
Weep not. 

"And he came and touched the bier: and they that bare him stood 
stiD. And he said, Young man, I say unto thee, arise. 

" And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak. And he 
delivered him to his mother. 

" And there came a fear on all. And they glorified God, saying, 
That a great prophet is risen up among us; and That God hath visited 
his people." 

A little mosque stands upon the spot which tradi 
tion says was occupied by the widow s dwelling. 
Two or three aged Arabs sat about its door. We 
entered, and the pilgrims broke specimens from the 
foundation walls, though they had to touch, and 

Ihc Innocents Abroad 309 

even step, upon the " praying carpets" to do it. 
It was almost the same as breaking pieces from the 
hearts of those old Arabs. To step rudely upon 
the sacred praying mats, with booted feet a thing 
not done by any Arab was to inflict pain upon 
men who had not offended us in any way. Suppose 
a party of armed foreigners were to enter a village 
church in America and break ornaments from the 
altar railings for curiosities, and climb up and walk 
upon the Bible and the pulpit cushions? However, 
the cases are different. One is the profanation of a 
temple of our faith the other only the profanation 
of a pagan one. 

We descended to the Plain again, and halted a 
moment at a well of Abraham s time, no doubt. 
It was in a desert place. It was walled three feet 
above ground with squared and heavy blocks of 
stone, after the manner of Bible pictures. Around 
it some camels stood, and others knelt. There was a 
group of sober little donkeys with naked, dusky 
children clambering about them, or sitting astride 
their rumps, or pulling their tails. Tawny, black- 
eyed, barefooted maids, arrayed in rags and adorned 
with brazen armlets and pinchbeck earrings, were 
poising water-jars upon their heads, or drawing water 
from the well. A flock of sheep Mood by, waiting 
for the shepherds to fill the hollowed stones with 
water, so that they might drink stones which, like 
those that walled the well, were worn smooth and 
deeply creased by the chafing chins of a hundred 

310 The Innocents Abroad 

generations of thirsty animals. Picturesque Arabs 
sat upon the ground, in groups, and solemnly 
smoked their long-stemmed chibouks. Other Arabs 
were filling black hog-skins with water skins 
which, well filled, and distended with water till the 
short legs projected painfully out of the proper line, 
looked like the corpses of hogs bloated by drowning. 
Here was a grand Oriental picture which I had 
worshiped a thousand times in soft, rich steel en 
gravings ! But in the engraving there was no deso 
lation ; no dirt ; no rags ; no fleas ; no ugly features ; 
no sore eyes; no feasting flies; no besotted igno 
rance in the countenances; no raw places on the 
donkeys backs; no disagreeable jabbering in un 
known tongues; no stench of camels; no sugges 
tion that a couple of tons of powder placed under 
the party and touched off would heighten the effect 
and give to the scene a genuine interest and a charm 
which it would always be pleasant to recall, even 
though a man lived a thousand years. 

Oriental scenes look best in steel engravings. I 
cannot be imposed upon any more by that picture 
of the Queen of Sheba visiting Solomon. I shall 
say to myself, You look fine, madam, but your feet 
are not clean, and you smell like a camel. 

Presently, a wild Arab in charge of a camel train 
recognized an old friend in Ferguson, and they ran 
and fell upon each other s necks and kissed each 
other s grimy, bearded faces upon both checks. It 
explained instantly a something which had always 

The Innocents Abroad 311 

seemed to me only a far-fetched Oriental figure of 
speech. I refer to the circumstance of Christ s 
rebuking a Pharisee, or some such character, and 
reminding him that from him he had received no 
" kiss of welcome." It did not seem reasonable to 
me that men should kiss each other, but I am aware, 
now, that they did. There was reason in it, too. 
The custom was natural and proper; because people 
mut kiss, and a man would not be likely to kiss one 
of the women of this country of his own free will 
and accord. One must travel, to learn. Every day, 
now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any 
significance for me before take to themselves a 

We journeyed around the base of the mountain 
" Little Hermon," past the old Crusaders castle 
of El Fulch, and arrived at Shunem. This was 
another Magdala, to a fraction, frescoes and all. 
Here, tradition says, the prophet Samuel was born, 
and here the Shunamite woman built a little house 
upon the city wall for the accommodation of the pro 
phet Elisha. Elisha asked her what she expected 
in return. It was a perfectly natural question, for 
these people are and were in the habit of proffering 
favors and services and then expecting and begging 
for pay. Elisha knew them well. He could not 
comprehend that anybody should build for him that 
humblp little chamber for the mere sake of old 
friendship, and with no selfish motive whatever. It 
used to seem a very impolite, not to say a rude 

312 i tit innocents Abroad 

question, for Elisha to ask the woman, but it does 
not seem so to me now. The woman said she ex 
pected nothing. Then, for her goodness and her 
unselfishness, he rejoiced her heart with the news 
that she should bear a son. It was a high re 
ward but she would not have thanked him for a 
daughter daughters have always been unpopular 
here. The son was born, grew, waxed strong, died. 
Elisha restored him to life in Shunem. 

We found here a grove of lemon trees cool, 
shady, hung with fruit. One is apt to overestimate 
beauty when it is rare, but to me this grove seemed 
very beautiful. It was beautiful. I do not over 
estimate it. I must always remember Shunem grate 
fully, as a place which gave to us this leafy shelter 
alter our long, hot ride. We lunched, rested, 
chatted, smoked our pipes an hour, and then 
mounted and moved on. 

As we trotted across the Plain of Jezreel, we met 
half a dozen Digger Indians (Bedouins) with very 
long spears in their hands, cavorting around on old 
crowbait horses, and spearing imaginary enemies; 
whooping, and fluttering their rags in the wind, and 
carrying on in every respect like a pack of hopeless 
lunatics. At last, here were the " wild, free sons 
of the desert, speeding over the plain like the wind, 
on their beautiful Arabian mares" we had read so 
much about and longed so much to see ! Here were 
the " picturesque costumes " 1 This was the " gal 
lant spectacle ! Tatterdemalion vagrants cheap 

The Innocents Abroad 313 

braggadocio ** Arabian mares " spined and necked 
like the ichthyosaurus in the museum, and humped 
and cornered like a dromedary ! To glance at the 
genuine son of the desert is to take the romance out 
of him forever to benold his steed is to long in 
charity to strip his harness off and let him fall to 

Presently we came to a ruinous old town on a hill, 
the same being the ancient Jczreel. 

Ahab, King of Samaria (this was a very vast king 
dom, for those days, and was very nearly half as 
large as Rhode Island) dwelt in the city of Jezreel, 
which was his capital. Near him lived a man by the 
name of Naboth, who had a vineyard. The King 
asked him for it, and when he would not give it, 
offered to buy it. But Naboth refused to sell it. 
In those days it was considered a sort of crime 
to part with one s inheritance at any price and 
even if a man did part with it, it reverted to himself 
or his heirs again at the next jubilee year. So this 
spoiled child of a King went and lay down on the 
bed with his face to the wall, and grieved sorely. 
The Queen, a notorious character in those days, and 
whose name is a byword and a reproach even in 
these, came in and asked him wherefore he sorrowed, 
and he told her. Jezebel said she could secure the 
vineyard ; and she went forth and forged letters to 
the nobles and wise men, in the King s name, and 
ordered them to proclaim a fast and set Naboth on 
high before the people, and suborn two witnesses to 

314 The Innocents Abroad 

swear that he had blasphemed. They did it, and the 
people stoned the accused by the city wall, and he 
died. Then Jezebel came and told the King, and 
said, Behold, Naboth is no more rise up and seize 
the vineyard. So Ahab seized the vineyard, and 
went into it to possess it. But the Prophet Elijah 
came to him there and read his fate to him, and the 
fate of Jezebel ; and said that in the place where 
dogs licked the blood of Naboth, dogs should also 
lick his blood and he said, likewise, the dogs 
shot Id eat Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel. In the 
course of time, the King was killed in battle, and 
when his chariot wheels were washed in the pool of 
Samaria, the dogs licked the blood. In after years, 
Jehu, who was King of Israel, marched down against 
Jezreel, by order of one of the Prophets, and admin 
istered one of those convincing rebukes so common 
among the people of those days: he killed many 
kings and their subjects, and as he came along he 
saw Jezebel, painted and finely dressed, looking out 
of a window, and ordered that she be thrown down 
to him. A servant did it, and Jehu s horse trampled 
her under foot. Then Jehu went in and sat down 
to dinner; and presently he said, Go and bury this 
cursed woman, for she is a King s daughter. The 
spirit of charity came upon him too late, however, 
for the prophecy had already been fulfilled the 
dogs had eaten her, and they " found no more of her 
than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her 

The Innocents Abroad 315 

Ahab, the late King, had left a helpless family be 
hind him, and Jehu killed seventy of the orphan sons. 
Then he killed all the relatives, and teachers, and 
servants and friends of the family, and rested from 
his labors, until he was come near to Samaria, where 
he met forty-two persons and asked them who they 
were ; they said they were brothers of the King of 
Judah. He killed them. When he got to Samaria, 
he said he would show his zeal fcr the Lord ; so he 
gathered all the priests and people together that 
worshiped Baal, pretending that he was going to 
adopt that worship and offer up a great sacrifice; 
and when they were all shut up where they could 
not defend themselves, he caused every person of 
them to be killed. Then Jehu, the good missionary, 
rested from his labors once more. 

We went back to the valley, and rode to the Foun 
tain of Ain Jelud. They call it the Fountain of 
Jezreel, usually. It is a pond about one hundred 
feet square and four feet deep, with a stream of 
water trickling into it from under an overhanging 
ledge of rocks. It is in the midst of a great solitude. 
Here Gideon pitched his camp in the old times; 
behind Shuncm lay the * Midianites, the Amalekites, 
and the Children of the East," who were " as grass 
hoppers for multitude ; both they and their camels 
were without number, as the sand by the seaside for 
multitude." Which means that there were one hun 
dred and thirty-five thousand men, and that they had 
transportation service accordingly. 

316 The innocents Abroad 

Gideon, with only three hundred men, surprised 
them in the night, and stood by and looked on while 
they butchered each other until a hundred and twenty 
thousand lay dead on the field. 

We camped at Jenin before night, and got up and 
started again at one o clock in the morning. Some 
where towards daylight we passed the locality where 
the best authenticated tradition locates the pit into 
which Joseph s brethren threw him, and about noon, 
after passing over a succession of mountain tops, 
clad with groves of fig and olive trees, with the 
Mediterranean in sight some forty miles away, and 
going by many ancient Biblical cities whose inhab 
itants glowered savagely upon our Christian proces 
sion, and were seemingly inclined to practice on it 
with stones, we came to the singularly terraced and 
unlovely hills that betrayed that we were out of 
Galilee and into Samaria at last. 

We climbed a high hill to visit the city of Samaria, 
where the woman may have hailed from who con 
versed with Christ at Jacob s Well, and from whence, 
no doubt, came also the celebrated Good Samaritan. 
Herod the Great is said to have made a magnificent 
city of this place, and a great number of coarse lime 
stone columns, twenty feet high and two feet through, 
that are almost guiltless of architectural grace of 
shape and ornament, are pointed out by many 
authors as evidence of the fact. They would not 
have been, considered handsome in ancient Greece, 

The Innocents Abroad 317 

The inhabitants of this camp are particularly 
vicious, and stoned two parties of our pilgrims a 
day or two ago who brought about the difficulty by 
showing their revolvers when they did not intend to 
use them a thing which is deemed bad judgment 
in the Far West, and ought certainly to be so con 
sidered anywhere. In the new Territories, when a 
man puts his hand on a weapon, he knows that he 
must use it; he must use it fnstantly or expect to be 
shot down where he stands. Those pilgrims had 
been reading Grimes. 

There was nothing for us to do in Samaria but buy 
handfuls of old Roman coins at a franc a dozen, and 
look at a dilapidated church of the Crusaders and a 
vault in it which once contained the body of John 
the Baptist. This relic was long ago carried away 
to Genoa. 

Samaria stood a disastrous siege, once, in the 
days of Elisha, at the hands of the King of Syria. 
Provisions reached such a figure that " an ass s head 
was sold for eighty pieces of silver and the fourth 
part of a cab of dove s dung for five pieces of 
silver. " 

An incident recorded of that heavy time will give 
one a very good idea of the distress that prevailed 
within these crumbling walls. As the King was walk 
ing upon the battlements one day, " a woman cried 
out, saying, Help, my lord, O King! And the King 
said, What ailcth thcc? and she answered, This 
woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat 

318 The Innocents Abroad 

him to-day, and we will eat my son to-morrow. So 
we boiled my son, and did eat him; and I said unto 
her on the next day, Give thy son that we may eat 
him; and she hath hid her son." 

The prophet Elisha declared that within four and 
twenty hours the prices of food should go down to 
nothing, almost, and it was so. The Syrian army 
broke camp and fled, for some cause or other, the 
famine was relieved from without, and many a 
shoddy speculator in dove s dung and ass s meat was 

We were glad to leave this hot and dusty old vil 
lage and hurry on. At two o clock we stopped to 
lunch and rest at ancient Shechem, between the his 
toric Mounts of Gerizim and Ebal where in the old 
times the books of the law, the curses and the bless 
ings, were read from the heights to the Jewish multi 
tudes below. 


THE narrow cafion in which Nablous, or Shechem, 
is situated, is under high cultivation, and the 
soil is exceedingly black and fertile. It is well 
watered, and its affluent vegetation gains effect by 
contrast with the barren hills that tower on either 
side. One of these hills is the ancient Mount of 
Blessings and the other the Mount of Curses; and 
wise men who seek for fulfillments of prophecy think 
they find here a wonder of this kind to wit, that 
the Mount of Blessings is strangely fertile and its 
mate as strangely unproductive. We could not see 
that there was really much difference between them 
in this respect, however. 

Shechem is distinguished as one of the residences 
of the patriarch Jacob, and as the seat of those tribes 
that cut themselves loose from their brethren of 
Israel and propagated doctrines not in conformity 
with those of the original Jewish creed. For thou 
sands of years this clan have dwelt in Shechem under 
strict tabu , and having little commerce or fellowship 
with their fellow-men of any religion or nationality. 
For generations they have not numbered more than 

n- (319) 

320 The Innocents Abroad 

one or two hundred, but they still adhere to their 
ancient faith and maintain their ancient rites and 
ceremonies. Talk of family and old descent ! Princes 
and nobles pride themselves upon lineages they can 
trace back some hundreds of years. What is this trifle 
to this handful of old first families of Shechem, who 
can name their fathers straight back without a flaw for 
thousands straight back to a period so remote that 
men reared in a country where the days of two hun 
dred years ago are called ** ancient" times grow 
dazed and bewildered when they try to comprehend 
it! Here is respectability for you here is 
"family" here is high descent worth talking 
about. This sad, proud remnant of a once mighty 
community still hold themselves aloof from all the 
world; they still live as their fathers lived, labor as 
their fathers labored, think as they did, feel as they 
did, worship in the same place, in sight of the same 
landmarks, and in the same quaint, patriarchal way 
their ancestors did more than thirty centuries ago. 
I found myself gazing at any straggling scion of 
this strange race with a riveted fascination, just as 
one would stare at a living mastodon, or a megather 
ium that had moved in the gray dawn of creation and 
seen the wonders of that mysterious world that was 
before the flood. 

Carefully preserved among the sacred archives of 
this curious community is i MS. copy of the ancient 
Jewish law, which is said to be the oldest document 
on earth. It is written on vellum, and is some four 

The Innocents Abroad 321 

or five thousand years old. Nothing but buckshecsh 
can purchase a sight. Its fame is somewhat dimmed 
in these latter days, because of the doubts so many 
authors of Palestine travels have felt themselves 
privileged to cast upon it. Speaking of this MS. 
reminds me that I procured from the high priest of 
this ancient Samaritan community, at great expense, 
a secret document of still higher antiquity and far 
more extraordinary interest, which I propose to pub 
lish as soon as I have finished translating it. 

Joshua gave his dying injunction to the children 
of Israel at Shechem, and buried a valuable treasure 
secretly under an oak tree there about the same time. 
The superstitious Samaritans have always been 
afraid to hunt for it. They believe it is guarded by 
fierce spirits invisible to men. 

About a mile and a half from Shechem we halted 
at the base of Mount Ebal, before a little square area, 
inclosed by a high stone wall, neatly whitewashed. 
Across one end of this enclosure is a tomb built 
after the manner of the Moslems. It is the tomb of 
Joseph. No truth is better authenticated than this. 

When Joseph was dying he prophesied that exodus 
of the Israelites from Egypt which occurred four 
hundred years afterwards. At the same time he ex 
acted of his people an oath that when they journeyed 
to the land of Canaan, they would bear his bones 
with them and bury them in the ancient inheritance 
of his fathers. The oath was kept. 

" And the bones of Joseph, which the children of lute! brought up 

}22 The Innocents Abroad 

rxit of Egypt, buried they in Shechem, in a parcel of ground which 
Jacob bought of the sons of Hamor the father of Shechem, for a 
hundred pieces of silver." 

Few tombs on earth command the veneration of 
so many races and men of divers creeds as this of 
Joseph. " Samaritan and Jew, Moslem and Chris 
tian alike, revere it, and honor it with their visits. 
The tomb of Joseph, the dutiful son, the affection 
ate, forgiving brother, the virtuous man, the wise 
Prince and ruler. Egypt felt his influence the 
world knows his history." 

In this same * parcel of ground" which Jacob 
bought of the sons of Hamor for a hundred pieces 
of silver, is Jacob s celebrated well. It is cut in the 
solid rock, and is nine feet square and ninety feet 
deep. The name of this unpretending hole in the 
ground, which one might pass by and take no notice 
of, is as familiar as household words to even the 
children and the peasants of many a far-off country. 

It is more famous than the Parthenon ; it is older 
than the Pyramids. 

It was by this well that Jesus sat and talked with a 
woman of that strange, antiquated Samaritan com 
munity I have been speaking of, and told her of the 
mysterious water of life. As descendants of old 
English nobles still cherish in the traditions of their 
houses how that this king or that king tarried a day 
with some favored ancestor three hundred years ago, 
no doubt the descendants of the woman of Samaria, 
living there in Shechem, still refer with pardonable 
vanity to this conversation of their ancestor, held 

The Innocents Abroad 323 

some little time gone by, with the Messiah of the 
Christians. It is not likely that they undervalue a 
distinction such as this. Samaritan nature is human 
nature, and human nature remembers contact with 
the Illustrious, always. 

For an offense done to the family honor, the sons 
of Jacob exterminated all Shcchem once. 

We left Jacob s Well and traveled till eight in the 
evening, but rather slowly, for we had been in the 
saddle nineteen hours, and the horses were cruelly 
tired. We got so far ahead of the tents that we had 
to camp in an Arab village, and sleep on the ground. 
We could have slept in the largest of the houses ; 
but there were some little drawbacks; it was popu 
lous with vermin, it had a dirt floor, it was in no 
respect cleanly, and there was a family of goats in 
the only bedroom, and two donkeys in the parlor. 
Outside there were no inconveniences, except that 
the dusky, ragged, earnest-eyed villagers of. both 
sexes and all ages grouped themselves on their 
haunches all around us, and discussed us and criti 
cised us with noisy tongues till midnight. We did 
not mind the noise, being tired, but, doubtless, the 
reader is aware that it is almost an impossible thing 
to go to sleep when you know that people are 
looking at you. We went to bed at ten, and got up 
again at two and started once more. Thus are 
people persecuted by dragomen, whose sole ambi 
tion in life is to get ahead of each other. 

About daylight we passed Shiloh, where the Ark 

324 The Innocents Abroad 

of the Covenant rested three hundred years, and at 
whose gates good old Eli fell down and " brake his 
neck " when the messenger, riding hard from the 
battle, told him of the defeat of his people, the 
death of his sons, and, more than all, the capture of 
Israel s pride, her hope, her refuge, the ancient Ark 
her forefathers brought with them out of Egypt. It 
is little wonder that under circumstances like these 
he fell down and brake his neck. But Shiloh had 
no charms for us. We were so cold that there was 
no comfort but in motion, and so drowsy we could 
hardly sit upon the horses. 

After a while we came to a shapeless mass of 
ruins, which still bears the name of Beth-el. It was 
here that Jacob lay down and had that superb vision 
of angels flitting up and down a ladder that reached 
from the clouds to earth, and caught glimpses of 
their blessed home through the open gates of Heaven. 

The pilgrims took what was left of the hallowed 
ruin, and we pressed on toward the goal of our 
crusade, renowned Jerusalem. 

The further we went the hotter the sun got, and 
the more rocky and bare, repulsive and dreary the 
landscape became. There could not have been more 
fragments of stone strewn broadcast over this part 
of the world, if every ten square feet of the land 
had been occupied by a separate and distinct stone 
cutter s establishment for an age. There was hardly 
a tree or a shrub anywhere. Even the olive and 
the cactus, those fast friends of a worthless soil, had 

The Innocents Abroad 32 5 

almost deserted the country. No landscape exists 
that is more tiresome to the eye than that which 
bounds the approaches to Jerusalem. The only 
difference between the roads and the surrounding 
country, perhaps, is that there are rather more rocks 
in the roads than in the surrounding country. 

We passed Ramah and Bcroth, and on the right 
saw the tomb of the prophet Samuel, perched high 
upon a commanding eminence. Still no Jerusalem 
came in sight. We hurried on impatiently. We 
halted a moment at the ancient Fountain of Beira, 
but its stones, worn deeply by the chins of thirsty 
animals that are dead and gone centuries ago, had 
no interest for us we longed to see Jerusalem. 
We spurred up hill after hill, and usually began to 
stretch our necks minutes before we got to the top 
but disappointment always followed more 
stupid hills beyond more unsightly landscape 
no Holy City. 

At last, away in the middle of the day, ancient 
bits of wall and crumbling arches began to line the 
way we toiled up one more hill, and every pilgrim 
and every sinner swung his hat on high ! Jerusalem ! 

Perched on its eternal hills, white and domed and 
solid, massed together and hooped with high gray 
walls, the venerable city gleamed in the sun. So 
small ! Why, it was no larger than an American 
village of four thousand inhabitants, and no larger 
than an ordinary Syrian city of thirty thousand. 
Jerusalem numbers only fourteen thousand people. 

326 The Innocents Abroad 

We dismounted and looked, without speaking a 
dozen sentences, across the wide intervening valley 
for an hour or more; and noted those prominent 
features of the city that pictures make familiar to all 
men from their school days till their death. We 
could recognize the Tower of Hippicus, the Mosque 
of Omar, the Damascus Gate, the Mount of Olives, 
the Valley of Jehoshaphat, the Tower of David, and 
the Garden of Gethsemane and dating from these 
landmarks could tell very nearly the localities of 
many others we were not able to distinguish. 

I record it here as a notable but not discreditable 
fact that not even our pilgrims wept. I think there 
was no individual in the party whose brain was not 
teeming with thoughts and images and memories 
invoked by the grand history of the venerable city 
that lay before us, but still among them all was no 
" voice of them that wept." 

There was no call for tears. Tears would have 
been out of place. The thoughts Jerusalem suggests 
are full of poetry, sublimity, and more than all, 
dignity. Such thoughts do not find their appro 
priate expression in the emotions of the nursery. 

Just after noon we entered these narrow, crooked 
streets, by the ancient and the famed Damascus 
Gate, and now for several hours I have been trying 
to comprehend that I am actually in the illustrious 
old city where Solomon dwelt, where Abraham held 
converse with the Deity, and where walls still stand 
that witnessed the spectacle of the Crucifixion. 


A FAST walker could go outside the walls of 
Jerusalem and walk entirely around the city in 
an hour. I do not know how else to make one 
understand how small it is. The appearance of the 
city is peculiar. It is as knobby with countless little 
domes as a prison door is with bolt-heads. Every 
house has from one to half a dozen of these white 
plastered domes of stone, broad and low, sitting in 
the center of, or in a cluster upon, the flat roof. 
Wherefore, when one looks down from an eminence, 
upon the compact mass of houses (so closely 
crowded together, in fact, that there is no appear^ 
ance of streets at all, and so the city looks solid) he 
sees the knobbiest town in the world, except Con 
stantinople. It looks as if it might be roofed, from 
center to circumference, with inverted saucers. The 
monotony of the view is interrupted only by the 
great Mosque of Omar, the Tower of Hippicus, and 
one or two other buildings that rise into command 
ing prominence. 

The houses are generally two stories high, built 
strongly of masonry, whitewashed or plastered out 


328 The Innocents Abroad 

side, and have a cage of wooden lattice-work pro- 
jecting in front of every window. To reproduce a 
Jerusalem street, it would only be necessary to up 
end a chicken-coop and hang it before each window 
in an alley of American houses. 

The streets are roughly and badly paved with 
stone, and are tolerably crooked enough so to 
make each street appear to close together constantly 
and come to an end about a hundred yards ahead of 
a pilgrim as long as he chooses to walk in it. Pro 
jecting from the top of the lower story of many of 
the houses is a very narrow porch-roof or shed, 
without supports from below; and I have several 
times seen cats jump across the street from one shed 
to the other when they were out calling. The cats 
could have jumped double the distance without 
extraordinary exertion. I mention these things to 
give an idea of how narrow the streets are. Since 
a cat can jump across them without the least incon 
venience, it is hardly necessary to state that such 
streets are too narrow for carriages. These vehicles 
cannot navigate the Holy City. 

The population of Jerusalem is composed of Mos 
lems, Jews, Greeks, Latins, Armenians, Syrians, 
Copts, Abyssinians, Greek Catholics, and a handful 
of Protestants. One hundred of the latter sect are 
all that dwell now in this birthplace of Christianity. 
The nice shades of nationality comprised in the 
above list, and the languages spoken by them, are 
altogether too numerous to mention. It seems to 

The Innocents Abroad 329 

me that all the races and colors and tongues of the 
earth must be represented among the fourteen thou 
sand souls that dwell in Jerusalem. Rags, wretched 
ness, poverty, and dirt, those signs and symbols that 
indicate the presence of Moslem rule more surely 
than the crescent-flag itself, abound. Lepers, crip 
ples, the blind, and the idiotic, assail you on every 
hand, and they know but one word of but one 
language apparently the eternal * bucksheesh." 
To see the numbers of maimed, malformed, and dis 
eased humanity that throng the holy places and 
obstruct the gates, one might suppose that the 
ancient days had come again, and that the angel of 
the Lord was expected to descend at any moment to 
stir the waters of Bethesda. Jerusalem is mournful, 
and dreary, and lifeless. I would not desire to live 

One naturally goes first to the Holy Sepulchre. 
It is right in the city, near the western gate; it and 
the place of the Crucifixion, and, in fact, every other 
place intimately connected with that tremendous 
event, are ingeniously massed together and covered 
by one roof the dome of the Church of the Holy 

Entering the building, through the midst of the 
usual assemblage of beggars, one sees on his left a 
few Turkish guards for Christians of different 
sects will not only quarrel, but fight, also, in this 
sacred place, if allowed to do it. Before you is a 
marble slab, which covers the Stone of Unction, 

330 The Innocents Abroad 

whereon the Saviour s body was laid to prepare it 
for burial. It was found necessary to conceal the 
real stone in this way in order to save it from de 
struction. Pilgrims were too much given to chip 
ping off pieces of it to carry home. Near by is a 
circular railing which marks the spot where the 
Virgin stood when the Lord s body was anointed. 

Entering the great Rotunda, we stand before the 
most sacred locality in Christendom the grave of 
Jesus. It is in the center of the church, and imme 
diately under the great dome. It is inclosed in a 
sort of little temple of yellow and white stone, of 
fanciful design. Within the little temple is a por 
tion of the very stone which was rolled away from 
the door of the Sepulchre, and on which the angel 
was sitting when Mary came thither * at early 
dawn." Stooping low, we enter the vault the 
Sepulchre itself. It is only about six feet by seven, 
and the stone couch on which the dead Saviour lay 
extends from end to end of the apartment and occu 
pies half its width. It is covered with a marble slab 
which has been much worn by the lips of pilgrims. 
This slab serves as an altar now. Over it hang 
some fifty gold and silver lamps, which are kept 
always burning, and the place is otherwise scandal 
ized by trumpery gewgaws and tawdry ornamenta 

All sects of Christians (except Protestants) have 
chapels under the roof of the Church of the Holy 
Sepulchre, and each must keep to itself and not 

The Innocents Abroad 331 

venture upon another s ground. It has been proven 
conclusively that they cannot worship together 
around the grave of the Saviour of the World in 
peace. The chapel of the Syrians is not handsome ; 
that of the Copts is the humblest of them all. It is 
nothing but a dismal cavern, roughly hewn in the 
living rock of the Hill of Calvary. In one side of it 
two ancient tombs are hewn, which are claimed to 
be those in which Nicodemus and Joseph of Arima- 
thea were buried. 

As we moved among the great piers and pillars of 
another part of the church, we came upon a party 
of black-robed, animal-looking Italian monks, with 
candles in their hands, who were chanting something 
in Latin, and going through some kind of religious 
performance around a disk of white marble let into 
the floor. It was there that the risen Saviour ap 
peared to Mary Magdalen in the likeness of a gar 
dener. Near by was a similar stone, shaped like a 
star here the Magdalen herself stood, at the same 
time. Monks were performing in this place also 
They perform everywhere all over the vast build 
ing, and at all hours. Their candles are always 
flitting about in the gloom, and making the dim old 
church more dismal than there is any necessity that 
it should be, tven though it is a tomb. 

We were shown the place where our Lord ap 
peared to His mother after the Resurrection. Here, 
also, a marble slab marks the place where St. 
Helena, the mother of the Emperor Constantine, 

332 The Innocents Abroad 

found the crosses about three hundred years after 
the Crucifixion. According to the legend, this great 
discovery elicited extravagant demonstrations of joy. 
But they were of short duration. The question 
intruded itself : "Which bore the blessed Saviour, 
and which the thieves?" To be in doubt, in so 
mighty a matter as this to be uncertain which one 
to adore was a grievous misfortune. It turned 
the public joy to sorrow. But when lived there a 
holy priest who could not set so simple a trouble as 
this at rest? One of these soon hit upon a plan 
that would be a certain test. A noble lady lay very 
ill in Jerusalem. The wise priests ordered that the 
three crosses be taken to her bedside one at a time. 
It was done. When her eyes fell upon the first one, 
she uttered a scream that was heard beyond the 
Damascus Gate, and even upon the Mount of Olives, 
it was said, and then fell back in a deadly swoon. 
They recovered her and brought the second cross. 
Instantly she went into fearful convulsions, and it 
was with the greatest difficulty that six strong men 
could hold her. They were afraid, now, to bring in 
the third cross. They began to fear that possibly 
they had fallen upon the wrong crosses, and that the 
true cross was not with this number at all. How 
ever, as the woman seemed likely to die with the 
convulsions that were tearing her, they concluded 
that the third could do no more than put her out of 
her misery with a happy dispatch. So they brought 
it, and behold, a miracle ! The woman sprang from 

The Innocents Abroad 333 

her bed, smiling and joyful, and perfectly restored 
to health. When we listen to evidence like this, we 
cannot but believe. We would be ashamed to doubt, 
and properly, too. Even the very part of Jerusalem 
where this all occurred is there yet. So there is 
really no room for doubt. 

The priest tried to show us, through a small 
screen, a fragment of the genuine Pillar of Flagella 
tion, to which Christ was bound when they scourged 
him. But we could not see it, because it was dark 
inside the screen. However, a baton is kept here, 
which the pilgrim thrusts through a hole in the 
screen, and then he no longer doubts that the true 
Pillar of Flagellation is in there. He cannot have 
any excuse to doubt it, for he can feel it with the 
stick. He can feel it as distinctly as he could feel 

Not far from here was a niche where they used to 
preserve a piece of the True Cross, but it is gone 
now. This piece of the cross was discovered in the 
sixteenth century. The Latin priests say it was 
stolen away, long ago, by priests of another sect. 
That seems like a hard statement to make, but we 
know very well that it was stolen, because we have 
seen it ourselves in several of the cathedrals of Italy 
and France. 

But the relic that touched us iost was the 
plain old sword of that stout Crusadtr, Godfrey of 
Bouillon King Godfrey of Jerusalem. No blade in 
Christendom wields such enchantment as this no 

334 The Innocents Abroad 

blade of all that rust in the ancestral halls of Europe 
is able to invoke such visions of romance in the 
brain of him who looks upon it none that can 
prate of such chivalric deeds or tell such brave tales 
of the warrior days of old. It stirs within a man 
every memory of the Holy Wars that has been sleep 
ing in his brain for years, and peoples his thoughts 
with mail-clad images, with marching armies, with 
battles and with sieges. It speaks to him of Bald 
win, and Tancred, the princely Saladin, and great 
Richard of the Lion Heart. It was with just such 
blades as these that these splendid heroes of romance 
used to segregate a man, so to speak, and leave the 
half of him to fall one way and the other half the 
other. This very sword has cloven hundreds of 
Saracen Knights from crown to chin in those old 
times when Godfrey wielded it. It was enchanted, 
then, by a genius that was under the command of 
King Solomon. When danger approached its mas 
ter s tent it always struck the shield and clanged 
out a fierce alarm upon the startled ear of night. 
In times of doubt, or in fog or darkness, if it were 
drawn from its sheath it would point instantly toward 
the foe, and thus reveal the way and it would 
also attempt to start after them of its own accord. 
A Christian could not be so disguised that it would 
not know him and refuse to hurt him nor a Mos 
lem so disguised that it would not leap from its 
scabbard and take his life. These statements are all 
well authenticated in many legends that are among 

The Innocents Abroad 335 

the most trustworthy legends the good old Catholic 
monks preserve. I can never forget old Godfrey s 
sword now. I tried it on a Moslem, and clove him 
in twain like a doughnut. The spirit of Grimes was 
upon me, and if I had had a graveyard I would have 
destroyed all the infidels in Jerusalem. I wiped the 
blood off the old sword and handed it back to the 
priest I did not want the fresh gore to obliterate 
those sacred spots that crimsoned its brightness one 
day six hundred years ago and thus gave Godfrey 
warning that before the sun went down his journey 
of life would end. 

Still moving through the gloom of the Church of 
the Holy Sepulchre we came to a small chapel, 
hewn out of the rock a place which has been 
known as* The Prison of Our Lord" for many 
centuries. Tradition says that here the Saviour was 
confined just previously to the crucifixion. Under 
an altar by the door was a pair of stone stocks for 
human legs. These things are called the " Bonds of 
Christ/ and the use they were once put to has 
given them the name they now bear. 

The Greek Chapel is the most roomy, the richest 
and the showiest chapel in the Church of the Holy 
Sepulchre. Its altar, like that of all the Greek 
churches, is a lofty screen that extends clear across 
the chapel, and is gorgeous with gilding and pic 
tures. The numerous lamps that hang before it are 
of gold and silver, and cost great sums. 

But the feature of the place is a short column that 

336 The Innocents Abroad 

rises from the middle of the marble pavement of the 
chapel, and marks the exact center of the earth. 
The most reliable traditions tell us that this was 
known to be the earth s center, ages ago, and that 
when Christ was upon earth he set all doubts upon 
the subject at rest forever, by stating with his own 
lips that the tradition was correct. Remember He 
said that that particular column stood upon the 
center of the world. If the center of the world 
changes, the column changes its position accordingly. 
This column has moved three different times, of its 
own accord. This is because, in great convulsions 
of nature, at three different times, masses of the 
earth whole ranges of mountains, probably have 
flown off into space, thus lessening the diameter of 
the earth, and changing the exact locality of its 
center by a point or two. This is a very curious 
and interesting circumstance, and is a withering 
rebuke to those philosophers who would make us 
believe that it is not possible for any portion of the 
earth to fly off into space. 

To satisfy himself that this spot was really the 
center of the earth, a skeptic once paid well for the 
privilege of ascending to the dome of the church to 
see if the sun gave him a shadow at noon. He 
came down perfectly convinced. The day was very 
cloudy and the sun threw no shadows at all ; but 
the man was satisfied that if the sun had come out 
and made shadows it could not have made any for 
him. Proofs like these are not to be set aside by 


The Innocents Abroad 337 

the idle tongues of cavilers. To such as are not 
bigoted, and are willing to be convinced, they carry 
a conviction that nothing can ever shake. 

If even greater proofs than those I have men 
tioned are wanted, to satisfy the headstrong and the 
foolish that this is the genuine center of the earth, 
they are here. The greatest of them lies in the fact 
that from under this very column was taken the dust 
from which Adam was made. This can surely be 
regarded in the light of a settler. It is not likely 
that the original first man would have been made 
from an inferior quality of earth when it was entirely 
convenient to get first quality from the world s 
center. This will strike any reflecting mind forcibly. 
That Adam was formed of dirt procured in this very 
spot is amply proven by the fact that in six thousand 
years no man has ever been able to prove that the 
dirt was not procured here whereof he was made. 

It is a singular circumstance that right under the 
roof of this same great church, and not far away 
from that illustrious column, Adam himself, the 
father of the human race, lies buried. There is no 
question that he is actually buried in the grave which 
is pointed out as his there can be none because 
it has never yet been proven that that grave is not 
the grave in which he is buried. 

The tomb of Adam 1 How touching it was, here 

in a land of strangers, far away from home, and 

friends, and all who cared for me, thus to discover 

the grave of a blood relation. True, a distant one, 


338 The Innocents Abroad 

but still a relation. The unerring instinct of nature 
thrilled its recognition. The fountain of my filial 
affection was stirred to its profoundest depths, and 
I gave way to tumultuous emotion. I leaned upon 
a pillar and burst into tears. I deem it no shame to 
have wept over the grave of my poor dead relative. 
Let him who would sneer at my emotion close this 
volume here, for he will find little to his taste in my 
journeyings through Holy Land. Noble old man 
he did not live to see me he did not live to see 
his child. And I I alas, I did not live to see 
him. Weighed down by sorrow and disappoint 
ment, he died before I was born six thousand 
brief summers before I was born. But let us try to 
bear it with fortitude. Let us trust that he is better 
off where he is. Let us take comfort in the thought 
that his loss is our eternal gain. 

The next place the guide took us to in the holy 
church was an altar dedicated to the Roman soldier 
who was of the military guard that attended at the 
Crucifixion to keep order, and who when the vail 
of the Temple was rent in the awful darkness that 
followed ; when the rock of Golgotha was split 
asunder by an earthquake; when the artillery of 
heaven thundered, and in the baleful glare of the 
lightnings the shrouded dead flitted about the streets 
of Jerusalem shook with fear and said, * Surely 
this was the Son of God !" Where this altar stands 
now, that Roman soldier stood then,, in full view of 
the crucified Saviour in full sight and hearing ot 

The Innocents Abroad 339 

all the marvels that were transpiring far and wide 
about the circumference of the Hill of Calvary. 
And in this self-same spot the priests of the Temple 
beheaded him for those blasphemous words he had 

In this altar they used to keep one of the most 
curious relics that human eyes ever looked upon - 
a thing that had power to fascinate the beholder in 
some mysterious way and keep him gazing for hours 
together. It was nothing less than the copper plate 
Pilate put upon the Saviour s cross, and upon which 
think St. Helena, the mother of Constantine, found 
this wonderful memento when she was here in the 
third century. She traveled all over Palestine, and 
was always fortunate. Whenever the good old en 
thusiast found a thing mentioned in her Bible, Old 
or New, she would go and search for that thing, and 
never stop until she found it. If it was Adam, she 
would find Adam; if it was the Ark, she would find 
the Ark; if it was Goliah, or Joshua, she would 
find them. She found the inscription here that I 
was speaking of, I think. She found it in this very 
spot, close to where the martyred Roman soldier 
stood. That copper plate is in one of the churches 
in Rome now. Any one can sec it there. The 
inscription is very distinct. 

We passed along a few steps and saw the altar built 
over the very spot where the good Catholic pricsta 
say the soldiers divided the raiment of the Saviour. 

340 The Innocents Abroad 

Then we went down into a cavern which cavilers 
say was once a cistern. It is a chapel now, how 
ever the Chapel of St. Helena. It is fifty-one 
feet long by forty-three wide. In it is a marble 
chair which Helena used to sit in while she superin 
tended her workmen when they were digging and 
delving for the True Cross. In this place is an altar 
dedicated to St. Dimas, the penitent thief. A new 
bronze statue is here a statue of St. Helena. It 
reminded us of poor Maximilian, so lately shot. 
He presented it to this chapel when he was about to 
leave for his throne in Mexico. 

From the cistern we descended twelve steps into 
a large roughly-shaped grotto, carved wholly out of 
the living rock. Helena blasted it out when she was 
searching for the true cross. She had a laborious 
piece of work here, but it was richly rewarded. Out 
of this place she got the crown of thorns, the nails 
of the cross, the true cross itself, and the cross of 
the penitent thief. When she thought she had found 
everything and was about to stop, she was told in a 
dream to continue a day longer. It was very for 
tunate. She did so, and found the cross of the 
other thief. 

The walls and roof of this grotto still weep bitter 
tears in memory of the event that transpired on 
Calvary, and devout pilgrims groan and sob when 
these sad tears fall upon them from the dripping 
rock. The monks call this apartment the " Chapel 
of the Invention of the Cross" a name which is 

The Innocents Abroad 341 

unfortunate, because it leads the ignorant to imagine 
that a tacit acknowledgment is thus made that the 
tradition that Helena found the true cross here is a 
fiction an invention. It is a happiness to know, 
however, that intelligent people do not doubt the 
story in any of its particulars. 

Priests of any of the chapels and denominations 
in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre can visit this 
sacred grotto to weep and pray and worship the 
gentle Redeemer. Two different congregations are 
not allowed to enter at the same time, however, be 
cause they always fight. 

Still marching through the venerable Church of 
the Holy Sepulchre, among chanting priests in 
coarse long robes and sandals; pilgrims of all 
colors and many nationalities, in all sorts of strange 
costumes; under dusky arches and by dingy piers 
and columns; through a somber cathedral gloom, 
freighted with smoke and incense, and faintly starred 
with scores of candles that appeared suddenly and 
as suddenly disappeared, or drifted mysteriously 
hither and thither about the distant aisles like 
ghostly jack-o -lanterns we came at last to a 
small chapel which is called the " Chapel of the 
Mocking." Under the altar was a fragment of a 
marble column ; this was the seat Christ sat on when 
he was reviled, and mockingly made King, crowned 
with a crown of thorns and sccptcrcd with a reed. 
It was here that they blindfolded him and struck 
him, and said in derision, "* Prophesy who it is that 

342 The Innocents Abroad 

smote thee," The tradition that this is the identical 
spot of the mocking is a very ancient one. The 
guide said that Saewulf was the first to mention it. 
I do not know Saewulf, but still, I cannot well re 
fuse to receive his evidence none of us can. 

They showed us where the great Godfrey and his 
brother Baldwin, the first Christian Kings of Jerusa 
lem, once lay buried by that sacred sepulchre they 
had fought so long and so valiantly to wrest from 
the hands of the infidel. But the niches that had 
contained the ashes of these renowned crusaders 
were empty. Even the coverings of their tombs 
were gone destroyed by devout members of the 
Greek church, because Godfrey and Baldwin were 
Latin princes, and had been reared in a Christian 
faith whose creed differed in some unimportant 
respects from theirs. 

We passed on, and halted before the tomb of 
Melchisedek ! You will remember Melchisedek, no 
doubt; he was the King who came out and levied a 
tribute on Abraham the time that he pursued Lot s 
captors to Dan, and took all their property from 
them That was about four thousand years ago, 
and Melchisedek died shortly afterward. However, 
his tomb is in a good state of preservation. 

When one enters the Church of the Holy Sepul 
chre, the Sepulchre itself is the first thing he desires 
to see, and really is almost the first thing he does 
see. The next thing he has a strong yearning to 
see is the spot where the Saviour was crucified. But 

The Innocents Abroad 343 

this they exhibit last. It is the crowning glory of 
the place. One is grave and thoughtful when he 
stands in the little Tomb of the Saviour he could 
not well be otherwise in such a place but he has 
not the slightest possible belief that ever the Lord 
lay there, and so the interest he feels in the spot is 
very, very greatly marred by that reflection. He 
looks at the place where Mary stood, in another 
part of the church, and where John stood, and Mary 
Magdalen ; where the mob derided the Lord ; where 
the angel sat; where the crown of thorns was found, 
and the true cross; where the risen Saviour ap 
peared he looks at all these places with interest, 
but with the same conviction he felt in the case of the 
Sepulchre, that there is nothing genuine about them, 
and that they are imaginary holy places created by 
the monks. But the place of the Crucifixion affects 
him differently. He fully believes that he is looking 
upon the very spot where the Saviour gave up his 
life. He remembers that Christ was very celebrated, 
long before he came to Jerusalem ; he knows that 
his fame was so great that crowds followed him all 
the time ; he is aware that* his entry into the city 
produced a stirring sensation, and that his reception 
was a kind of ovation ; he cannot overlook the fact 
that when he was crucified there were very many in 
Jerusalem who believed that he was the true Son of 
God. To publicly execute such a personage was 
sufficient in itself to make the locality of the execu 
tion a memorable place for ages; added to this, the 

344 The Innocents Abroad 

storm, the darkness, the earthquake, the rending oi 
the vail of the Temple, and the untimely waking of 
the dead, were events calculated to fix the execution 
and the scene of it in the memory of even the most 
thoughtless witness. Fathers would tell their sons 
about the strange affair, and point out the spot; the 
sons would transmit the story to their children, and 
thus a period of three hundred years would easily 
be spanned* at which time Helena came and built 
a church upon Calvary to commemorate the death 
and burial of the Lord and preserve the sacred place 
in the memories of men ; since that time there has 
always been a church there. It is not possible that 
there can be any mistake about the locality of the 
Crucifixion. Not half a dozen persons knew where 
they buried the Saviour, perhaps, and a burial is not 
a startling event, anyhow; therefore, we can be 
pardoned for unbelief in the Sepulchre, but not 
in the place of the Crucifixion. Five hundred 
years hence there will be no vestige of Bunker Hill 
Monument left, but America will still know where 
the battle was fought and where Warren fell. The 
crucifixion of Christ was too notable an event in 
Jerusalem, and the Hill of Calvary made too cele 
brated by it, to be forgotten in the short space of 
three hundred years. I climbed the stairway in the 
church which brings one to the top of the small in 
closed pinnacle of rock, and looked upon the place 

The thought is Mr. Prime s, not mine, and is full of good sense. 
I borrowed it from his " Tent Life." M. T. 

The Innocents Abroad. 345 

where the true cross once stood, with a far more 
absorbing interest than I had ever felt in anything 
earthly before. I could not believe that the three 
holes in the top of the rock were the actual ones the 
crosses stood in, but I felt satisfied that those crosses 
had stood so near the place now occupied by them, 
that the few feet of possible difference were a matter 
of no consequence. 

When one stands where the Saviour was crucified, 
he finds it all he can do to keep it strictly before his 
mind that Christ was not crucified in a Catholic 
church. He must remind himself every now and 
then that the great event transpired in the open air, 
and not in a gloomy, candle-lighted cell in a little 
corner of a vast church, up stairs a small cell all 
bejcwcled and bespangled with flashy ornamenta 
tion, in execrable taste. 

Under a marble altar like a table, is a circular 
hole in the marble floor, corresponding with the one 
just under it in which the true cross stood. The 
first thing every one does is to kneel down and tike 
a candle and examine this hole. He does this 
strange prospecting with an amount of gravity that 
can never be estimated or appreciated by a man who 
has not seen the operation. Then he holds his 
candle before a richly engraved picture ot the 
Saviour, done on a massy slab of gold, and wonder 
fully rayed and starred with diamonds, which hangb 
above the hole within the altar, and his solemnity 
changes to lively admiration. He rises and faces the 

346 The Innocents Abroad 

finely wrought figures of the Saviour and the male 
factors uplifted upon their crosses behind the altar, 
and bright with a metallic luster of many colors. 
He turns next to the figures close to them of the 
Virgin and Mary Magdalen ; next to the rift in the 
living rock made by the earthquake at the time of 
the crucifixion, and an extension of which he had 
seen before in the wall of one of the grottoes below ; 
he looks next at the show-case with a figure of the 
Virgin in it, and is amazed at the princely fortune in 
precious gems and jewelry that hangs so thickly 
about the form as to hide it like a garment almost. 
All about the apartment the gaudy trappings of the 
Greek church offend the eye and keep the mind on 
the rack to remember that this is the Place of the 
Crucifixion Golgotha the Mount of Calvary. 
And the last thing he looks at is that which was also 
the first the place where the true cross stood. 
That will chain him to the spot and compel him to 
look once more, and once again, after he has satis 
fied all curiosity and lost all interest concerning the 
other matters pertaining to the locality. 

And so I close my chapter on the Church of the 
Holy Sepulchre the most sacred locality on earth 
to millions and millions of men, and women, and 
children, the noble and the humble, bond and free. 
In its history from the first, and in its tremendous 
associations, it is the most illustrious edifice in 
Christendom. With all its clap-trap side-shows and 
unseemly impostures of every kind, it is still grand, 

The Innocents Abroad 347 

reverend, venerable for a god died there; for 
fifteen hundred years its shrines have been wet with 
the tears of pilgrims from the earth s remotest con 
fines; for more than two hundred, the most gallant 
knights that ever wielded sword wasted their lives 
away in a struggle to seize it and hold it sacred from 
infidel pollution. Even in our own day a war, that 
cost millions of treasure and rivers of blood, was 
fought because two rival nations claimed the sole 
right to put a new dome upon it. History is full of 
this old Church of the Holy Sepulchre full of 
blood that was shed because of the respect and the 
veneration in which men held the last resting-place 
of the meek and lowly, the mild and gentle Prince 
of Peace 1 


WE were standing in a narrow street, by the 
Tower of Antonio. " On these stones that 
are crumbling away," the guide said, "the Saviour 
sat and rested before taking up the cross. This is 
the beginning of the Sorrowful Way, or the Way of 
Grief." The party took note of the sacred spot, 
and moved on. We passed under the " Ecce Homo 
Arch," and saw the very window from which Pilate s 
wife warned her husband to have nothing to do with 
the persecution of the Just Man. This window is in 
an excellent state of preservation, considering its 
great age. They showed us where Jesus rested the 
second time, and where the mob refused to give him 
up, and said, " Let his blood be upon our heads, 
and upon our children s children forever." The 
French Catholics are building a church on this spot, 
and with their usual veneration for historical relics, 
are incorporating into the new such scraps of ancient 
walls as they have found there. Further on, we saw 
the spot where the fainting Saviour fell under the 
weight of his cross. A great granite column of 
some ancient temple lay there at the time, and the 


The Innocents Abroad 349 

heavy cross struck it such a blow that it broke in 
two in the middle. Such was the guide s story 
when he halted us before the broken column. 

We crossed a street, and came presently to the 
former residence of St. Veronica. When the 
Saviour passed there, she came out, full of womanly 
compassion, and spoke pitying words to him, un 
daunted by the hootings and the threatcnings of the 
mob, and wiped the perspiration from his face with 
her handkerchief. We had heard so much of St. 
Veronica, and seen her picture by so many masters, 
that it was like meeting an old friend unexpectedly 
to come upon her ancient home in Jerusalem. The 
strangest thing about the incident that has made her 
name so famous, is, that when she wiped the per 
spiration away, the print of the Saviour s face re 
mained upon the handkerchief, a perfect portrait, 
and so remains unto this day. We knew this, 
because we saw this handkerchief in a cathedral in 
Paris, in another in Spain, and in two others in 
Italy. In the Milan cathedral it costs five francs to 
sec it, and at St. Peter s, at Rome, it is almost im 
possible to sec it at any price. No tradition is so 
amply verified as this of St. Veronica and her hand 

At the next corner we saw a deep indentation in the 
hard stone masonry of the corner of a house, but 
might have gone heedlessly by it but that the guide 
said it was made by the elbow of the Saviour, who 
stumbled here and fell. Presently we came to just 

350 The Innocents Abroad 

such another indentation in a stone wall. The guide 
said the Saviour fell here, also, and made this de 
pression with his elbow. 

There were other places where the Lord fell, and 
others where he rested ; but one of the most curious 
landmarks of ancient history we found on this morn 
ing walk through the crooked lanes that lead toward 
Calvary, was a certain stone built into a house a 
stone that was so seamed and scarred that it bore a 
sort of grotesque resemblance to the human face. 
The projections that answered for cheeks were worn 
smooth by the passionate kisses of generations of 
pilgrims from distant lands. We asked " Why?" 
The guide said it was because this was one of * the 
very stones of Jerusalem" that Christ mentioned 
when he was reproved for permitting the people to 
cry "Hosannah!" when he made his memorable 
entry into the city upon an ass. One of the pil 
grims said, ** But there is no evidence that the stones 
did my out Christ said that if the people stopped 
from shouting Hosannah, the very stones would do 
it." The guide was perfectly serene. He said, 
calmly, **This is one of the stones that would have 
cried out." It was of little use to try to shake this 
fellow s simple faith it was easy to see that. 

And so we came at last to another wonder, of 
deep and abiding interest the veritable house 
where the unhappy wretch once lived who has been 
celebrated in song and story for more than eighteen 
hundred years as the Wandering Jew. On the 

The Innocents Abroad 351 

memorable day of the Crucifixion he stood in this 
old doorway with his arms akimbo, looking out upon 
the struggling mob that was approaching, and when 
the weary Saviour would have sat down and rested 
him a moment, pushed him rudely away and said, 
"Move on!" The Lord said, "Move on, thou. 
likewise," and the command has never been revoked 
from that day to this. All men know how that the 
miscreant upon whose head that just curse fell has 
roamed up and down the wide world, for ages and 
ages, seeking rest and never finding it courting 
death but always in vain longing to stop, in city, 
in wilderness, in desert solitudes, yet hearing always 
that relentless warning to march march on ! They 
say do these hoary traditions that when Titus 
sacked Jerusalem and slaughtered eleven hundred 
thousand Jews in her streets and byways, the Wan 
dering Jew was seen always in the thickest of the 
fight, and that when battle-axes gleamed in the air, 
he bowed his head beneath them; when swords 
flashed their deadly lightnings, he sprang in their 
way; he bared his breast to whizzing javelins, to 
hissing arrows, to any and to every weapon that 
promised death and forgctfulness, and rest. But it 
was useless he walked forth out of the carnage 
without a wound. And it is said that five hundred 
years afterward he followed Mahomet when he car 
ried destruction to the cities of Arabia, and then 
turned against him, hoping in this way to win the 
d.\ath ot a traitor. His calculations were wrong 

352 The Innocents Abroad 

again. No quarter was given to any living creature 
but one, and that was the only one of all the host 
that did not want it. He sought death five hundred 
years later, in the wars of the Crusades, and offered 
himself to famine and pestilence at Ascalon. He 
escaped again he could not die. These repeated 
annoyances could have at last but one effect they 
shook his confidence. Since then the Wandering 
Jew has carried on a kind of desultory toying with 
the most promising of the aids and implements of 
destruction, but with small hope, as a general thing. 
He has speculated some in cholera and railroads, 
and has taken almost a lively interest in infernal 
machines and patent medicines. He is old, now, 
and grave, as becomes an age like his; he indulges 
in no light amusements save that he goes sometimes 
to executions, and is fond of funerals. 

There is one thing he cannot avoid ; go where he 
will about the world, he must never fail to report in 
Jerusalem every fiftieth year. Only a year or two 
ago he was here for the thirty-seventh time since 
Jesus was crucified on Calvary. They say that many 
old people, who are here now, saw him then, and had 
seen him before. He looks always the same old, 
and withered, and hollow-eyed, and listless, save 
that there is about him something which seems to 
suggest that he is looking for some one, expecting 
some one the friends of his youth, perhaps. But 
the most of them are dead, now. He always pokes 
about the old streets looking lonesome, making his 

The Innocents Abroad 353 

mark on a wall here and there, and eying the oldest 
buildings with a sort of friendly half interest; and 
he sheds a few tears at the threshold of his ancient 
dwelling, and bitter, bitter tears they are. Then he 
collects his rent and leaves again. He has been seen 
standing near the Church of the Holy Sepulchre on 
many a starlight night, for he has cherished an idea 
for many centuries that if he could only enter there, 
he could rest. But when he approaches, the doors 
slam to with a crash, the earth trembles, and all the 
lights in Jerusalem burn a ghastly blue 1 He does 
this every fifty years, just the same. It is hopeless, 
but then it is hard to break habits one has been 
eighteen hundred years accustomed to. The old 
tourist is far away on his wanderings, now. How 
he must smile to see a pack of blockheads like us, 
galloping about the world, and looking wise, and 
imagining we are finding out a good deal about it I 
He must have a consuming contempt for the ignorant, 
complacent asses that go skurrying about the world 
in these railroading days and call it traveling. 

When the guide pointed out where the Wandering 
Jew had left his familiar mark upon a wall, I was 
filled with astonishment. It read: 
"S. T. 1860 X." 

All I have revealed about the Wandering Jew can 
be amply proven by reference to our guide. 

The mighty Mosque of Omar, and the paved court 
around it, occupy a fourth part of Jerusalem. They 
are upon Mount Moriah, where King Solomon s 


354 The Innocents Abroad 

Temple stood. This Mosque is the holiest place 
the Mohammedan knows, outside of Mecca. Up to 
within a year or two past, no Christian could gain 
admission to it or its court for love or money. But 
the prohibition has been removed, and we entered 
freely for bucksheesh. 

I need not speak of the wonderful beauty and the 
exquisite grace and symmetry that have made this 
Mosque so celebrated because I did not see them. 
One cannot see such things at an instant glance 
one frequently only finds out how really beautiful a 
really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaint 
ance with her; and the rule applies to Niagara Falls, 
to majestic mountains, and to mosques especially 
to mosques. 

The great feature of the Mosque of Omar is the 
prodigious rock in the center of its rotunda. It was 
upon this rock that Abraham came so near offering 
up his son Isaac this, at least, is authentic it is 
very much more to be relied on than most of the 
traditions, at any rate. On this rock, also, the angel 
stood and threatened Jerusalem, and David persuaded 
him to spare the city. Mahomet was well acquainted 
with this stone. From it he ascended to heaven. 
The stone tried to follow him, and if the angel Gabriel 
had not happened by the merest good luck to be 
there to seize it, it would have done it. Very few 
people have a grip like Gabriel the prints of his 
monstrous fingers, two inches deep, are to be seen 
in that rock to-day. 

The Innocents Abroad 355 

This rock, large as it is, is suspended in the air. 
It does not touch anything at all. The guide said 
so. This is very wonderful. In the place on it 
where Mahomet stood, he left his footprints in the 
solid stone. I should judge that he wore about 
eighteens. But what I was going to say, when I 
spoke of the rock being suspended, was, that in the 
floor of the cavern under it they showed us a slab 
which they said covered a hole which was a thing ot 
extraordinary interest to all Mohammedans^ because 
that hole leads down to perdition, and every soul that 
is transferred from thence to Heaven must pass up 
through this orifice. Mahomet stands there and lifts 
them out by the hair. All Mohammedans shave 
their heads, but they are careful to leave a lock of 
hair for the Prophet to take hold of. Our guide ob 
served that a good Mohammedan would consider 
himself doomed to stay with the damned forever if 
he were to lose his scalp-lock and die before it grew 
again. The most of them that I have seen ought to 
stay with the damned, anyhow, without reference to 
how they were barbered. 

For several ages no woman has been allowed to 
enter the cavern where that important hole is. The 
reason is that one of the sex was once caught there 
blabbing everything she knew about what was going 
on above ground, to the rapscallions in the infernal 
regions down below. She carried her gossiping to 
such an extreme that nothing could be kept private 
- nothing could be done or said on earth but every- 

356 The Innocents Abroad 

body in perdition knew all about it before the sun 
went down. It was about time to suppress this 
woman s telegraph, and it was promptly done. Her 
breath subsided about the same time. 

The inside of the great mosque is very showy with 
variegated marble walls and with windows and in 
scriptions of elaborate mosaic. The Turks have their 
sacred relics, like the Catholics. The guide showed 
us the veritable armor worn by the great son-in-law 
and successor of Mahomet, and also the buckler of 
Mahomet s uncle. The great iron railing which sur 
rounds the rock was ornamented in one place with a 
thousand rags tied to its open work. These are to 
remind Mahomet not to forget the worshipers who 
placed them there. It is considered the next best 
thing to tying threads around his finger by way of 

Just outside the mosque is a miniature temple, 
which marks the spot where David and Goliah used 
to sit and judge the people.* 

Everywhere about the Mosque of Omar are por 
tions of pillars, curiously wrought altars, and frag 
ments of elegantly carved marble precious remains 
of Solomon s Temple. These have been dug from 
all depths in the soil and rubbish of Mount Moriah, 
and the Moslems have always shown a disposition to 
preserve them with the utmost care. At that por- 

A pilgrim informs me that it was not David and Goliah, but David 
and Saul. I stick to my own statement the guide told me, and he 
ought to know. 

The Innocents Abroad 357 

tion of the ancient wall of Solomon s Temple which 
is called the Jew s Place of Wailing, and where the 
Hebrews assemble every Friday to kiss the venerated 
stones and weep over the fallen greatness of Zion, 
anyone can see a part of the unquestioned and un 
disputed Temple of Solomon, the same consisting of 
three or four stones lying one upon the other, each 
of which is about twice as long as a seven-octave 
piano, and about as thick as such a piano is high. 
But, as I have remarked before, it is only a year or 
two ago that the ancient edict prohibiting Christian 
rubbish like ourselves to inter the Mosque of Omar 
and sec the costly marbles that once adorned the 
inner Temple was annulled. The designs wrought 
upon these fragments are all quaint and peculiar, and 
so the charm of novelty is added to the deep interest 
they naturally inspire. One meets with these vener 
able scraps at every turn, especially in the neighbor 
ing Mosque el Aksa, into whose inner walls a very 
large number of them arc carefully built for preser 
vation. These pieces of stone, stained and dusty 
with age, dimly hint at a grandeur we have all been 
taught to regard as the princclicst ever seen on earth ; 
and they call up pictures of a pageant that is familiar 
to all imaginations camels laden with spices and 
treasure beautiful slaves, presents for Solomon s 
harem a long cavalcade of richly caparisoned 
beasts and warriors and Shcba s Queen in the van 
of this vision of * Oriental magnificence." These 
elegant fragments bear a richer interest than the 

358 The Innocents Abroad 

solemn vastness of the stones the Jews kiss in the 
Place of Wailing can ever have for the needles 

Down in the hollow ground, underneath the olives 
and the orange trees that flourish in the court of the 
great Mosque, is a wilderness of pillars remains of 
the ancient Temple; they supported it. There are 
ponderous archways down there, also, over which 
the destroying ** plough " of prophecy passed harm 
less. It is pleasant to know we are disappointed, in 
that we never dreamed we might see portions of the 
actual Temple of Solomon, and yet experience no 
shadow of suspicion that they were a monkish hum 
bug and a fraud. 

We are surfeited with sights. Nothing has any 
fascination for us, now, but the Church of the Holy 
Sepulchre. We have been there every day, and 
have not grown tired of it; but we are weary of 
everything else. The sights are too many. They 
swarm about you at every step ; no single foot of 
ground in all Jerusalem or within its neighborhood 
seems to be without a stirring and important history 
of its own. It is a very relief to steal a walk of a 
hundred yards without a guide along to talk unceas 
ingly about every stone you step upon and drag you 
back ages and ages to the day when it achieved 

It seems hardly real when I find myself leaning 
for a moment on a ruined wall and looking listlessly 
down into the historic pool of Bethesda. I did not 

The Innocents Abroad 359 

think such things could be so crowded together as to 
diminish their interest. But, in serious truth, we 
have been drifting about, for several days, using 
our eyes and our ears from a sense of duty than any 
higher and worthier reason. And too often we have 
been glad when it was time to go home and be dis 
tressed no more about illustrious localities. 

Our pilgrims compress too much into one day. 
One can gorge sights to repletion as well as sweet 
meats. Since we breakfasted, this morning, we have 
seen enough to have furnished us food for a year s 
reflection if we could have seen the various objects 
in comfort and looked upon them deliberately. We 
visited the pool of Hczekiah, where David saw 
Uriah s wife coming from the bath and fell in love 
with her. 

We went out of the city by the Jaffa gate, and of 
course were told many things about its Tower of 

We rode across the Valley of Hinnom, between 
two of the Pools of Gihon, and by an aqueduct 
built by Solomon, which still conveys water to the 
city. We ascended the Hill of Evil Counsel, where 
Judas received his thirty pieces of silver, and we also 
lingered a moment under the tree a venerable tradi 
tion says he hanged himself on. 

We descended to the carton again, and then the 
guide began to give name and history to every bar.k 
and boulder we came to: "This was the Field of 
Blood ; these cuttings in tne rocks were shrines and 

360 The Innocents Abroad 

temples of Moloch; here they sacrificed children; 
yonder is the Zion Gate; the Tyropean Valley; the 
Hill of Ophel ; here is the junction of the Valley of 
Jehoshaphat on your right is the Well of Job." 
We turned up Jehoshaphat. The recital went on. 

This is the Mount of Olives; this is the Hill of 
Offense; the nest of huts is the Village of Siloam; 
here, yonder, everywhere, is the King s Garden; 
under this great tree Zacharias, the high priest, was 
murdered ; yonder is Mount Moriah and the Temple 
wall ; the tomb of Absalom ; the tomb of St. James ; 
the tomb of Zacharias; beyond, are the Garden of 
Gethsemane and the tomb of the Virgin Mary ; here 
is the Pool of Siloam, and " 

We said we would dismount, and quench our 
thirst, and rest. We were burning up with the heat. 
We were failing tinder the accumulated fatigue of days 
and days of ceaseless marching. All were willing. 

The Pool is a deep, walled ditch, through which a 
clear stream of water runs, that comes from under 
Jerusalem somewhere, and passing through the 
Fountain of the Virgin, or being supplied from it, 
reaches this place by way of a tunnel of heavy 
masonry. The famous pool looked exactly as it 
looked in Solomon s time, no doubt, and the same 
dusky, Oriental women, came down in their old 
Oriental way and carried off jars of the water on 
their heads, just as they did three thousand years 
ago, and just as they will do fifty thousand years 
hence if any of them are still left on earth. 

The Innocents Abroad *6t 

We went away from there and stopped at the 
Fountain of the Virgin. But the water was not good, 
and there was no comfort or peace anywhere, on 
account of the regiment of boys and girls and beg 
gars that persecuted us all the time for bucksheesh. 
The guide wanted us to give them some money, and 
we did it ; but when he went on to say that they 
were starving to death we could not but feel that we 
had done a great sin in throwing obstacles in the way 
of such a desirable consummation, and so we tried 
to collect it back, but it could not be done. 

We entered the Garden of Gethsemane, and we 
visited the Tomb of the Virgin, both of which we 
had seen before. It is not meet that I should speak 
of them now. A more fitting time will come. 

I cannot speak now of the Mount of Olives or its 
view of Jerusalem, the Dead Sea, and the mountains 
of Moab ; nor of the Damascus Gate or the tree that 
was planted by King Godfrey of Jerusalem. One 
ought to feel pleasantly when he talks of these 
things. I cannot say anything about the stone col 
umn that projects over Jchoshaphat from the Temple 
wall like a cannon, except that the Moslems believe 
Mahomet will sit astride of it when he comes to judge 
the world. It is a pity he could not judge it from 
some roost of his own in Mecca, without trespass 
ing on our holy ground. Close by is the Golden 
Gate, in the Temple wall a gate that was an 
elegant piece of sculpture in the time of the Temple, 
and is even so yet From it, in ancient times, the 

362 The Innocents Abroad 

Jewish High Priest turned loose the scapegoat and 
let him flee to the wilderness and bear away his 
twelvemonth load of the sins of the people. If 
they were to turn one loose now, he would not get 
as far as the Garden of Gethsemane, till these miser 
able vagabonds here would gobble him up,* sins and 
all. They wouldn t care. Mutton-chops and sin is 
good enough living for them. The Moslems watch 
the Golden Gate with a jealous eye, and an anxious 
one, for they have an honored tradition that when 
it falls, Islamism will fall, and with it the Ottoman 
Empire. It did not grieve me any to notice that the 
old gate was getting a little shaky. 

We are at home again. We are exhausted. The 
sun has roasted us, almost. 

We have full comfort in one reflection, however. 
Our experiences in Europe have taught us that in 
time this fatigue will be forgotten ; the heat will be 
forgotten ; the thirst, the tiresome volubility of the 
guide, the persecutions of the beggars and then, 
all that will be left will be pleasant memories of 
Jerusalem, memories we shall call up with always in 
creasing interest as the years go by, memories which 
some day will become all beautiful when the last 
annoyance that incumbers them shall have faded out 
of our minds never again to return. Schoolboy days 
re no happier than the days of after life, but we look 
back upon them regretfully because we have for- 

Favorite pilgrim expression. 

The Innocents Abroad 363 

gotten our punishments at school, and how we 
grieved when our marbles were lost and our kites de 
stroyed because ve have forgotten all the sorrows 
and privations of that canonized epoch and remem 
ber only its orchard robberies, its wooden sword 
pageants, and its fishing holidays. We are satisfied. 
We can wait. Our reward will come. To us, 
Jerusalem and to-day s experiences will be an en 
chanted memory a year hence a memory which 
money could not buy from us. 


WE cast up the account. It footed up pretty 
fairly. There was nothing more at Jerusalem 
to be seen, except the traditional houses of Dives and 
Lazarus of the parable, the Tombs of the Kings, and 
those of the Judges; the spot where they stoned one 
of the disciples to death, and beheaded another; the 
room and the table made celebrated by the Last Sup 
per; the fig-tree that Jesus withered; a number of 
historical places about Gethsemane and the Mount of 
Olives, and fifteen or twenty others in different por 
tions of the city itself. 

We were approaching the end. Human nature 
asserted itself, now. Overwork and consequent ex 
haustion began to have their natural effect. They 
began to master the energies and dull the ardor of 
the party. Perfectly secure now against failing to 
accomplish any detail of the pilgrimage, they felt 
like drawing in advance upon the holiday soon to 
be placed to their credit. They grew a little lazy. 
They were late to breakfast and sat long at dinner. 
Thirty or forty pilgrims had arrived from the ship, 
by the short routes, and much swapping of gossip 


The Innocents Abroad }65 

had to be indulged in. And in hot afternoons, they 
showed a strong disposition to lie on the cool divans 
in the hotel and smoke and talk about pleasant ex 
periences of a month or so gone by for even thus 
early do episodes of travel which were sometimes 
annoying, sometimes exasperating, and full as often 
of no consequence at all when they transpired, begin 
to rise above the dead level of monotonous remin 
iscences and become shapely landmarks in one s 
memory. The fog- whistle, smothered amonf a 
million of trifling sounds, is not noticed a block 
away, in the city, but the sailor hears it far at sea, 
whither none of those thousands of trifling sounds 
can reach. When one is in Rome, all the domes are 
alike; but when he has gone away twelve miles, the 
city fades utterly from sight and leaves St. Peter s 
swelling above the level plain like an anchored bal 
loon. When one is traveling in Europe, the daily 
incidents seem all alike ; but when he has placed them 
all two months and two thousand miles behind him, 
those that were worthy of being remembered are 
prominent, and those that were really insignificant 
have vanished. This disposition to smoke and idle 
and talk was not well. It was plain that it must not 
be allowed to gain ground. A diversion must be 
tried, or demoralization would ensue. The Jordan, 
Jericho, and the Dead Sea were suggested. The 
remainder of Jerusalem must be left unvisitcd, for a 
little while. The journey was approved at once. 
New life stirred in every pulse. In the saddle 

366 The Innocents Abroad 

abroad on the plains sleeping in beds bounded 
only by the horizon : fancy was at work with these 
things in a moment. It was painful to note how 
readily these town-bred men had taken to the free 
life of the camp and the desert. The nomadic in 
stinct is a human instinct; it was born with Adam 
and transmitted through the patriarchs, and after 
thirty centuries of steady effort, civilization has not 
educated it entirely out of us yet. It has a charm 
vhich, once tasted, a man will yearn to taste again. 
The nomadic instinct cannot be educated out of an 
Indian at all. 

The Jordan journey being approved, our dragoman 
was notified. 

At nine in the morning the caravan was before the 
hotel door and we were at breakfast. There was 
a commotion about the place. Rumors of war and 
bloodshed were flying everywhere. The lawless 
Bedouins in the Valley of the Jordan and the deserts 
down by the Dead Sea were up in arms, and were 
going to destroy all comers. They had had a battle 
with a troop of Turkish cavalry and defeated them ; 
several men killed. They had shut up the inhab 
itants of a village and a Turkish garrison in an old 
fort near Jericho, and were besieging them. They 
had marched upon a camp of our excursionists by 
the Jordan, and the pilgrims only saved their lives by 
stealing away and flying to Jerusalem under whip 
and spur in the darkness of the night. Another of 
our parties had been fired on from an ambush and 

The Innocents Abroad 367 

then attacked in the open day. Shots were fired on 
both sides. Fortunately, there was no bloodshed. 
We spoke with the very pilgrim who had fired one of 
the shots, and learned from his own lips how, in this 
imminent deadly peril, only the cool courage of the 
pilgrims, their strength of numbers and imposing 
display of war material, had saved them from utter 
destruction. It was reported that the Consul had 
requested that no more of our pilgrims should go to 
the Jordan while this state of things lasted; and 
further, that he was unwilling that any more should 
go, at least without an unusually strong military 
guard. Here was trouble. But with the horses at 
the door and everybody aware of what they were 
there for, what would you have done? Acknowl 
edged that you were afraid, and backed shamefully 
out? Hardly. It would not be human nature, 
where there were so many women. You would 
have done as we did : said you were not afraid of a 
million Bedouins and made your will and pro 
posed quietly to yourself to take up an unostenta 
tious position in the rear of the procession. 

I think we must all have determined upon the 
same line of tactics, for it did seem as if we never 
would get to Jericho. I had a notoriously slow 
horse, but somehow I could not keep him in the rear, 
to save my neck. He was forever turning up in the 
lead. In such cases I trembled a little, and got down 
to fix my saddle. But it was not of any use. The 
others all got down to fix their saddles, too. I never 

368 The Innocents Abroad 

saw such a time with saddles. It was the first time 
any of them had got out of order in three weeks, 
and now they had all broken down at once. I tried 
walking, for exercise I had not had enough in 
Jerusalem searching for holy places. But it was a 
failure. The whole mob were suffering for exercise, 
and it was not fifteen minutes till they were all on 
foot and I had the lead again. It was very dis 

This was all after we got beyond Bethany. We 
stopped at the village of Bethany, an hour out from 
Jerusalem. They showed us the tomb of Lazarus. 
I had rather live in it than in any house in the town. 
And they showed us also a large " Fountain of 
Lazarus," and in the center of the village the 
ancient dwelling of Lazarus. Lazarus appears to 
have been a man of property. The legends of the 
Sunday-schools do him great injustice; they give 
one the impression that he was poor. It is because 
they get him confused with that Lazarus who had no 
merit but his virtue, and virtue never has been as re 
spectable as money. The house of Lazarus is a 
three-story edifice, of stone masonry, but the accu 
mulated rubbish of ages has buried all of it but the 
upper story. We took candles and descended to 
the dismal cell-like chambers where Jesus sat at meat 
with Martha and Mary, and conversed with them 
about their brother. We could not but look upon 
these old dingy apartments with a more than com 
mon interest. 

The Innocents Abroad 369 

We had had a glimpse, from a mountain top, of 
the Dead Sea, lying like a blue shield in the plain of 
the Jordan, and now we were marching down a close, 
flaming, rugged, desolate defile, where no living 
creature could enjoy life, except, perhaps, a sal 
amander. Jt was such a dreary, repulsive, horrible 
solitude! It was the "wilderness" where John 
preached, with camel s hair about his loins rai 
ment enough but he never could have got his 
locusts and wild honey here. We were moping 
along down through this dreadful place, every man 
in the rear. Our guards two gorgeous young 
Arab sheiks, with cargoes of swords, guns, pistols, 
and daggers on board were loafing ahead. 


Every man shrunk up and disappeared in his 
clothes like a mud-turtle. My first impulse was to 
dash forward and destroy the Bedouins. My second 
was to dash to the rear to see if there were any com 
ing in that direction. I acted on the latter impulse. 
So did all the others. If any Bedouins had ap 
proached us, then, from that point of the compass, 
they would have paid dearly for their rashness. We 
all remarked that, afterwards. There would have 
been scenes of riot and bloodshed there that no pen 
could describe. I know that, because each man told 
what he would have done, individually; and such a 
medley of strange and unheard-of inventions of 
cruelty you could not conceive of. One man said 
he had calmly made up his mind to perish where he 

370 The Innocents Abroad 

stood, if need be, but never yield an inch; he was 
going to wait, with deadly patience, till he could 
count the stripes upon the first Bedouin s jacket, and 
then count them and let him have it. Another was 
going to sit still till the first lance reached within an 
inch of his breast, and then dodge it and seize it. I 
forbear to tell what he was going to do to that 
Bedouin that owned it. It makes my blood run 
cold to think of it. Another was going to scalp such 
Bedouins as fell to his share, and take his bald- 
headed sons of the desert home with him alive for 
trophies. But the wild-eyed pilgrim rhapsodist was 
silent. His orbs gleamed with a deadly light, but 
his lips moved not. Anxiety grew, and he was 
questioned. If he had got a Bedouin, what would 
he have done with him shot him? He smiled a 
smile of grim contempt and shook his head. Would 
he have stabbed him? Another shake. Would he 
have quartered him flayed him? More shakes. 
Oh ! horror, what would he have done? 

44 Eat him!" 

Such was the awful sentence that thundered from 
his lips. What was grammar to a desperado like 
that? I was glad in my heart that I had been spared 
these scenes of malignant carnage. No Bedouins 
attacked our terrible rear. And none attacked the 
front. The newcomers were only a re-enforcement 
of cadaverous Arabs, in shirts and bare legs, sent 
far ahead of us to brandish rusty guns, and shout 
and brag, and carry on like lunatics, and thus scare 

The Innocents Abroad 371 

away all bands of marauding Bedouins that might 
lurk about our path. What a shame it is that armed 
white Christians must travel under guard of vermin 
like this as a protection against the prowling vaga 
bonds of the desert those sanguinary outlaws who 
are always going to do something desperate, but 
never do it. I may as well mention here that on our 
whole trip we saw no Bedouins, and had no more 
use for an Arab guard than we could have had for 
patent-leather boots and white kid gloves. The 
Bedouins that attacked the other parties of pilgrims 
so fiercely were provided for the occasion by the 
Arab guards of those parties, and shipped from 
Jerusalem for temporary service as Bedouins. They 
met together in full view of the pilgrims, after the 
battle, and took lunch, divided the buckshcesh ex 
torted in the season of danger, and then accompanied 
the cavalcade home to the city ! The nuisance of an 
Arab guard is one which is created by the Sheiks 
and the Bedouins together, for mutual profit, it is 
said, and no doubt there is a good deal of truth in it 

We visited the fountain the prophet Elisha sweet 
ened (it is sweet yet); where he remained some 
time and was fed by the ravens. 

Ancient Jericho is not very picturesque as a ruin. 
When Joshua marched around it seven times, some 
three thousand years ago, and blew it down with his 
trumpet, he did the work so well and so completely 
that he hardly left enough of the city to cast a 
shadow. The curse pronounced against the rebuild- 


372 The Innocents Abroad 

ing of it has never been removed. One king, hold 
ing the curse in light estimation, made the attempt, 
but was stricken sorely for his presumption. Its 
site will always remain unoccupied ; and yet it is 
one of the very best locations for a town we have 
seen in all Palestine. 

At two in the morning they routed us out of bed 
another piece of unwarranted cruelty, another 
stupid effort of our dragoman to get ahead of a 
rival. It was not two hours to the Jordan. How 
ever, we were dressed and under way before any one 
thought of looking to see what time it was, and so 
we drowsed on through the chill night air and 
dreamed of camp fires, warm beds, and other com 
fortable things. 

There was no conversation. People do not talk 
when they are cold, and wretched, and sleepy. We 
nodded in the saddle, at times, and woke up with a 
start to find that the procession had disappeared in 
the gloom. Then there was energy and attention to 
business until its dusky outlines came in sight again. 
Occasionally the order was passed in a low voice 
down the line: "Close up close up! Bedouins 
lurk here, everywhere!" What an exquisite shud 
der it sent shivering along one s spine! 

We reached the famous river before four o clock, 
and the night was so black that we could have ridden 
into it without seeing it. Some of us were in an 
unhappy frame of mind. We waited and waited for 
daylight, but it did not come. Finally we went 

The Innocents Abroad 373 

away in the dark and slept an hour on the ground, 
in the bushes, and caught cold. It was a costly 
nap, on that account, but otherwise it was a paying 
investment because it brought unconsciousness of 
the dreary minutes and put us in a somewhat fitter 
mood for a first glimpse of the sacred river. 

With the first suspicion of dawn, every pilgrim took 
off his clothes and waded into the dark torrent, singing : 

"On Jordan s stormy banks I stand, 

And cast a wistful eye. 
To Canaan s fair and happy land, 
Where my possessions lie." 

But they did not sing long. The water was so 
fearfully cold that they were obliged to stop singing 
and scamper out again. Then they stood on the 
bank shivering, and so chagrined and so grieved, 
that they merited honest compassion. Because 
another dream, another cherished hope, had failed. 
They had promised themselves all along that they 
would cross the Jordan where the Israelites crossed 
it when they entered Canaan from their long pil 
grimage in the desert. They would cross where the 
twelve stones were placed in memory of that great 
event. While they did it they would picture to 
themselves that vast army of pilgrims marching 
through the cloven waters, bearing the hallowed ark 
of the covenant and shouting hcsannahs, and singing 
songs of thanksgiving and praise. Each had prom 
ised himself that he would be the first to cross. 
They were at the goal of their hopes at last, but the 
current was too swift, the water was too cold I 

374 The Innocents Abroad 

It was then that Jack did them a service. Wjth 
that engaging recklessness of consequences which is 
natural to youth, and so proper and so seemly, as 
well, he went and led the way across the Jordan, and 
all was happiness again. Every individual waded 
over, then, and stood upon the further bank. The 
water was not quite breast deep, anywhere. If it 
had been more, we could hardly have accomplished 
the feat, for the strong current would have swept us 
down the stream, and we would have been exhausted 
and drowned before reaching a place where we could 
make a landing. The main object compassed, the 
drooping, miserable party sat down to wait for the 
sun again, for all wanted to see the water as well as 
feel it. But it was too cold a pastime. Some cans 
were filled from the holy river, some canes cut from 
its banks, and then we mounted and rode reluctantly 
away to keep from freezing to death. So we saw 
the Jordan very dimly. The thickets of bushes that 
bordered its banks threw their shadows across its 
shallow, turbulent waters (* stormy," the hymn 
makes them, which is rather a complimentary stretch 
of fancy), and we could not judge of the width of 
the stream by the eye. We knew by our wading 
experience, however, that many streets in America 
are double as wide as the Jordan. 

Daylight came, soon after we got under way, and 
in the course of an hour or two we reached the 
Dead Sea. Nothing grows in the flat, burning desert 
around it but weeds and the Dead Sea apple the 

The Innocents Abroad 375 

poets say is beautiful to the eye, but crumbles to 
ashes and dust when you break it. Such as we 
found were not handsome, but they were bitter to 
the taste. They yielded no dust. It was because 
they were not ripe, perhaps. 

The desert and the barren hills gleam painfully in 
the sun, around the Dead Sea, and there is no 
pleasant thing or living creature upon it or about its 
borders to cheer the eye. It is a scorching, arid, 
repulsive solitude. A silence broods over the scene 
that is depressing to the spirits. It makes one think 
of funerals and death. 

The Dead Sea is small. Its waters are very clear, 
and it has a pebbly bottom and is shallow for some 
distance out from the shores. It yields quantities 
of asphaltum ; fragments of it lie all about its banks; 
this stuff gives the place something of an unpleasant 

All our reading had taught us to expect that the 
first plunge into the Dead Sea would be attended 
with distressing results our bodies would feel as if 
they were suddenly pierced by millions of red-hot 
needles; the dreadful smarting would continue for 
hours; we might even look to be blistered from head 
to foot, and surfer miserably for many days. We 
were disappointed. Our eight sprang in at the same 
time that another party of pilgrims did, and nobody 
screamed once. None of them ever did complain 
of anything more than a slight pricking sensation in 
places where their skin was abraded, and then only 

376 The Innocents Abroad 

for a short time. My face smarted for a couple of 
hours, but it was partly because I got it badly sun 
burned while I was bathing, and stayed in so long 
that it became plastered over with salt. 

No, the water did not blister us; it did not cover 
us with a slimy ooze and confer upon us an atrocious 
fragrance ; it was not very slimy ; and I could not 
discover that we smelt really any worse than we 
have always smelt since we have been in Palestine. 
It was only a different kind of smell, but not con 
spicuous on that account, because we have a great 
deal of variety in that respect. We didn t smell, 
there on the Jordan, the same as we do in Jerusa 
lem ; and we don t smell in Jerusalem just as we did 
in Nazareth, or Tiberias, or Cesarea Philippi, or any 
of those other ruinous ancient towns in Galilee. 
No, we change all the time, and generally for the 
worse. We do our own washing. 

It was a funny bath. We could not sink. One 
could stretch himself at full length on his back, with 
his arms on his breast, and all of his body above a 
line drawn from the corner of his jaw past the middle 
of his side, the middle of his leg and through his 
ankle bone, would remain out of water. He could 
lift his head clear out if he chose. No position 
can be retained long; you lose your balance and 
whirl over, first on your back and then on your 
face, and so on. You can lie comfortably, on your 
back, with your head out, and your legs out from 
your knees down, by steadying yourself with your 

The Innocents Abroad 377 

hands. You can sit, with your knees drawn up to 
your chin and your arms clasped around them, but 
you are bound to turn over presently, because you 
are topheavy in that position. You can stand up 
straight in water that is over your head, and from 
the middle of your breast upward you will not be 
wet. But you cannot remain so. The water will 
soon float your feet to the surface. You cannot 
swim on your back and make any progress of any 
consequence, because your feet stick away above 
the surface, and there is nothing to propel yourself 
with but your heels. If you swim on your face, 
you kick up the water like a stern-wheel boat. You 
make no headway. A horse is so topheavy that he 
can neither swim nor stand up in the Dead Sea. He 
turns over on his side at once. Some of us bathed 
for more than an hour, and then came out coated 
with salt till we shone like icicles. We scrubbed it 
off with a coarse towel and rode off with a splendid 
brand-new smell, though it was one which was not 
any more disagreeable than those we have been for 
several weeks enjoying. It was the variegated vil 
lainy and novelty of it that charmed us. Salt 
crystals glitter in the sun about the shores of the 
lake. In places they coat the ground like a brilliant 
crust of ice. 

When I was a boy I somehow got the impression 
that the river Jordan was four thousand miles long 
and thirty-five miles wide. It is only ninety miles 
long, and so crooked that a man docs not know 

378 The Innocents Abroad 

which side of it he is on half the time. In going 
ninety miles it does not get over more than fifty 
miles of ground. It is not any wider than Broad 
way in New York. There is the Sea of Galilee and 
this Dead Sea neither of them twenty miles long 
or thirteen wide. And yet when I was in Sunday- 
school I thought they were sixty thousand miles in 

Travel and experience mar the grandest pictures 
and rob us of the most cherished traditions of our 
boyhood. Well, let them go. I have already seen 
the Empire of King Solomon diminish to the size of 
the State of Pennsylvania; I suppose I can bear the 
reduction of the seas and the river. 

We looked everywhere, as we passed along, but 
never saw grain or crystal of Lot s wife. It was a 
great disappointment. For many and many a year 
we had known her sad story, and taken that interest 
in her which misfortune always inspires. But she 
was gone. Her picturesque form no longer looms 
above the desert of the Dead Sea to remind the 
tourist of the doom that fell upon the lost cities. 

I cannot describe the hideous afternoon s ride 
from the Dead Sea to Mars Saba. It oppresses me 
yet, to think of it. The sun so pelted us that the 
tears ran down our cheeks once or twice. The 
ghastly, treeless, grasslcss, breathless cafions smoth 
ered us as if we had been in an oven. The sun had 
positive weight to it, I think. Not a man could sit 
erect under it. All drooped low in the saddles. 

The Innocents Abroad 379 

John preached in this " Wilderness" ! It must have 
been exhausting work. What a very heaven the 
massy towers and ramparts of vast Mars Saba looked 
to us when we caught a first glimpse of them ! 

We stayed at this great convent all night, guests 
of the hospitable priests. Mars Saba, perched upon 
a crag, a human nest stuck high up against a per 
pendicular mountain wall, is a world of grand 
masonry that rises, terrace upon terrace, away above 
your head, like the terraced and retreating colonnades 
one sees in fanciful pictures of Belshazzar s Feast 
and the palaces of the ancient Pharaohs. No other 
human dwelling is near. It was founded many ages 
ago by a holy recluse who lived at first in a cave in 
the rock a cave which is inclosed in the convent 
walls now, and was reverently shown to us by the 
priests. This recluse, by his rigorous torturing of 
his flesh, his diet of bread and water, his utter with 
drawal from all society and from the vanities of the 
world, and his constant prayer and saintly contem 
plation of a skull, inspired an emulation that brought 
about him many disciples. The precipice on the 
opposite side of the caftan is well perforated with 
the small holes they dug in the rock to live in. The 
present occupants of Mars Saba, about seventy in 
number, are all hermits. They wear a coarse robe, 
an ugly, brimlcss stovepipe of a hat, and go with 
out shoes. They eat nothing whatever but bread 
and salt; they drink nothing but water. As long as 
they live they can never go outside the walls, or 

5 SO The Innocents Abroad 

look upon a woman for no woman is permitted to 
enter Mars Saba, upon any pretext whatsoever. 

Some of those men have been shut up there for 
thirty years. In all that dreary time they have not 
heard the laughter of a child or the blessed voice of 
a woman; they have seen no human tears, no 
human smiles; they have known no human joys, no 
wholesome human sorrows. In their hearts are no 
memories of the past, in their brains no dreams of 
the future. All that is lovable, beautiful, worthy, 
they have put far away from them ; against all things 
that are pleasant to look upon, and all sounds that 
are music to the ear, they have barred their massive 
doors and reared their relentless walls of stone for 
ever. They have banished the tender grace of life 
and left only the sapped and skinny mockery. 
Their lips are lips that never kiss and never sing ; 
their hearts are hearts that never hate and never 
love ; their breasts are breasts that never swell with 
the sentiment, * I have a country and a flag." 
They are dead men who walk. 

I set down these first thoughts because they are 
natural not because they are just or because it is 
right to set them down. It is easy for bookmakers 
to say * I thought so and so as I looked upon such 
and such a scene" when the truth is, they thought 
all those fine things afterward. One s first thought 
is not likely to be strictly accurate, yet it is no 
crime to think it and none to write it down, subject 
to modification by later experience These hermits 

The Innocents Abroad 31 

are dead men, in several respects, but not in all; 
and it is not proper that, thinking ill of them at 
first, I should go on doing so, or, speaking ill of 
them, I should reiterate the words and stick to them 
No, they treated us too kindly for that. There is 
something human about them somewhere. They 
knew we were foreigners and Protestants, and not 
likely to feel admiration or much friendliness toward 
them. But their large charity was above consider 
ing such things. They simply saw in us men who 
were hungry, and thirsty, and tired, and that was 
sufficient. They opened their doors and gave us 
welcome. They asked no questions, and they made 
no self-righteous display of their hospitality. They 
fished for no compliments. They moved quietly 
about, setting the table for us, making the beds, 
and bringing water to wash in, and paid no heed 
when we said it was wrong for them to do that when 
we had men whose business it was to perform such 
offices. We fared most comfortably, and sat late at 
dinner. We walked all over the building with the 
hermits afterward, and then sat on the lofty battle 
ments and smoked while we enjoyed the cool air, the 
wild scenery, and the sunset. One or two chose 
cosy bedrooms to sleep in, but the nomadic instinct 
prompted the rest to sleep on the broad divan that 
extended around the great hall, because it seemed 
like sleeping out of doors, and so was more cheery 
and inviting. It was a royal rest we had. 

When we got up to breakfast in the morning, we 

382 The Innocents Abroad 

were new men. For all this hospitality no strict 
charge was made. We could give something if we 
chose ; we need give nothing, if we were poor or if 
we were stingy. The pauper and the miser are as 
free as any in the Catholic convents of Palestine. I 
have been educated to enmity toward everything 
that is Catholic, and sometimes, in consequence of 
this, I find it much easier to discover Catholic faults 
than Catholic merits. But there is one thing I feel 
no disposition to overlook, and no disposition to 
forget; and that is, the honest gratitude I and all 
pilgrims owe to the Convent Fathers in Palestine. 
Their doors are always open, and there is always a 
welcome for any worthy man who comes, whether 
he comes in rags or clad in purple. The Catholic 
convents are a priceless blessing to the poor. A 
pilgrim without money, whether he be a Protestant 
or a Catholic, can travel the length and breadth of 
Palestine, and in the midst of her desert wastes find 
wholesome food and a clean bed every night, in 
these buildings. Pilgrims in better circumstances 
are often stricken down by the sun and the fevers of 
the country, and then their saving refuge is the con 
vent. Without these hospitable retreats, travel in 
Palestine would be a pleasure which none but the 
strongest men could dare to undertake. Our party, 
pilgrims and all, will always be ready and always 
willing to touch glasses and drink health, prosperity, 
and long life to the Convent Fathers of Palestine. 
So, rested and refreshed, we fell into line and 

The Innocents Abroad 333 

filed away over the barren mountains of Judea, and 
along rocky ridges and through sterile gorges, where 
eternal silence and solitude reigned. Even the scat 
tering groups of armed shepherds we met the after 
noon before, tending their flocks of long-haired 
goats, were wanting here. We saw but two living 
creatures. They were gazelles of " soft- eyed " 
notoriety. They looked like very young kids, but 
they annihilated distance like an express train. I have 
not seen animals that moved faster, unless I might 
say it of the antelopes of our own great plains. 

At nine or ten in the morning we reached the 
Plain of the Shepherds, and stood in a walled garden 
of olives where the shepherds were watching their 
flocks by night, eighteen centuries ago, when the 
multitude of angels brought them the tidings that 
the Saviour was born. A quarter of a mile away 
was Bethlehem of Judea, and the pilgrims took 
some of the stone wall and hurried on. 

The Plain of the Shepherds is a desert, paved 
with loose stones, void of vegetation, glaring in the 
fierce sun. Only the music of the angels it knew 
once could charm its shrubs and flowers to life again 
and restore its vanished beauty. No less potent 
enchantment could avail to work this miracle. 

In the huge Church of the Nativity, in Bethlehem, 
built fifteen hundred years ago by the inveterate St. 
Helena, they tock us below ground, and into a 
grotto cut in the living rock. This was the 
"manger" where Christ was born. A silver star 

384 Tne Innocents Abroad 

set in the floor bears a Latin inscription to that 
effect. It is polished with the kisses of many gener 
ations of worshiping pilgrims. The grotto was 
tricked out in the usual tasteless style observable in 
al) the holy places of Palestine. As in the Church 
of the Holy Sepulchre, envy and uncharitableness 
were apparent here. The priests and the members 
of the Greek and Latin churches cannot come by 
the same corridor to kneel in the sacred birthplace 
of the Redeemer, but are compelled to approach 
and retire by different avenues, lest they quarrel 
and fight on this holiest ground on earth. 

I have no " meditations," suggested by this spot 
where the very first " Merry Christmas!" was ut 
tered in all the world, and from whence the friend 
of my childhood, Santa Claus, departed on his first 
journey to gladden and continue to gladden roaring 
firesides on wintry mornings in many a distant land 
forever and forever. I touch, with reverent finger, 
the actual spot where the infant Jesus lay, but I 
think nothing. 

You cannot think in this place any more than you 
can in any other in Palestine that would be likely to 
inspire reflection. Beggars, cripples, and monks 
compass you about, and make you think only of 
bucksheesh when you would rather think of some 
thing more in keeping with the character of the spot. 

I was glad to get away, and glad when we had 
walked through the grottoes where Eusebius wrote, 
and Jerome fasted, and Joseph prepared for the 

The Innocents Abroad 385 

flight into Egypt, and the dozen other distinguished 
grottoes, and knew we were done. The Church of 
the Nativity is almost as well packed with exceed 
ing holy places as the Church of the Holy Sepul 
chre itself. They even have in it a grotto wherein 
twenty thousand children were slaughtered by Herod 
when he was seeking the life of the infant Saviour. 

We went to the Milk Grotto, of course a cavern 
where Mary hid herself for a while before the flight 
into Egypt. Its walls were black before she en 
tered, but in suckling the Child, a drop of her milk 
fell upon the floor and instantly changed the dark 
ness of the walls to its own snowy hue. We took 
many little fragments of stone from here, because 
it is well known in all the East that a barren woman 
hath need only to touch her lips to one of these and 
her failing will depart from her. We took many 
specimens, to the end that we might confer happi 
ness upon certain households that we wot of. 

We got away from Bethlehem and its troops of 
beggars and relic-peddlers in the afternoon, and 
after spending some little time at Rachel s tomb, 
hurried to Jerusalem as fast as possible. I never 
was so glad to get home again before. I never have 
enjoyed rest as I have enjoyed it during these last 
few hours. The journey to the Dead Sea, the Jor 
dan, and Bethlehem was short, but it was an ex 
hausting one. Such roasting heat, such oppressive 
solitude, and such dismal desolation cannot surely 
exist elsewhere on earth. And such fatigue I 

386 The Innocents Abroad 

The commonest sagacity warns me that I ought 
to tell the customary pleasant lie, and say I tore 
myself reluctantly away from every noted place in 
Palestine. Everybody tells that, but with as little 
ostentation as I may, I doubt the word of every he 
who tells it. I could take a dreadful oath that I 
have never heard any one of our forty pilgrims say 
anything of the sort, and they are as worthy and as 
sincerely devout as any that come here. They 
will say it when they get home, fast enough, but 
why should they not? They do not wish to array 
themselves against all the Lamartincs and Grirneses 
in the world. It does not stand to reason that men 
are reluctant to leave places where the very life is 
almost badgered out of them by importunate swarms 
of beggars and peddlers who hang in strings to 
one s sleeves and coat-tails and shriek and shout in 
jfiis ears and horrify his vision with the ghastly sores 
and malformations they exhibit. One is glad to get 
away. I have heard shameless people say they were 
glad to get away from Ladies Festivals where they 
were importuned to buy by bevies of lovely young 
ladies. Transform those houris into dusky hags 
and ragged savages, and replace their rounded 
forms with shrunken and knotted distortions, their 
soft hands with scarred and hideous deformities, and 
the persuasive music of their voices with the dis 
cordant din of a hated language, and then see how 
much lingering reluctance to leave could be mustered. 
No, it is the neat thing to say you were reluctant, 

The Innocents Abroad 387 

and then append the profound thoughts that " strug 
gled for utterance" in your brain; but it is the true 
thing to say you were not reluctant, and found it 
impossible to think at all though in good sooth 
it is not respectable to say it, and not poetical, 

We do not think, in the holy places; we think in 
bed, afterward, when the glare, and the noise, and 
the confusion are gone, and in fancy we revisit 
alone the solemn monuments of the past, and 
summon the phantom pageants of an age that has 
passed away. 


WE visited all the holy places about Jerusalem 
which we had left unvisited when we jour 
neyed to the Jordan, and then, about three o clock 
one afternoon, we fell into procession and marched 
out at the stately Damascus gate, and the walls of 
Jerusalem shut us out forever. We paused on the 
summit of a distant hill and took a final look and 
made a final farewell to the venerable city which had 
been such a good home to us. 

For about four hours we traveled down hill con 
stantly. We followed a narrow bridle-path which 
traversed the beds of the mountain gorges, and 
when we could we got out of the way of the long 
trains of laden camels and asses, and when we could 
not we suffered the misery of being mashed up 
against perpendicular walls of rock and having our 
legs bruised by the passing freight. Jack was caught 
two or three times, and Dan and Moult as often. 
One horse had a heavy fall on the slippery rocks, 
and the others had narrow escapes. However, this 
tvas as good a road as we had found in Palestine, 
and possibly even the best, and so there was not 
much grumbling. 

The Innocents Abroad )89 

Sometimes, in the glens, we came upon luxuriant 
orchards of figs, apricots, pomegranates, and such 
things, but oftener the scenery was rugged, moun 
tainous, verdureless, and forbidding. Here and 
there, towers were perched high up on acclivities 
which seemed almost inaccessible. This fashion is 
as old as Palestine itself, and was adopted in ancient 
times for security against enemies. 

We crossed the brook which furnished David the 
stone that killed Goliah, and, no doubt, we looked 
upon the very ground whereon that noted battle was 
fought. We passed by a picturesque old gothic 
ruin whose stone pavements had rung to the armed 
heels of many a valorous Crusader, and we rode 
through a piece of country which we were told once 
knew Samson as a citizen. 

We stayed all night with the good monks at the 
convent of Ramlch, and in the morning got up and 
galloped the horses a good part of the distance from 
there to Jaffa, or Joppa, for the plain was as level as 
a floor and free from stones, and besides this was 
our last march in Holy Land. These two or three 
hours finished, we and the tired horses could have 
rest and sleep as long as we wanted it. This was the 
plain of which Joshua spoke when he said,** Sun, 
stand thou still on Gibeon, and thou moon in the valley 
of Ajalon." As we drew near to Jaffa, the boys 
spurred up the horses and indulged in the excite 
ment of an actual race an experience we had hardly 
had since we raced on donkeys in the Azores islands. 

390 The Innocents Abroad 

We came finally to the noble grove of orange 
trees in which the Oriental city of Jaffa lies buried; 
we passed through the walls, and rode again down 
narrow streets and among swarms of animated rags, 
and saw other sights and had other experiences we 
had long been familiar with. We dismounted, for 
the last time, and out in the offing, riding at anchor, 
we saw the ship ! I put an exclamation point there 
because we felt one when we saw the vessel. The 
long pilgrimage was ended, and somehow we seemed 
to feel glad of it. 

[For description of Jaffa, see Universal Gazet 
teer.] Simon the Tanner formerly lived here. We 
went to his house. All the pilgrims visit Simon the 
Tanner s house. Peter saw the vision of the beasts 
let down in a sheet when he lay upon the roof of 
Simon the Tanner s house. It was from Jaffa that 
Jonah sailed when he was told to go and prophesy 
against Nineveh, and, no doubt, it was not far from 
the town that the whale threw him up when he dis 
covered that he had no ticket. Jonah was dis 
obedient, and of a fault-finding, complaining dispo 
sition, and deserves to be lightly spoken of, almost. 
The timbers used in the construction of Solomon s 
temple were floated to Jaffa in rafts, and the narrow 
opening in the reef through which they passed to 
the shore is not an inch wider or a shade less danger 
ous to navigate than it was then. Such is the sleepy 
nature of the population Palestine s only good sea 
port has now and always had. Jaffa has a history 

The Innocents Abroad 391 

and a stirring one. It will not be discovered any 
where in this book. If the reader will call at the 
circulating library and mention my name, he will be 
furnished with books which will afford him the 
fullest information concerning Jaffa. 

So ends the pilgrimage. We ought to be glad 
that we did not make it for the purpose of feasting 
our eyes upon fascinating aspects of nature, for we 
should have been disappointed at least at this 
season of the year. A writer in " Life in the Holy 
Land " observes: 

" Monotonous and uninviting as much of the Holy Land will appear 
to persons accustomed to the almost constant verdure of flowers, ample 
streams, and varied surface of our own country-, we must remember that 
its aspect to the Israelites after the weary march of forty years through 
the desert must have been very different." 

Which all of us will freely grant. But it truly is 
" monotonous and uninviting," and there is no 
sufficient reason for describing it as being otherwise. 

Of all the lands there are for dismal scenery, I 
think Palestine must be the prince. The hills are 
barren, they are dull of color, they are unpicturesque 
in shape. The valleys are unsightly deserts fringed 
with a feeble vegetation that has an expression about 
it of being sorrowful and despondent. The Dead 
Sea and the Sea of Galilee sleep in the midst of a 
vast stretch of hill and plain wherein the eye rests 
upon no pleasant tint, no striking object, no soft 
picture dreaming in a purple haze or mottled with 
the shadows of the clouds. Every outline is harsh, 
every feature is distinct, there is no perspective^- 

392 The hmocents Abroad 

distance works no enchantment here. It is a hope 
less, dreary, heart-broken land. 

Small shreds and patches of it must be very beau 
tiful in the full flush of spring, however, and all the 
more beautiful by contrast with the far-reaching 
desolation that surrounds them on every side. I 
would like much to see the fringes of the Jordan in 
spring time, and Shechem, Esdraelon, Ajalon, and 
the borders of Galilee but even then these spots 
would seem mere toy gardens set at wide intervals 
in the waste of a limitless desolation. 
h Palestine sits in sackcloth and ashes. Over it 
broods the spell of a curse that has withered its fields 
and fettered its energies. Where Sodom and Gomor 
rah reared their domes and towers, that solemn sea 
now floods the plain, in whose bitter waters no 
living thing exists over whose waveless surface the 
blistering air hangs motionless and dead about 
whose borders nothing grows but weeds, and scat 
tering tufts of cane, and that treacherous fruit that 
promises refreshment to parching lips, but turns to 
ashes at the touch. Nazareth is forlorn; about that 
ford of Jordan where the hosts of Israel entered the 
Promised Land with songs of rejoicing, one finds 
only a squalid camp of fantastic Bedouins of the 
desert; Jericho the accursed lies a moldering ruin 
to-day, even as Joshua s miracle left it more than 
three thousand years ago ; Bethlehem and Bethany, 
in their poverty and their humiliation, have nothing 
about them now to remind one that they once knew 

The Innocents Abroad 393 

the high honor of the Saviour s presence ; the hal 
lowed spot where the shepherds watched their flocks 
by night, and where the angels sang Peace on earth, 
good will to men, is untenanted by any living crea 
ture, and unblessed by any feature that is pleasant 
to the eye. Renowned Jerusalem itself, the stateliest 
name in history, has lost all its ancient grandeur, 
and is become a pauper village ; the riches of Solo 
mon are no longer there to compel the admiration 
of visiting Oriental queens; the wonderful temple 
which was the pride and the glory of Israel is gone, 
and the Ottoman crescent is lifted above the spot 
where, on that most memorable day in the annals of 
the world, they reared the Holy Cross. The noted 
Sea of Galilee, where Roman fleets once rode at 
anchor and the disciples of the Saviour sailed in 
their ships, was long ago deserted by the devotees 
of war and commerce, and its borders are a silent 
wilderness ; Capernaum is a shapeless ruin ; Magdala 
is the home of beggared Arabs; Bethsaida and 
Chorazin have vanished from the earth, and the 
* desert places " round about them where thousands 
of men once listened to the Saviour s voice and ate the 
miraculous bread sleep in the hush of a solitude that 
is inhabited only by birds of prey and skulking foxes. 

Palestine is desolate and unlovely. And why 
should it be otherwise? Can the curse of the Deity 
beautify a land ? 

Palestine is no more of this work-day world. It 
is sacred to poetry and tradition it is dream-land. 


IT was worth a kingdom to be at sea again. It 
was a relief to drop all anxiety whatsoever all 
questions as to where we should go ; how long we 
should stay ; whether it were worth while to go or 
not ; all anxieties about the condition of the horses ; 
all such question as " Shall we ever get to water?" 
14 Shall we ever lunch?" " Ferguson, how many 
more million miles have we got to creep under this 
awful sun before we camp?" It was a relief to cast 
all these torturing little anxieties far away ropes 
of steel they were, and every one with a separate 
and distinct strain on it and feel the temporary 
contentment that is born of the banishment of all 
care and responsibility. We did not look at the 
compass; we did not care, now, where the ship 
went to, so that she went out of sight of land as 
quickly as possible. When I travel again, I wish to 
go in a pleasure ship. No amount of money could 
have purchased for us, in a strange vessel and among 
unfamiliar faces, the perfect satisfaction and the 
sense of being at home again which we experienced 
when we stepped on board the Quaker City, our 


The Innocents Abroad 395 

own skip after this wearisome pilgrimage. It is a 
something we have felt always when we returned to 
her, and a something we had no desire to sell. 

We took off our blue woolen shirts, our spurs 
and heavy boots, our sanguinary revolvers and our 
buckskin-seated pantaloons, and got shaved, and 
came out in Christian costume once more. All but 
Jack, who changed all other articles of his dress, but 
clung to his traveling pantaloons. They still pre 
served their ample buckskin seat intact ; and so his 
short pea-jacket and his long, thin legs assisted to 
make him a picturesque object whenever he stood 
on the forecastle looking abroad upon the ocean 
over the bows. At such times his father s last 
injunction suggested itself to me. He said : 

"Jack, my boy, you are about to go among a 
brilltent company of gentlemen and ladies, who are 
refined and cultivated, and thoroughly accomplished 
in the manners and customs of good society. Listen 
to their conversation, study their habits of life, and 
learn. Be polite and obliging to all, and considerate 
towards every one s opinions, failings, and preju 
dices. Command the just respect of all your fellow- 
voyagers, even though you fail to win their friendly 
regard. And Jack don t you ever dare, while 
you live, appear in public on those decks in fair 
weather, in a costume unbecoming your mother s 
drawing-room !" 

It would have been worth any price if the father 
of this hopeful youth could have stepped on board 

396 The Innocents ADroad 

some time, and seen him standing high on the fore 
castle, pea-jacket, tasseled red fez, buckskin patch 
and an, placidly contemplating the ocean a rare 
spectacle for anybody s drawing-room. 

After a pleasant voyage and a good rest, we drew 
near to Egypt, and out of the mellowest of sunsets 
we saw the domes and minarets of Alexandria rise 
into view. As soon as the anchor was down, Jack 
and I got a boat and went ashore. It was night by 
this time, and the other passengers were content to 
remain at home and visit ancient Egypt after break 
fast. It was the way they did at Constantinople. 
They took a lively interest in new countries, but 
their schoolboy impatience had worn off, and they 
had learned that it was wisdom to take things easy 
and go along comfortably these old countries do 
not go away in the night; they stay till after break 

When we reached the pier we found an army of 
Egyptian boys with donkeys no larger than them 
selves, waiting for passengers for donkeys are the 
omnibuses of Egypt. We preferred to walk, but 
we could not have our own way. The boys 
crowded about us, clamored around us, and slewed 
their donkeys exactly across our path, no matter 
which way we turned. They were good-natured 
rascals, and so were the donkeys. We mounted, 
and the boys ran behind us and kept the donkeys in 
a furious gallop, as is the fashion at Damascus. I 
believe I would rather ride a donkey than any beast 

The Innocents Abroad 397 

fn the world. He goes briskly, he puts on no airs, 
he is docile, though opinionated. Satan himself 
could not scare him, and he is convenient very 
convenient. When you are tired riding you can 
rest your feet on the ground and let him gallop from 
under you. 

We found the hotel and secured rooms, and were 
happy to know that the Prince of Wales had stopped 
there once. They had it everywhere on signs. No 
other princes had stopped there since, till Jack and 
I came. We went abroad through the town, then, 
and found it a city of huge commercial buildings, 
and broad, handsome streets brilliant with gaslight. 
By night it was a sort of reminiscence of Paris. 
But finally Jack found an ice-cream saloon, and that 
closed investigations for that evening. The weather 
was very hot, it had been many a day since Jack 
had seen ice-cream, and so it was useless to talk of 
leaving the saloon till it shut up. 

In the morning the lost tribes of America came 
ashore and infested the hotels and took possession 
of all the donkeys and other open barouches that 
offered. They went in picturesque procession to 
the American Consul s; to the great gardens; to 
Cleopatra s Needles; to Pompey s Pillar; to the 
palace of the Viceroy of Egypt ; to the Nile ; to the 
superb groves of date-palms. One of our most 
inveterate relic-hunters had his hammer with him, 
and tried to break a fragment off the upright Needle 
and could not do it; he tried the prostrate one 

398 The Innocents Abroad 

and failed ; he borrowed a heavy sledge-hammer 
from a mason and failed again. He tried Pompey s 
Pillar, and this baffled him. Scattered all about the 
mighty monolith were sphinxes of noble counte 
nance, carved out of Egyptian granite as hard as 
blue steel, and whose shapely features the wear of 
five thousand years had failed to mark or mar. The 
relic-hunter battered at these persistently, and 
sweated profusely over his work. He might as well 
have attempted to deface the moon. They regarded 
him serenely with the stately smile they had worn 
so long, and which seemed to say, " Peck away, 
poor insect ; we were not made to fear such as you ; 
in tenscore dragging ages we have seen more of 
your kind than there are sands at your feet; have 
they left a blemish upon us?" 

But I am forgetting the Jaffa Colonists. At Jaffa 
we had taken on board some forty members of a 
very celebrated community. They were male and 
female; babies, young boys and young girls; young 
married people, and some who had passed a shade 
beyond the prime of life. I refer to the " Adams 
Jaffa Colony." Others had deserted before. We 
left in Jaffa Mr. Adams, his wife, and fifteen unfor 
tunates who not only had no money but did not 
know where to turn or whither to go. Such was 
the statement made to us. Our forty were miserable 
enough in the first place, and they lay about the 
decks seasick all the voyage, which about completed 
their misery, I take it. However, one or two young 

The Innocents Abroad 399 

men remained upright, and by constant persecution 
we wormed out of them some little information. 
They gave it reluctantly and in a very fragmentary 
condition, for, having been shamefully humbugged 
by their prophet, they felt humiliated and unhappy. 
In such circumstances people do not like to talk. 

The colony was a complete fiasco. I have already 
said that such as could get away did so, from time 
to time. The prophet Adams once an actor, 
then several other things, afterward a Mormon and 
a missionary, always aji adventurer remains at 
Jaffa with his handful of sorrowful subjects. The 
forty we brought av/ay with us were chiefly destitute, 
though not all of them. They wished to get to 
Egypt. What might become of them then they did 
not know and probably did not care anything to 
get away from hated Jaffa. They had little to hope 
for ; because after many appeals to the sympathies 
of New England, made by strangers of Boston, 
through the newspapers, and after the establishment 
of an office there for the reception of moneyed con 
tributions for the Jaffa colonists, one dollar was 
subscribed. The consul-general for Egypt showed 
me the newspaper paragraph which mentioned the 
circumstance, and mentioned also the discontinuance 
of the effort and the closing of the office. It was 
evident that practical New England was not sorry to 
be rid of such visionaries and was not in the least 
inclined to hire anybody to bring them back to her. 

1 Still, to get to Egypt was something, in the eyes of 
6 * 

400 The Innocents Abroad 

the unfortunate colonists, hopeless as the prospect 
seemed of ever getting further. 

Thus circumstanced, they landed at Alexandria 
from our ship. One of our passengers, Mr. Moses 
S. Beach, of the New York Sun, inquired of the 
consul-general what it would cost to send these 
people to their home in Maine by the way of Liver 
pool, and he said fifteen hundred dollars in gold 
would do it. Mr. Beach gave his check for the 
money, and so the troubles of the Jaffa colonists 
were at an end.* 

Alexandria was too much like a European city to 
be novel, and we soon tired of it. We took the cars 
and came up here to ancient Cairo, which is an 
Oriental city and of the completest pattern. There 
is little about it to disabuse one s mind of the error 
if he should take it into his head that he was in the 
heart of Arabia. Stately camels and dromedaries, 
swarthy Egyptians, and likewise Turks and black 
Ethiopians, turbaned, sashed, and blazing in a rich 
variety of Oriental costumes of all shades of flashy 
colors, are what one sees on every hand crowding 
the narrow streets and the honeycombed bazaars. 
We are stopping at Shepherd s Hotel, which is the 
worst on earth except the one I stopped at once in 

It was an unselfish act of benevolence; it was done without any 
ostentation, and has never been mentioned in any newspaper, I think. 
Therefore it is refreshing to learn now, several months after the atwve 
narrative was written, that another man received all the credit of this 
fescue of the colonists. Such is life. 

The Innocents Abroad 401 

a small town in the United States. It is pleasant to 
read this sketch in my note-book, now, and know 
that I can stand Shepherd s Hotel, sure, because I 
have been in one just like it in America and 
survived : 

I stopped at the Benton House. It used to be a good hotel, but 
that proves nothing I used to be a good boy, for that matter. Both 
of us have lost character of late years. The Benton is not a good 

The Benton lacks a very great deal of being a good hotel. Perdition 
is full of better hotels than the Benton. 

It was late at night when I got there, and I told the detk I would 
like plenty of lights, because I wanted to read an hour or two. When 
I reached No. 15 with the porter (we came along a dim hall that was 
clad in ancient carpeting, faded, worn out in many places, and patched 
with old scraps of oil cloth a hall that sank under one s feet, and 
creaked dismally to every footstep) he struck a light two inches of 
sallow, sorrowful, consumptive tallow candle, that burned blue, and 
scattered, and got discouraged and went out. The porter lit it again, 
and I asked if thai was all the light the clerk sent. He said, " Oh no, 
I ve got another one here," and he produced another couple of inches 
of tallow candle. I said, " Light them both I ll have to have one to 
see the other by." He did it, but the result was drearier than darkness 
itself. He was a cheery, accommodating rascal. He said he would 
go somewhere*" and steal a lamp. I abetted and encouraged him in 
his criminal design. I heard the landlord get after him in the ball ten 
minutes afterward. 

Where are you going with that lamp?" 

" Fifteen wants it, sir." 

" Fifteen! why he s got a double lot of candles does the man 
want to illuminate the house? does he want to gel up a torchlight 
procession? what is he up to, any how?" 

" He don t like them candies says he wants a lamp." 

"Why, what in the nation does why I never heard of such i 
thing? What on earth can he want with that lamp? " 

" Well, he only wants to read that s what be says." 

* Wants to read, does he? ain t satisfied with a thousand candles, 

402 The Innocents Abroad 

but has to have a lamp ! I do wonder what the devil that fellow want* 
that lamp for? Take him another candle, and then if " 

" But he wants the lamp says he ll burn the d d old house down 
if he don t get a lamp ! " [A remark which I never made.] 

" I d like to see him at it once. Well, you take it along but I 
swear it beats my time, though and see if you can t find out what in 
the very nation he wants with that lamp." 

And he went off growling to himself and still wondering and wonder- 
ing over the unaccountable conduct of No. 15. The lamp was a good 
one, but it revealed some disagreeable things a bed in the suburbs of 
a desert of room a bed that had hills and valleys in it, and you d have 
to accommodate your body to the impression left in it by the man that 
slept there last, before you could lie comfortably; a carpet that had seen 
better days; a melancholy washstand in a remote corner, and a dejected 
pitcher on it sorrowing over a broken nose; a looking-glass split across 
the center, which chopped your head off at the chin and made you look 
like some dreadful unfinished monster or other; the paper peeling in 
shreds from the walls. 

I sighed and said: "This is charming; and now don t you think 
you could get me something to read? " 

The porter said, "Oh, certainly; the old man s got dead loads of 
books; " and he was gone before I could tell him what sort of literature 
I would rather have. And yet his countenance expressed the utmost 
confidence in his ability to execute the commission with credit to himself. 
The old man made a descent on him. 

What are you going to do with that pile of books?" 
Fifteen wants em, sir." 

"Fifteen, is it? He ll want a warming-pan, next he ll want a 
nurse ! Take him everything there is in the house take him the bar- 
kecpcr _take him the bagg age -w agon take him a chambermaid! 
Confound me, I never saw anything like it. What did he say he want 
with those books?" 

" Wants to read em, like enough; it ain t likely he wants to eat em, 

I don t reckon." 

" Wants to read em wants to read em this time of night, th 
fernal lunatic ! Well he can t have them." 

" But he says he s mor ly bound to have em: he says he ll just go 
a-rairin and a-chargin through this house and raise more well, there s 
no teliin what he won t do if he don t get em; because he s drunk and 

The Innocents Abroad 40) 

crazy and desperate, and nothing ll soothe him down but them cussed 
books." [I had not made any threats and was not in the condition 
ascribed to me by the porter.] 

" Well, go on; but I will be around when he goes to railing and 
charging, and the first rair he makes I ll make him rair out of the win* 
dow. 11 And then the old gentleman went off growling as before. 

The genius of that porter was something wonderful. He put an 
armful of books on the bed and said " Good night " as confidently as if 
he knew perfectly well that those books were exactly my style of reading 
matter. And well he might. His selection covered the whole range of 
legitimate literature. It comprised "The Great Consummation," by 
Rev. Dr. Cummings theology; " Revised Statutes of the State of 
Missouri" law; " The Complete Horse-Doctor " medicine; "The 
Toilers of the Sea," by Victor Hugo romance; "The works of Wil 
liam Shakspeare " poetry. I shall never cease to admire the tact and 
the intelligence of that gifted porter. 

But all the donkeys in Christendom, and most of 
the Egyptian boys, I think, are at the door, and 
there is some noise going on, not to put it in 
stronger language. We are about starting to the 
illustrious Pyramids of Egypt, and the donkeys for 
the voyage are under inspection. I will go and 
select one before the choice animals are all taken. 


donkeys were all good, all handsome, all 
1 strong and in good condition, all fast and all 
willing to prove it. They were the best we had 
found anywhere, and the most recherche. I do not 
know what recherche is, but that is what these 
donkeys were, anyhow. Some were of a soft mouse- 
color, and the others were white, black, and vari 
colored. Some were close-shaven, all over, except 
that a tuft like a paint-brush was left on the end of 
the tail. Others were so shaven in fanciful land 
scape garden patterns, as to mark their bodies with 
curving lines, which were bounded on one side by 
hair and on the other by the close plush left by the 
shears. They had all been newly barbered, and 
were exceedingly stylish. Several of the white ones 
were barred like zebras with rainbow stripes of blue 
and red and yellow paint. These were indescribably 
gorgeous. Dan and Jack selected from this lot be 
cause they brought back Italian reminiscences of the 
old masters." The saddles were the high, stuffy, 
frog-shaped things we had known in Ephesus and 
Smyrna. The donkey-boys were lively young, 


The Innocents Abroad 405 

Egyptian rascals who could follow a donkey and 
keep him in a canter half a day without tiring. We 
had plenty of spectators when we mounted, for the 
hotel was full of English people bound overland to 
India and officers getting ready for the African 
campaign against the Abyssinian King Theodorus. 
We were not a very large party, but as we charged 
through the streets of the great metropolis, we made 
noise for five hundred, and displayed activity and 
created excitement in proportion. Nobody can steer 
a donkey, and some collided with camels, dervishes, 
effendis, asses, beggars, and everything else that 
offered to the donkeys a reasonable chance for a 
collision. When we turned into the broad avenue 
that leads out of the city toward Old Cairo, there 
was plenty of room. The walls of stately date- 
palms that fenced the gardens and bordered the 
way, threw their shadows down and made the air 
cool and bracing. We rose to the spirit of the time 
and the race became a wild rout, a stampede, a 
terrific panic. I wish to live to enjoy it again. 

Somewhere along this route we had a few startling 
exhibitions of Oriental simplicity. A girl apparently 
thirteen years of age came along the great thorough 
fare dressed like Eve before the fall. We would 
have called her thirteen at home ; but here girls who 
look thirteen are often not more than nine, in reality. 

Occasionally we saw stark-naked men of superb 
build, bathing, and making no attempt at conceal 
ment. However, an hour s acquaintance with this 

406 The Innocents Abroad 

cheerful custom reconciled the pilgrims to it, and 
then it ceased to occasion remark. Thus easily do 
even the most startling novelties grow tame and 
spiritless to these sight-surfeited wanderers. 

Arrived at Old Cairo, the camp-followers took up 
the donkeys and tumbled them bodily aboard a small 
boat with a lateen sail, and we followed and got 
under way. The deck was closely packed with 
donkeys and men ; the two sailors had to climb over 
and under and through the wedged mass to work the 
sails, and the steersman had to crowd four or five 
donkeys out of the way when he wished to swing his 
tiller and put his helm hard down. But what were 
their troubles to us? We had nothing to do; noth 
ing to do but enjoy the trip; nothing to do but 
shove the donkeys off our corns and look at the 
charming scenery of the Nile. 

On the island at our right was the machine they 
call the Nilometer, a stone column whose business it 
is to mark the rise of the river and prophesy whether 
it will reach only thirty-two feet and produce a 
famine, or whether it will properly flood the land at 
forty and produce plenty, or whether it will rise to 
forty-three and bring death and destruction to flocks 
and crops but how it does all this they could not 
explain to us so that we could understand. On the 
same island is still shown the spot where Pharaoh s 
daughter found Moses in the bulrushes. Near the 
tpot we sailed from, the Holy Family dwelt when 
they sojourned in Egypt till Herod should complete 

The Innocents Abroad 407 

his slaughter of the innocents. The same tree they 
rested under when they first arrived was there a 
short time ago, but the Viceroy of Egypt sent it to 
the Empress Eugenie lately. He was just in time, 
otherwise our pilgrims would have had it. 

The Nile at this point is muddy, swift, and turbid, 
and does not lack a great deal of being as wide as the 

We scrambled up the steep bank at the shabby 
town of Ghizeh, mounted the donkeys again, and 
scampered away. For four or five miles the route 
lay along a high embankment which they say is to 
be the bed of a railway the Sultan means to build for 
no other reason than that when the Empress of the 
French comes to visit him she can go to the Pyra 
mids in comfort. This is true Oriental hospitality. 
I am very glad it is our privilege to have donkeys 
instead of cars. 

At the distance of a few miles the Pyramids, rising 
above the palms, looked very clean-cut, very grand 
and imposing, and very soft and filmy, as well. 
They swam in a rich haze that took from them all 
suggestions of unfeeling stone, and made them seem 
only the airy nothings of a dream structures which 
might blossom into tiers of vague arches, or ornate 
colonnades, maybe, and change and change again 
into all graceful forms of architecture while we 
looked, and then melt dcliciously away and blend 
with the tremulous atmosphere. 

At the end of the levee we left the mules and went 

408 The Innocents Abroad 

in a sailboat across an arm of the Nile or an over 
flow, and landed where the sands of the Great Sahara 
left their embankment, as straight as a wall, along 
the verge of the alluvial plain of the river. A labo 
rious walk in the flaming sun brought us to the foot 
of the great Pyramid of Cheops. It was a fairy 
vision no longer. It was a corrugated, unsightly 
mountain of stone. Each of its monstrous sides 
was a wide stairway which rose upward, step above 
step, narrowing as it went, till it tapered to a point 
far aloft in the air. Insect men and women pil 
grims from the Quaker City were creeping about 
its dizzy perches, and one little black swarm were 
waving postage stamps from the airy summit hand 
kerchiefs will be understood. 

Of course we were besieged by a rabble of muscu 
lar Egyptians and Arabs who wanted the contract of 
dragging us to the top all tourists are. Of course 
you could not hear your own voice for the din that 
was around you. Of course the Sheiks said they 
were the only responsible parties ; that all contracts 
must be made with them, all moneys paid over to 
them, and none exacted from us by any but them 
selves alone. Of course they contracted that the 
varlets who dragged us up should not mention buck- 
sheesh once. For such is the usual routine. Of 
course we contracted with them, paid them, were de 
livered into the hands of the draggers, dragged up 
the Pyramids, and harried and bedeviled for buck- 
sheesh from the foundation clear to the summit. 

The Innocents Afcroad 409 

We paid it, too, for we were purposely spread very 
far apart over the vast side of the Pyramid. There 
was no help near if we called, and the Herculeses 
who dragged us had a way of asking sweetly and 
flatteringly for buckshcesh, which was seductive, and 
of looking fierce and threatening to throw us down 
the precipice, which was persuasive and convincing. 
Each step being full as high as a dinner table; 
there being very, very many of the steps; an Arab 
having hold of each of our arms and springing up 
ward from step to step and snatching us with them, 
forcing us to lift our feet as high as our breasts every 
time, and do it rapidly and keep it up till we were 
ready to faint, who shall say it is not lively, exhila 
rating, lacerating, muscle-straining, bone-wrenching, 
and perfectly excruciating and exhausting pastime, 
climbing the Pyramids? I beseeched the varlets not 
to twist all my joints asunder; I iterated, reiterated, 
even swore to them that I did not wish to beat any 
body to the top; did all I could to convince them 
that if I got there the last of all I would feel blessed 
above men and grateful to them forever ; I begged 
them, prayed them, pleaded with them to let me 
stop and rest a moment only one little moment; 
and they only answered with some more frightful 
springs, and an unenlisted volunteer behind opened 
a bombardment of determined boosts with his head 
which threatened to batter my whole political econ 
omy to wreck and ruin. 

Twice, for one minute, they let me rest while they 

41C The Innocents Abroad 

extorted bucksheesh, and then continued their maniac 
flight up the Pyramid. They wished to beat the 
other parties. It was nothing to them that I, a 
stranger, must be sacrificed upon the altar of their 
unholy ambition. But in the midst of sorrow joy 
blooms. Even in this dark hour I had a sweet con 
solation. For I knew that except these Mohamme 
dans repented they would go straight to perdition 
some day. And they never repent they never for 
sake their paganism. This thought calmed me, cheered 
me, and I sank down, limp and exhausted, upon the 
summit, but happy, so happy and serene within. 

On the one hand, a mighty sea of yellow sand 
stretched away towards the ends of the earth, solemn, 
silent, shorn of vegetation, its solitude uncheered by 
any forms of creature life; on the other, the Eden 
of Egypt was spread below us a broad green floor, 
cloven by the sinuous river, dotted with villages, its 
vast distances measured and marked by the diminish 
ing stature of receding clusters of palms. It lay 
asleep in an enchanted atmosphere. There was no 
sound, no motion. Above the date-plumes in the 
middle distance, swelled a domed and pinnacled 
mass, glimmering through a tinted, exquisite mist; 
away toward the horizon a dozen shapely pyramids 
watched over ruined Memphis; and at our feet the 
bland impassible Sphinx looked out upon the picture 
from her throne in the sands as placidly and pen 
sively as she had looked upon its like full fifty lag 
ging centuries ago. 

The Innocents Abroad 411 

We suffered torture no pen can describe from the 
hungry appeals for bucksheesh that gleamed from 
Arab eyes and poured incessantly from Arab lips. 
Why try to call up the traditions of vanished 
Egyptian grandeur ; why try to fancy Egypt follow 
ing dead Rameses to his tomb in the Pyramid, or the 
long multitude of Israel departing over the desert 
yonder? Why try to think at all? The thing was 
impossible. One must bring his meditations cut and 
dried, or else cut and dry them afterward. 

The traditional Arab proposed, in the traditional 
way, to run down Cheops, cross the eighth of a mile 
of sand intervening between it and the tall pyramid 
of Cephren, ascend to Cephren s summit and return 
to us on the top of Cheops all in nine minutes by 
the watch, and the whole service to be rendered for 
a single dollar. In the first flush of irritation, I said 
let the Arab and his exploits go to the mischief. 
But stay. The upper third of Cephren was coated 
with dressed marble, smooth as glass. A blessed 
thought entered my brain. He must infallibly break 
his neck. Close the contract with dispatch, I said, 
and let him go. Ke started. We watched. He 
went bounding down the vast broadside, spring after 
spring, like an ibex. He grew small and smaller till 
he became a bobbing pigmy, away down toward the 
bottom then disappeared. We turned and peered 
over the other side forty seconds eighty seconds 
a hundred happiness, he is dead already? two 
minutes and a quarter * There he goes I Too 

412 The Innocents Abroad 

true it was too true. He was very small, now. 
Gradually, but surely, he overcame the level ground. 
He began to spring and climb again. Up, up, up 
at last he reached the smooth coating now for 
it. But he clung to it with toes and fingers, like a 
fly. He crawled this way and that away to the 
right, slanting upward away to the left, still slant 
ing upward and stood at last, a black peg on the 
summit, and waved his pigmy scarf ! Then he crept 
downward to the raw steps again, then picked up his 
agile heels and flew. We lost him presently. But 
presently again we saw him under us, mounting with 
undiminished energy. Shortly he bounded kito our 
midst with a gallant war-whoop. Time, eight min 
utes, forty-one seconds. He had won. His bones 
were intact. It was a failure. I reflected. I said 
to myself, he is tired, and must grow dizzy. I will 
risk another dollar on him. 

He started again. Made the trip again. Slipped 
on the smooth coating I almost had him. But an 
infamous crevice saved him. He was with us once 
more perfectly sound. Time, eight minutes, 
forty-six seconds. 

I said to Dan, " Lend me a dollar I can beat 
this game, yet." 

Worse and worse. He won again. Time, eight 
minutes, forty-eight seconds. I was out of all 
patience, now. I was desperate. Money was no 
longer of any consequence. I said, * Sirrah, I will 
give you a hundred dollars to jump off this pyramid 

The Innocents Abroad 413 

head first. If you do not like the terms, name your 
bet. J scorn to stand on expenses now. 1 will stay 
right here and risk money on you as long as Dan 
has got a cent." 

I was in a fair way to win, now, for it was a dazzling 
opportunity for an Arab. He pondered a moment, 
and would have done it, I think, but his mother 
arrived, then, and interfered. Her tears moved me 
I never can look upon the tears of woman with 
indifference and I said I would give her a hundred 
to jump off, too. 

But it was a failure. The Arabs are too high- 
priced in Egypt. They put on airs unbecoming to 
such savages. 

We descended, hot and out of humor. The 
dragoman lit candles, and we all entered a hole 
near the base of the pyramid, attended by a crazy 
rabble of Arabs who thrust their services upon us 
uninvited. They dragged us up a long inclined 
chute, and dripped candle-grease all over us. This 
chute was not more than twice as wide and high as a 
Saratoga trunk, and was walled, roofed, and floored 
with solid blocks of Egyptian granite as wide as a 
wardrobe, twice as thick, and three times as long. 
We kept on climbing, through the oppressive gloom, 
till I thought we ought to be nearing the top of the 
pyramid again, and then came to the " Queen s 
Chamber," and shortly to the Chamber of the King. 
These large apartments were tombs. The walls were 
built of monstrous masses of smoothed granite, 

414 The Innocents Abroad 

neatly joined together. Some of them were nearly 
as large square as an ordinary parlor. A great stone 
sarcophagus like a bathtub stood in the center of the 
King s Chamber. Around it were gathered a pic 
turesque group of Arab savages and soiled and tat 
tered pilgrims, who held their candles aloft in the 
gloom while they chattered, and the winking blurs of 
light shed a dim glory down upon one of the irre 
pressible memento-seekers who was pecking at the 
venerable sarcophagus with his sacrilegious hammer. 
We struggled out to the open air and the bright sun 
shine, and for the space of thirty minutes received 
ragged Arabs by couples, dozens, and platoons, and 
paid them bucksheesh for services they swore and 
proved by each other that they had rendered, but 
which we had not been aware oi before and as 
each party was paid, they dropped into the rear 
of the procession and in due time arrived again 
with a newly-invented delinquent list for liquida 

We lunched in the shade of the pyramid, and in 
the midst of this encroaching and unwelcome com 
pany, and then Dan and Jack and I started away for 
a walk. A howling swarm of beggars followed us 
surrounded us almost headed us off. A sheik, in 
flowing white bournous and gaudy headgear, was 
with them. He wanted more bucksheesh. But we 
had adopted a new code it was millions for de 
fense, but not a cent for bucksheesh. I asked him 
if he could persuade the others to depart if we paid 

The Innocents Abroad 415 

him. He said yes for ten francs. We accepted 
the contract, and said 

" Now persuade your vassals to fall back." 
He swung his long staff round his head and three 
Arabs bit the dust. He capered among the mob 
like a very maniac. His blows fell like hail, and 
wherever one fell a subject went down. We had to 
hurry to the rescue and tell him it was only necessary 
to damage them a little, he need not kill them. In 
two minutes we were alone with the sheik, and re 
mained so. The persuasive powers of this illiterate 
savage were remarkable. 

Each side of the Pyramid of Cheops is about as 
long as the Capitol at Washington, or the Sultan s 
new palace on the Bosporus, and is longer than the 
greatest depth of St. Peter s at Rome which is to 
say that each side of Cheops extends seven hundred 
and some odd feet. It is about seventy-five feet 
higher than the cross on St. Peter s. The first time 
I ever went down the Mississippi, I thought the 
highest bluff on the river between St. Louis and New 
Orleans it was near Selma, Missouri was proba 
bly the highest mountain in the world. It is four 
hundred and thirteen feet high. It still looms in 
my memory with undiminished grandeur. I car. 
still see the trees and bushes growing smaller and 
smaller as I followed them up its huge slant with my 
eye, till they became a feathery fringe on the distant 
summit. This symmetrical Pyramid of Cheops 
this solid mountain of stone reared by the patient 

416 The Innocents Abroad 

hands of men this mighty tomb of a forgotten 
monarch dwarfs my cherished mountain. For it 
is four hundred and eighty feet high. In still earlier 
years than those I have been recalling, Holliday s 
Hill, in our town, was to me the noblest work of 
God. It appeared to pierce the skies. It was 
nearly three hundred feet high. In those days I 
pondered the subject much, but I never could un 
derstand why it did not swathe its summit with never- 
failing clouds, and crown its majestic brow with ever 
lasting snows. I had heard that such was the custom 
of great mountains in other parts of the world. I re 
membered how I worked with another boy, at odd 
afternoons stolen from study and paid for with 
stripes, to undermine and start from its bed an im 
mense boulder that rested upon the edge of that hill 
top; I remembered how, one Saturday afternoon, we 
gave three hours of honest effort to the task, and saw 
at last that our reward was at hand ; I remembered 
how we sat down, then, and wiped the perspiration 
away, and waited to let a picnic party get out of the 
way in the road below and then we started the 
boulder. It was splendid. It went crashing down 
the hillside, tearing up saplings, mowing bushes 
down like grass, ripping and crushing and smashing 
everything in its path eternally splintered and scat 
tered a woodpile at the foot of the hill, and then 
sprang from the high bank clear over a dray in the 
roa d the negro glanced up once and dodged 
and the next second it made infinitesimal mincemeat 

The Innocents Abroad 417 

of a frame cooper-shop, and the coopers swarmed 
out like bees. Then we said it was perfectly mag 
nificent, and left. Because the coopers were start 
ing up the hill to inquire. 

Still, that mountain, prodigious as it was, was noth 
ing to the Pyramid of Cheops. I could conjure up 
no comparison that would convey to my mind a sat 
isfactory comprehension of the magnitude of a pile 
of monstrous stones that covered thirteen acres of 
ground and stretched upward four hundred and 
eighty tiresome feet, and so I gave it up and walked 
down to the Sphinx. 

After years of waiting, it was before me at last. 
The great face was so sad, so earnest, so longing, so 
patient. There was a dignity not of earth in its 
mien, and in its countenance a benignity such as 
never anything human wore. It was stone, but it 
seemed sentient. If ever image of stone thought, 
it was thinking. It was looking toward the verge of 
the landscape, yet looking at nothing nothing but 
distance and vacancy. It was looking over and be 
yond everything of the present, and far into the past. 
It was gazing out over the ocean of Time over 
lines of century-waves which, further and further 
receding, closed nearer and nearer together, and 
blended at last into one unbroken tide, away toward 
the horizon of remote antiquity. It was thinking of 
the wars of departed ages; of the empires it had 
seen created and destroyed ; of the nations whosf 
birth it had witnessed, whose progress it had 

418 The Innocents Abroad 

watched, whose annihilation it had noted ; of the joy 
and sorrow, the life and death, the grandeur and de 
cay, of five thousand slow revolving years. It was 
the type of an attribute of man of a faculty of his 
heart and brain. It was MEMORY RETROSPEC 
TION wrought into visible, tangible form. All 
who know what pathos there is in memories of days 
that are accomplished and faces that have vanished 
albeit only a trifling score of years gone by will 
have some appreciation of the pathos that dwells in 
these grave eyes that look so steadfastly back upon 
the things they knew before History was born be 
fore Tradition had being things that were, and 
forms that moved, in a vague era which even Poetry 
and Romance scarce know of and passed one by 
one away and left the stony dreamer solitary in the 
midst of a strange new age, and uncomprehended 

The Sphinx is grand in its loneliness ; it is impos 
ing in its magnitude ; it is impressive in the mystery 
that hangs over its story. And there is that in the 
overshadowing majesty of this eternal figure of stone, 
with its accusing memory of the deeds of all ages, 
which reveals to one something of what he shall feel 
when he shall stand at last in the awful presence of 

There are some things which, for the credit of 
America, should be left unsaid, perhaps; but these 
very things happen sometimes to be the very things 
which, for the real benefit of Americans, ought to 

The Innocents Abroad 419 

have prominent notice. While we stood looking, a 
wart, or an excrescence of some kind, appeared on 
the jaw of the Sphinx. We heard the familiar clink 
of a hammer, and understood the case at once. One 
of our well-meaning reptiles I mean relic-hunters 
had crawled up there and was trying to break a 
** specimen " from the face of this the most majestic 
creation the hand of man has wrought. But the great 
image contemplated the dead ages as calmly as ever, 
unconscious of the small insect that was fretting at its 
jaw. Egyptian granite that has defied the storms 
and earthquakes of all time has nothing to fear from 
the tack hammers of ignorant excursionists high 
waymen like this specimen. He failed in his enter 
prise. We sent a sheik to arrest him if he had the 
authority, or to warn him, if he had not, that by the 
laws of Egypt the crime he was attempting to commit 
was punishable with imprisonment or the bastinado. 
Then he desisted and went away. 

The Sphinx: a hundred and twenty-five feet long, 
sixty feet high, and a hundred and two feet around 
the head, if I remember rightly carved out of one 
solid block of stone harder than any iron. The 
block must have been as large as the Fifth Avenue 
Hotel before the usual waste (by the necessities of 
sculpture) of a fourth or a half of the original mass 
was begun. I only set down these figures and these 
remarks to suggest the prodigious labor the carving 
of it so elegantly, so symmetrically, so faultlessly, 
must have cost. This species of stone is so hard 

420 The Innocents Abroad 

that figures cut in it remain sharp and unmarred 
after exposure to the weather for two or three thou 
sand years. Now did it take a hundred years of 
patient toil to carve the Sphinx? It seems probable. 
Something interfered, and we did not visit the 
Red Sea and walk upon the sands of Arabia. I 
shall not describe the great mosque of Mehemet Ali, 
whose entire inner walls are built of polished and 
glistening alabaster; I shall not tell how the little 
birds have built their nests in the globes of the great 
chandeliers that hang in the mosque, and how they 
fill the whole place with their music and are not 
afraid of anybody because their audacity is par 
doned, their rights are respected, and nobody is 
allowed to interfere with them, even though the 
mosque be thus doomed to go unlighted ; I certainly 
shall not tell the hackneyed story of the massacre of 
the Mamelukes, because I am glad the lawless rascals 
were massacred, and I do not wish to get up any 
sympathy in their behalf; I shall not tell how that 
one solitary Mameluke jumped his horse a hundred 
feet down from the battlements of the citadel and 
escaped, because I do not think much of that I 
could have done it myself; I shall not tell of 
Joseph s well which he dug in the solid rock of the 
citadel hill and which is still as good as new, nor 
how the same mules he bought to draw up the water 
(with an endless chain) are still at it yet and are 
getting tired of it, too; I shall not tell about 
Joseph s granaries which he built to store the grain 

The Innocents Abroad 421 

in, what time the Egyptian brokers were ** selling 
short/ unwitting that there would be no corn in all 
the land when it should be time for them to deliver; 
I shall not tell anything about the strange, strange 
city of Cairo, because it is only a repetition, a good 
deal intensified and exaggerated, of the Oriental 
cities I have already spoken of; I shall not tell of 
the Great Caravan which leaves for Mecca every 
year, for I did not see it; nor of the fashion the 
people have of prostrating themselves and so form 
ing a long human pavement to be ridden over by 
the chief of the expedition on its return, to the end 
that their salvation may be thus secured, for I did 
not see that either ; I shall not speak of the railway, 
for it is like any other railway I shall only say 
that the fuel they use for the locomotive is com 
posed of mummies three thousand years old, pur 
chased by the ton or by the graveyard for that pur 
pose, and that sometimes one hears the profane 
engineer call out pettishly, ** D n these plebeians, 
they don t burn worth a cent pass out a King;"* 
I shall not tell of the groups of mud cones stuck 
like wasps nests upon a thousand mounds above 
high-water mark the length and breadth of Egypt 
villages of the lower classes ; I shall not speak of the 
boundless sweep of level plain, green with luxuriant 
grain, that gladdens the eye as far as it can pierce 
through the soft, rich atmosphere of Egypt; I shall 

Stated to me for a fact. I only tell it as I got It. I am wUlinf * 
believe it. I can believe anything. 

422 The innocents Abroad 

not speak of the vision of the Pyramids seen at a 
distance of five and twenty miles, for the picture is 
too ethereal to be limned by an uninspired pen; I 
shall not tell of the crowds of dusky women who 
flocked to the cars when they stopped a moment at 
a station, to sell us a drink of water or a ruddy, 
juicy pomegranate; I shall not tell of the motley 
multitudes and wild costumes that graced a fair we 
found in full blast at another barbarous station; I 
shall not tell how we feasted on fresh dates and en 
joyed the pleasant landscape all through the flying 
journey; nor how we thundered into Alexandria, at 
last, swarmed out of the cars, rowed aboard the 
ship, left a comrade behind (who was to return to 
Europe, thence home), raised the anchor, and 
turned our bows homeward finally and forever from 
the long voyage; nor how, as the mellow sun went 
down upon the oldest land on earth, Jack and Moult 
assembled in solemn state in the smoking-room and 
mourned over the lost comrade the whole night 
long, and would not be comforted. I shall not 
speak a word of any of these things, or write a line. 
They shall be as a sealed book. I do not know 
what a sealed book is, because I never saw one, but 
a sealed book is the expression to use in this con 
nection, because it is popular. 

We were glad to have seen the land which was 
the mother of civilization which taught Greece her 
letters, and through Greece Rome, and through 
Rome the world ; the land which could have human- 

Fhe innocents Abroad 423 

ized and civilized the hapless children of Israel, but 
allowed them to depart out of her borders little 
better than savages. We were glad to have seen 
that land which had an enlightened religion with 
future eternal rewards and punishment in it, while 
even Israel s religion contained no promise of a 
hereafter. We were glad to have seen that land 
which had glass three thousand years before Eng 
land had it, and could paint upon it as none of us 
can paint now; that land which knew, three thou 
sand years ago, well nigh all of medicine and surgery 
which science has discov ered lately; which had all 
those curious surgical instruments which science has 
invented recently ; which had in high excellence a 
thousand luxuries and necessities of an advanced 
civilization which we have gradually contrived and 
accumulated in modern times and claimed as things 
that were new under the sun ; that had paper untold 
centuries before we dreamt of it and waterfalls 
before our women thought of them; that had a 
perfect system of common schools so long before we 
boasted of our achievements in that direction that it 
seems forever and forever ago ; that so embalmed 
the dead that flesh was made almost immortal 
which we cannot do ; that built temples which mock 
at destroying time and smile grimly upon our lauded 
little prodigies of architecture; that old land that 
knew all which we know now, perchance, and more; 
that walked in the broad highway of civilization in 
the gray dawn of creation, ages and ages before we 

424 The Innocents Abroad 

were born; that left the impress of exalted, culti 
vated Mind upon the eternal front of the Sphinx to 
confound all scoffers who, when all her other proofs 
had passed away, might seek to persuade the world 
that imperial Egypt, in the days of her high renown, 
had groped in darkness. 


WE were at sea now, for a very long voyage - we 
were to pass through the entire length of the 
Levant; through the entire length of the Mediter 
ranean proper, also, and then cross the full width of 
the Atlantic a voyage of several weeks. We 
naturally settled down into a very slow, stay-at-home 
manner of life, and resolved to be quiet, exemplary 
people, and roam no more for twenty or thirty days. 
No more, at least, than from stem to stern of the 
ship. It was a very comfortable prospect, though, 
for we were tired and needed a long rest. 

We were all lazy and satisfied, now, as the meager 
entries in my note-book (that sure index, to me, of 
my condition) prove. What a stupid thing a note 
book gets to be at sea, any way. Please observe 
the style : 

.s////^ Services, as usual, at four bells. Services at night, also, 

" Monday Beautiful day, but rained hard. The cattle purchased a! 
Alexandria for beef ought to be shingled. Or else fattened. The watef 
stands in deep puddles in the depressions forward of their after shoulders. 
Also here and there all over their backs. It is well they- are not cows 
it would soak in and ruin the milk. The poor devil eagle* from Syria 

Afterwards presented to the Central Park. 


426 The Innocents Abroad 

looks miserable and droopy in the rain perched on the forward capstan. 
He appears to have his own opinion of a sea voyage, and if it were put 
into language and the language solidified, it would probably essentially 
dam the widest river in the world. 

" Tuesday Somewhere in the neighborhood of the island of Malta. 
Can not stop there. Cholera. Weather very stormy. Many passen 
gers seasick and invisible. 

" Wednesday Weather still very savage. Storm blew two land birds 
to sea, and they came on board. A hawk was blown off, also. He 
circled round and round the ship, wanting to light, but afraid of the 
people. He was so tired, though, that he had to light, at last, or perish. 
He stopped in the foretop, repeatedly, and was as often blown away by 
the wind. At last Harry caught him. Sea full of flying-fish. They 
rise in flocks of three hundred and flash along above the tops of the 
waves a distance of two or three hundred feet, then fall and disap 

" Thursday Anchored off Algiers, Africa. Beautiful city, beau 
tiful green hilly landscape behind it. Stayed half a day and left. Not 
permitted to land, though we showed a clean bill of health. They were 
afraid of Egyptian plague and cholera. 

"Friday Morning, dominoes. Afternoon, dominoes. Evening, 
promenading the deck. Afterwards, charades. 

"Saturday Morning, dominoes. Afternoon, dominoes. Even 
ing, promenading the decks. Afterwards, dominoes. 

"Sunday Morning service, four bells. Evening service, eight 
bells. Monotony till midnight. Whereupon, dominoes. 

" Monday Morning, dominoes. Afternoon, dominoes. Evening, 
promenading the decks. Afterwards, charades and a lecture from Dr. 
C. Dominoes. 

No date Anchored off the picturesque city of Cagliari, Sardinia. 
Stayed till midnight, but not permitted to land by these infamous for 
eigners. They smell inodorously they do not wash they dare not 
risk cholera. 

Thursday Anchored off the beautiful cathedral city of Malaga, 
Spain. Went ashore in the captain s boat not ashore, either, for they 
would not let us land. Quarantine. Shipped my newspaper correspond 
ence, which they took with tongs, dipped it in sea water, clipped it hill 
of holes, and then fumigated it with villainous vapors till it smelt like a 
Spaniard. Inquired about chances to run the blockade and visit the 

The Innocents Abroad 427 

Alhambra at Granada. Too risky they might hang a body. Set 
sail middle of afternoon. 

" And so on, and so on, and so forth, for several days. Finally, 
anchored off Gibraltar, which looks familiar and home-like." 

It reminds me of the journal I opened with the 
New Year, once, when I was a boy and a confiding 
and a willing prey to those impossible schemes of 
reform which well-meaning old maids and grand 
mothers set for the feet of unwary youths at that 
season of the year setting oversized tasks for 
them, which, necessarily failing, as infallibly weaken 
the boy s strength of will, diminish his confidence in 
himself, and injure his chances of success in life 
Please accept of an extract: 

"Monday Got up, washed, went to bed. 
Tuesday Got up, washed, went to bed. 
Wednesday Got up, washed, went to bed. 
Thursday Got up, washed, went to bed* 
Friday Got up, washed, went to bed. 
* AVjr/ Friday Got up, washed, went to bed. 
Friday fortnight Got up, washed, went to bed. 
1 Following month Got up, washed, went to bed." 

I stopped, then, discouraged. Startling eventi 
appeared to be too rare, in my career, to render a 
diary necessary. I still reflect with pride, however, 
that even at that early age I washed when I got up. 
That journal finished me. I never have had the 
nerve to keep one since. My loss of confidence in 
myself in that line was permanent. 

The ship had to stay a week or more at Gibraltar 
to take in coal for the home voyage. 

It would be very tiresome staying here, and so 

428 The Innocents Abroad 

four of us ran the quarantine blockade and spent 
seven delightful days in Seville, Cordova, Cadiz, and 
wandering through the pleasant rural scenery of 
Andalusia, the garden of Old Spain. The experi 
ences of that cheery week were too varied and 
numerous for a short chapter, and I have not room 
for a long one. Therefore I shall leave them all 


TEN or eleven o clock found us coming down to 
breakfast one morning in Cadiz. They told 
us the ship had been lying at anchor in the harbor 
two or three hours. It was time for us to bestir 
ourselves. The ship could wait only a little while 
because of the quarantine. We were soon on board, 
and within the hour the white city and the pleasant 
shores of Spain sank down behind the waves and 
passed out of sight. We had seen no land fade 
from view so regretfully. 

It had long ago been decided in a noisy public 
meeting in the main cabin that we could not go to 
Lisbon, because we must surely be quarantined there. 
We did everything by mass-meeting, in the good old 
national way, from swapping off one empire for 
another on the programme of the voyage down to 
complaining of the cookery and the scarcity of 
napkins. I am reminded, now, of one of these 
complaints of the cookery made by a passenger. 
The coffee had been steadily growing more and more 
execrable for the space of three weeks, till at last it 
had ceased to be coffee altogether and had assumed 


430 The Innocents Abroad 

the nature of mere discolored water so this person 
said. He said it was so weak that it was transparent 
an inch in depth around the edge of the cup. As 
he approached the table one morning he saw the 
transparent edge by means of his extraordinary 
vision long before he got to his seat. He went 
back and complained in a high-handed way to Cap 
tain Duncan. He said the coffee was disgraceful. 
The captain showed his. It seemed tolerably good. 
The incipient mutineer was more outraged than 
ever, then, at what he denounced as the partiality 
shown the captain s table over the other tables in 
the ship. He flourished back and got his cup and 
set it down triumphantly, and said : 

" Just try that mixture once, Captain Duncan." 

He smelt it tasted it smiled benignantly 
then said : 

* Itw inferior for coffee but it is pretty fair 

The humbled mutineer smelt it, tasted it, and re 
turned to his seat. He had made an egregious ass 
of himself before the whole ship. He did it no 
more. After that he took things as they came. 
That was me. 

The old-fashioned ship-life had returned, now that 
we were no longer in sight of land. For days and 
days it continued just the same, one day being exactly 
like another, and, to me, every one of them pleasant. 
At last we anchored in the open roadstead of Fun- 
chal, in the beautiful islands we call the Madeiras. 

The innocents Abroad 431 

The mountains looked surpassingly lovely, clad as 
they were in living green; ribbed with lava ridges; 
flecked with white cottages; riven by deep chasmi 
purple with shade; the great slopes dashed with 
sunshine and mottled with shadows flung from the 
drifting squadrons of the sky, and the superb pic 
ture fitly crowned by towering peaks whose fronts 
were swept by the trailing fringes of the clouds. 

But we could not land. We stayed all day and 
looked, we abused the man who invented quarantine, 
we held half a dozen mass-meetings and crammed 
them full of interrupted speeches, ncotions that fell 
still-born, amendments that came to naught, and 
resolutions that died from sheer exhaustion in trying 
to get before the house. At night we set sail. 

We averaged four mass-meetings a week for thi 
voyage we seemed always in labor in this way 
and yet so often fallaciously that whenever at long 
intervals we were safely delivered of a resolution, it 
was cause for public rejoicing, and we hoisted the 
flag and fired a salute. 

Days passed and nights; and then the beautiful 
Bermudas rose out of the sea, we entered the tortu 
ous channel, steamed hither and thither among the 
bright summer islands, and rested at last under the 
flag of England and were welcome. We were not a 
nightmare here, where were civilization and intelli 
gence in place of Spanish and Italian superstition, 
dirt and dread of cholera. A few days among the 
breezy groves, the flower gardens, the coral caves, 


432 The Innocents Abroad 

and the lovely vistas of blue water that went curving 
in and out, disappearing and anon again appearing 
through jungle walls of brilliant foliage, restored the 
energies dulled by long drowsing on the ocean, and 
fitted us for our final cruise our little run of a 
thousand miles to New York America HOME. 

We bade good-bye to " our friends the Bermu- 
dians, M as our programme hath it the majority of 
those we were most intimate with were negroes 
and courted the great deep again. I said the 
majority. We knew more negroes than white peo 
ple, because we had a deal of washing to be done, 
but we made some most excellent friends among the 
whites, whom it will be a pleasant duty to hold long 
in grateful remembrance. 

We sailed, and from that hour all idling ceased. 
Such another system of overhauling, general litter 
ing of cabins and packing of trunks we had not seen 
since we let go the anchor in the harbor of Beirout. 
Everybody was busy. Lists of all purchases had to 
be made out, and values attached, to facilitate mat 
ters at the custom-house. Purchases bought by 
bulk in partnership had to be equitably divided, out 
standing debts canceled, accounts compared, and 
trunks, boxes, and packages labeled. All day long 
the bustle and confusion continued. 

And now came our first accident. A passenger 
was running through a gangway, between decks, 
one stormy night, when he caught his foot in the 
iron staple of a door that had been heedlessly left 

The Innocents Abroad 433 

off a hatchway, and the bones of his leg broke at 
the ankle. It was our first serious misfortune. We 
had traveled much more than twenty thousand 
miles, by land and sea, in many trying climates, 
without a single hurt, without a serious case of sick 
ness, and without a death among five and sixty pas 
sengers. Our good fortune had been wonderful. 
A sailor had jumped overboard at Constantinople 
one night, and was seen no more, but it was sus 
pected that his object was to desert, and there was 
a slim chance, at least, that he reached the shore. 
But the passenger list was complete. There was no 
name missing from the register. 

At last, one pleasant morning, we steamed up 
the harbor of New York, all on deck, all dressed in 
Christian garb by special order, for there was a 
latent disposition in some quarters to come out as 
Turks and, amid a waving of handkerchiefs from 
welcoming friends, the glad pilgrims noted the 
shiver of the decks that told that ship and pier had 
joined hands again, and the long, strange cruise was 
over. Amen. 


IN this place I will print an article which I wrote 
for the New York Herald the night we arrived. 
I do it partly because my contract with my publish 
ers makes it compulsory; partly because it is a 
proper, tolerably accurate, and exhaustive summing- 
up of the cruise of the ship and the performances of 
the pilgrims in foreign lands; and partly because 
some of the passengers have abused me for writing 
it, and I wish the public to see how thankless a task 
it is to put one s self to trouble to glorify unappre- 
ciative people. I was charged with " rushing into 
print" with these compliments. I did not rush. I 
had written news letters to the Herald sometimes, 
but yet when I visited the office that day I did not 
say anything about writing a valedictory. I did go 
to the Tribune office to see if such an article was 
wanted, because I belonged on the regular staff of 
that paper and it was simply a duty to do it. The 
managing editor was absent, and so I thought no 
more about it. At night when the Herald s request 
came for an article, I did not " rush." In fact, I 
demurred for a while, because I did not feel like 


fhe innocents Abroad 

writing compliments then, and therefore was afraid 
to speak of the cruise lest I might be betrayed into 
using other than complimentary language. How 
ever, I reflected that it would be a just and righteous 
thing to go down and write a kind word for the 
Hadjis Hadjis are people who have made the pil 
grimage because parties not interested could not 
do it so feelingly as I, a fellow-Hadji, and so I 
penned the valedictory. I have read it, and read it 
again; and if there is & sentence in it that is not 
fulsomely complimentary to captain, ship, and pas 
sengers, /cannot find it. If it is not a chapter that 
any company might be proud to have a body write 
about them, my judgment is fit for nothing. With 
these remarks I confidently submit it to the un 
prejudiced judgment of the reader: 



The steamer Quaker City has accomplished at last her extraortrhiary 
voyage and returned to her old pier at the foot of Wall street. The ex 
pedition was a success in some respects, in some it was not, Originally it 
was advertised as a " pleasure excursion." Well, perhaps it was a pleas* 
tare excursion, but certainly it did not look like one; certainly it did not act 
like one. Anybody s and everybody s notion of a pleasure excursion 
b that the partie* to it will of a necessity be young and giddy and 
somewhat boisterous. They will dance a good deal, sing a good deal, 
make love, but sermonize very little. Anybody s and everybody s 
notion of a well-conducted funeral is that there must be a hearse and a 
corpse, and chief mourners and mourners by courtesy, many old people, 
much solemnity, no levity, and a prayer and a sermon withal. Three- 
fourth* of the Quaker City s passengers were between forty and seventy 
yean of age ! There was a picnic crowd for you 1 It may be supposed 

436 The Innocents Abroad 

that the other fourth was composed of young girls. But it was not. It 
was chiefly composed of rusty old bachelors and a child of six years. 
Lei us average the ages of the Quaker City s pilgrims and set the figure 
down as fifty years. Is any man insane enough to imagine that this 
picnic of patriarchs sang, made love, danced, laughed, told anecdotes, 
dealt in ungodly levity? In my experience they sinned little in these 
matters. No doubt it was presumed here at home that these frolicsome 
veterans laughed and sang and romped all day, and day after day, and 
kept up a noisy excitement from one end of the ship to the other; and 
that they played blindman s buff or danced quadrilles and waltzes on 
moonlight evenings on the quarter-deck; and that at odd moments of 
unoccupied time they jotted a laconic item or two in the journals they 
opened on such an elaborate plan when they left home, and then 
skurried off to their whist and euchre labors under the cabin lamps. If 
these things were presumed, the presumption was at fault. The vener 
able excursionists were not gay and frisky. They played no blindman s 
buff; they dealt not in whist; they shirked not the irksome journal, for 
alas ! most of them were even writing books. They never romped, they 
talked but little, they never sang, save in the nightly prayer-meeting. 
The pleasure ship was a synagogue, and the pleasure trip was a funeral 
excursion without a corpse. (There is nothing exhilarating about a 
funeral excursion without a corpse. ) A free, hearty laugh was a sound 
that was not heard oftener than once in seven days about those decks or in 
ihose cabins, and when it was heard it met with precious little sympathy. 
The excursionists danced, on three separate evenings, long, long ago 
(it seems an age) quadrilles, of a single set, made up of three ladies 
and five gentlemen (the latter with handkerchiefs around their arms to 
signify their sex), who timed their feet to the solemn wheezing of a 
melodeon ; but even this melancholy orgie was voted to be sinful, and 
dancing was discontinued. 

The pilgrims played dominoes when too much Josephus or Robin- 
ion s Holy Land Researches, or book-writing, made recreation necessary 
for dominoes is about as mild and sinless a game as any in the world, 
perhaps, excepting always the ineffably insipid diversion they call cro 
quet, which is a game where you don t pocket any balls and don t carom 
on any thing of any consequence, and when you are done nobody has 
to pay, and there are no refreshments to saw off, and, consequently, 
there isn t any satisfaction whatever about it they played dominoes 
till they were rested, and then they blackguarded each other privately 

The Innocents Abroad 437 

till prayer-time. When they were not seasick they were uncommonly 
prompt when the dinner-gong sounded. Such was our daily life on 
board the ship solemnity, decorum, dinner, dominoes, devotions, 
slander. It was not lively enough for a pleasure trip ; but if we had 
only had a corpse it would have made a noble funeral excursion. It is 
all over now ; but when I look back, the idea of these venerable fossils 
skipping forth on a six-months picnic, seems exquisitely refreshing. The 
advertised title of the expedition "The Grand Holy Land Pleasure 
Excursion" was a misnomer. "The Grand Holy Land Funerai Pro 
cession" would have been better much better. 

Wherever we went, in Europe, Asia, or Africa, we made a sensation, 
and, I suppose I may add, created a famine. None of us had ever been 
any where before ; we all hailed from the interior ; travel was a wild 
novelty to us, and we conducted ourselves in accordance with the natural 
instincts that were in us, and trammeled ourselves with no ceremonies, 
no conventionalities. We always took care to make it understood that 
we were Americans Americans I When we found that a good many 
foreigners had hardly ever beard of America, and that a good many 
more knew it only as a barbarous province away off somewhere, that had 
lately been at war with somebody, we pitied the ignorance of the Old 
World, but abated no jot of our importance. Many and many a simple 
community in the Eastern hemisphere will remember for years the incur 
sion of the strange horde in tht year of our Lord 1867, that called 
themselves Americans, and seemed to imagine in some unaccountable 
way that they had a right to be proud of it. We generally created a 
famine, partly because the coffee on the Quaktr City was unendurable, 
and sometimes the more substantial fare was not strictly first-class ; and 
partly because one naturally tires of sitting long at the same board and 
eating from the same dishes. 

The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They 
looked curiously at the costumes we had brought from the wilds of 
America. They oWrved that we talked loudly at table sometimes. 
They noticed that we looked out for expenses, and got what we con 
veniently could out of a franc, and wondered where in the mischief we 
came from. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared 
when we spoke to them in French ! We never did succeed in making 
thoae idiots understand their own language. One of our passengers said 
to a shopkeeper, In reference to a proposed return to buy a pair of 
gloves, "Albttg rfstay tranJkftl m.iy bt vt coo* Alottutay;" and 

438 The Innocents Abroad 

would you believe it, that shopkeeper, a born Frenchman, had to ask 
what it was that had been said. Sometimes it seems to me, somehow, 
that there must be a difference between Parisian French and Quaker 
City French. 

The people stared at us everywhere, and we stared at them. We 
generally made them feel rather small, too, before we got done with 
them, because we bore down on them with America s greatness until we 
crushed them. And yet we took kindly to the manners and customs, 
and especially to the fashions of the various people we visited. When 
we left the Azores, we wore awful capotes and used fine tooth combs 
successfully. When we came back from Tangier, in Africa, we were 
topped with fezzes of the bloodiest hue, hung with tassels like an Indian s 
scalp-lock. In France and Spain we attracted some attention in these 
costumes. In Italy they naturally took us for distempered Garibaldians, 
and set a gunboat to look for anything significant in our changes of 
uniform. We made Rome howl. We could have made any place howl 
when we had all our clothes on. We got no fresh raiment in Greece 
they had but little there of any kind. But at Constantinople, how we 
turned out ! Turbans, scimetars, fezzes, horse-pistols, tunics, sashes, 
baggy trowsers, yellow slippers Oh, we were gorgeous! The illus 
trious dogs of Constantinople barked their under jaws off, and even then 
failed to do us justice. They are all dead by this time. They could 
not go through such a run of business as we gave them and survive. 

And then we went to see the Emperor of Russia. We just called 
on him as comfortably as if we had known him a century or so, and 
when we had finished our visit we variegated ourselves with selections 
from Russian costumes and sailed away again more picturesque than 
ever. In Smyrna we picked up camel s hair shawls and other dressy 
things from Persia; but in Palestine ah, in Palestine our splendid 
career ended. They didn t wear any clothes there to speak of. We 
were satisfied, and stopped. We made no experiments. We did not 
try their costume. But we astonished the natives of that country. We 
antonished them with such eccentricities ot dress as we could muster. 
We prowled through the Holy Land, from Cesarea Philippi to Jerusalem 
and the Dead Sea, a weird profTninn of pilgrims, gotten up regardless 
of expense, solemn, gorgeous, green-spectacled, drowsing under blue 
umbrellas, and astride of a sorrier lot of horses, camels, and asses than 
those that came out of Noah s ark, after eleven months of seasickness 
nd short rations. If ever those children of Israel in Palestine forgel 

The Innocent* Abroad 439 

when Gideon s Band went through there from America, they ought to 
be cursed once more and finished. It was the rarest spectacle that ever 
astounded mortal eyes, perhaps. 

Well, we were at home in Palestine. It was easy to see that thai 
was the grand feature of the expedition. We had cared nothing much 
about Europe. We galloped through the Louvre, the Pitti, theUmzzi, 
the Vatican all the galleries and through the pictured and frescoed 
churches of Venice, Naples, and the cathedrals of Spain ; some of us 
said that certain of the great works of the old masters were glonous 
creations of genius (we found it out in the guide-book, though we got 
hold of the wrong picture sometimes), and the others said they were 
disgraceful old daubs. We examined modern and ancient statuary with 
a critical eye in Florence, Rome, or anywhere we found it, and praised 
it if we saw fit, and if we didn t we said we preferred the wooden In- 
dians in front of the cigar stores of America. But th Holy T^f^ 
brought out all our enthusiasm. We fell into raptures by the barren 
shores of Galilee ; we pondered at Tabor and at Nazareth ; we exploded 
into poetry over the questionable loveliness of Esdraelon ; we meditated 
at Jezreel and Samaria over the missionary real of Jehu ; we rioted 
fairly rioted among the holy places of Jerusalem ; we bathed in Jordan 
and the Dead Sea, reckless whether our accident-insurance policies were 
extra-hazardous or not, and brought away so many jugs of precious 
water from both places that all the country from Jericho to the moun 
tains of Moab will suffer from drouth this year, I think. Vet, the pi* 
grimage part of the excursion was its pet feature there is no questiot 
about that. After dismal, smileless Palestine, beautiful Egypt had few 
charms for us. We merely glanced at it and were ready for home. 

They wouldn t let us land at Malta quarantine; they would not 
let us land in Sardinia; nor at Algiers, Africa; nor at Malaga, Spain, 
nor Cadiz, nor at the Madeira Islands. So we got offended at all for- 
eigners and turned our backs upon them and came home. I suppose 
we only stopped at the Bermudas because they were in the programme. 
We did not care anything about any place at all. We wanted to go 
home. Homesickness was abroad in the ship it was epidemic. If 
the authorities of New Vork had known how badly we had it, they 
would have quarantined us here. 

The grand pilgrimage is over. Good-bye to h, and a pleasant menv 
ory to it, I am able to say in all kindness. I bear no malice, no fll-wif 
toward any individual that was connected with it, either as passeager or 

440 The innocents Abroad 

officer. Things I did not like at all yesterday I like very well to-day, 
now that I am at home, and always hereafter I shall be able to poke fun 
at the whole gang if the spirit so moves me to do, without ever saying a 
malicious word. The expedition accomplished all that its programme 
promised that it should accomplish, and we ought all to be satisfied 
with the management of the matter, certainly. Bye-bye! 


I call that complimentary. It is complimentary; 
and yet I never have received a word of thanks for 
it from the Hadjis; on the contrary, I speak nothing 
but the serious truth when I say that many of them 
even took exceptions to the article. In endeavoring 
to please them I slaved over that sketch for two 
hours, and had my labor for my pains. I never 
will do a generous deed again. 


NEARLY one year has flown since this notable 
pilgrimage was ended; and as I sit here at 
home in San Francisco thinking, I am moved to 
confess that day by day the mass of my memories 
of the excursion have grown more and more pleasant 
as the disagreeable incidents of travel which encum 
bered them flitted one by one out of my mind 
and now, if the Quaker City were weighing her 
anchor to sail away on the very same cruise again, 
nothing could gratify me more than to be a passen-i 
ger. With the same captain and even the same pil 
grims, the same sinners. I was on excellent terms 
with eight or nine of the excursionists (they are my 
staunch friends yet), and was even on speaking terms 
with the rest of the sixty-five. 1 have been at sea 
quite enough to know that that was a very good 
average. Because a long sea-voyage not only brings 
out all the mean traits one has, and exaggerates 
them, but raises up others which he never suspected 
he possessed, and even creates new ones. A twelve 
months voyage at sea would make an ordinary man 
a very miracle of meanness. On the other hand, if 


442 The Innocents Abroad 

a man has good qualities, the spirit seldom moves 
him to exhibit them on shipboard, at least with any 
sort of emphasis. Now I am satisfied that our 
pilgrims are pleasant old people on shore; I am 
also satisfied that at sea on a second voyage they 
would be pleasanter, somewhat, than they were on 
our grand excursion, and so I say without hesitation 
that I would be glad enough to sail with them 
again. I could at least enjoy life with my handful 
of old friends. They could enjoy life with their 
cliques as well passengers invariably divide up into 
cliques, on all ships. 

And I will say, here, that I would rather travel 
with an excursion party of Methuselahs than have to 
be changing ships and comrades constantly, as peo 
ple do who travel in the ordinary way. Those 
latter are always grieving over some other ship they 
have known and lost, and over other comrades whom 
diverging routes have separated from them. They 
learn to love a ship just in time to change it for 
another, and they become attached to a pleasant 
traveling companion only to lose him. They have 
that most dismal experience of being in a strange 
vessel, among strange people who care nothing 
about them, and of undergoing the customary bully 
ing by strange officers and the insolence of strange 
servants, repeated over and over again within the 
compass of every month. They have also that 
other misery of packing and unpacking trunks of 
running the distressing gauntlet of custom-houses 

I he Innocents Abroad 443 

of the anxieties attendant upon getting a mass of 
baggage from point to point on land in safety. I 
had rather sail with a whole brigade of patriarchs 
than suffer so. We never packed our trunks but 
twice when we sailed from New York, and when 
we returned to it. Whenever we made a land jour 
ney, we estimated how many days we should be 
gone and what amount of clothing we should need, 
figured it down to a mathematical nicety, packed a 
valise or two accordingly, and left the trunks on 
board. We chose our comrades from among our 
old, tried friends, and started. We were never 
dependent upon strangers for companionship. We 
often had occasion to pity Americans whom we 
found traveling drearily among strangers with no 
friends to exchange pains and pleasures with. 
Whenever we were coming back from a land jour 
ney, our eyes sought one thing in the distance first 
the ship and when we saw it riding at anchor 
with the flag apeak, we felt as a returning wanderer 
feels when he sees his home. When we stepped on 
board, our cares vanished, our troubles were at an 
end for the ship was home to us. We always had 
the same familiar old stateroom to go to, and feel 
safe and at peace and comfortable again. 

I have no fault to find with the manner in which 
our excursion was conducted. Its programme was 
faithfully carried out a thing which surprised me, 
for great enterprises usually promise vastly more 
than they perform. It would be well if such an 

444 The Innocents Abroad 

excursion could be gotten up every year and the 
system regularly inaugurated. Travel is fatal to 
prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and 
many of our people need it sorely on these ac 
counts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men 
and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in ont 
little corner of the earth all one s lifetime. 

The excursion is ended, and has passed to its 
place among the things that were. But its varied 
scenes and its manifold incidents will linger pleas 
antly in our memories for many a year to come. 
Always on the wing, as we were, and merely paus 
ing a moment to catch fitful glimpses of the wonders 
of half a world, we could not hope to receive or 
retain vivid impressions of all it was our fortune to 
see. Yet our holiday flight has not been in vain* 
for above the confusion of vague recollections, cer 
tain of its best prized pictures lift themselves and 
will still continue perfect in tint and outline after 
their surroundings shall have faded away. 

We shall remember something of pleasant France ; 
and something also of Paris, though it flashed upon 
us a splendid meteor, and was gone again, we 
hardly knew how or where. We shall remember, 
always, how we saw majestic Gibraltar glorified with 
the rich coloring of a Spanish sunset and swimming 
in a sea of rainbows. In fancy we shall see Milan 
again, and her stately cathedral with its marble 
wilderness of graceful spires. And Padua Verona 
Como, jeweled with stars; and patrician Venice, 

The Innocents Abroad 445 

afloat on her stagnant flood silent, desolate, 
haughty scornful of her humbled state wrap 
ping herself in memories of her lost fleets, of battle 
and triumph, and all the pageantry of a glory that 
is departed. 

We cannot forget Florence Naples nor the 
foretaste of heaven that is in the delicious atmosphere 
of Greece and surely not Athens and the broken 
temples of the Acropolis. Surely not venerable 
Rome nor the green plain that compasses her 
round about, contrasting its brightness with her gray 
decay nor the ruined arches that stand apart in 
the plain and clothe their looped and windowed rag- 
gedness with vines. We shall remember St. Peter s; 
not as one sees it when he walks the streets of 
Rome and fancies all her domes are just alike, but 
as he sees it leagues away, when every meaner 
edifice has faded out of sight and that one dome 
looms superbly up in the flush of sunset, full of 
dignity and grace, strongly outlined as a moun 

We shall remember Constantinople and the Bos 
porus the colossal magnificence of Baalbec the 
Pyramids of Egypt the prodigious form, the benig 
nant countenance of the Sphynx Oriental Smyrna 
sacred Jerusalem Damascus, the " Pearl of the 
East," the pride of Syria, the fabled Garden of 
Eden, the home of princes and genii of the Arabian 
Nights, the oldest metropolis on earth, the one city 
in all the world that has kept its name and held its 

446 The Innocents Abroad 

place and looked serenely on while the Kingdoms 
and Empires of four thousand years have risen to 
life, enjoyed their little season of pride and pomp, 
and then vanished and been forgotten ! 


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